Came out to coworker, need advice (long post)

[Sphyrna]

Tonight has been quite a night. I ended up coming out to my best friend at work. Yea, I guess it's sad, but I'm not out at work. It's something I've struggled with since I started. After my last job I really wanted to come out at my next job. But at the same time, when I started I was a contractor and not a permanent employee. From what I was told it was just going to be a few months while the one employee was out on medical leave. He came back and I was still there. Then they decided to make it a permanent position. I hate to say it, but I didn't want to come out then as to not give them a reason to pick someone else. (There were 2 other techs who were permanent employees but worked for a different department that also applied). After that it just seemed awkward. It's not like I can do the introductory "Hi, btw, I'm gay." I kinda hoped someone would just ask, b/c I wouldn't deny it if they had.

Anywho, I've been wanting to tell my best friend at work for a while, especially after getting back from my GD trip. But it was kinda something I wanted to do in person, but not at work. Although he's my best friend we don't hang out outside of work. We both suffer from depression and when not at work like to just stay home. He just started playing the same game I play, World of Warcraft. We joke around with each other a lot. Tonight we were playing WoW and chatting and I made some comment/joke and he ended up telling me something very personal about his past (dealing with guys). He asks that I not say anything to anyone else about what he told me. Later he goes on to say "yea, I'm str8". I replied "I'm not". Even then I wasn't sure I wanted to come out, so I tried to cover it by saying "I'm not going to say anything to anyone." It seemed to work as he thought I just didn't finish my sentence the first time. Unfortunately, we had bad timing and he had to go. Of course, the wait for him to return was torture. During the wait I just decided I was going to come clean and tell him. As soon as he got back online we picked up our conversation where we left off. This time I let him know I made 2 statements, "I'm not (str8)" and "I'm not going to say anything (about what he had told me)".

We ended up having a really nice conversation for a couple hours. The whole time after he came back I wasn't even playing the game, just chatting with him. He revealed to me that he had his suspicions, as did the entire department. I guess they were suspicious shortly after I started when I went to Disney for Gay Days. I didn't say that's why I was going but I guess someone knew there was a "gay event" then. The good thing is he was really cool about it. I'm sure everyone's fear about coming out to a friend is that it will affect their friendship. That was my fear as well. I really do value the time we spend at work. We both smoke, so often go out together for smoke breaks and do a lot of talking. We also joke around a lot and I didn't want anything to jeopardize that. Knowing he had suspected it for a while and was still cool and from our chat tonight I know he'll be cool, so that's a huge relief. I'm still not sure how to go about coming out to everyone else at work. Since many have suspected it, and even asked my friend, I don't think they'd have a problem with it. But again, it's awkward after being there for a couple years. Any suggestions on how to go about it? I value and welcome everyone's opinion and suggestions. I might even ask for your opinions on where to go from here with my friend. TIA

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I don't have any real advice for you, but am happy for you that the conversation with your co-worker went well.

I've never "formally" come out, instead using semiotics. HRC logo is on my planner. I use it every day and anyone who knows the logo sees it. You can't look at my car and not pick up on the signs, again if you recognize them.

It's worked for me. There are any number of co-workers who let me know immediately that they are gay too, so that is the "outing" to one another.

That others know, is a certainty. Have some people changed their behaviors toward me as a result? I don't know. I know behaviors have changed... won't ascribe motive.

So, all that to say, I'd probably let it be. If "they suspected" it implies that "they" are talking and he will confirm that you are (would be my thought).

If you feel the need to make a formal announcement then that is something that you should do to make yourself comfortable.

 

[OKW Lover]

I think you've done just about everything you needed to do. You told your friend (who already suspected) and things haven't changed. No reason you should do anything different now.

Sure, you'll probably be more comfortable talking about "gay things" now with your friend. Just be a little sensitive to your friends reaction for a while until you get a better feel for just how comfortable the subject is. It could take some getting used to - or not.

 

[lillielil]

If you want to officially out yourself to everyone else but don't want to make an announcement, you may want to enlist your friend to help. It sounds like he has already been involved in some office discussion about you, so it may be easy enough to ask him to clear things up the next time the topic comes up, and let your other co-workers know that you're ok with them knowing, but don't feel the need to broadcast it from the rooftop.

 

[Sphyrna]

Thanks for the feedback. I did hold back some comments last night with him as I was trying to be sensitive to him. However, we are pretty open with each other and share things I wouldn't share with anyone else at the office. I actually think I came away from the conversation a little more shocked from things he said than from he did from me coming out.

I did think about having my friend help clear things up with my other coworkers. Like I told him, I wouldn't deny it if they asked. They've just never asked. I also thought about just letting them find out from my facebook profile (once I create one). We'll see.

 

[PghLybrt]

I think what you did was great and i am glad you recieved a positive reaction from your friend! I think the more we come out and talk about it the more comfortable we start becoming in our own skin. I can see why you did hesiate though, PGH is not the same as what you see on Queer as Folk.

 

[wallyb]

I'd say come out to who you want -
and don't to who you don't want to.
You don't "owe" it to anyone.
I don't get why gay people are taged by
who we sleep with or what we do in the bedroom.

 

[OrlandoMike]

The only advice this old man has is....

Being "out" makes your life a lot easier!

I know it can be difficult to share this info with some people, and you may have to leave some folks behind in this journey we call life.... But in the end you have to be true to yourself!

 

[Sphyrna]

I'd say come out to who you want -
and don't to who you don't want to.
You don't "owe" it to anyone.
I don't get why gay people are taged by
who we sleep with or what we do in the bedroom.

I agree. I don't think it's anyone's business what I do in the bedroom unless they're involved. But at the same time it does make conversations awkward at times.

 

[Sphyrna]

The only advice this old man has is....

Being "out" makes your life a lot easier!

I know it can be difficult to share this info with some people, and you may have to leave some folks behind in this journey we call life.... But in the end you have to be true to yourself!

Thanks for the advice. I can see how being out can make life a lot easier. Already I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. It can be difficult, especially when it comes to work. I really enjoy my work and the interactions with my coworkers and don't want that to change. I spend a good amount of my day at work and wouldn't want to spend it in a bad environment. Not that I think any of the other coworkers in my department would create a bad environment. And it could make it better, not having that cloud over me.

 

[Sphyrna]

I think what you did was great and i am glad you recieved a positive reaction from your friend! I think the more we come out and talk about it the more comfortable we start becoming in our own skin. I can see why you did hesiate though, PGH is not the same as what you see on Queer as Folk.

LoL I think it's funny when talking to someone from somewhere else and they think Pgh is like Queer as Folk. Boy are they in for a rude awakening.

 

[wallyb]

I agree. I don't think it's anyone's business what I do in the bedroom unless they're involved. But at the same time it does make conversations awkward at times.

Well that said - I out to everyone I know.
But I work in a job - live in a state - and have fam and friends-
where it does not impact on me that people know.
So like mike said I'd be as out as you can be-
it's freeing - but I don't know your situ-
so I don't know if "all out" would hurt you or not.
Would not want bad stuff to happen to ya cause of my carelss
advice.

 

[PghLybrt]

LoL I think it's funny when talking to someone from somewhere else and they think Pgh is like Queer as Folk. Boy are they in for a rude awakening.

If only it was!

Then it gets scarier the further north and south you go! Thats where i live where I do, I feel it is my duty to bring queer to the country! LOL
(Ok in all honesty my GF will not move into the city, so I am as close as I can be)

 

[Kronk_Fan]

I actually came out probably about 3 years ago. I'm not out to everyone, but a few of the first people I told were co-workers. But then again, they were some of my best friends and all women. One gave me "are you sure this is what you want?" talk. LOL. But they were all cool with it.

I didn't tell everyone at work, and at my current job the people that know just assumed from little things they picked up from my conversation. But I don't go out of my way to tell anyone. Like you, if they ask, I would have no problem telling them. I just don't need to go around telling everyone I meet. Too, I have grown to be kinda private, which might be odd for someone my age. So I don't like people all up in my business unless I invite them to be.

I think it's cool how your friend handled it. It sounds like he is a true and accepting friend. I wouldn't worry about anything else and just carry on with your friendship. Just be yourself...that's what's important. Let people come to you.

 

[turkygurl]

Jim,

My brother has a professional job here in Jacksonville, and since it isn't the most "family"-friendly city in the country, he has taken a stance that I think works for him, and the company. He answers honestly if people ask, and says nothing if they don't. He doesn't hide it (and since you've met my brother, I'm sure you realize it's not really possible for him to hide it). He thought everyone at work knew after he had been there a few years, until he got asked out by a female co-worker a few months back. He laughed and said, "I thought you KNEW!" She apologized, but they went out for drinks anyway (as friends).

 

[Sphyrna]

That's how I've been, I wouldn't lie if they asked. They just haven't asked. Instead they prefer to talk amongst each other. Then of course, it's "don't tell anyone". I need a spreadsheet just to keep track of what I can say to whom about my coworkers. He did say he's picked up on little things I've said, so maybe others have too. If they want to know so bad they can ask me.

My friend is definitely cool. He's definitely had his share of issues. I've tried to offer my help and support as much as I can. When he was talking about getting a divorce and not being able to afford a place I even suggested we get a place together. I'm not sure if I would have done it, but I would have considered it. Back at work today it was business as usual. My friend and I interacted just like we normally do.

 

[OrlandoMike]

I need a spreadsheet just to keep track of what I can say to whom about my coworkers.

Not telling you when and how to come out, but once again, once you can throw out that spreadsheet, life gets a lot easier!

For me, at any new work location, I usually say something like "Well last night Shrek and I went out to dinner." When they ask who Shrek is, I simply say "My partner". Problem solved....

I'm sure as time goes on, you will feel more comfortable with more of your co-workers!

 

[hematite153]

LoL I think it's funny when talking to someone from somewhere else and they think Pgh is like Queer as Folk. Boy are they in for a rude awakening.

If only it was!

Most of the people I might talk to about Queer as Folk can actually tell me where to find the buildings they used in Toronto. So, I don't have that problem.

For me, at any new work location, I usually say something like "Well last night Shrek and I went out to dinner." When they ask who Shrek is, I simply say "My partner". Problem solved....

Yep, it became so much easier once I was married. I just talk about my life normally without having to think about how to tell someone something that only comes up rather artificially.

 

[Kronk_Fan]

I think everyone works differently in the same situation. Just have to find what works best for you and what you are comfortable with...whatever comes natural.

 

[DisneyRainbow]

Being out at work definitely gets easier as time goes by (at least it did for me) and it's so much easier just to be out and relaxed about it. For me there's usually been someone (usually a woman) who asks me if I'm married and I say "I have a partner and his name is John." I wear a wedding ring though not legally married. I also always bring in a picture for my desk of the two of us...usually the one of us on the Sun Wheel at Disney California Adventure. Best of luck to you...