BUMMED FOR DSS(and kinda mad)

[livie1205]

We have a family (extended family also) cruise booked for april, when we booked we(dh,dss ,ex wife and myself) sat down and agreed that since dss (15) will miss 5 days of school that by the time we paid in full for trip his grades MUST be A,B and Cs which we did not think was even a issue because he norm gets good grades.It is also a week that he would have been with his mom and since other people were also involved with trip we did not have total say so on dates.WELL he has been goofing off at school and "just not wanting to do his work"!! he ended up getting TWO Ds in major classes! He got them for just NOT doing the work.The math teacher even told him if he turned in ONE certain paper that was in his binder he would get a C instead of a D....
Needless to say dh is livid!This is not a case of just having trouble with the work he just wanted to talk to his buddies....chances are he is not going.This was we ALL agreed to and he pretty much blew it.we are STILL finding undone work.This is NOT a troubled kid,he has a pretty darn good life and just figured we would not follow through with our word.We have 3 kids, DSS,DS15(mine) and DD6 (ours) my DS is not going either,he had other things already planned and didnt care much about it.I am not happy that we now have to be the bad guys,this was always the deal and it was a deal made with his mother also.I just needed to vent!!! I am really upset that we are now in this position...he said he is just tired of the homework and would rather goof off.. we have two weeks to remove him so it will be a long two weeks....

 

[Princess Sleepy]

That's a bummer. It's always hard having to follow through on something like that, especially when you thought it would be a non-issue. I applaud you for sticking to your guns though. It will be a valuable lesson for him, even though it will be hard for you and your DH. I hope you can still enjoy your trip without him.

 

[FabFivePA]

That's a bummer. It's always hard having to follow through on something like that, especially when you thought it would be a non-issue. I applaud you for sticking to your guns though. It will be a valuable lesson for him, even though it will be hard for you and your DH. I hope you can still enjoy your trip without him.

Ditto! It really is a tough situation.

This is far fetched and probably not the case, but any chance he didn't want to go on the cruise?? For him to never have a problem before and now there are issues when this stipulation was placed on the trip.. anything going on he'd rather stay home for that he saw grades as an out for not having to go on the cruise?

 

[rosermama]

I am sorry to hear about your issue!!!

We had the same problem with our DD 13 she just stopped putting an effort into school (I think this is a normal teenage rebellion) I tried everything to get her to do her work and care about it and tell her what lies in store for her if she doesn't (flipping burgers etc) but all those threats didn't work.

In the end, what worked (maybe because she wanted attention or who knows what with these kids) was contacting her teachers (hopefully the grading period hasn't ended) and asking them when were her next tests and quizzes, what homework was she missing and could make up, was there anything she could do for extra credit and what was going on with her in class.

Then for each quiz and test I sat with her every night and drilled her over and over and over, she got no tv for a month unless I thought she was working hard and deserved a little break. She did homework all weekend and although her grades this quarter aren't the best, each of her teachers have said they see a marked improvement in her attitude towards school and she has the top grade in science and the 2 classes she struggles in the most English (she is an ESOL student who is in regular English) and Math she has a C in each

She now knows that when she is overwhelmed with school or needs that extra push she can come to me anytime and I will make time for her to help her out, she says this is the most comforting thing

She is also my step-daughter, so I know the feeling of being the other parent

 

[livie1205]

I have talked to teachers and everything all week and I STILL found undone work AGAIN! I think it IS a teen thing...he DID want to go so he is not happy with it either but if all of us dont stick by it we could have no weight next time We DO want him to go so I am very unhappy..I booked the cruise because HE said he wanted to go and it took us 2 months to get his mom to agree since we THOUGHT we had to get a paper signed (turns out we dont) so we really went all out.He just blew it!

 

[twindaddy]

INMHO, if the deal was he gets C's or better and he does not go, he should not go, or your word will never mean anything again. Like PP's have said, maybe he did not want to go in the first place, and thinks he can stay home and have a party? Make sure there is someone responsible to stay with him....but you have to stick to your word!

 

[ALSBC91]

Kudos to you for setting standards and sticking to them! I know this is hard and you are ready to wring his scrawny neck for goofing off! Trust me, been there...

He knew what he needed to do and he made the decision not to do the work. At his age, those were deliberate choices, not an 8 yr old "forgetting".

I hate that he is going to miss out, but thank you for following through with the agreed upon deal.

 

[PizzieDuster]

Welcome to this dang new electronic age! Facebook, myspace, IPADs, XBOX live, texting, you tube, I tunes..... It's a struggle I know first hand.

I once took my son's key board away from Sunday through Thursday. He found a way to use his mouse to bring up a keyboard. Take mouse & keyboard That was 5 years ago!

The only thing that has worked for us is take all pleasure stuff away during the week, controls, games. They do homework at the dining room (formal) table where I can see them while making dinner. Cell phones in the kitchen, etc. My sons got so used to it I think they liked it. For the several years they were in high school together, I think that's when they liked coming home, bonding, both played football and they were there, doing homework at 9pm! Then my younger daughter knew what was coming. Come home, throw the back pack on the table, get a snack, give me the phone.

I have a marked up formal dining room table, a broken chair from one son who liked to hang with 2 of the four legs on the ground, something spilled on the carpet, lots of rubber bands on the chandelier and a whole bunch of school supplies in my curio. I do miss their laughter and listening in on their conversations.

It's when the girlfriends come in that the problems really start! That's another topic on it's own

I'd take him. Family time. He wants to stay home. He wants the freedom. Of course. But if you don't take him, he will now know what to do to get what he wants. Good luck and have a great trip!

 

[patsal]

Take it from someone who caved back when DS was 13, don't do it or you will regret it. Although he does not say "fries with that?" he is darn close to that. I will always regret not making him stay with his grandparents while we went on vacation without him.

 

[njdisneylovr]

We are having the same issues with DS14, last mp he made honor roll, this time around I have received several calls from several teachers basically saying that he is just giving up, not turning in projects, homework, etc. we keep threatening him to take away the cruise, and I hope it worked, he seems to be getting back on track. He wants to play play play ( not even with electronics, just friends outside). Uggggh, the teenager years are worse than the toddler years! Good luck!

 

[mellers]

I absolutely agree with everyone on the board! My daughter would not be allowed to go under those circumstances either--however, I know how hard it is to go through with it.

I would also take away the computer for everything but schoolwork, and make him use it in the living room. DD HATES it when I do that, and whenever we've had slacking, she's corrected it right quick to get her computer back!

 

[kcashner]

It is a pain, but you have GOT to stick to your agreement. If you don't follow thru, he'll never believe anything you say again. And a kid who is getting Ds shouldn't be missing days for vacation--you were right at the beginning!

 

[livie1205]

hate to say this is NOT a case where he wants to stay home he really does want to go...he simply did not think we meant buisness he would not be home alone he would be with his bio mom.We also made the deal with her and as much as I dislike the women (dont make that known) it was ME that had to agree with her on this.trust me this is NOT a case of evil stepmom not wanting to take him..I am the one that planned the cruise because HE said he wanted to go on one BUT I do agree if we do not keep our word high school will not be easy next year!I have spoken with the teachers until I am blue in the face for 2 yrs (they call ME) about them letting him turn in work weeks late...I said that he was going to start thinking he didnt have to do it at all and they didnt stop and now he thinks he can do it whenever he wants....we have tried lots of things no ipod,computer, tv ect ect just doesnt take it to heart.

 

[ldo]

It is so hard to see kids who are underachieving for not apparent reason. I agree with all----you set the ground rules---pretty bottom lines ones---and he did not meet them. This is not a case of being sick or really struggling in a class.
We are learning that there is only so much you can do to "make" them do their work. And, at the HS level, if they don't "want it," parental pushing is pretty meaningless. We are having this issue right now with midterms this week. We have explained the consequences of not doing work, not studying, etc. and at 15, I do not think mine totally "gets it" yet. But, my friend's kid at 12th grade "got it" when her friends got into college and she did not.
Thus, I would firmly state that you are very sad that he won't be going, hope the consequence has an effect for future work, and try to enjoy your trip.

 

[disney1990]

We have a family (extended family also) cruise booked for april, when we booked we(dh,dss ,ex wife and myself) sat down and agreed that since dss (15) will miss 5 days of school that by the time we paid in full for trip his grades MUST be A,B and Cs which we did not think was even a issue because he norm gets good grades.It is also a week that he would have been with his mom and since other people were also involved with trip we did not have total say so on dates.WELL he has been goofing off at school and "just not wanting to do his work"!! he ended up getting TWO Ds in major classes! He got them for just NOT doing the work.The math teacher even told him if he turned in ONE certain paper that was in his binder he would get a C instead of a D....
Needless to say dh is livid!This is not a case of just having trouble with the work he just wanted to talk to his buddies....chances are he is not going.This was we ALL agreed to and he pretty much blew it.we are STILL finding undone work.This is NOT a troubled kid,he has a pretty darn good life and just figured we would not follow through with our word.We have 3 kids, DSS,DS15(mine) and DD6 (ours) my DS is not going either,he had other things already planned and didnt care much about it.I am not happy that we now have to be the bad guys,this was always the deal and it was a deal made with his mother also.I just needed to vent!!! I am really upset that we are now in this position...he said he is just tired of the homework and would rather goof off.. we have two weeks to remove him so it will be a long two weeks....

No, does not have to be a long 2 weeks. If you are going to stick with what you said, then call immediately and remove your DSS from the cruise. Then the decision is made and done. If this upsets you so much, be very careful next time you make an agreement like this.

 

[DAPford]

We had same exact situation in 2001 the first time we went to the world and yes we left our 2 boys home because we planned the trip in nov 2000 to go in nov 2001 and first marking period of the school year they just did not do the work so they stayed home all the disney money they had collected from gifts we swapped out to cash for them ( family had given them money for Christmas birthday and Easter ) they were 16 and 15 and lived with their mom fulltime saw us on weekends but we were not going to let them miss school when they were not doing their work just because our DD was 6 at the time and we have since gone in 08 when she was 13 and this year at 16 but they did not come then either and I dont really think they care even now we did take dd out of school for 4 days both time but she has always made up her work and is an honor roll student so we dont worry about her missing to much one thing the boys say is they always knew we mean what we say even if they dont like it

 

[cyclenut]

We had a similar situation with our DS (now 20). He just didn't want to do the work. For him it was a power struggle thing. He did not like some of his teachers and didn't want to do what they asked because he thought they were being unreasonable. We ended up bringing in the school district, the principal and some of his teachers ... sat him down ... wrote up a contract and he turned it around.

Later he told us that he didn't really think that HS was all that important and when he saw all those adults around the table trying to help him, he realized that this wasn't all fun and games anymore.

Glad you are sharing/venting here. It is a tough thing for a parent to have to do and you'll need support from other adults. Hopefully we'll all be here to support you.

I do have one question for you. It seems you are working with him and his teachers to help get his grades up before the cancel deadline. What happens if you do that and then they fall back down again? Are you prepared to lose money on the spot if his grades drop? Now that you know there could be a problem here when you didn't think there could be one, you may need to think of an alternative if the grades do come back up and you keep him on the booking.

Kids are super smart generally. They hear everything and draw their own conclusions to try and manipulate the situation. All three adults involved have to be on the same page here and not undermine each other.

The real issue isn't the cruise ... although it might feel like it ... it is his change in attitude about school.

 

[dawne98]

that is way I don't make deals with my DD's when it cames to our vacations, I never say " you can only go if you are good in school", they get to go b/c it's a family vacation and I know I don't want them out of it. NOW I do other things if they are NOT doing good in school like my DD in JR high has two more hours of school a day to get her work done b/c she had d/c now she is getting a's/b's and wants to still stay after school so she can get her homework done at school and not have it at home to do.

 

[Princess Sleepy]

that is way I don't make deals with my DD's when it cames to our vacations, I never say " you can only go if you are good in school", they get to go b/c it's a family vacation and I know I don't want them out of it. NOW I do other things if they are NOT doing good in school like my DD in JR high has two more hours of school a day to get her work done b/c she had d/c now she is getting a's/b's and wants to still stay after school so she can get her homework done at school and not have it at home to do.

I think the OP tied the trip to grades because her DSS would miss school for the trip and wanted to make sure he would not have problems with that.

 

[AquaDame]

I have to be honest... I'm not a parent at all but I still think I can weigh in since I'm still (fairly) young. Kids are smart, damn smart. Since he never had a problem before I can't help but think he is trying this out to see what happens. If you take him on the cruise, then he will "learn" that consequences aren't well defined and that he can push back, the question is just how much at that point. How many tears before you cave? How much work does it take to get a C? How much can be left until the last minute? Will X employer really mind if he keeps calling in sick? You can't have floating deadlines in college; this could be a VERY dangerous admission that he does NOT have to do what he is told to do for compensation. If he is going to make it he will have to excel and not give up even on things that are boring and meaningless. I am glad a hearty work ethic was distilled in me even though it was often unpleasant because I really like how and where I ended up. Part of that was tough love on my parents part. You can cave some other time when the stakes aren't so high! I'm sorry that the trip will be less pleasant now though, that is awful!