Bridal/ Wedding Shower?

[MistressOfAllEvil]

Okay... I tried posting this question yesterday and I had some technical difficulty, and I just didn't have the energy to retype it all out. So here goes, new day, new post...

Background on DF and I: We've been together for approximately 11 years with a couple of off times that add up to no more than 8 months. We met young... 18 for me, 19 for him. Neither of us have ever been married before. We lived together before and then I moved out on my own. We're now living together again (for the past 8-9 months) and we got engaged in May. We're having a February Escape wedding and hope to have a large celebration party back home in June. We both work hard, and I'm in school full time after years of working retail and just getting by. DF makes good money as an engineer but is paying off a lot of cc debt after two years of unemployment when the telecommunications company he was working for went bankrupt. We don't own or have a lot of nice things in terms of housewares. I do plan on registering for these types of things, matching kitchenware, linen's, etc. If I limit my shower to just those who are coming to our very intimate wedding... I would have a grand total guest list of 3-5 people (my mother is out of state and probably would not fly in, as well as another female guest of mine.) I've split our very small guest count with DF and I'm not as close to some of his female guests and would not invite them to a shower. Additionally, I have some closer friends who just cannot make it to the wedding or I just could not invite.

My question... What do I do about a wedding/ bridal shower (my MOH and BM are at a loss as well)? Do I have one? When do I have one? (before the wedding? after the wedding - which doesn't seem right - but before the at home celebration?) Who do I invite? I know traditionally, those not invited to the wedding shouldn't be invited to the shower (you're good enough to give me a gift, but not to come to my wedding - eek! I don't want anyone to think that!) but I'm kinda at a loss.

How have other intimate/ escape brides handled this situation? Have you forgone a shower? Please don't flame me... I've done a lot of searches and haven't come up with anything specific to this. I know there are strong opinions on this topic and I want to hear them, but please don't personally attack me. Any feedback is appreciated!!!

TIA,

Wendy

 

[allisonswonderland]

I had a small wedding at Disney...family and very close friends and a big reception at home. We still had a shower and invited friends & extended family who would be at the reception.

 

[JandJ]

Hi Wendy! We had an Intimate in 2005 (nearly 2 years ago now - wow time flies!). We only had 8 guests plus my MOH so it was very small. I had a bridal shower about 2 months before the wedding and a bachelorette party about 1 month before. My best friend threw the shower and there were about 20 people there. They all knew they would not be invited to the wedding and we didn't have an at-home reception. No one seemed to care about that - my family and friends wanted to celebrate my getting married and their way of doing that was to attend my bridal shower and/or bacheloretter party. For the bachelorette, my former roommate threw it and we all traveled to Orlando and had a blast - and only one of the people there was actually coming to the wedding - no one cared about that, we just had a good time.

In this day and age there are so many destination weddings that the old rule of having to invite everyone to the shower and the wedding no longer holds true for a lot of couples. I say go for it! Have your MOH or best friend throw it, give her a list of who to invite and have fun! Another option is an informal engagement party for you and your DF if that's more your style.

 

[DisneyObsession]

My daughter was just married 8/18 in Connecticut and we live in NY. We had a shower for her here on 7/1 and invited our friends, her school friends and family. Most of the friends were people from church who knew they wouldn't be invited to the wedding, since it was out of state. That wasn't a problem, they just wanted to help her celebrate her upcoming marriage. These were also people who had been part of her life as she was growing up and have known her since we moved here when she was 5!

As a previous poster stated, in this day and age, etiquette has changed because the marriage process has changed. I say have a GREAT Bridal Shower!!!

 

[lurkyloo]

OK, I keep hearing about how ettiquette has changed and you can have a shower even if only a few people are invited to your wedding, and I am ALL for it! However, word has not reached the rest of my new family...

We're having 35 people at the wedding. My future mother in law said there's no way she's throwing us a shower because only about 15 people from DF's huge family are invited (and it's up to her to do it because my mom passed on and I don't have any bridesmaids).

A female friend of mine has offered to throw a shower, but none of the people invited to the wedding live in the same city - or even the same state - so it looks like that's not going to happen.

Thank you for letting me feel sorry for myself...

 

[MistressOfAllEvil]

Aww, lurkyloo... i'm sorry for you

My FMIL is the opposite extreme... she wants the biggest of everything. The whole escape wedding is very hard for her (even though she said, do what you want and small is better ~ this from the old world Italian woman). She keeps trying to invite an extra 30 of her Florida snowbird friends to my Welcome Dinner of 20 and I have to remind her why it's not okay We go through this every other week.

She wanted to make sure right away that I was still going to have a shower... I said that I'd like to, but after thinking on it, I didn't know if it would be okay or how to work it.She'll be happy to know she can go all out if she wants, lol.

 

[Tabetha]

At the risk of sounding like a beyotch, I don't think etiquette has changed. I just think people are ignoring it.

As per Ms. Emily Post:

Don’t invite anyone to a shower who won’t be invited to the wedding. Showers are intimate gatherings for people you know very well—not excuses to haul in more gifts. The only exception is a workplace shower to which a large number of coworkers contribute. (If an office shower involves only a few coworkers, thoughtful couples will probably include these colleagues in the wedding guest list.)

Now, I think if you're having an at home reception, I would imagine that you could invite those guests to a shower as well...

 

[MistressOfAllEvil]

Yeah, i've looked up every etiquette rule I could find. I think i mentioned that in my original post. Anyhow... I'm not looking to bring in a huge haul. I just have some close friends and extended family that we don't have room to invite or that can't make it. I'm talking 20 women max. Nothing crazy. And yes, we'll be doing an at home reception/ open house type thing... i still feel uneasy making a decision on this...

 

[Tabetha]

I think if you give your MOH your entire guest list (for both the wedding and the at home reception) you should be fine. It's what I would do, if a shower was offered.

 

[TinkerFairy]

My bridal shower was back in July, and DF was there as well.
All of our family/friends knew we were doing the small wedding/huge reception back home, and everyone was fine with it from day one. To us, we wanted our actual vows done in a more private setting, and wanted to celebrate with everyone. Our family was understanding of that, and most of them told us if they could do it again, we had the right idea.

Honestly, we've went to sooo many weddings this summer, and there was next to no one at the ceremonies, but a ton showed up for the reception.