Can someone help calm me down?

[Rajah]

I'm about ready to kill my DH right now over some stuff I don't want to get into here, he's really hurt me yet again on this same topic that's been an issue almost since we got married, and I'm ready to break something. And the worst part is he doesn't *care* that he's hurting me when he does this.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

Can you remove yourself from the situation?

 

[aunt lissa]

I can understand your position w/ him hurting you and not caring. I'm not sure what he has done to hurt you but I've been thru the whole thing of being hurt by their actions and them repeatedly doing it and not caring!! Sending you lots of hugs!! PM me if ya need to!!

 

[Pebblszzz]

Here's what I do in situations like that, whether it's family or work:

Promise yourself you won't do ANYTHING while in the heat of the moment. Take a walk (driving is not recommended), get out for a while. Clear your head.

Do NOTHING about it until you can do it rationally. Usually 48-72 hours works for me.

And think about all the other times, and how you guys survived them - you will likely survive this one, too!!

If he won't listen, or just doesn't seem to "get it", write him a letter. Email him. Just don't send it until you can be rational. Write all ya want now, just proof it when you're feeling like yourself again. Then send it. Or hand it to him. Or leave it on the sink. His pillow. Whatever.

When all else fails, cry! LOL

(some men are just suckers for that!)

 

[Dan Murphy]

Sorry to hear that, Tammi. I must say that Pebbs has some good ideas there, as does BTP. And send a PM off to Lissa, get in a chat with her. Talk to somebody. Hugs, Tammi.

 

[Rajah]

BTP -- not really. Right now I'm taking some medication that leaves me dizzy and weak, so can't even go for a walk.

Originally posted by Pebblszzz
And think about all the other times, and how you guys survived them - you will likely survive this one, too!!

Yeah, but what saddens me is DH just got back from another of his conferences, and for the first time I didn't care that he was coming home. In the past, a week away from him has been enough to "reset" things so to speak until either the next vacation or the next conference, but this time I wanted him to stay away another week. I've really gotten to the point that if it didn't make me feel like a failure, and if I could keep everything but DH, his computer stuff, and his car, and I could afford to comfortably live without him, I'm beginning to think I'd rather live that way. And I hate that. We've gotten to where I honestly can't think of the last time we did something together we both enjoyed. And that seriously depresses me and just makes things worse.

If he won't listen, or just doesn't seem to "get it", write him a letter. Email him. Just don't send it until you can be rational. Write all ya want now, just proof it when you're feeling like yourself again. Then send it. Or hand it to him. Or leave it on the sink. His pillow. Whatever.

Been there. Done that. A dozen times at least. And every time he'll apologize, play the meek "you're right dear, I'll stop, this won't happen again" (which is a load of ****), and then two weeks or less later, he's doing it again.

When all else fails, cry! LOL

Been there, doing that. All I get is the silent treatment from him (not really the "I'm angry" silent, but the "I'm incapable of saying anything" silent)

I really, really feel that if we could talk about this and get to a common ground, we could get past this. But NOTHING works to get him to talk. He was raised by a bunch of androids -- that is, a family who doesn't show emotions. The least emotive family I've ever met and the way you solve emotional problems in their house is to either scream incomprehensively (his mom) or lock it all inside and turn android. How do you talk out problems with someone who won't talk???

 

[Planogirl]

Sometimes they just don't seem to get it. And sometimes they can't stop what they're doing for some reason. I'm sorry that this goes on and on, and that you feel so frustrated. ((((Hugs))))

 

[wdw4us]

wish there was something I could say or do to help you. I can't. I think your answering a lot of your own questions, basically it all comes down to finances as it does a lot of time.

Take care and know that we're thinking of you.

denise

 

[snoopy]

The least emotive family I've ever met and the way you solve emotional problems in their house is to either scream incomprehensively (his mom) or lock it all inside and turn android. How do you talk out problems with someone who won't talk???

Sounds familiar. My husband comes from an emotionally stoic family as well, as opposed to my gregarious and emotionally demonstrative family. When we first married, we had arguments all the time - or I should say I had arguments, he recoiled.

Now, after 17 years of marriage, we've reached a bit of a compromise. I've learned to pick my battles - I'm a lot less high strung over little things than I once was; and he in turn is more receptive to discussion when something happens in our marriage that I feel we need to talk about. He still never initiates discussion - if he were mad about me for something, I'd find out about it through his actions rather than his words, but on the flip side of that he never lets me bait him into an argument. I think if I were married to a more emotional man it could be dangerous, because I do have a tendency to bait.

Since I don't know the specifics, I really can't offer advice, but I can offer you a {{{hug}}} Rajah! I hope you and your DH are able to reach a compromise that is agreeable to you both. Marriage is hard, especially the first few years when you are getting in sync with one another.

 

[Pebblszzz]

One word: Counseling.

 

[Cindy B]

Thats a rought stituaton. Emotioanally stoic people are rough to get around, and relate to if you are not raised that way.

ILt rough especially if he is gone a lot for business. MY DH used to travel extensively, and it did get easier without him around.. there were no kids, so it was just me. I'd have a routine, and the routine changed when he came home.. if that makes any sense.

Once I became pregnant, his traveling stopped and its been almost 9 years.

As snoopy has said, marriage is hard. Compromise is one of the biggest things here. Sometimes its easier to hash out details instead of letting them burst.

 

[DoeWDW]

Rajah, I have to agree with the counseling idea. It doesn't matter if he goes with you or not, you need to talk to a professional who can help you sort through your emotions and actions. If this truly is an issue that is causing you to no longer care about whether he's around or not, and you've tried so many different ways to resolve it with him, then you need an objective third party to help you.

Here's a big for you, Tammi. Please make an appointment to talk to someone about this. It's hard to take that first step and pick up the phone, but I really think it will help you.

 

[legs22]

Like Pebblszzz said: counseling!

And if he won't go with you, you still go, for yourself. Get thy self to one now!


I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time.

 

[Serena]

Tammi, I will repeat, counseling. Even as good a resource as this place is, and it's really good. I found that talking to someone face to face, someone objective, really seems to help. I finally got brave and started seeing one. It hasn't changed the situations any, but it seems to help me deal with it all.
The condensed version of it is to make yourself happy. I'm in the beginnings of finding out what that is.

In dealing with your dh, it may help to think that he may not be intending to hurt you, even though it does. He may be like my h and dd thinking that they will do whatever they please, not thinking of anything but whatever it is that they want to do. Hurting you does not cross their minds.
And however I've reacted, nothing changes it. I've done lots of stuff to get a reaction out of my h throughout the years, all it ended up doing is making me more miserable. Yep, he'd apologize and it wouldn't happen again for a while, but then it would.

Tammi, you have to figure out what you want to do. But don't do that when you're in the middle of it. Right now, probably everything he does ticks you off and it's not a good time to make any decisions.
{{{{hugs}}}}

 

[Lanshark]

I strongly agree with those who suggested counseling. Have you ever approached him about going to some type of joint counseling? If he won't go then you should go by yourself. You may not be able to change his actions but you may be able to better understand your reactions.

 

[KathyFP]

I hope you are feeling a little better this am.

Counseling is the key as mentioned by several posters. The counselor can help you deal with your feeling and your response to the situation (the only things you have control of).

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[helenabear]

At this point Tammi, all I can say is that I am sorry that you are going through this I do hope soemthing can be worked out. Just hang in there... and some people gave some great advice here, so I hope something helps.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Rajah, I know what you mean...ugh. I really recommend counseling as well. It sounds as though you are not doing so well physically & emotionally. Perhaps talking through some things with an outside party may help you see how you need to proceed.
Make final decisions when you are stronger that way you are clear headed about it.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

Rajah,

Please try counseling. I hear that you are physically unwell, too. Sometimes emotional upsets can manifest themselves physically. It sounds like you are holding a lot in, carrying a heavy load. If HE won't go to counseling, please take good care of yourself and go alone.

 

[Rajah]

I am feeling a little better this morning. Thanks everyone. I have mentioned counseling to him before, and really we're both reluctant. It's stupid, I know, but I have no problem coming online looking for support or advice, but I have a REALLY hard time talking to anyone in person, and DH is the same. :/