Calling all Single Moms (or Dad's) - vacation with ex

[prestonsmomma]

OK here is the story, DH decided Saturday was a good day to tell us that he was moving out (no CLUE this was coming by the way). We are leaving for Disney in 19 days. My ILs were supposed to be travelling with us. My FIL backed out as soon as he found out what my DH did. My MIL is basically siding with me (for now as I know that could change at any second). I told DH he could go with us if he wanted to or he could forget it and stay home. I originally said that MIL was NOT going either but after a phone call from her (secret phone call) and thinking that DH could stay with her instead of me, I've decided that she can go. My question is, can you think of anything I need to watch for while we are there?? My first goal is to protect my child and this trip wouldn't be happening if he wasn't so excited about it. I have told my DH my DS will not leave my side the entire trip not even for a potty break. Yes I know I'm insane for even doing this (the lawyer told me as much yesterday but said he was impressed that I was putting DS over anything else that was going on) but I can't break my childs heart and tell him we aren't going. I'm just trying to make sure that this trip goes off as easy as possible in the situation.

 

[Precious1971]

You are a very strong woman to do this. I will keep an eye on your child at all time, that is the most important thing I can think of. Also, explain to him that just cause you guys are vacationing together does not mean that Mom and Dad are getting back together. I don't know how old your child is but you need to make things clear from him. Best of luck!!!

 

[I'mNoPrince]

As a man with what DH did he is just cowardly the way he went about it. This is not something that just comes up.

He wants you to be miserable just like he must be ( for whatever reason ) I had a friend that did the same thing and my parents split after our first trip to Disney at the age of 10.

Yes keep and eye on DS but I wouldn't worry it seems he already has plans on being a single man again and a child would crap his style.

Go have a great trip and if they want to come let them if not then so be it.

DMiL has no bearing on what her kid did try to let her stay in DS's life it's not her fault .

My mom and GM got along fine after the split until the day she passes.

 

[nettii]

Im sorry to hear your bad news but you sound very string! And very smart! I am not very trusting when it comes to my kids and I would alsokeep an eye on dmi no saying shes bad or has any intentions but keeping your son safe and happy is what is important! Stay strong!

 

[swillis]

Ugh,
The fact that you're still going on this trip shows you're a stronger person than me.
I personally wouldn't be able to enjoy myself if I was to take a vacation with my ex husband, and his parents. I would find it painful to try to pretend that all was well with us, and constantly be "on" as the happy family.

I don't know the whole story about how your marriage ended, but if it did end as abruptly as it seemed in your post, well you have a right to grieve. You have a right to be angry. And you have a right to say, let's reschedule this vacation to a less hectic time on our lives.

Anyway...good luck to you. I hope everything works out well.

 

[prestonsmomma]

Abrupt doesn't even come close to describing how quickly it ended. I left to get a haircut and came home to a husband who said he didn't love me, had never been happy, and felt like I forced him to get married (not true by the way we dated for 5 years before we got married). We are still going because of my DS. He is beyond excited about going back and has been for over a year now and I'm not about to take that away from him now. He probably needs a great vacation right now more than he ever has before (and so do I).

 

[DisneyDivaMom]

Oh, I am so sorry at this turn of events. Life takes these twists and turns, don't it? Stay strong, you and your boy will be fine. Just keep your wits about you.

 

[LJRJR]

Are you at all concerned with what your soon to be ex might do to your home as far as taking things (money, paperwork valuables) while you are gone. I am certainly not saying dont go, but be, careful, try to move any important items to maybe a friends house before you go. I am not talking about the TV set, but things that mean alot to you like maybe picutres or special things, he probably wont even notice they are gone. However I do not know your situation or your husband, he might not be the type to become nasty. I remember my parents divorce where my father could not "steal" the car, but he took the stearing wheel off it while it sat in our garage and made that dissapear. Watch your back.

 

[disneyfanfamily]

I would also go to WDW. But I would not want my X to go. All the feelings and memories and hopes that you might have/feel will be coming up. I don't want it to ruin YOUR trip. I still wouldn't want MIL to come. But if she does come, make it a point to tell her that you guys are not going to be talking about your ex during your trip.

I had a very similar situation. Never got divorced, we ended up working things out, but I remember the feelings I had. Be careful. Exes can turn mean very quickly - and for no reason.

Just from experience, I would say it again....if you can go with just you and DS, that is what I would do....

Have a nice trip. The memories should be beautiful.

 

[prestonsmomma]

No worries of him coming in and getting anything (else, he took the phone bill so I couldn't take it to the attorney with his girlfriends phone number on it, don't worry I printed it online and took it anyway). He is going with us. Yes I know I'm insane. He will be rooming with his Mother. That should be fun. Also I'm having the locks changed on my house this afternoon just for that very reason.

 

[kmk160]

I am so sorry that this happened to you and your family. You put this out there for the opinions of us readers and I will offer you mine. I am now in my 30's but when I was a child, my bio father did this to my mother...up and left with no warning, etc..
Before having kids of my own, I worked with young children in a field where many of them went through similar situations.
I am not sure how old your son is, but regardless, in my own opinion, I think vacationing with your ex is going to make things harder for your son and dodge reality for him.
You are not going to be together, right? If that is the case, I think pretending like a family vacation is a good idea, is unfair to all of you who are involved.
I have taken my two kids to Disney several times with my husband. I am telling you from experience that the memories you will make there with your son are indescribable. With your ex there in this current situation, I just feel like you're going to miss some of those incredible moments, etc...
Whatever you decide, best of luck. Wanted to offer my thoughts to you.

 

[prestonsmomma]

Thank you for your honest opinion. That is exactly what I was looking for actually. A different point of view. Actually DH will be with us (just in a different room). We have ADRs together along with every other plan made. None of that is changing. The only thing changing in that he will be sleeping in his Mother's room and my FIL isn't going. We can still in a room together and not argue or really even fuss. We want to show our DS (who is 4, nearly 5 by the way) that while Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be married anymore that he is our #1 priority and that we can be around each other even though the whole marriage didn't work. Does that make sense??

 

[robinb]

Thank you for your honest opinion. That is exactly what I was looking for actually. A different point of view. Actually DH will be with us (just in a different room). We have ADRs together along with every other plan made. None of that is changing. The only thing changing in that he will be sleeping in his Mother's room and my FIL isn't going. We can still in a room together and not argue or really even fuss. We want to show our DS (who is 4, nearly 5 by the way) that while Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be married anymore that he is our #1 priority and that we can be around each other even though the whole marriage didn't work. Does that make sense??

No, I'm sorry. This makes no sense at all to me. I agree with your lawyer. It's a really, really bad idea to go on vacation with a man who just up and dumped you and your son.

You are not putting your son first. You are trying to hold onto a dream that your husband crushed on Saturday. Let the dream go as the trip will be a nightmare.

I'm sorry you are in this situation but you need to get your head out of the ... sand ... to make the best decision for your son. {{hugs}}

 

[tink1978]

It could really be a bad idea to go on vacation with your ex....he will probably argue with you the whole time and your son does not need to see that. If he insists on going, sit down with him and his parents and make a list of ground rules and how things will be handled if there is an argument.

I am sorry that this has happened to you. You never know with some people. The same situation happened with my cousin and his wife. She left him a couple of weeks ago, but they have only been married for a year. You can make it without him and just keep your son first. Make the best decisions that you can, but be very, very careful. He could be looking for any reason to say you are unfit, etc. Keep close tabs...that's all I'm saying.

 

[Zoemakes5]

Thank you for your honest opinion. That is exactly what I was looking for actually. A different point of view. Actually DH will be with us (just in a different room). We have ADRs together along with every other plan made. None of that is changing. The only thing changing in that he will be sleeping in his Mother's room and my FIL isn't going. We can still in a room together and not argue or really even fuss. We want to show our DS (who is 4, nearly 5 by the way) that while Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be married anymore that he is our #1 priority and that we can be around each other even though the whole marriage didn't work. Does that make sense??

Michelle, I'm going to answer this in the way it was worded, that you want honest input. If I'm crossing the line, please forgive me.
My parents were divorced when I was 4. We moved out of state. The following summer, my mom drove me back to visit my dad. They "played nice" and we spent time together, even took me to DL and Knott's Berry Farm together, even though my mom stayed at a hotel and Dad has his apartment. I felt and thought "yay, my family is back together." My mom still talks about how I reacted to going "home" and how hard it was on everyone. It was a harsh dose of reality.
I honestly don't think that kids that age can understand and process the "we're together but not together" concept. And, they grieve what they view as the loss of their family. You're going during the time where your DS will be grieving, won't know what to expect, how to act, trying to find his place in his new world without Daddy there all the time. I think it might be better to have just you, or you and MIL, even, go to Disney by yourselves.
As your son grows, you will have many many opportunities to show him how he is the center of your world and your ex will be able to do the same. You'll grow into your co-parenting relationship. As he gets older, and understands that you will not be getting back together, then you may be able to do things together in ways you weren't able to before. Like holidays and vacations. When I was older and both my parents remarried, we had many holidays together, as my dad's parents and my step-mom's parents had passed away and we were our own unusual "family". When I was married, my parents all wanted to sit at one table together. This is in great contrast to many of my friends who refused to attend weddings and graduations if the other parent was going to be there! I was able to handle it then, but I can tell you, as a younger child, I wouldn't have been able to deal with it at all. Plus, you and your soon to be ex won't have had the time to figure out your roles or how you're going to interact. Children feel the stress like you won't believe.
Big hugs to you. I can't even imagine!

 

[prestonsmomma]

Thank you Zoemakes5. Your wording was much better than telling me I have my head in the sand. That was just cold and heartless. I appreciate your input. DH is coming by the house tonight to see our DS for a bit so maybe we can discuss it more then. As for DS seeing us fight and argue and banter back and forth, we don't do that. We never have. Neither of us are argumentative people and it's just not our nature. We have been able to talk calmly about all of this. You have given more some first hand information though that I will definately have to think about.

 

[Jaymie]

I agree with Zoemakes5. I was 4 when my parents split up. My brother was 11 and my sister was 9. Shortly after the divorce, my dad took us kids to WDW with his parents. My mom drove us to the airport and I still (vaguely) remember being excited that we were all going together. My mom didn't come, she just took us to the airport. I got over that pretty easily. But if she would have come with us, that may have been harder and very confusing.

Now my first memories of WDW are when I was 4 with my dad & grandparents and it was a very happy time.

I know you're putting your DS first, as you should. But secondly think about yourself. I couldn't imagine a vacation with an ex, especially after just a sudden break up.....and you mentionned he has a girlfriend?? Forget him!! MIL, maybe, it sounds like you have a good relationship with her, but forget the ex.

Good Luck with everything!

 

[SnoWhiteRabbit]

I might consider postponing your trip, and taking it with just you and your DS at another time...Just a thought. I have no experience with the divorde thing (neither as a spouse or as a child), but we did cancel/postpone a trip once. My kids were 2 and 4. We had an Oct trip planned the year of Sept 11, and after Sept 11 I just couldn't do it. The 4 year old was very much looking forward to it, it was a trip with cousins and grandparents -- everyone else still went, but I couldn't do it. I DREADED telling my kids. My DH just told them matter of factly that our trip was goign to be rescheduled for another time. As worried as I was that she woudl be so disappointed and upset because she was looking forward to the trip, she was fine with it. Just wanted to let you know, that the option of rescheduling may not devastate your son the way you think it might (of course I can't say for sure, but with my experience, my kids got over it very easily...) Good luck in whatever you decide...

 

[ilovejack02]

Since ds is soo young, and this JUST happened I think I would wait for quite a few yrs to take a joint trip together ( and by then Im betting you wont want to ) I have a 17.5 yr old dear sweet stepson whom I met when he was 5. My DH and I married when he was 7 and he was devastated, he still thought that entire time that his dad and mom were still going to get back together, even though for the 2 yrs we dated his dad and mom limited their contact to the phone and to "drop offs' and his mom was also dating during that time. I guess some little kiddies just dont get it ( or want to get it) that Mom and Dad are NOT getting back together and I think traveling together at that young of an age is going to confuse him even more. Take MIL is you want, its great to have the ex MIL on your side TRUST ME LOL!
Just a bit of advice for you, I know things are calm now and you both are trying to big about all of this, BUT i know how things can sometimes get between parents when both are trying to be right about something.
I was watching a Dr. being interviewed on tv about divorce and kids and the biggest thing I learned from it was...

"LOVE YOUR CHILD MORE THAN YOU HATE YOUR EX"
We all know the standard dont bad mouth the ex in front of the kids etc... but I also think had we heard this long ago it would have ended arguements with ex alot faster (or we would have never been baited into them in the first place) I just thought it was a very smart thing for the Dr. to say and even though it should be something that is commen sense, sometimes some of us lose sight of the fact.

Good luck.. Im so sorry this has happened to your family.

 

[momofdbsdc]

Whatever you decide I am praying for you! I get along" OK " with my ex for my son's sake. I am not sure that I could take a vacation with him though!!!

My question to you would be "How is your son dealing with it now? Does he understand that even though Daddy is still going on vacation that the 2 of you aren't going to live together anymore? Each child is different. It is hard to tell what their thoughts and expectations are.

Whatever you do, be very careful! i am so sorry that you nd your son have to go through this!

Blessings,
Kim
momofdbsdca