But I am 18!

[SadieDog]

Yes, I have one of those. My daughter graduated HS in June and turned 18 about 3 weeks later. I told her that I don't care how old she is, if she is living in our home then she needs to tell us if she is not coming home for the night.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Kick her out.

No, of course I'm kidding as you obviously don't want to do that, but really, you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to and you're not legally bound to assist her in any manner. She's an adult, she wants to be treated as an adult, so treat her as an adult. Start asking for rent.

 

[jodifla]

I think calm, respectful negotiations work better than confrontation, at least with my kids. They have worked since they were 16 and made their own spending money, and at 18 we talked about the rules and allowed more freedom. We never threatened to cut them loose financially or send them to the military! Once they are back from college in the summer it is very difficult because they are used to no parental oversight. It is hard to see them as adults when they have been your children for so long.

Thanks for your thoughtful post! It's amazing how people go for the knee-jerk reactions: Kick 'em out! Make 'em pay rent! Drive them to a recruiting office!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for your thoughtful post! It's amazing how people go for the knee-jerk reactions: Kick 'em out! Make 'em pay rent! Drive them to a recruiting office!

Knee-jerk? I already talk/negotiate with my dd and give her plenty of freedom. She knows the expectations, rules, etc.

If I have a kid that absolutely refused to be considerate in my home and told me to my face that they are not going to be respectful, they would be out of there.

Allowing a teen to rub your nose in it is not doing them any favors. Some kids just need to move out and start their life on their own. I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

[ginna74]

Yes you have to put your foot down before she takes you for a ride. It is all about power struggles really and that is your house your rules and she can follow them or she can deal with the consequenses, you are not a doormat!

My 15 year seems to think 18 is the magic number too, maybe from her friends, but I am telling her that with adulthood becomes more resonsibility and it is going in one ear...

 

[eliza61]

At age 18, they become tenants. Treat 'em as such.

Love it!!

Op, I'm assuming your daughter has all the normal teenage things? Cell phones, car, gas to put in car, ipod etc. How is she paying for these things?

I remind my 18 year old son all the time of the golden rule "he who owns the gold rules"

You become an adult when you pay your own bills and move out, until such time I am known as "she who must be obeyed"

 

[eliza61]

Thanks for your thoughtful post! It's amazing how people go for the knee-jerk reactions: Kick 'em out! Make 'em pay rent! Drive them to a recruiting office!

Sorry, I was assuming the op has already went that route. I donot consider the above "knee jerk" reactions. My job is to be a parent, one thing my responsibility is to teach my almost adult kids their responsibilities. No matter what the age actions come with consequences. Whether on the job, in school or at home. No body gets to "do what they want".

Sorry I agree with the majority. If my children feel they are adult enough to continuously disregard the house rules and disrespect me and the other members in the house, then they are adult enough to face the consequences.
Then we wonder "what's wrong with kids today"? kids today did not just spout up out of the ground, ill mannered and out of control. They were allowed to become like that, they learned that behaviour was acceptable.

Whether they are 8 or 18 I will not allow you to run amok without consequences. I will not be an enabler.

I tried that stunt when I was 22. I graduated from college, moved back in with my parents and thought since I was an "adult" I could do what I wanted, Had guys in my room all hours of the night, came home drunk, partied the final straw was when my grandmother died, I show up at the funeral in a white miniskirt looking like some saturday night hooker. my parents had had enough. I came home from work one day and found all my crap in plastic garbage bags in the front lawn and the locks changed. Better believe I got my act together quick fast and in a hurry

 

[sbell111]

It's so hard to actually discuss the OP's issue because we are not really clued into what the actual situation is. We don't know what rules we are discussing. We don't know what the expectaions have been over the years and how they have changed. We don't know what has been said all along about what happens what the child turns 18.

We basically know nothing, so we get in arguments over general theories, rather than the scecifics of the case.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It's so hard to actually discuss the OP's issue because we are not really clued into what the actual situation is. We don't know what rules we are discussing. We don't know what the expectaions have been over the years and how they have changed. We don't know what has been said all along about what happens what the child turns 18.

We basically know nothing, so we get in arguments over general theories, rather than the scecifics of the case.

Yes, we don't know the OP's situation (mother/father might be a crazy factor there, like my 2 nephews). That is why those of us with 18yo's living it right now are discussing what we are doing. I am living it right now. Only 3 more weeks.

 

[Camicar]

Yes, we don't know the OP's situation (mother/father might be a crazy factor there, like my 2 nephews).

Have to agree. Without knowing the OP's situation, we have no way of knowing who is being unreasonable -- her or her kid.
Odds are that the kid is just testing boundaries, but from personal experience I also know that there are some parents who are unreasonable and almost force a kid into defiance and hostility.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Have to agree. Without knowing the OP's situation, we have no way of knowing who is being unreasonable -- her or her kid.
Odds are that the kid is just testing boundaries, but from personal experience I also know that there are some parents who are unreasonable and almost force a kid into defiance and hostility.

Amen. We have to talk my nephew down from the ledge ALOT. His mother is crazy to put it simply. My brother divorced her and he is a stepson that my brother adopted.

Anyhow, she is constantly telling him to move out, among other things. 2 weeks ago we were at our cabin and he told us that his mom said that he was kicked out.

I said, why don't you call her and let her know you are OK and here. You know normal parent/child things. He had to say, "Why would I do that? She will tell me something like 'are you trying to pour salt into my wounds'?"

So we discussed his anxiety at the thought of going back home. We finally came up the the plan to act like nothing happened and see what she did.

It worked. He said he went home, acted like nothing happened and so did she.

We explained that he has got to try and maintain his primary residence there for his FAFSA.

Basically he is Harry Potter.

 

[ZuZugal]

one of my favorite sayings...

Teenagers - Tired of being harassed by your stupid parents?

ACT NOW!
MOVE OUT!
GET A JOB!
PAY YOUR OWN BILLS!!

While you still know everything!

​

 

[hlane]

I was that way from the day I turned 18. My poor parents had no idea what to do with me
Luckily I met my now DH and he got me straightened out. Should have seen my parents cry when I got married at 18 at the court house just because I could!! We can laugh now that DH and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary but there was no laughing for my parents at the time it was happening!
Hang it there! But I will admit I am dreading my kids hitting their teen years!

 

[RitaZ.]

one of my favorite sayings...

Teenagers - Tired of being harassed by your stupid parents?

ACT NOW!
MOVE OUT!
GET A JOB!
PAY YOUR OWN BILLS!!

While you still know everything!

​

Excellent!!!!

 

[jodifla]

I think this is why college is so good...kids get their independence while learning skills for the future and still getting financial help from their folks (usually) and parents don't have another adult under foot that they still want to treat like they are 14.

It must be the generation...but back in the 70s, everyone in my crowd fled their parents homes at 18 for SOMETHING....college, marriage, a job.