Can you "get over" being cheated on? #191 - I'm done.

[Tigger&Belle]

Personally I don't think that I could get over it. I'd remember the betrayal and would not be able to trust him. Whether or not I stayed with him would depend on several factors, mainly if I still had any minor children. I would think long and hard about disrupting their lives and would *consider* staying in the marriage until they were grown. Doesn't mean I would actually be able to and it would forever change things between my DH and myself.

 

[Sparx]

I'm so sorry that this is going on with you. now as for your question, I don't know. I really don't. It depends on if you think you can trust him again, and if you even want to try. You don't wake up one morning and stop loving someone, even if they do something like this. In the end, it doesn't matter what any of us say, it comes down to, do you want to try to make it work? "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't always true. again, I'm very sorry.

Its gonna be ok in the end, if its not ok, then its not the end.

 

[Tiffann4k]

am I there yet, I wish you wouldnt of quoted me like that..lol it makes it look like I was saying once a cheater always a cheater and thats not what I meant I was actually using that as a quote from several posts hence why it was big and green...I didnt want to just single one person out so I didnt quote an actual individual just the phrase

 

[LaLa]

First off,

Both my best friend from school and SIL have had to deal with this. In BF's case, he cheated while they were DATING, she left, forgave him, came back, and years later it all repeated itself TWICE. Once with a prostitute.

I am not kidding.

SIL and her DH have been married 15 yrs. DH and I have been married 10. As long as I have known her, she has been going through the "cheating cycle". He cheats, she leaves, she forgives, she goes back, and it just repeats itself every few years. Meanwhile she shares very intimate details with all of the family and now that she is back with him, can't understand why no one wants to be around him.

I think every situation is different, just as every relationship is different, and I don't know what I would do faced with it, besides wanting to leave him with one less body part than he came into this world with.
I do know that from what I see, neither BF or SIL will ever trust their DHs again. Any time their DHs are not instantly accessible, they freak out. That being said, they will both tell you that they made the right choice in sticking it out and staying. They both have children with their husbands and maybe they feel it is worth it to stay for the kids.

There are no easy answers here. You must analyze your relationship and decide if it is worth salvaging to YOU.

Hang in there and I am sending you lots of "Girl Power", as DD would say.

 

[Steffi]

I used to think not, but that wasn't the case for me.

It can take time, though -- a lot of time. And the spouse has to be willing to be accountable for his/her actions for a long time after that and be willing to put up with a lot of distrust.


to you.

Ditto, exactly!

to you, OP. It's so hard to sort through all the feelings.

 

[WIcruizer]

Some men are serial cheaters and will never be faithful or trustworthy and some men are missing their mate in their marriage and someone comes along who makes them feel like a "man" again, so they get attached.

Since these men are cheating with a woman, 50% of the cheating is done by WOMEN. I don't want to read too much into your comment, but the general tone of the thread is MEN who cheat, and I just had to say something.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Since these men are cheating with a woman, 50% of the cheating is done by WOMEN. I don't want to read too much into your comment, but the general tone of the thread is MEN who cheat, and I just had to say something.

I just got through saying to someone else, that it isn't my husband who I don't trust, it's the women out there. I know of several who've busted up marriages, with children involved, mine not included.

It takes two, and the women, or men who are on the receiving end, are just as guilty, IMO.

I think everyone realizes that, but since most of us are posting based off of our own experiences, it comes off sounding like we're never to blame.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

am I there yet, I wish you wouldnt of quoted me like that..lol it makes it look like I was saying once a cheater always a cheater and thats not what I meant I was actually using that as a quote from several posts hence why it was big and green...I didnt want to just single one person out so I didnt quote an actual individual just the phrase

Ooooppps! I'm sorry! It never crossed my mind that it would be taken that way, but it should have; I should have taken your name out of it. Ironically, I saw it in other posts too, but used yours because it was big and green!

Here's a peace offering

 

[mickeyfan2]

I just got through saying to someone else, that it isn't my husband who I don't trust, it's the women out there.

What?!? So if you husband has an affair it is the women who did it with him's fault? If your husband is walking and sees a naked women on a bed and she says he can have her and he jumps on, he did something wrong? She only tempted him, he carried out the act. He is the one to be worried about. I am not worried about the women out there, since I know DH would not take her up on any offer she gave him. It is DH's decision and his decision alone to be faithful.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since these men are cheating with a woman, 50% of the cheating is done by WOMEN. I don't want to read too much into your comment, but the general tone of the thread is MEN who cheat, and I just had to say something.

Do you men the man who is cheating is doing 50% of the cheating?
Or that you think cheating is half & half when it comes to marriages?

Not following....

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

What?!? So if you husband has an affair it is the women who did it with him's fault? If your husband is walking and sees a naked women on a bed and she says he can have her and he jumps on, he did something wrong? She only tempted him, he carried out the act. He is the one to be worried about. I am not worried about the women out there, since I know DH would not take her up on any offer she gave him. It is DH's decision and his decision alone to be faithful.

I never once said that I wouldn't blame my husband for having an affair. I just posted that I had been cheated on by my ex, and the issues it left me with. I dislike both of them equally, trust me. Both of them had the morals of a snake. Both of them made a conscious decision to cheat and hurt my family.

My feelings are based off of what I've been left to deal with. I have a new husband now. I have no reason to distrust him; he has never hurt me. I have a reason to distrust women, because I've been hurt by them. I've lived first-hand how little regard some of them have for other women's husbands and their families. The other woman in my ex's case, wasn't married.

(And I think it goes without saying that I don't distrust every single woman I come across. I use the word "them" in generalization.)

It may be failed logic, but when you've been through what I've been through, you can't control your mindset. Everyone deals with it differently. You must have missed where I said I was starting counseling next week.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Do you men the man who is cheating is doing 50% of the cheating?
Or that you think cheating is half & half when it comes to marriages?

Not following....

I think he's saying, "It takes two to tango".

 

[Puffy2]

I think the main thing is that you take control back.

If you want to stay, stay.

If you want to leave, leave.

But you need to decide in your mind what you are willing to put up with and what you aren't. Your reponse might be, "I'm choosing to stay for now, we'll see how it goes."

You could try counseling, talking it out, time, whatever , but I think if you feel like you have control over your future - you will feel better about whatever you decide to do. From this point on, you are not a "victim", you are in control.

Oh and, good advice: quit believing what they say, and start listening to their actions. There are a lot of people out there who are full of it, but their actions speak loud and clear.

 

[kelleigh1]

I know this woman. She is single, never married. She has repeatedly had affairs with married men. She attempts to justify it by saying that he's the one cheating since he's the one who's married. And her feeling is that she's not the doing anything wrong because if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat whether it's with her or someone else. She just doesn't seem to understand that she is just as much to blame as he is since she's a willing participant.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I know this woman. She is single, never married. She has repeatedly had affairs with married men. She attempts to justify it by saying that he's the one cheating since he's the one who's married. And her feeling is that she's not the doing anything wrong because if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat whether it's with her or someone else. She just doesn't seem to understand that she is just as much to blame as he is since she's a willing participant.

I just don't get it. Doesn't she realize that one day, she may end up with this person in a marriage? And I think I have trust issues! Can you imagine both of theirs????

That would be a fun marriage!

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Oh and, good advice: quit believing what they say, and start listening to their actions. There are a lot of people out there who are full of it, but their actions speak loud and clear.

This is actually how I caught my ex. I didn't catch him with her, or see any strong evidence. I just knew.

He was bringing her up at odd times and in stupid ways. It was apparent that this woman was on his mind. I am a firm believer in woman's intuition. I'm sure men have it too and call it something else.

(Would you believe that in the middle of me asking him for a divorce, his cell phone rang and he answered it? Yep, it was her. And he left to go meet her on a "job".)

I never got into what else happened in this marriage, but he also had what he calls an emotional affair. I knew that one was happening too. I could just tell something wasn't right. It's the strangest feeling to have.

I got ahold of his cell phone records and couldn't believe my eyes. It was another business associate. I'm talking hundreds of calls over a month's time - some over an hour long. He swears nothing happened, but in hindsight, I realize that it was just another time he was cheating on me.

 

[kelleigh1]

I just don't get it. Doesn't she realize that one day, she may end up with this person in a marriage? And I think I have trust issues! Can you imagine both of theirs????

That would be a fun marriage!

She doesn't really want to end up with them. She's got another guy that she's supposedly actually dating that she keeps saying she'd like to settle down with someday...but they have other issues. Although he sounds like the sane one in the relationship. Oh, and she has a 9 year old son with his best friend. A man who's been married for about 15 years. She's just totally messed up.

(And this is a different one from the first one I told you about. I know some 'interesting' people.)

 

[cardaway]

I'm not a believer in trying to make things work affter the reach a certian point.

One of those points is when one cheats on the other. It's possible to make it work again, but IMO there isn't anything that would make it worth it. There simply isn't any going back.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

She doesn't really want to end up with them. She's got another guy that she's supposedly actually dating that she keeps saying she'd like to settle down with someday...but they have other issues. Although he sounds like the sane one in the relationship. Oh, and she has a 9 year old son with his best friend. A man who's been married for about 15 years. She's just totally messed up.

(And this is a different one from the first one I told you about. I know some 'interesting' people.)

Yes, you do! You keep 'em in Mass., okay?

Wow.

 

[WIcruizer]

I am a firm believer in woman's intuition. I'm sure men have it too and call it something else.

We don't, I wish we did. But we can fix stuff, so we have that going for us.

know this woman. She is single, never married. She has repeatedly had affairs with married men. She just doesn't seem to understand that she is just as much to blame as he is since she's a willing participant.

I disagree. I think the married person is much more to blame, he's the one cheating. This woman isn't cheating on anyone. That doesn't make her woman of the year, but it's somehow not on the same level as the cheater.