Can anyone explain this behavior?

[spima3]

This is a little personal, but I am truly perplexed. Dh and I have a good marriage for the most part. The usual stressors: kids, in-laws, job losses, getting older, life!

Every so often he just shuts down. We'll go to bed fine one night and the next day he is barely speaking to me. Won't kiss me, touch me, snaps at me and the kids, and I have no clue as to why.

If I ask him why he is suddenly acting like this, he tells me it's all in my head, or he laughs and says I'm being silly. I leave him alone but the "distance" remains and after about a week I flip. Tell him he needs to change or get out, as I won't live like this. Finally, he'll apologize and say he's sorry, blah, blah, blah. Then we're good for another six months.

What is this? Is he just overwhelmed or depressed, or what? It happens so quickly and I never see it coming. Any one with some insight and better yet, advice? thx lori

 

[SydSim]

Sounds like some sort of depression to me. Therapy could get to the bottom of it.

 

[yourtravelpro]

Have you ever read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It sounds like what they explain in Chapter 6, "Men are like Rubberbands". When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubberband is a perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. The cycle involves getting close, pulling away and then getting close again. Most women are surprise to realize that even when a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. He pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or automony. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again.

Sometimes it's so hard to understand this because right away we go jumping to conclusions, but I think the most important thing is to trust him and allow him to do this. This will make him feel safe.

 

[momrek06]

Sounds like some sort of depression to me. Therapy could get to the bottom of it.

Sounds like depression to me as well. My Dad went through this exact same thing. He would be so loving one minute and the next day he is seems just full of anger. I would ask him what was up and he would deny being any different than any day.

Well my Mom finally convinced him to see a Counselor. She spoke with him at length. Dad finally took some "seratonin" level hand written test and just by his answers on this test, it should his levels way down. He went on Zoloft and wow, what a difference in a man AND the best part was my Dad was just so much happier himself.

 

[marquettedis]

bipolar?? i know he is a little too old for it not to have been diagnosed but maybe??

 

[MAKmom]

Depression... get him walking every night.

 

[KristiKelly]

I was going to say depression as well. I agree with get him walking, some type of exercies. Also, diet drinks (artificial sweeteners) will do this to me as well. If he drinks diet drinks daily, get him to back off of them.

 

[spima3]

I was going to say depression as well. I agree with get him walking, some type of exercies. Also, diet drinks (artificial sweeteners) will do this to me as well. If he drinks diet drinks daily, get him to back off of them.

Well, that's the problem. He does exercise daily, and is very health concious.
No diet soda, limited alcohol, he is in excellent physical shape.
He works long hours, so I am usually the one doing all the running with the kids, etc. He is the primary/sole income, so I know that is stressful but my life is stressful too.
The thing I don't understand is the quickness in which it happens, and the length of time it continues.
I was hoping maybe some men could see themselves in this behavior and explain it, some male thing I'm just not getting.
lori

 

[jemiaule]

It does not sound like depression at all to me.

Considering your last post it sounds like he perhaps is indeed stressed and/or harbors some resentment as being the sole income maker. For a lot of couples this can be a lurking issue that can and does rear it's ugly head. It could be the reason he shuts down is because he realizes you have your stresses as well and does not want a confrontation with you.

I think trying to talk to him and find the root cause of the issue would be considerably more effective then telling him to "change or get out". Someday he may take you up on that and actually leave.

 

[DeterminedOne]

I was going to mention Men are From Mars Women are From Venus as someone else did. He's probably under a great deal of stress, which men and women deal with differently. When women are stressed, we want to talk. When men are stressed they go to their "cave" to solve their problems alone.
Could be depression, too - but he's still a Martian.

 

[orljustin]

It isn't depression. I do the same thing. After 12 years of marriage, occasionally, everything just starts to bother you, and you just want to get out. After a couple days or beers, you remember how good you have it.

 

[shortbun]

I think I'd talk to him about it when it was NOT happening. I suggest he visit a doctor if he really is not aware that he is doing it. If he is harboring some bad feelings from time to time, he needs to learn to manage his level of reaction or learn to talk to someone about it- not you necessarily. Good luck, sounds awful and would scare me.

 

[SydSim]

It does not sound like depression at all to me.

Considering your last post it sounds like he perhaps is indeed stressed and/or harbors some resentment as being the sole income maker. For a lot of couples this can be a lurking issue that can and does rear it's ugly head. It could be the reason he shuts down is because he realizes you have your stresses as well and does not want a confrontation with you.

I think trying to talk to him and find the root cause of the issue would be considerably more effective then telling him to "change or get out". Someday he may take you up on that and actually leave.

Depression can manifest itself in many ways. The fact that her DH experiences these behaviors about every six months shows a pattern, which is typical of depression. Stress is one thing, but going to bed fine, and waking up not wanting to talk, or kiss and snapping about everything sounds a lot like depression.

 

[monkeyboy]

not gettin enuff

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I thought depression until your second post.
To the posters that say this is normal there is nothing "normal" about wanting to get out. Did you ever think maybe all the asking what is wrong is actually making something wrong?

 

[jemiaule]

Depression can manifest itself in many ways. The fact that her DH experiences these behaviors about every six months shows a pattern, which is typical of depression. Stress is one thing, but going to bed fine, and waking up not wanting to talk, or kiss and snapping about everything sounds a lot like depression.

Are you a mental health professional with experience in depression? I am not but am giving OP my opinion based on personal experience that is strikingly similar to her own.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Sounds simple to me someone in this marriage is angry & resentful. Big problem that needs to be addressed. IMO.

 

[PrincessTiff]

Sounds simple to me someone in this marriage is angry & resentful. Big problem that needs to be addressed. IMO.

I agree.

Has he been showing signs of having an affair recently?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yea, pretty much you two are at odds with each other.

The behavior isn't "out of the blue"...he carries it with him always.

My guess is he shuts down for a week at a time because that is all he can do right now. Perhaps he does not know how to negotiate with you, or he may think it is useless, or he tried before, trying to punish you because he feels punished, depression, hopelessness, feeling trapped, overwhelmed,
whatever the explanation is...you get the picture.

Have to fix root cause. In other words, must take the thorn out of the lion's paw before it gets better.

 

[nhrenee]

Please try couples counceling. It won't hurt and is good for any marriage, imho.