Budget Buster-- Visiting the ILs!

[ekatiel]

We're supposed to head up to a cabin in Minnesota this summer to see my in-laws. We're renting the cabin right next to the one they rent each summer (ours would be $500). Well, we looked at plane tickets last night, and the CHEAPEST I can find to anywhere near the area, and by anywhere near, I mean within a 5 hour drive, are almost $400 a piece. With taxes, it's gonna cost our family of four nearly $1700 to fly there ! These are flights to Minneapolis, which is about a 4 hour drive from the cabin, so we'll have to rent a car, too-- add on another $200-$300!!! And, depending on the departing flight time, we may have to get a hotel in Minneapolis for one night before we return-- another $100ish.

We've got the money, but it KILLS me to spend it on a pseudo-vacation with my ILs. I could go on a cruise with that kind of money-- heck-- that's almost enough to go back to Dinsey! We called them last night and told them about the high flight prices and told them we would be more than willing to fly to see them (they live in Wisconsin, but we can fly into Chicago for about $250 a person right now), or EVEN better option-- we could buy them plane tickets to come down and see us (HELLO-- there's jsut TWO of them, so that's WAY cheaper). They said they'd "talk" about it and call us back today.

Here's the thing. DH and I both know that they're gonna offer to pay for the cabin cost to help defray the high price of the flight. Well, that'd be OK, if they ever actually paid for anything when they said they would. Unfortunately, they have a poor track record of saying they'll pay for something and then not doing it. SO, how do we tactfully decline their offer to "pay" for the cabin, and get them to choose one of the other two options we gave them? --Katie

 

[Darcy03231]

Since you need a car anyway, can you drive it? It may not be optimal, but even if you had to take two days to get there and two to get home it would definitely be less expensive than flying and renting a car.

 

[ekatiel]

Since you need a car anyway, can you drive it? It may not be optimal, but even if you had to take two days to get there and two to get home it would definitely be less expensive than flying and renting a car.

Therein lies another in-law based problem. By June, DH will only have 49 hours of time off. He is currently in the hole with his PTO b/c the in-laws wait until the last minute to tell us which dates they'll be visiting family friends in Tulsa right after Christmas (we head there every year at the same time). Anyhow, DH had to take the whole week after Christmas off (in addition the the time he took off for our Disney Vacation before Christmas) for a four day trip up to Tulsa, since the ILs would only tell us they'd be there "the week after Christmas". Can you tell I'm a bit bitter? Anyhow, he'll only have a week of PTO by June, so driving's pretty much out. According to Mapquest, it's a 24 hour, 5 minute drive one way!!! You couldn't pay me enough to make that drive in two days with a 4 and 6 year old!!! --Katie

 

[Claire&TheBoys]

Could you tell them that your husband used all his vacation time in December and needs to build it back up and can't take a whole week off in the summer? I mean, I'd hate to spend all that money on plane fare and then if he gets the flu next month and has to take 2-3 days off to recover and doesn't have the days off for vacation. Tell them it would really help you out if they could come see you this time so your husband can work a couple of the days they're there and not use so much of his PTO.

 

[hffmnheidi]

Maybe have them come and stay over a long weekend if that would help with the PTO...they could come in on a Thursday, your husband takes Friday and Monday off...leaving you with four full days with your in laws...if he doesn't work weekends. They could depart on Tuesday since it's cheaper to fly during the week anyways, in our experience.

Otherwise, lay it out for them that your husband doesn't have the time to take off and the flight prices for your family are outrageous. That puts the ball in their court as to what they want to do...maybe fill them in on the fun things to do in your area as an incentive for them to come to you.

 

[ekatiel]

Could you tell them that your husband used all his vacation time in December and needs to build it back up and can't take a whole week off in the summer? I mean, I'd hate to spend all that money on plane fare and then if he gets the flu next month and has to take 2-3 days off to recover and doesn't have the days off for vacation. Tell them it would really help you out if they could come see you this time so your husband can work a couple of the days they're there and not use so much of his PTO.

That's a good point about the time-off, that frankly, I hadn't even considered. We had talked about how I would need to stay home with the kids this semester if either of them got sick (I work part time and my schedule is more flexible this semester than it was last semester, so it wouldn't be a problem), but we never even considered DH getting sick. He rarely gets sick, but that would be a total bummer if it happens. It seems like there are a lot of yellow lights concerning this trip. No outright red lights, but all the yellows are concerning me. It's hard for me to be objective b/c I'd rather not go on this trip anyways, but honestly, the time off thing is a major concern. Thanks for bringing that up.

 

[Darcy03231]

Therein lies another in-law based problem. By June, DH will only have 49 hours of time off. He is currently in the hole with his PTO b/c the in-laws wait until the last minute to tell us which dates they'll be visiting family friends in Tulsa right after Christmas (we head there every year at the same time). Anyhow, DH had to take the whole week after Christmas off (in addition the the time he took off for our Disney Vacation before Christmas) for a four day trip up to Tulsa, since the ILs would only tell us they'd be there "the week after Christmas". Can you tell I'm a bit bitter? Anyhow, he'll only have a week of PTO by June, so driving's pretty much out. According to Mapquest, it's a 24 hour, 5 minute drive one way!!! You couldn't pay me enough to make that drive in two days with a 4 and 6 year old!!! --Katie

In that case then: "Thank you for thinking of us. Unfortunately due to DH's PTO and other financial considerations I'm sorry we won't be able to join you. Have a great vacation and we'll look forward to your visit at a later date." and repeat as necessary.

 

[cpamperin]

I was reading the little thing that pops up with the first few lines of your post and I thought - This sounds like ekatiel and her family. Wow! Then I read the name and it was you.

I say don't go, but that's what I always say. You know you'll be grumpy the whole time anyways! Tell them DH doesn't have the vacation time and they will need to come to you.

Then you can come on an adults only trip to Disney with US in the fall to the Food and Wine Festival!!! How about that?
Claudia

 

[Marionnette]

We're supposed to head up to a cabin in Minnesota this summer to see my in-laws. We're renting the cabin right next to the one they rent each summer (ours would be $500). Well, we looked at plane tickets last night, and the CHEAPEST I can find to anywhere near the area, and by anywhere near, I mean within a 5 hour drive, are almost $400 a piece. With taxes, it's gonna cost our family of four nearly $1700 to fly there ! These are flights to Minneapolis, which is about a 4 hour drive from the cabin, so we'll have to rent a car, too-- add on another $200-$300!!! And, depending on the departing flight time, we may have to get a hotel in Minneapolis for one night before we return-- another $100ish.

We've got the money, but it KILLS me to spend it on a pseudo-vacation with my ILs. I could go on a cruise with that kind of money-- heck-- that's almost enough to go back to Dinsey! We called them last night and told them about the high flight prices and told them we would be more than willing to fly to see them (they live in Wisconsin, but we can fly into Chicago for about $250 a person right now), or EVEN better option-- we could buy them plane tickets to come down and see us (HELLO-- there's jsut TWO of them, so that's WAY cheaper). They said they'd "talk" about it and call us back today.

Here's the thing. DH and I both know that they're gonna offer to pay for the cabin cost to help defray the high price of the flight. Well, that'd be OK, if they ever actually paid for anything when they said they would. Unfortunately, they have a poor track record of saying they'll pay for something and then not doing it. SO, how do we tactfully decline their offer to "pay" for the cabin, and get them to choose one of the other two options we gave them? --Katie

Therein lies another in-law based problem. By June, DH will only have 49 hours of time off. He is currently in the hole with his PTO b/c the in-laws wait until the last minute to tell us which dates they'll be visiting family friends in Tulsa right after Christmas (we head there every year at the same time). Anyhow, DH had to take the whole week after Christmas off (in addition the the time he took off for our Disney Vacation before Christmas) for a four day trip up to Tulsa, since the ILs would only tell us they'd be there "the week after Christmas". Can you tell I'm a bit bitter? Anyhow, he'll only have a week of PTO by June, so driving's pretty much out. According to Mapquest, it's a 24 hour, 5 minute drive one way!!! You couldn't pay me enough to make that drive in two days with a 4 and 6 year old!!! --Katie

That's a good point about the time-off, that frankly, I hadn't even considered. We had talked about how I would need to stay home with the kids this semester if either of them got sick (I work part time and my schedule is more flexible this semester than it was last semester, so it wouldn't be a problem), but we never even considered DH getting sick. He rarely gets sick, but that would be a total bummer if it happens. It seems like there are a lot of yellow lights concerning this trip. No outright red lights, but all the yellows are concerning me. It's hard for me to be objective b/c I'd rather not go on this trip anyways, but honestly, the time off thing is a major concern. Thanks for bringing that up.

Something tells me that you just dont want to spend the time with your in laws and you are looking for excuses not to go. You say its not about the money but then you say that you think they may offer to pay for the cabin rental but not actually follow thru. Then you dismiss the thought of driving there to save the airfare and car rental costs because its too far.

You add to your argument that there is a limited amount of paid vacation time that your husband has so you cant add a day to each end of the trip for travel time. I guess it never occurred to anyone that you could arrive a day late for your rental and leave a day early? Never mind since they couldnt pay you enough to drive that distance anyway.

Anyone can look for yellow flags that tell them not to do something they dont want to do. I could probably list an equal number of reasons why you should suck it up and go. But its not my family. It is your husband's. If he agrees with your reasoning then let him tell his parents that you will not be joining them this summer. He can be the one to offer up the excuses.

 

[ekatiel]

I was reading the little thing that pops up with the first few lines of your post and I thought - This sounds like ekatiel and her family. Wow! Then I read the name and it was you.

I say don't go, but that's what I always say. You know you'll be grumpy the whole time anyways! Tell them DH doesn't have the vacation time and they will need to come to you.

Then you can come on an adults only trip to Disney with US in the fall to the Food and Wine Festival!!! How about that?
Claudia

Hey Claudia! Yep, it's the same old in-law troubles for us!! Pretty pitiful that you could spot us from the title of my post!!

Something tells me that you just dont want to spend the time with your in laws and you are looking for excuses not to go. You say its not about the money but then you say that you think they may offer to pay for the cabin rental but not actually follow thru. Then you dismiss the thought of driving there to save the airfare and car rental costs because its too far.

You add to your argument that there is a limited amount of paid vacation time that your husband has so you cant add a day to each end of the trip for travel time. I guess it never occurred to anyone that you could arrive a day late for your rental and leave a day early? Never mind since they couldnt pay you enough to drive that distance anyway.

Anyone can look for yellow flags that tell them not to do something they dont want to do. I could probably list an equal number of reasons why you should suck it up and go. But its not my family. It is your husband's. If he agrees with your reasoning then let him tell his parents that you will not be joining them this summer. He can be the one to offer up the excuses.

You're exactly right. I don't want to go. I am offering up excuses. The bottom line is we feel like we need to see them this summer, but this trip seems to not be the best way to do that.

 

[Marionnette]

Hey Claudia! Yep, it's the same old in-law troubles for us!! Pretty pitiful that you could spot us from the title of my post!!



You're exactly right. I don't want to go. I am offering up excuses. The bottom line is we feel like we need to see them this summer, but this trip seems to not be the best way to do that.

Does your husband want to go or does he have similar feelings of obligation? Either way, I think that since it's his parents then he should handle telling them that it's just not going to work for you this year. He can offer up another option for them to see your family on easier terms for you. Then they can decide whether they want to make the effort or counter with another idea.

 

[britfish]

We had a similiar in law expense last Feb.. We spent way to much on plane tix to visit them and it was a budget buster that took us about 6 months to recover from. Don't get me wrong, we could afford it, however it took money away from our budget that could have been used much more wisely. It put a big shadow on the trip too. DH said never again will we spend that much money for a visit. I mean its different if it were a wedding or something that you couldn't move the dates, but when its a vacation there should be some flexibility.
Take it from me, don't bust the budget for the plane tix, we did and it hurt for quite awhile.

 

[bellarella]

Just be upfront with them -- you want to see them this summer, but a trip to the cabin will not work. Then offer several other ways of seeing them that will work. At that point the ball is in their court -- they get to decide if seeing you or going to the cabin is more important.

 

[snowywhite89]

We're supposed to head up to a cabin in Minnesota this summer to see my in-laws. We're renting the cabin right next to the one they rent each summer (ours would be $500). Well, we looked at plane tickets last night, and the CHEAPEST I can find to anywhere near the area, and by anywhere near, I mean within a 5 hour drive, are almost $400 a piece. With taxes, it's gonna cost our family of four nearly $1700 to fly there ! These are flights to Minneapolis, which is about a 4 hour drive from the cabin, so we'll have to rent a car, too-- add on another $200-$300!!! And, depending on the departing flight time, we may have to get a hotel in Minneapolis for one night before we return-- another $100ish.

We've got the money, but it KILLS me to spend it on a pseudo-vacation with my ILs. I could go on a cruise with that kind of money-- heck-- that's almost enough to go back to Dinsey! We called them last night and told them about the high flight prices and told them we would be more than willing to fly to see them (they live in Wisconsin, but we can fly into Chicago for about $250 a person right now), or EVEN better option-- we could buy them plane tickets to come down and see us (HELLO-- there's jsut TWO of them, so that's WAY cheaper). They said they'd "talk" about it and call us back today.

Here's the thing. DH and I both know that they're gonna offer to pay for the cabin cost to help defray the high price of the flight. Well, that'd be OK, if they ever actually paid for anything when they said they would. Unfortunately, they have a poor track record of saying they'll pay for something and then not doing it. SO, how do we tactfully decline their offer to "pay" for the cabin, and get them to choose one of the other two options we gave them? --Katie

Why not drive. I see your later post and it is a long drive.

 

[snowywhite89]

Therein lies another in-law based problem. By June, DH will only have 49 hours of time off. He is currently in the hole with his PTO b/c the in-laws wait until the last minute to tell us which dates they'll be visiting family friends in Tulsa right after Christmas (we head there every year at the same time). Anyhow, DH had to take the whole week after Christmas off (in addition the the time he took off for our Disney Vacation before Christmas) for a four day trip up to Tulsa, since the ILs would only tell us they'd be there "the week after Christmas". Can you tell I'm a bit bitter? Anyhow, he'll only have a week of PTO by June, so driving's pretty much out. According to Mapquest, it's a 24 hour, 5 minute drive one way!!! You couldn't pay me enough to make that drive in two days with a 4 and 6 year old!!! --Katie

Why not fly them to your home and then camp there.

 

[Claire&TheBoys]

Minnesota borders Wisconsin. Why not just drive your own car. You have to drive for 4 hours after landing so how many more house could it be from there?

Really!!!! You could drive to CA in that time from Wisconsin. You are only a state away.

The OP says the cabin her in-laws rent is in Minnesota and that her in-laws live in Wisconsin. Nowhere does she say where SHE lives, so we need to trust that she plugged the addresses into Mapquest correctly and that it's a long drive for her family.

Disney is a 6-hr drive for me and I get antsy in that time. I don't want to have to drive more than 8 hours to get anyhere in a car. I completely understand not wanting to spend 4 days of their vacation cooped up in a car.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

Here's the thing. DH and I both know that they're gonna offer to pay for the cabin cost to help defray the high price of the flight. Well, that'd be OK, if they ever actually paid for anything when they said they would. Unfortunately, they have a poor track record of saying they'll pay for something and then not doing it.

They rent both cabins. They will be in their name. They will be the ones dealing with the owners or Real Estate Company. They will handle check-in. Your names will not show up on anything so how do they make you pay?

 

[mjbaby]

One of my parish's former priests once gave me some invaluable advise:


" 'No' is a complete sentence."


As in: never complain, never explain. Don't give in to emotional blackmail. You are not obligated to explain yourself when trying to avoid doing something not in your best interests.

It's pretty clear, OP, that you don't want to go. I wouldn't want to, either. Sounds wretched and I think the term psuedo-vacation sounds about right.

If you and your husband are on the same page about this, just say 'No." It won't work this year, look for you next year/at Christmas/maybe fly-you-out-at-Labor-Day/whatever.

However (you knew it was coming, right?), if he wants to go - for whatever reason - then you should make it happen, regardless of the cost (since money's not an issue) or time inconvenience to you personally. Smile, make it happen, bank up that marital capital and go. You don't have to love it. Indeed, you probably won't. That doesn't mean it's not an important trip to take, if it's something he wants to do. If he does want to, don't add to his roadblocks - help remove them.

 

[OceanAnnie]

That is a lot of money to spend. If you know up front you won't be happy about it, I wouldn't do it. You'll end up resenting it and ultimately the in-laws for accommodating them.

I think offering an alternative visit is fine.

Most families don't have that many opportunities to vacation (school, work obligations). Nor do people have a lot of discretionary money to spend on vacations. For those two reasons alone (without the extended family dynamics) you should make a decision you all (immediate family) will be happy with.

 

[herdtoDisney]

I understand where you're coming from, OP-I've had to deal with somewhat similar issues over the years. I'll tell you what I've ended up doing. I've just had to end up saying, 'sorry, we just can't do the trip to Fl (where my IL's are), but we'd love to see you, would you like to come up xxx-dates?'

Yes, they decline but at least we made the offer and I no longer feel guilty. In our early married years, we made the trek (with our growing family) nearly every year and it just got to be too much! You also have a growing family and a long trek. You and dh have to do what is best for your own family. In our case, our trekking to IL's meant we put off doing vacactions with our kids that we wanted to (like Disney! we're finally going next month) while the Il's, who are perfectly capable of traveling, don't bother to come here. They were invited to DS's graduation, and have not seen our new home (we've lived here 2 years), and to spend Christmas with us, but hey, I extended the invite. (if the IL's were incapacited in some way, I'd feel differently, but in fact they are younger than my parents).

In my family, my DH is glad I took the lead in this situation-it bothers him that they won't come here, and I am the 'buffer'. I've even been the buffer on our disney trip-FIL thought we'd take days out of our trip to go to their place. Um, no. I invited them to spend a day with us at Disney and have dinner. Don't know yet if they will