Can I vent? (hoarding issue)

[MushyMushy]

I don't need advice, just a place to vent.

I posted last summer about all the time my sister and I spent cleaning out my father's house. He and my mother were hoarders, so you can imagine how bad it was -- and we only did the downstairs! Well, he's in an assisted living place until the end of October, so we still have time to keep working towards doing the upstairs of the house.

Okay, now, my sister's son had to have heart surgery (today, and he came through well!). Needless to say, she's had a lot on her mind, and has been furiously cleaning her own house to prepare for his recovery.

I went to my dad's to pick up his mail the other day and found a huge surprise. My sister has been cleaning out HER house, and bringing everything into town to store in HIS house. The dining room is full of big rubbermaid boxes full of stuff. She has these giant garbage bags full of stuff in his living room as well. Two of the upstairs bedrooms are jam packed from years ago when she and her family had to live with my parents for a couple of years. The rest of the upstairs is jam packed with my parents' stuff, dating back to the 50s and 60s.

I could have cried. I still could just thinking about it. I have no idea why she would do something like this, even with all she has on her mind! I'm just ready to wash my hands of this whole darn mess. I wanted to let her have it, but not now when she's got so much on her plate with her son. Somebody just shoot me.

 

[C.Ann]

No - I won't "shoot you"..

This is all you're getting..

 

[Mimi1965]

It sounds as if she is a hoarder too-cant throw away= so just moves her stuff to his place-really sad

 

[usnuzuloose]

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Hoarders are tremendously frustrating to deal with.

 

[MushyMushy]

Hoarders are tremendously frustrating to deal with.

I didn't know she had this problem too! I had no idea. I should have realized because she never lets me come to her house, but I just thought it was because she lived way out in the boonies.

 

[momof1princess]

OP, i'm so sorry you're dealing with this. i know it's heartbreaking and stressful, especially with your dad coming back home soon and your nephew recovering from surgery.

 

[samshane]

So sorry yopu need to deal with this...

 

[SandrA9810]

I remember you having a huge topic about the cleaning, and how little it seemed to do.

Does your sister realize she has the same issues as your dad?? Have you tried to talk to her about it. I know she's bringing her son home, but your father is coming home too. And both homes need to be clean for them to continue to get better.

If she doesn't have the patience to go through all her belongings right now, talk to her about renting a storage unit. Even offer to help transport the things there. If she doesn't have the money, it might give her a new push to finally face her problem.

If there's still rooms that are of your parent's things. I do hope you continue to push through to get those cleaned up for your father.

 

[dislaney]

Sorry your having to deal with this!

 

[Chim Chiminy]

Hugs to you!
I remember that thread, i believe I posted on it because both of my parents are hoarders too. I dread the day when it will become my issue, because the are ill or have to move or pass away.

Have you thought about contacting a therapist who specializes in hoarding?
I know on the Hoarders website they list resources.
I had considered contacting someone to help my parents, until my mom told me absolutely not.

 

[mrsksomeday]

I would tell her that I understood she needed to move stuff out of her house to be ready for her son's recovery, but taking the stuff to Dad's was unacceptable. She needs to rent a storage building and move it all there.

 

[southernbohemian]

I'm sorry you're having to go through this all over again. Especially now that you only have a couple of weeks left.

I second the idea of asking your sister to rent a storage unit. I would even maybe suggest that you both go in on a storage shed together and put everything in there - her stuff that has moved over as well as your leftover parents' stuff. Explain that you are worried that you won't have time to go through it all before your father gets home and she obviously shouldn't be worried about it right now.

Then, once things are more settled with both invalids - get her to commit to one afternoon a week at least of going with you to the storage shed and going through stuff and throwing things away.

Oh, sorry, just saw that you weren't looking for advice. Oh well - sometimes I can't help myself.

 

[MushyMushy]

I don't mind the advice, it's just that I already know what needs to be done and/or said, but it's just not the right time to do it.

I will say that when the time comes, I'm done doing dirty or heavy work. I spent most of the summer having bad neck and back pain from working over there, plus my house suffered in the process. If there's one thing I learned from watching the various hoarders shows, it's that you can clean until your fingers fall off, if the hoarder isn't ready to change, then the house will go right back to being what it was. My dad's of sound mind (though being very childish as he has been his entire life), and he has a choice. He can stay in the nice clean assisted living place where he is, with friends and plenty of daily assistance. Or he can go home and live in a pigsty.

I know I sound cold, and it's easy to be this determined now when I don't have to say no to anybody. So just let me enjoy having a backbone for a change.

 

[bettymae1121]

I don't know how affordable it is, but there is a company called 1-800-GOT-JUNK that sends out a truck and a crew to help clean out homes. They not only do homes of hoarders but can help clean out homes of people who have passed away and don't have anything valuable enough for the family to want to keep (an adult child of an elderly man down the street from us used them to clean out his father's home after he passed away. He said they took out the things they wanted to keep and let this company hall the rest off).

If you can afford it, this might be the best way to handle it since you don't want to do the heavy lifting anymore.

 

[golfgal]

I think Bettymae has the right idea-hire a company to come do the work. I know of one company here, Rose's Daughters, that do this. They will come and completely clean out a place or they will come and help someone clean. You might want to get a 2 for 1 deal and have them do both your Dad's place and your sister's place.

Another option is to say "sis, I know you have a lot going on but we need to deal with the stuff you brought to Dad's. We can either get a dumpster and throw it all away or rent a storage garage and put it in there. I am going to give you until Saturday to decide. If you can't come up with a decision by then, I will take care of it." (then toss it all). All she would need to do is decide how she wants it dealt with-you might have to do the work.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I don't need advice, just a place to vent.

I posted last summer about all the time my sister and I spent cleaning out my father's house. He and my mother were hoarders, so you can imagine how bad it was -- and we only did the downstairs! Well, he's in an assisted living place until the end of October, so we still have time to keep working towards doing the upstairs of the house.

Okay, now, my sister's son had to have heart surgery (today, and he came through well!). Needless to say, she's had a lot on her mind, and has been furiously cleaning her own house to prepare for his recovery.

I went to my dad's to pick up his mail the other day and found a huge surprise. My sister has been cleaning out HER house, and bringing everything into town to store in HIS house. The dining room is full of big rubbermaid boxes full of stuff. She has these giant garbage bags full of stuff in his living room as well. Two of the upstairs bedrooms are jam packed from years ago when she and her family had to live with my parents for a couple of years. The rest of the upstairs is jam packed with my parents' stuff, dating back to the 50s and 60s.

I could have cried. I still could just thinking about it. I have no idea why she would do something like this, even with all she has on her mind! I'm just ready to wash my hands of this whole darn mess. I wanted to let her have it, but not now when she's got so much on her plate with her son. Somebody just shoot me.

 

[tlbwriter]

How frustrating! I really think it is time for you to drop the rope and say "I can't be involved in this any more." It's not cold at all. You can't do anything to help them - your parents or your sister - and you are only going to run yourself into the ground trying to make it right.