breaking family tradition on Thanksgiving: MIL

[GeorgeG]

This is how I feel, Dh & are adults....if either mama's unleashed any "wrath" we would probably look at each other like WTH...then go about our business.

Exactly. As adults you have every right to break from tradition whether occasionally or permanently. You are also free to establish your own tradition.

Perhaps one of the hardest parts of being married is trying to appease two families on holidays and special occasions. Extended families make it possible to make even more people unhappy. Sometimes rotating each year or holiday can be a solution, especially when travel is involved, but odds are that somebody will still be unhappy. It's usually a no-win situation and I envy those who manage to keep everyone, including themselves, happy.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

well, MIL knows DH cant stand his brother..Its not secret.. BIL is an alcoholic, drug abuser,sloth and liar who has sponged off every member of the family. Yet, to his mommy he can do no wrong and goodness help you if you criticize him. He rarely shows up for family events unless it is at his parents house, and thats only because he lives with them..About halfway thru he has to go to bed..

Mamas wrath is not speaking to you for weeks(not a bad thing really and making snide remarks.

Eh, not really wrath. She is just pissed she isn't getting her way.

In my family snide remarks opens yourself up for a snide remark war. So snide remarks are only said in jest because we are all experts at talking smack or taking you out at the knees (with words).

My kids always say how happy they are to be in our family. You don't have to lie or be fake. You can just be who you are and be comfortable. I can't imagine living any other way.

 

[LuvLDM]

BIL is an alcoholic, drug abuser,sloth and liar who has sponged off every member of the family. Yet, to his mommy he can do no wrong and goodness help you if you criticize him. He rarely shows up for family events unless it is at his parents house, and thats only because he lives with them..About halfway thru he has to go to bed..

I feel your pain. I have a half-brother like this, we all hate him, he truly is a waste of life. Fortunately he lives in another state so we never see him.

 

[NMAmy]

It's too late for you to follow my example and marry a Brit. No arguments over where we're spending Thanksgiving or the Fourth of July either for that matter!

My ex was in the military so we were also excused from family fights over where we'd be for the holidays when I was married to him. Somehow I've just lucked out but that means I prepare all the holiday meals.

 

[minkydog]

We usually have Thanksgiving at my MIL's house but telling her this year we gonna do our own thing because:

1. DH hates his brother who will be there(not telling her this of course)

2.DH works in another town(2 hours away) and has to work the Friday after. No sense having him come up for one day.

We will be in the doghouse no matter what..and everybody hates the 'wrath of MAMA'.

Just wondering who else has experience with this and how did it go over with other family members.

See, I don't get why there has to be any "wrath" at all. I mean, understand what you're saying. I think you have two perfectly good reasons to NOT go to an out of town Thanksgiving event. If your MIL can't seem to understand, then I'd say it's *her* problem. A little immaturity and a whole lotta self-centeredness.

W live 400 miles from our families. In the early years we tried to go to one or the other's but you know? We couldn ever satisfy everyone. So we quit trying. We stayed home and made up our own traditions. My family is very cool with it--my mom was a nurse, so we learned early to be veeeery flexible where holidays are concerned. DHs family is extremely INflexible. Everyone must be in their places, in their best holiday attire at 1pm on Thursday come hell or high water. Too bad for them, I really don't care. My kids would much rather stay home and have our nice little laid-back Thanksgivingthan hang out with a bunch of relatives who only want to tell them how they should cut their hair, wear less eyeliner, get a job or go to college. Yeah, great way to win over the next generation.

 

[gator75]

bballmom56 Its the know it all goldenchild with no shut up filter. my bil constantly walks around with a foot sticking out of his mouth

 

[bballmom56]

bballmom56 Its the know it all goldenchild with no shut up filter. my bil constantly walks around with a foot sticking out of his mouth

Ah, yes. Delightful creature, isn't it? Add alcohol to the mix and it makes for a spiffy visit.

 

[cm8]

Well.. I just lost a family member this week to a heart attack... I also lost my grandmother this year. I would give the world to see them both again. I think you should put your differences aside and go have Thanksgiving as a family. Just my opinion.. everyone has a different opinion ofcourse..

 

[luvsJack]

Well.. I just lost a family member this week to a heart attack... I also lost my grandmother this year. I would give the world to see them both again. I think you should put your differences aside and go have Thanksgiving as a family. Just my opinion.. everyone has a different opinion ofcourse..

Sorry for you loss.

I feel the same as you. If we could have one Thanksgiving again with my dad, brother, nephew and sis-in-law all here, it would be worth all the bad family experiences rolled into one.

DS has 6 brothers and a sister. At some point someone is mad at someone. And I feel for the OP and dealing with a drug abuser, have had that in the family a couple of times. But, unless in WDW, we are there every other year. Someday he will lose his mom and dad. I know how that feels and won't have him regretting the holidays he did not spend with them. But that's just me.

OP, if you feel that strongly about it; just don't go. She'll get mad but she will get over it, right? So just be prepared for the wrath, let her son tell her you won't be there and stand your ground.


I have said it on other threads, I think the thing I am most thankful for this year is having two families that we love dearly and not too many crazies in the bunch.

 

[HOGFAN]

the you know what hit the fan last night. I went over to MIL's house.We werent going to tell her yet because we wernt 100% sure. She was almost in tears going on about how she was worried that 'the boys' wouldnt get along. How she never thought it would happen in her familly,etc. So I told her what we were considering. She seemed very relieved and said it was a good idea.
I asked her to be quiet about it as our minds werent completely made up. She agreed. Apparently she called another sister before I could even get home and complained to her that DH wouldnt come to her house because of his brother(which is true but I never said). So SIL calls up all upset. DH tells her about us going up to his place(MIL didnt tell her that). SIL understood.
Now DH mad at me because I told his mom. Frankly Im done with the whole mess. I dont care if 'the boys' kill each other or NEVER get along. Im tempted to make other plans for Christmas too.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

the you know what hit the fan last night. I went over to MIL's house.We werent going to tell her yet because we wernt 100% sure. She was almost in tears going on about how she was worried that 'the boys' wouldnt get along. How she never thought it would happen in her familly,etc. So I told her what we were considering. She seemed very relieved and said it was a good idea.
I asked her to be quiet about it as our minds werent completely made up. She agreed. Apparently she called another sister before I could even get home and complained to her that DH wouldnt come to her house because of his brother(which is true but I never said). So SIL calls up all upset. DH tells her about us going up to his place(MIL didnt tell her that). SIL understood.
Now DH mad at me because I told his mom. Frankly Im done with the whole mess. I dont care if 'the boys' kill each other or NEVER get along. Im tempted to make other plans for Christmas too.

If you are "done with this whole mess" then you have to allow your dh to take care of his family. I see you have difficulty here.

If you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem. You agreed not to say anything and you could not help yourself. You are gullible and fall for the MIL's tactics. She agreed to be quiet.

Sounds like you are finally ready to set yourself FREE!!!! Apologize to your DH and tell him he is in charge of his family now.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I just got so tired of it being a one way street. We have always tried to split our time between my parents (who have no other family in the area) and DH's who has a large extended family here. We took the boys to the in-laws for Christmas for years. SIL and one of the cousins couldn't understand what a pain it was. I started hosting at my house the weekend before Christmas so that we could avoid all the driving. That work out pretty well for a while. They SIL had a baby and started to want to host all of the Holiday events at her house. (She quickly figured out what a hassle it is to haul you child around on Christmas when they really just want to stay home and play with the toys they got.) Problem is her house is really too small for the number of people showing up.

Last year for Thanksgiving, DH was gone hunting so I took my 2 DS's (19 and 13) and went without him. The three of us basically sat in the living room alone for a couple of hours. Everyone was gathered in the kitchen and there was no room to sit or even comfortably stand and talk. We've had other cousins complain about being basically ignored at events at SIL's house and now I understand completely! MIL has invited us to her house and said she is making a small turkey so I'm not sure if we'll go or not. At some point we will probably just start planning out of town vacations for the holidays and avoid this situation all together.

 

[minkydog]

If you are "done with this whole mess" then you have to allow your dh to take care of his family. I see you have difficulty here.

If you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem. You agreed not to say anything and you could not help yourself. You are gullible and fall for the MIL's tactics. She agreed to be quiet.

Sounds like you are finally ready to set yourself FREE!!!! Apologize to your DH and tell him he is in charge of his family now.

I AGREE. You need to trust your husband to work things out with HIS FAMILY. Keep your mouth shut. Let him handle it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If you are "done with this whole mess" then you have to allow your dh to take care of his family. I see you have difficulty here.

If you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem. You agreed not to say anything and you could not help yourself. You are gullible and fall for the MIL's tactics. She agreed to be quiet.

Sounds like you are finally ready to set yourself FREE!!!! Apologize to your DH and tell him he is in charge of his family now.

Too funny!!! and AMEN!!! at the same time!