Can someone explain this to me (divorce related)

[Katie's Butterflies]

The whole situation is nuts and confusing. Honestly though, the only one I feel sorry for is the child.

More background:

Child is staying with maternal grandparents. Do grandparents want this? IDK They were never asked. However, I do know their attitude towards my friend has gone steadily down hill since they started taking care of him.

Parents are “siding” with S2BX. He actually stays at their house a few days a month while my friend is often “not welcome.” (I’ve actually had to go to their house with her just to make sure nothing happened while she visited her son.)

S2BX has been working 2+jobs and living with a house full of friends. He doesn’t have time/room to take care of the child.
Also,
S2BXH is not a citizen of the US (green card) and has family, friends, and money in his home country. His parents have said they would abduct the child. He is considered, right now, to be a flight risk because the ONLY thing holding him here is the child.

Friend doesn’t want custody right now for a bunch of reasons (a-whole-nother post and vent lol)

Friend and Ex do not want the other to have custody. Ex does not want friend to get custody because he believes she is an “incompetent mother”. Friend’s reasons are listed above.


Why doesn't she have a lawyer?

Friend does not have lawyer because she thought divorce would be “simple,” she didn’t think she could afford one (Even though I told her otherwise), and because her father convinced her it would not be necessary. (actually he said something along the lines of “you are causing this family so much pain, yet you want to cause even more by bringing the law into it?) or something along those lines. Though, he was all for her ex to get one.

As I said in an earlier post though, the self help law center is not actually self help. So she wasn’t completely alone in her endeavor. Though, I agree with all of you, she needs to get one now.

Thank you disneymarie & kellyg403 for sharing your experiences.

 

[sunnyday123]

I think your friend is an idiot, and would have a hard time stayng her friend.

I cannot fathom a reason to not WANT CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILD. Medical, living on the streets...maybe. It would have to be something darn good.

I also cannot understand why her parents are not supporting her, although it probably has something to do with her not wanting her child? I know my parents sure wouldn't have supported me in that.

Divorce unfortunately, is common nowadays. Either because people give up, married for the wrong reasons, or just won't put up with the abuse and crap they felt the need to put up with 30-50 or so years ago when divorce was prevalent.

But she thought it was "easy"? Yea, she's definitely an idiot.

 

[bumbershoot]

S2BXH is not a citizen of the US (green card) and has family, friends, and money in his home country. His parents have said they would abduct the child. He is considered, right now, to be a flight risk because the ONLY thing holding him here is the child.

Oh that's just terrifying.

Hope she's hired a lawyer. Her FIL sounds frightening and threatening. I'm sure she's seen the Sally Field movie from '91 about international kidnapping of one's own children? FIL is reminding me of Alfred Molina's character's family...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The whole situation is nuts and confusing. Honestly though, the only one I feel sorry for is the child.

More background:

Child is staying with maternal grandparents. Do grandparents want this? IDK They were never asked. However, I do know their attitude towards my friend has gone steadily down hill since they started taking care of him.

Parents are “siding” with S2BX. He actually stays at their house a few days a month while my friend is often “not welcome.” (I’ve actually had to go to their house with her just to make sure nothing happened while she visited her son.)

S2BX has been working 2+jobs and living with a house full of friends. He doesn’t have time/room to take care of the child.
Also,
S2BXH is not a citizen of the US (green card) and has family, friends, and money in his home country. His parents have said they would abduct the child. He is considered, right now, to be a flight risk because the ONLY thing holding him here is the child.

Friend doesn’t want custody right now for a bunch of reasons (a-whole-nother post and vent lol)

Friend and Ex do not want the other to have custody. Ex does not want friend to get custody because he believes she is an “incompetent mother”. Friend’s reasons are listed above.


Why doesn't she have a lawyer?

Friend does not have lawyer because she thought divorce would be “simple,” she didn’t think she could afford one (Even though I told her otherwise), and because her father convinced her it would not be necessary. (actually he said something along the lines of “you are causing this family so much pain, yet you want to cause even more by bringing the law into it?) or something along those lines. Though, he was all for her ex to get one.

As I said in an earlier post though, the self help law center is not actually self help. So she wasn’t completely alone in her endeavor. Though, I agree with all of you, she needs to get one now.

Thank you disneymarie & kellyg403 for sharing your experiences.

Wow. I could not be friends with someone who abandoned their child to their parents.

But I suppose from this post the kid is better off with her parents since she does not want her own child.

 

[golfgal]

Actually, they agree on who gets custody and it's neither one of them.

The whole situation is nuts and confusing. Honestly though, the only one I feel sorry for is the child.

More background:

Child is staying with maternal grandparents. Do grandparents want this? IDK They were never asked. However, I do know their attitude towards my friend has gone steadily down hill since they started taking care of him.

Parents are “siding” with S2BX. He actually stays at their house a few days a month while my friend is often “not welcome.” (I’ve actually had to go to their house with her just to make sure nothing happened while she visited her son.)

S2BX has been working 2+jobs and living with a house full of friends. He doesn’t have time/room to take care of the child.
Also,
S2BXH is not a citizen of the US (green card) and has family, friends, and money in his home country. His parents have said they would abduct the child. He is considered, right now, to be a flight risk because the ONLY thing holding him here is the child.

Friend doesn’t want custody right now for a bunch of reasons (a-whole-nother post and vent lol)

Friend and Ex do not want the other to have custody. Ex does not want friend to get custody because he believes she is an “incompetent mother”. Friend’s reasons are listed above.


Why doesn't she have a lawyer?

Friend does not have lawyer because she thought divorce would be “simple,” she didn’t think she could afford one (Even though I told her otherwise), and because her father convinced her it would not be necessary. (actually he said something along the lines of “you are causing this family so much pain, yet you want to cause even more by bringing the law into it?) or something along those lines. Though, he was all for her ex to get one.

As I said in an earlier post though, the self help law center is not actually self help. So she wasn’t completely alone in her endeavor. Though, I agree with all of you, she needs to get one now.

Thank you disneymarie & kellyg403 for sharing your experiences.

Poor kid-I hope he has at least ONE unselfish adult in his life.

 

[Allison]

Oh that's just terrifying.

Hope she's hired a lawyer. Her FIL sounds frightening and threatening. I'm sure she's seen the Sally Field movie from '91 about international kidnapping of one's own children? FIL is reminding me of Alfred Molina's character's family...

The husband's parents were mentioned, not just a father-in-law.

Mom doesn't want custody anyway. I don't have a lot of sympathy. Her own parents favor the husband over their own daughter. I'm making an assumption, but I assume there is a reason for that.

 

[RitaZ.]

The husband's parents were mentioned, not just a father-in-law.

Mom doesn't want custody anyway. I don't have a lot of sympathy. Her own parents favor the husband over their own daughter. I'm making an assumption, but I assume there is a reason for that.

I agree with you. Sounds like one messed up situation. Poor child.

Being over her husband having hired an attorney should be the least of your friend's worries.

 

[Katie's Butterflies]

My friend didn’t abandon her son exactly, but I agree, I do not approve of her actions, though I understand some of her reasoning. The biggest problem is that she believes what her parents and ex say: that she is an incompetent mom. They’ve also gotten her thinking she’s evil. She’s not; she's just slightly immature. She’s actually a good mom when she’s alone with her child, so I think her not wanting him is stemmed from fear of failing. She’s the type of person who would drop out of college out of fear that she’d fail her classes.

I wish she’d take custody of him because it would be win-win for everyone. Plus, I’m almost positive the grandparents would rather be grandparents than parents! They have better things to do than watch a small child all day! Plus, they want to retire and move relatively soon…

I don’t know what will happen to that child, but I do know he’s the only one who shouldn’t have to suffer, but is suffering the most.

Oh that's just terrifying.

Hope she's hired a lawyer. Her FIL sounds frightening and threatening. I'm sure she's seen the Sally Field movie from '91 about international kidnapping of one's own children? FIL is reminding me of Alfred Molina's character's family...

Actually, the MIL is the scary one.
I doubt she’s seen this movie, but I agree, Not Without My Daughter would be a good movie for her to watch. I'll see if I can find it.

 

[Katie's Butterflies]

The husband's parents were mentioned, not just a father-in-law.

Mom doesn't want custody anyway. I don't have a lot of sympathy. Her own parents favor the husband over their own daughter. I'm making an assumption, but I assume there is a reason for that.

Oops I missed your post...

My friend's family has been messed up since she was little. Her culture values boys not girls, so she has been told her entire life that her parents wished she had been a boy, that she's a disappointment etc. They believe a woman should be an obedient wife and daughter. The husband is the same way. My friend has been Americanized (which is not a bad thing in this case) so she believes she should be treated with some respect. At the same time, she feels guilty for not living up to her parents expectations...
So, the parents think that the husband has done nothing wrong while my friend has. Therefore, they are sympathetic to him, but not to her...

Does that make sense? It doesn't to me

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oops I missed your post...

My friend's family has been messed up since she was little. Her culture values boys not girls, so she has been told her entire life that her parents wished she had been a boy, that she's a disappointment etc. They believe a woman should be an obedient wife and daughter. The husband is the same way. My friend has been Americanized (which is not a bad thing in this case) so she believes she should be treated with some respect. At the same time, she feels guilty for not living up to her parents expectations...
So, the parents think that the husband has done nothing wrong while my friend has. Therefore, they are sympathetic to him, but not to her...

Does that make sense? It doesn't to me

That would be a reason to keep your child away from them, not hand them over to be raised by them.

 

[sunnyday123]

Oops I missed your post...

My friend's family has been messed up since she was little. Her culture values boys not girls, so she has been told her entire life that her parents wished she had been a boy, that she's a disappointment etc. They believe a woman should be an obedient wife and daughter. The husband is the same way. My friend has been Americanized (which is not a bad thing in this case) so she believes she should be treated with some respect. At the same time, she feels guilty for not living up to her parents expectations...
So, the parents think that the husband has done nothing wrong while my friend has. Therefore, they are sympathetic to him, but not to her...

Does that make sense? It doesn't to me

You need to be the one then to light the fire under her, so to speak. Maybe being completely up front with her, and letting her know there is a very good chance her x will take him out of the country, and she'll never see him again will wake her up. She needs to stand up to her parents, get a back bone, and fight for her child and herself.

 

[Katie's Butterflies]

That would be a reason to keep your child away from them, not hand them over to be raised by them.

That is a very good point. One point where I really do not understand her reasoning. I think it’s basically she doesn’t think she can take care of him, she really doesn’t want her ex to take him and so all that’s left are her parents. Plus, I think she keeps wishing and hoping that they will show her they love and respect her.

You need to be the one then to light the fire under her, so to speak. Maybe being completely up front with her, and letting her know there is a very good chance her x will take him out of the country, and she'll never see him again will wake her up. She needs to stand up to her parents, get a back bone, and fight for her child and herself.

Believe me I have been trying and I will continue to, but my efforts aren’t working at all. Anytime I build her up ready to do something productive, her parents or X knock her down.

If anyone knows of any resources/techniques I can use or any ideas to help "wake her up" to the situation, I would greatly appreciate it.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Let your friend know that if she agrees for her parents to have custody, it's very unlikely she will EVER get her son back. Tell her it's time to put her big-girl panties on and be a grown woman. If she needs help, get her to see a counselor...and have her tell the counselor her sole purpose is to figure out how to care for her child and have him full-time in her custody. And she needs to get an attorney...now.

 

[sunnyday123]

Let your friend know that if she agrees for her parents to have custody, it's very unlikely she will EVER get her son back. Tell her it's time to put her big-girl panties on and be a grown woman. If she needs help, get her to see a counselor...and have her tell the counselor her sole purpose is to figure out how to care for her child and have him full-time in her custody. And she needs to get an attorney...now.

This. She needs to do all of the above, asap. Give her a link so she can read this.

 

[RitaE]

S2BXH is not a citizen of the US (green card) and has family, friends, and money in his home country. His parents have said they would abduct the child. He is considered, right now, to be a flight risk because the ONLY thing holding him here is the child.

I'm sorry but this is all just too confusing for words.
He's a flight risk? Is he a criminal legally required to remain in the country?

Because otherwise that is not a "flight risk." That's a citizen of another country moving back home. They are allowed to do that you know.

And he's blackmailing her? How???????

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

So your friend's parents are on the side of the ex but she thinks it is a good idea to leave her child with them? What is going to stop them from letting the ex take the kid out of the country? Or for that matter, what is going to stop them from just giving custody to the ex once their rights have been established?

Unless your friend smartens up and gets a lawyer to stand up for her rights, and gets one ASAP, I'm almost 100% sure she will be seeing her son for the last time.

I feel very sorry for this little boy because it sounds all the adults in this situation are a bunch of selfish, irresponsible people who need to grow up.

 

[RitaZ.]

That is a very good point. One point where I really do not understand her reasoning. I think it’s basically she doesn’t think she can take care of him, she really doesn’t want her ex to take him and so all that’s left are her parents. Plus, I think she keeps wishing and hoping that they will show her they love and respect her.



Believe me I have been trying and I will continue to, but my efforts aren’t working at all. Anytime I build her up ready to do something productive, her parents or X knock her down.

If anyone knows of any resources/techniques I can use or any ideas to help "wake her up" to the situation, I would greatly appreciate it.

Here is a simple technique- tell your friend that it's time for her to stop blaming all her problems on her parents. It's time to behave like an adult and make the responsible choices that go along with being one. She made a baby with a man and it's time to do the right thing for her child. She is no longer the center of her universe.

 

[crashbb]

Oh that's just terrifying.

Hope she's hired a lawyer. Her FIL sounds frightening and threatening. I'm sure she's seen the Sally Field movie from '91 about international kidnapping of one's own children? FIL is reminding me of Alfred Molina's character's family...

But Betty Mahmoody (the mother who wrote the book and on whom the movie was based) wanted her daughter. If the OP gives up custody of her son, then whoever has custody is allowed to move the child wherever they feel like.

I don't understand the "flight risk" comment - isn't that when people are on bail (or some such). Why shouldn't he go home (to visit or to live)?

 

[Scurvy]

The soon to be ex was right to get a lawyer. For something this complicated they really should both have had them all along, but certainly once the restraining order was filed he didn't have a choice.

But Betty Mahmoody (the mother who wrote the book and on whom the movie was based) wanted her daughter. If the OP gives up custody of her son, then whoever has custody is allowed to move the child wherever they feel like.
I don't understand the "flight risk" comment - isn't that when people are on bail (or some such). Why shouldn't he go home (to visit or to live)?

Yes, I'm not seeing the problem here. The mother does not want custody. The father is actually a citizen of another country. If he did want custody, and did want to go back home, then what would be the problem with that? Admittedly it would make visitation more complicated, but that happens sometimes in a divorce. Just because he shares a child with someone in this country is no reason that the father should never be allowed to go back to his own country, and I haven't seen any reason that he shouldn't be allowed to take his child with him if he wants to. If there is some good reason why he shouldn't, then the mother should be trying to get full custody of the child to prevent it.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Short & simple. The man is NOT a "flight risk" and legally the way things stand he can get on a plane tomorrow with his child & go wherever he wants...tell your friend to get her head together and for God's sake put her childs needs first and that is ultimately the only decision that she has to make on her own not by anyone else