Bride Excludes Severely Autistic Sister from Wedding

Starport Seven-Five

DIS Veteran
Joined
Aug 16, 2019
The biggest concern to me is that the bride made it all the way to adulthood with her parents still believing it was her job to care for her sister long term and calling it abandoning her to put her with caregivers.

I had a friend in college who said she would never marry or have a family because her parents expected her to care for her sister for the rest of her life. She had just accepted it. It makes me so sad that parents could be so selfish. I lost track of her so I have no idea what happened.
I know someone in a similar situation who has severely limited both his own and his wife's career growth. It's kind of sad but everyone has to make their own choices I guess.

I consider myself blessed to not have to make that decision since my sibling is healthy.

Imagine if this were male students trying to kiss/ touch female teachers all day long?
It would still be inappropriate and they would likely put male teachers in that class?

What are you trying to imply with that question?
 
  • DisneyOma

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 27, 2015
    Neither side is right on this one. They are both wrong. I feel the most bad for the poor sister. She has clearly not gotten the supports she needs over time in order to function appropriately even as a member of her own family. Her behavior isn't appropriate, but rather than make the effort to teach her that, her parents seem to allow her to do whatever she wants. That's not okay. But also, the bride doesn't seem to be sympathetic to the situation either and thinks avoidance is going to fix the problem. It's not.
    Did you read the entire article? She offered multiple solutions. Her parents hung up on her. Hoping the groom has a wonderful family to make up for the bride's dysfunctional one.
     

    PollyannaMom

    I was a click-clack champ!!
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    May 16, 2006
    I'm on the bride's side as well. The siblings of children with special needs so rarely get to come first in day to day life. - On this one day, at least, the bride should get be the center of attention, even if that means her sister spends the day with an alternate caregiver.
     

    fly girl

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jan 20, 2012
    It would still be inappropriate and they would likely put male teachers in that class?

    What are you trying to imply with that question?
    I think the poster was making more of a rhetorical question because we all know it would be squashed immediately.

    And it was said in a prior post, if the sister was a brother would this behavior been acceptable to the parents? It is not acceptable for any sex, but it seems like the parents are giving it a pass because she is a female.
     

    sailorstitch

    DIS Veteran
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    Oct 29, 2010
    Some of you clearly have never read a Reddit story before. Many AITA posts get reposted on to other social media sites and get turned into "news" articles. I'm not on Reddit, but I've become a bit addicted to reading the ones that are reposted on Instagram. This one is tame!

    I'm on the bride's side. I'm envisioning Anna having a meltdown when she isn't allowed to stand next to the groom at the front of the church. And what's Anna going to do when the preacher says, "You may now kiss the bride."? Anna is going to be the one kissing the groom. No bride wants their sister kissing their groom.

    Well... almost no bride. The was that Reddit story of a bride and her identical twin sister switching places on the day of the wedding. The twins thought it would be a funny prank. Groom wasn't happy when he found out he married the wrong twin.
     

    mom2rtk

    Invented the term "Characterpalooza"
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    Aug 23, 2008
    Some of you clearly have never read a Reddit story before. Many AITA posts get reposted on to other social media sites and get turned into "news" articles. I'm not on Reddit, but I've become a bit addicted to reading the ones that are reposted on Instagram. This one is tame!

    I'm on the bride's side. I'm envisioning Anna having a meltdown when she isn't allowed to stand next to the groom at the front of the church. And what's Anna going to do when the preacher says, "You may now kiss the bride."? Anna is going to be the one kissing the groom. No bride wants their sister kissing their groom.

    Well... almost no bride. The was that Reddit story of a bride and her identical twin sister switching places on the day of the wedding. The twins thought it would be a funny prank. Groom wasn't happy when he found out he married the wrong twin.
    I don't care if this is tame for Reddit. Or where it got reposted. The act of posting it on social media in the first place is a line I wouldn't cross. I'm 100% on the bride's side on this, but she loses some of my sympathy by putting it out there to become fodder for the rest of the world.
     
  • Pink Partridge

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    Oct 3, 2016
    What are you trying to imply with that question?
    Sorry for the confusion. Didn't mean to imply anything. I want to say directly that if a teenage boy were to touch and kiss his female teachers, the situation would be taken care of swiftly. Maybe even removed from the school.

    And I bet if a boy was hugging and kissing and harassing a future bride, things would also be rectified in the blink of an eye.

    For some reason, girls get a little more leeway in these situations. It's not right.
     

    Pink Partridge

    DIS Veteran
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    Oct 3, 2016
    I don't care if this is tame for Reddit. Or where it got reposted. The act of posting it on social media in the first place is a line I wouldn't cross. I'm 100% on the bride's side on this, but she loses some of my sympathy by putting it out there to become fodder for the rest of the world.
    If it is even real (I tend to think some of these stories are made up for shock value), I do have some sympathy for her. She was reaching out for reassurance and support. Her family doesn't deserve her respect or privacy.
     
  • RedAngie

    Cole Slaw Cougar
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    Sep 10, 2015
    I don’t have a problem with the bride posting the story, even if fabricated. Most certainly names have been changed and no identifying information was published. I suppose some close family members would recognize the situation but the general public won’t.
     

    mousefan73

    Germans are faster at dubbing
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    May 9, 2012
    Neither side is right on this one. They are both wrong. I feel the most bad for the poor sister. She has clearly not gotten the supports she needs over time in order to function appropriately even as a member of her own family. Her behavior isn't appropriate, but rather than make the effort to teach her that, her parents seem to allow her to do whatever she wants. That's not okay. But also, the bride doesn't seem to be sympathetic to the situation either and thinks avoidance is going to fix the problem. It's not.
    I am not an autistic expert, but I think the issue is due to the sister's mental capabilities she cannot be " taught" appropiate behavior. I am sure there is autism theraphy that helps in this, but its not like you are doing with a normal person asking them to change their behavior. I am with the Bride on this. It's HER day in the end and it seems like her sister will severly impact her day, not just for her but for the guests, husband too.
     

    mom2rtk

    Invented the term "Characterpalooza"
    Joined
    Aug 23, 2008
    If it is even real (I tend to think some of these stories are made up for shock value), I do have some sympathy for her. She was reaching out for reassurance and support. Her family doesn't deserve her respect or privacy.
    We'll have to agree to disagree on that. Reach out to people you actually know for reassurance and support, people who know the situation. Friends. No need to post it online for support from random strangers.
     

    ronandannette

    I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!
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    May 4, 2006
    I am not an autistic expert, but I think the issue is due to the sister's mental capabilities she cannot be " taught" appropiate behavior. I am sure there is autism theraphy that helps in this, but its not like you are doing with a normal person asking them to change their behavior. I am with the Bride on this. It's HER day in the end and it seems like her sister will severly impact her day, not just for her but for the guests, husband too.
    :scratchin I was thinking something along these lines too. Not all cognitively disabled persons have the same abilities. Some are extremely limited in certain areas no matter how diligently and lovingly they have been taught/trained and parented.

    It seems like some here just don't grasp that. Many have never known such an individual IRL and are apparently influenced by tv and movies portraying people with cognitive/neurological deficits as being intellectual savants who are all quirky but utterly charming. While this recognition has blessedly served to humanize a whole segment of people who historically were devalued, shunned or maybe even feared, that portrayal does not in any way tell the full story. Not at all.
     

    Sinder

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    Aug 24, 2021
    :scratchin I was thinking something along these lines too. Not all cognitively disabled persons have the same abilities. Some are extremely limited in certain areas no matter how diligently and lovingly they have been taught/trained and parented.

    It seems like some here just don't grasp that. Many have never known such an individual IRL and are apparently influenced by tv and movies portraying people with cognitive/neurological deficits as being intellectual savants who are all quirky but utterly charming. While this recognition has blessedly served to humanize a whole segment of people who historically were devalued, shunned or maybe even feared, that portrayal does not in any way tell the full story. Not at all.
    It doesn't really matter if she can't be taught, bottom line her behavior is inappropriate and her sister doesn't want her at the wedding. Her parents don't care, they think she's selfish and thinks her fiance just has to deal with being sexually harassed (because THAT is what it would be considered if she wasn't disabled).
    In order to be part of society cognitively disabled people need to act appropriately while participating in society. If that isn't possible then it is the caregiver's responsibility (in this case the parents) to make other arrangements for that person. They don't have to be shunned or feared, but they also don't have to be a part of everything especially where their behavior is inappropriate and disruptive.
     

    ronandannette

    I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!
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    It doesn't really matter if she can't be taught, bottom line her behavior is inappropriate and her sister doesn't want her at the wedding. Her parents don't care, they think she's selfish and thinks her fiance just has to deal with being sexually harassed (because THAT is what it would be considered if she wasn't disabled).
    In order to be part of society cognitively disabled people need to act appropriately while participating in society. If that isn't possible then it is the caregiver's responsibility (in this case the parents) to make other arrangements for that person. They don't have to be shunned or feared, but they also don't have to be a part of everything especially where their behavior is inappropriate and disruptive.
    Yes, of course - that is the bottom line of this particular situation. But the discussion has broadened - that's OK, right? Specifically here the sister (IMO) should be left with an alternate care-giver during the wedding and I personally would do so in a heartbeat. The posts stating her behavior is the way it is because of a lack of teaching/training though - those miss the mark.
     

    DisneyOma

    DIS Veteran
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    Jul 27, 2015
    Yes, of course - that is the bottom line of this particular situation. But the discussion has broadened - that's OK, right? Specifically here the sister (IMO) should be left with an alternate care-giver during the wedding and I personally would do so in a heartbeat. The posts stating her behavior is the way it is because of a lack of teaching/training though - those miss the mark.
    If the sister has learned about kissing, then the sister can learn about not kissing. Both are learned behaviors. I've worked with a student with similar issues, and the behavior therapist was able to do wonders.
     

    ronandannette

    I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!
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    May 4, 2006
    If the sister has learned about kissing, then the sister can learn about not kissing. Both are learned behaviors. I've worked with a student with similar issues, and the behavior therapist was able to do wonders.
    Your students are very fortunate to have access to such high-quality interventions and supports. It's important work you're doing. :flower3:
     

    Mackenzie Click-Mickelson

    Chugging along the path of life
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    Oct 23, 2015
    Yes, of course - that is the bottom line of this particular situation. But the discussion has broadened - that's OK, right? Specifically here the sister (IMO) should be left with an alternate care-giver during the wedding and I personally would do so in a heartbeat. The posts stating her behavior is the way it is because of a lack of teaching/training though - those miss the mark.
    Personally there is a difference between recognizing limitations of someone's cognitive abilities and recognizing when that has gone beyond seeing a limitation and instead enabling with an "it is what it is" mentality. Purely going off the reddit post the parents have taken on the enabling and "it is what it is" mentality that everyone should just simply accept the touching and inappropriate behavior without complaints you just deal with it.

    My best friend used to work with special needs children and that was one of the bigger things they worked on. Consistent reminders, redirects, and removing from the situation were done whenever behaviors got a certain way. To actually teach that the touching was acceptable was an absolute no-no. My aunt was taught boundaries. The two other autistic individuals I know (one completely non-verbal the other more verbal but still very child-like and less functioning than my aunt) are also redirected in their behavior, the parents take up that role. I cannot imagine any of these very different parents (1 from a completely different era) or family members allowing touching and kissing much less sanctioning it! Rather the opposite actually occurring. More attention paid to acceptable vs not acceptable touching and attitudes because of the cognitive limitation not less or some lackadaisical viewpoint on it.

    You have the bride saying "At times when we were at my parents house Anna would try and grab Michael's hands, try to lean in to kiss him or would have a really bad shutdowns if she wasn't allowed to be directly next to him" and the parents saying "normal for a woman her age to kiss and hug someone like Michael in that way as "she doesn't understand what her feelings mean." How is it both normal for a woman her age to kiss and hug someone and yet also be she doesn't understand what her feelings mean. Also when the bride tried to suggest redirecting the parents said they needed to get over it.

    There are posters who do have experience with individuals with cognitive disabilities both severe and not severe. That shouldn't mean they should feel a certain way just by that.

    Also the actual disablement has not been disclosed in the reddit post.
     


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