Bride Excludes Severely Autistic Sister from Wedding

[kerry1379]

This is so very sad. I have a severely disabled son. And while my husband and I do our very best to make sure his needs are met, to teach him as best he is able, to help him be happy, and know that he is loved-we also try our best to make sure our other children do not bear the burden of his care and miss out on life's experiences. They are involved in his care and such have learned a great deal of compassion. And sure, things like hiking or other activities our son simply cannot do are there but then, if needed my husband and I take turns, divide and conquer, wait at the finish line to celebrate to together or whatever else needs to be done to best accomodate all of our family member's needs. I absolutely support the bride in this scenario and am sad that her parents have created such a situation.

 

[Sinder]

I would bet that's not the case either. My parents were wonderful, loving and engaged with me; always provided for me physically and emotionally and gave me a far happier childhood than many have had. BUT - BIG BUT...there was not one single day of my life that my needs or wants were put before those of my brother - never. All my milestone events and yes, even my wedding, were expected to take him into account, sacrificing wherever needed. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't exquisitely painful at times.

They didn't do it to hurt me, they often didn't even realize, and I resigned myself to it from the youngest of ages. Their commitment to his well-being was absolute; they saw it as their primary duty and mission in life and it created huge blind spots. They most certainly though were not "horrible" people. And I'd caution against so harshly judging anybody without having walked a mile...

This was posted (here and on Reddit) for people to read and pass judgment so what am I being cautioned against. I am not talking about your parents so there is no need for you to take it personally unless you are the bride to be.
I stand by my opinion, her parents sound like horrible people. They are trying to manipulate and guilt their one child, and they are completely disregarding her fiance as if he has no say in being physically accosted by their other child because she's disabled. I could say more about them but I'll leave it at that.

 

[ronandannette]

This was posted (here and on Reddit) for people to read and pass judgment so what am I being cautioned against. I am not talking about your parents so there is no need for you to take it personally unless you are the bride to be.
I stand by my opinion, her parents sound like horrible people. They are trying to manipulate and guilt their one child, and they are completely disregarding her fiance as if he has no say in being physically accosted by their other child because she's disabled. I could say more about them but I'll leave it at that.

I know you weren't talking about my parents and I don't take it personally. I was just hoping to offer you a little insight because it's really easy to assign motives to people or assume things are one-dimensional when situations are actually very complex.

 

[Sinder]

I know you weren't talking about my parents and I don't take it personally. I was just hoping to offer you a little insight because it's really easy to assign motives to people or assume things are one-dimensional when situations are actually very complex.

I'm sure it is very complex, there is far more going on in that family than just what's been posted.
I am taking what was said in it though and drawing my judgment from that. Any parent that treats one of their children (and their fiance) that way IMO is horrible.

 

[Babs Johnson]

Groom to be: Run away as fast as you can. There will be issues with the bride’s parents for the entirety of your marriage if you don’t, even if the autistic sister is excluded from the wedding.

 

[RedAngie]

Team Bride. If the sister was never taught or is unable to comprehend appropriate behavior, it would be a very uncomfortable situation for most in attendance.

The parents telling their daughter’s fiancé to “get over it” would have me running for the hills.

 

[RedAngie]

I had a friend in college who said she would never marry or have a family because her parents expected her to care for her sister for the rest of her life. She had just accepted it. It makes me so sad that parents could be so selfish. I lost track of her so I have no idea what happened.

I’m familiar with a similar situation, but it involved a young woman’s mother. The mother of a girl I knew in high school was in a serious car accident and was subsequently confined to a wheelchair. Soon after the mother developed neurological issues as complications of the accident.

My friend was the youngest of five, the rest already in college or married. She pretty much had to limit or eliminate most of her social life and other activities to help her father care for her mother.

Two years later, while she was a freshman at the local community college, her father died of a heart attack. Her siblings just assumed she would drop out and take care of Mom, whose condition had worsened. It was apparently her “duty” to do so. She resigned herself to it and did drop out.

Whenever she wanted a break from taking care of Mom full time, her siblings were often too “busy” to assist. They could only come to the house for a few hours each Sunday to visit. When she dared to ask the siblings to care for Mom for a week so she could go on a vacation, she was called selfish. They had THEIR lives to attend to, your life is Mom’s caretaker.

The mother died a few years afterward, and my friend’s siblings rushed in like vultures to claim practically everything in the house.

I lost touch with her about five years after that, but someone who was closer to her than me told me later that she moved to Florida and has limited contact with her siblings.

 

[mom2rtk]

Having been the much younger, neuro-typical sibling of a profoundly mentally handicapped brother, I would bet that's not the case. I'd wager there have been years and years and years of "sensitivity" to the needs of her sister, and very frequent giving way to her, both out of duty and out of love. That's just the way it is in families with a single, severely disabled member. Under the circumstances described, it's not callous at all for the bride to want one single, special day without those stresses.

I would bet that's not the case either. My parents were wonderful, loving and engaged with me; always provided for me physically and emotionally and gave me a far happier childhood than many have had. BUT - BIG BUT...there was not one single day of my life that my needs or wants were put before those of my brother - never. All my milestone events and yes, even my wedding, were expected to take him into account, sacrificing wherever needed. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't exquisitely painful at times.

They didn't do it to hurt me, they often didn't even realize, and I resigned myself to it from the youngest of ages. Their commitment to his well-being was absolute; they saw it as their primary duty and mission in life and it created huge blind spots. They most certainly though were not "horrible" people. And I'd caution against so harshly judging anybody without having walked a mile...

Some honest insight.

 

[mom2rtk]

I will add that while I'm team bride, I'm not a fan of this story ending up in social media. I fully support the bride insisting on having the day not be about the sister, but I don't support blowing it up in a public way.

 

[Princessclab]

I am team bride too, poor thing.
This is her perception of the situation, which she has grow up with.
Being called selfish by her own parents for wanting her wedding day to be special, is more than likely very hurtful. Good for her for standing up for herself which is a brave move when your parents are opressive to you.

Why was the disabled daughter allowed to act like that; how terribly uncomfortable for the groom too? He must be a very wonderful, patient man.
The onus of all of this is on the parents, did they not ask for professional help with their daughter? There is clear lack of oversite on the disabled daughter and the minimizing of the daughter that is the bride. The disabled daughter's behavior should not supercede the rest of the family members well being.
JMO.

I wish the couple the best.

 

[LovesTimone]

Team Bride...

Having friends that have adult children on the spectrum, seeing how they deal with the family dynamics is so different...

They all said that and feel like the parents would want for the Bride and Groom to have a wonderful day and make the day totally about them...
I know when one of our friends daughter got married, they thought it best to have their daughter on the spectrum attend the ceremony at the church, as their daughter knew and understood at church you have to be quite... They hired one of the helpers at the special adult school she attends to be her plus one for the evening... so after the pictures they had her take her to the hotel room for a break, then they rejoined them for dinner, after dinner then went back to the hotel room for the rest of the evening... the next morning they had a breakfast and everyone was there... This worked for them....

 

[_19disnA]

Posting any difficult/challenging/sensitive family situation on Reddit (or ANY social media site) wouldn't be my choice of approaches to try and resolve this. Likely that will create yet another set of issues for this family. Also imagine you will get 'help' from random strangers that is all over the map regardless of the topic.

 

[ronandannette]

Posting any difficult/challenging/sensitive family situation on Reddit (or ANY social media site) wouldn't be my choice of approaches to try and resolve this. Likely that will create yet another set of issues for this family. Also imagine you will get 'help' from random strangers that is all over the map regardless of the topic.

Welcome to the DIS. I'd imagine it was more of a "just need to vent" post, like many we see here. The idea of resolving it probably wasn't really a thing; more just looking for a little affirmation. From what I know of Reddit though, it's a pretty rough-and-tumble platform.

I will add that while I'm team bride, I'm not a fan of this story ending up in social media. I fully support the bride insisting on having the day not be about the sister, but I don't support blowing it up in a public way.

Agree but then again, we talk about things like that all day long here on the CB. What I can't understand is how on God's good earth the "story" ended up on News Week. What a crazy world we're living in.

 

[Marrila]

Agree but then again, we talk about things like that all day long here on the CB. What I can't understand is how on God's good earth the "story" ended up on News Week. What a crazy world we're living in.

I suppose because it's reflective of societal change. Maybe at the turn of the century into the 80's it might not have been considered overreach to expect a sibling to always accommodate, even with degrees of inappropriate touching and physical boundary issues. And for parents to plan a daughters life out as a long term caregiver first, that's not just accepted anymore either.

And so the daughter must have walked on eggshells for a long time, trying not to alienate but feeling forgotten and irrelevant.
And so...the blowup. It's sad, but I could easily see how it happened.

 

[mom2rtk]

Agree but then again, we talk about things like that all day long here on the CB. What I can't understand is how on God's good earth the "story" ended up on News Week. What a crazy world we're living in.

I get that. I would and have commented on stuff like this. But I would never share a story like that online about my own family. It's definitely a line crossed. You can win the battle and lose the war doing that. Even if all of the internet agrees with you, the rest of your family might never get past you sharing it online.

 

[Sinder]

I personally wouldn't share this kind of stuff online but it airing your family issues in public is nothing new. It's the new version of Dear Abby and instead of just one person giving you advice in a public forum you can get it from many people on a public forum.

 

[ronandannette]

I get that. I would and have commented on stuff like this. But I would never share a story like that online about my own family. It's definitely a line crossed. You can win the battle and lose the war doing that. Even if all of the internet agrees with you, the rest of your family might never get past you sharing it online.

I agree but I must say we've probably seen worse here on the CB. I'm always pretty careful but then again would never expect anybody I know (or might possibly make reference to) to read here. I'm sure the bride we're talking about never, ever, ever, ever, ever thought it would go any farther than the single Reddit post. (James 3:5)

 

[MrsPete]

I've seen this in real life.

The high school where I teach houses the Special Ed students for our county, and I can remember a couple girls over the years (only a couple -- it's not common) who could not be with male staff members -- they would flirt, would literally come up and put their hands on male teachers, would try to kiss them, etc. I've heard a few Special Ed girls say, "Mr. ____ is my boyfriend." They believe this! The girls didn't understand what they were doing /weren't fully capable of understanding the inappropriateness; however, it's an awful position for the male teachers; they aren't inviting or encouraging this attention. The easiest choice for the school is to place only female teachers in those classrooms.

Back to the wedding, I fully understand why the bride would like her wedding to be about her and her groom.
Perhaps everyone could "win" by excluding the sister from the wedding, but having a nice dinner later -- with everyone still dressed up.

 

[Pink Partridge]

These parents are calling their daughter names, hanging up on her, and refusing to go to her wedding.

I stand by my "horrible parents" position.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I've seen this in real life.

The high school where I teach houses the Special Ed students for our county, and I can remember a couple girls over the years (only a couple -- it's not common) who could not be with male staff members -- they would flirt, would literally come up and put their hands on male teachers, would try to kiss them, etc. I've heard a few Special Ed girls say, "Mr. ____ is my boyfriend." They believe this! The girls didn't understand what they were doing /weren't fully capable of understanding the inappropriateness; however, it's an awful position for the male teachers; they aren't inviting or encouraging this attention. The easiest choice for the school is to place only female teachers in those classrooms.

Imagine if this were male students trying to kiss/ touch female teachers all day long?