But I am 18!

[Gretel]

Anyone else have an 18 year old who thinks they can do as they please? I don't know what to do with her anymore, I say black she says white! She thinks she can just ignore our rules, any suggestions?

 

[ilovejack02]

Yes, I have a son like that . He is now 20. He hit 18 (moved in with us at 12) still in high school decided the rules didnt apply to him anymore. After several months , he was told he could hit the road if he didnt want to obey. He moved in with his Bio mom and figured out the grass wasnt always greener. Was back with us in about 6 months. He has just moved out again.. but he has a good job and pays his own way .. ( with a bit of spoiling from me LOL)

If you let her live ; )... i swear you will make it past this point!

PS .. at the time we were paying for car, gas, insurance etc.. It all disappeared. I dont pay for kids that dont obey.

 

[Belle0101]

Sorry. Teens can be exasperating. I say that and my DS is only 14. I wish I had some advice for you.

I just know my friends with teens that age have all said the same thing. it's like they turn 18 and ... They may think they're adults but for the most part they still have some growing up to do.

 

[jlima]

Anyone else have an 18 year old who thinks they can do as they please? I don't know what to do with her anymore, I say black she says white! She thinks she can just ignore our rules, any suggestions?

If she can't follow your rules, then make an exit plan. Tell her she has ___ months to find a job & living situation and move on. If you pay for a phone, car, gas, bills - stop on the designated day. Put your foot down; it's your house/your money/your rules.

 

[NotUrsula]

Legally speaking, she can, other than drinking. However, at that age you are also not legally obligated to support her, so it cuts both ways.

Simple answer is to to cut her loose financially AND charge her rent if she lives in your home. If she wants support, she has to agree to conditions.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

Tell her you are taking her for a ride, to a suprise, then drive her to a military recruitment center and tell her to choose.

 

[Planogirl]

I was that way when I was 18 and I moved out. It was good for me to do so but that's not true for every 18 year old of course.

 

[JessicaR]

Tell her she is right she can do as she pleases when she moves out and supports herself. I'm thinking there must be some areas that she needs you, cell phone, car, car insurance, food, roof over her head, maybe even clothing. Is she ready to say good-bye to all of that?

Only state the above if you are prepared to take it all away. If you say it and don't do it you'll really be miserable.

At 18 I was the same way. At 18 I had it all taken away and told to move out. They followed through too. Life lesson learned.

I recently read this and thought, how true!

Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to the wall.

 

[bicker]

At age 18, they become tenants. Treat 'em as such.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Anyone else have an 18 year old who thinks they can do as they please? I don't know what to do with her anymore, I say black she says white! She thinks she can just ignore our rules, any suggestions?

I don't have a teenager yet (though my 8-year-old sometimes thinks so!) but it may help if you can get her to understand that:

yes, she's 18 and CAN choose be an adult if she wants - pay rent, pay for her own everything, and yes, ignore your rules,

OR, she has the wonderful option here of staying a child a little bit longer (especially if she's still in school!!!) - in order to live quite well with you simply by agreeing to a few things you feel are important.

Then separate what really IS important (to EACH of you) from what has just become part of the battle.

Good luck!!

 

[Uuaww]

Sit her down and talk to her about it. Tell her she is an adult now and if she chooses one path, she can have it. OR she can go the other way. If she is going to college in the fall, tell her that she will be on her own in a few months and just stick it out til then.

Oh and update this thread.

 

[barkley]

our's are'nt 18 yet but with one turning 15 we've talked to her about it already and it's basicly OUR HOUSE, OUR RULES. it would apply if the household member were 8, 18 or 80. we don't choose to have "tenants" in our home though if one of our family members is an adult they are expected to contribute financialy. the exception would be (as they are witnessing with dear old dad currently) if they are in an educational program (college or as will be in both the kid's cases when they turn 18 still finishing highschool) with an established goal (sorry-no "professional students" that keep major hopping until their mid 30's). if an adult were unemployed due to no fault of their own (health, disability, the current job market-though dh and i both believe that just because a job is'nt available in one's desired line of work that does'nt excuse them from making an effort to find employment such to provide income for their needs) that's a different matter.

we are hopefull that we can offer our children the same opportunity afforded me when i became an adult-lodging, meals, items of personal need (hygene, laundry products...), auto and health insurance-as well as some financial assistance should they choose to attend college. if they choose not to attend college they will be expected to secure employment and contribute at a set rate (fair market value) to the household. in either case the house rules stand and if they don't choose to follow them they can secure and pay for their own house and set their own rules (and dd is already at nearly age 15 aware of the impact of losing her legal dependant/student status as far as our health insurance goes-a MAJOR factor for her given a pre-existing medical condition that could create for her a tremendous financial hardship were she even able to find insurance outside an employer based group plan).

i'll share one thing that was edifying for our dd (did'nt set out to teach her this it just happened)-we sold our prior home and moved into a rental home before we purchased our current. dd happened to see the rental agreement and asked if she could look at it. she read through the pages and pages and was floored that "someone who a person is paying THAT MUCH MONEY to could have so many rules they THINK the renter will follow". dh and i quickly corrected her saying "no, the landlord does'nt 'THINK' the renter will follow the rules-they KNOW and EXPECT no less than that they will be followed-the renter is an adult, an adult entering into a binding contract where they are signing their name at the bottom to a statement that says not only have they read the rules but they aknowledge that they understand, accept and WILL follow the rules-and failing to do can result in eviction, monetary damages and in some cases criminal prosecution". dd was rather speechless-we ended the conversation with "being an adult is much more than just having spent 18 years on this planet-and you would be better off learning now that you have a WHOLE LOT MORE to learn about being an adult before it's thrust upon you just by virtue of a calendar date rolling around".

 

[JoanGirardi]

Yeah, I have one of these at home too, but as he is about to turn 19 I can tell you that it's gotten much better. We had to feel our way. I wasn't prepared to boot him out and he knew it, so we had to figure out what would work for all of us. I decided that I could let some things go, like curfew, as long as he did me the courtesy of letting me know at least some of his plans. He found out that it wasn't the end of the world to let me know where he was, and that I'd bug him a lot less if I wasn't worried. He's acting a little more like the adult I hope he'll be, and I'm trying my best to treat him that way. It'll get better with you and your daughter. Hang in there.

 

[Nancyg56]

Our philosophy mirrored Barkley's. Our house, our rules. We expected a contribution from the kids but they certainly were not tenants. My own followed the rules, there were not many. My DH took his nephew in before we were married and he only had one rule beside taking turns cleaning the bathroom and paying for laundry detergent. No women brought in the house. Well nephew could not follow the two little ones but those were not enough to toss him out. Waking up to the "Late Night Show" on night was the hill he died on. He did not say anything that night but nephew woke up to a note on the table asking for the key. Nephew tried to convince him that he was an adult and could do whatever he wanted and was told he could do so in his own home.

 

[Disney Doll]

You know, when I read some of the posts about kids, it makes me think that God that knew what He was doing when I didn't have kids.

When my sister-in-law's kids got a little cheeky when they turned 18, she gave them an itemized list of what it would cost them to live as an "adult". That shut them up.

Mind you, she didn't try to run their lives....she was certainly well aware that they were getting older, and more independent etc. She picke d a few "hills to die on" as far as rules were concerned, and that was it.

Basically, if they were going to be home very late or not at all they had to let her know. There would be no freeloading. They would either be going to college and having a summer/school break job or they would not be going to college in which case they would be working a 40 hour work week and contributing to the household. They gave her some $$ toward car insurance (a nominal amount which she has saved for them). They gave her some $$ toward the family cell phone plan. They had to keep the "public" areas of the house neat...no coming in and dropping their crap in the middle of the lving room. Obviously they had to be respectful.

It worked out pretty well. They're all in their 20's now and no one killed each other and they all get along. The 2 older ones are on their own and the youngest is going to be married in December.

 

[georgina]

I think calm, respectful negotiations work better than confrontation, at least with my kids. They have worked since they were 16 and made their own spending money, and at 18 we talked about the rules and allowed more freedom. We never threatened to cut them loose financially or send them to the military! Once they are back from college in the summer it is very difficult because they are used to no parental oversight. It is hard to see them as adults when they have been your children for so long.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My 18yodd is pretty respectful although she does have the out of state BF which makes things a little dicey at times.

She did give us the "but I am 18 and I will do what I want" line once. We said you are welcome to move out. Of course she wants to go to TX where the BF is.

We offered to buy her a plane ticket, she can pack a couple of suitcases and then she can make it on her own with her BF. He of course is not self sufficient so she thought otherwise.

Her cousin left home with the clothes on his back 5yrs ago and went to NYC. He is doing very well today.

It is not a good threat to make in this house. I see nothing wrong with moving out and finding yourself if that is what you need to do.

We have always talked and gave our kids independence so that is not one of our issues.

 

[crz4mm2]

Neither one of our kids ever said that. They both knew "my house, my rules".
DS did stretch things a bit though

 

[sbell111]

I certainly believe in 'our house, our rules', but I think that when children turn 18 that you have to modify those rules a bit so they feel that their newfound adulthood is being respected.

 

[crz4mm2]

I certainly believe in 'our house, our rules', but I think that when children turn 18 that you have to modify those rules a bit so they feel that their newfound adulthood is being respected.

Of course. There ARE still rules though. Regardless of your age, there are rules.