breaking family tradition on Thanksgiving: MIL

[HOGFAN]

We usually have Thanksgiving at my MIL's house but telling her this year we gonna do our own thing because:

1. DH hates his brother who will be there(not telling her this of course)

2.DH works in another town(2 hours away) and has to work the Friday after. No sense having him come up for one day.

We will be in the doghouse no matter what..and everybody hates the 'wrath of MAMA'.

Just wondering who else has experience with this and how did it go over with other family members.

 

[Christine]

I broke off going to my in-laws many years ago. I, too, always had to work on the Friday after and they have lived 3-4 hours away for many years.

I never had to deal with any "wrath" but they are not happy about it. I stand my ground and I don't generally do what I don't want to do or what makes me miserable.

I don't really care what they think but, sure, they don't love me for this. I'm sure I'll be a very lonely old woman!!!

 

[golfgal]

We usually stayed home for Thanksgiving because we lived 3 hours away and it wasn't worth the trip. For Christmas we were always the ones stuck driving and one year we decided we had enough. On DH's side all was well, we just started celebrating the Saturday before (but we still had to be the ones to drive ). My family wanted to celebrate ON Christmas or nothing so we chose nothing. Now that we live closer, they will come here every other year. After all the years we spent driving, we aren't going to do that any more-or at least for a LONG time .

 

[WDWisTheBest]

I broke off going to my in-laws many years ago. I, too, always had to work on the Friday after and they have lived 3-4 hours away for many years.

I never had to deal with any "wrath" but they are not happy about it. I stand my ground and I don't generally do what I don't want to do or what makes me miserable.

I don't really care what they think but, sure, they don't love me for this. I'm sure I'll be a very lonely old woman!!!

As you said, why be miserable going to the in-laws house?

 

[bballmom56]

We actually are breaking our usual tradition and are going TO MIL's this year. In past years, I have always had my brother and his family here for Thanksgiving and we would go visit MIL and FIL on the Saturday after Tgiving. This year, there is very little family left (maybe none due to many sad circumstances) to be with IL's, so I made the decision that we needed to be there on Thursday. I will make the turkey and trimmings and bring it with us so she doesn't have to do it. FIL is basically an invalid at this point and she takes care of him by herself. At 80, she is a remarkable woman, but getting very tired.

Hogfan - we used to have the same thing with a brother of DH. We couldn't stand him because he was an uneducated know-it-all who had no "shut up" filter in his head. And his one son was even worse. But he was the golden child, so of course, we never said a word - just counted the minutes until we could leave! Those 2 will not be there this year and you can never count on DH's other brother to be anywhere at anytime no matter what the occasion, so we will make sure that we are there.

 

[barkley]

We usually have Thanksgiving at my MIL's house but telling her this year we gonna do our own thing because:

1. DH hates his brother who will be there(not telling her this of course)

2.DH works in another town(2 hours away) and has to work the Friday after. No sense having him come up for one day.

We will be in the doghouse no matter what..and everybody hates the 'wrath of MAMA'.

Just wondering who else has experience with this and how did it go over with other family members.

2 words-intestinal flu.


not saying to lie, just make a comment next week that it's going around and you sure hope you, dh and the kids are'nt coming down with it. a good follow up call can involve your husband inquiring of his mom "what was that stuff you used to give us when we were kids and we were sick at both ends?".

then it might not be an issue of you declining the invite-the invite might get revoked

 

[Vickie46]

Well.. I just lost a family member this week to a heart attack... I also lost my grandmother this year. I would give the world to see them both again. I think you should put your differences aside and go have Thanksgiving as a family. Just my opinion.. everyone has a different opinion ofcourse..

 

[Momvic5]

I used to dread the holidays due to all of the driving. Every year, it was the same. We would drive 3 hours away and spend the whole Thanksgiving holiday driving from one house to another. My dh's parents were divorced so we had many houses to visit. It was crazy especially after our 3 children came into the mix. Finally, we came to a point where we would alternate Thanksgivings with my dh's parents - that helped a lot, but we were still doing a lot of driving. Then, the year that I had finally found enough courage to tell my parents that we were going to stay home for the holidays, my dad died tragically and suddenly. That changed everything...we had to continue our Thanksgivings at my mom's house...I couldn't leave her alone. To add to that sad note, a couple of years later, my dh's mom passed away. We were still having to drive 3 to 5 hours away, but with only two homes to visit, it was not as near as bad. Two years ago, my mom passed away , and now we spend all of our holidays at home. I look back on our past holidays, and I am so thankful we drove and visited everyone. It was hard, and our holidays were rushed, and lots of hours were spent on the road, but I can appreciate and cherish them now. However, I love having the holidays at home. We have started our own traditions, and we actually look forward to the holidays. My dh's dad is still with us, but we do not go to visit them over the holidays anymore. They are not always happy with us, but they understand that it is quite expensive for us to go now. We are 5 hours apart, and our visit requires a hotel stay. As a family of 5, we basically have to plan for a mini-vacation. They are always welcome to come to our home and stay, but they refuse.

Even if we had not lost our parents, we would have had to break the family tradition of spending Thanksgivings with all of our parents. When it was just my dh and me, all of the driving was doable, but as the kids came along, it became too hard and expensive. I knew that at some point I wanted to start our own traditions and spend less time on the road and more time with my dh and children. Right now, I would travel around the world to see my mom, dad, and mother in law, but that is because I have lost them and ache to see them, but if they were still here, our traditions with them would have had to change at some point.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We usually have Thanksgiving at my MIL's house but telling her this year we gonna do our own thing because:

1. DH hates his brother who will be there(not telling her this of course)

2.DH works in another town(2 hours away) and has to work the Friday after. No sense having him come up for one day.

We will be in the doghouse no matter what..and everybody hates the 'wrath of MAMA'.

Just wondering who else has experience with this and how did it go over with other family members.

What does the "wrath of MAMA" entail? Honestly it is hard for me to take people like that seriously.

I just give the standard, "sorry you feel that way" and then move on.

If mama were to dole out her "wrath" it would be nothing compared to mine.

 

[MushyMushy]

Yeah, MIL is a little irked with us now because we're going to WDW in December, but we never go visit her over Christmas. Thing is, we're not going to WDW ON Christmas, just in early December.

We made the decision when the kids were little not to spend Christmas morning in a hotel room. It hasn't been overly popular with the in-laws over the years. They've been more than welcome to visit us, but haven't.

 

[Pakey]

We broke 12 years ago from holidays with my family. I have a brother I do not like (and he does not like me) and 20 years of miserable holidays was enough punishment for my family and I.

I did the illness excuse, I did the "have to go to the inlaws this time" excuse, etc for a few years but then my mom caught on and when she specifically asked, I specifically told her. It was huge deal for awhile but then she got over it.

Now my mother is battling terminal cancer and at some point I'm going to have to be in the same room with a brother I have not seen in many years. I imagine it's going to be very awkward.

 

[LuvLDM]

What does the "wrath of MAMA" entail? Honestly it is hard for me to take people like that seriously.

I just give the standard, "sorry you feel that way" and then move on.

If mama were to dole out her "wrath" it would be nothing compared to mine.

This is how I feel, Dh & are adults....if either mama's unleashed any "wrath" we would probably look at each other like WTH...then go about our business.

 

[bellebud]

we do "thanksgiving" with my side of the family the weekend before thanksgiving. we LOVE it.

then "on" thanksgiving, we're all able to go to inlaws, or be alone, whatever.

maybe something like that could work for you?

 

[Agri]

We usually have Thanksgiving at my MIL's house but telling her this year we gonna do our own thing because:

1. DH hates his brother who will be there(not telling her this of course)

2.DH works in another town(2 hours away) and has to work the Friday after. No sense having him come up for one day.

We will be in the doghouse no matter what..and everybody hates the 'wrath of MAMA'.

Just wondering who else has experience with this and how did it go over with other family members.

I haven't had to deal with this *specifically*, but I have had lots of experience dealing with disliking family members and trying to get out of dealing with them.

The truth is, your DH needs to just be honest with mom. One way or another, the truth will out and she would probably prefer to know ahead of time vs. "Why won't John and Tom stay in my room at the same time?" when she's dying. He needs to explain that he works the next day and does not want to go. Then he can work out if/how he wants to make it up to his mother.

No matter the "wrath of MAMA", all involved are adults, and the best thing to do is - act like adults. Even if "MAMA" can't act like one, you and your husband can, right? You aren't responsible for he reaction, but you are responsible for *yours*.

I would tell DH he needs to talk to his mother - about a lot of things.

 

[barkley]

Yeah, MIL is a little irked with us now because we're going to WDW in December, but we never go visit her over Christmas. Thing is, we're not going to WDW ON Christmas, just in early December.

We made the decision when the kids were little not to spend Christmas morning in a hotel room. It hasn't been overly popular with the in-laws over the years. They've been more than welcome to visit us, but haven't.

dh and i made that rule before we ever had kids. it was born out of the sorrow we felt when we heard, on christmas morning at mil's, one of his young nephews asking his parents "does'nt santa know where we live? how come he never brings our presents to our house?"(the nephews had never woken up in their own homes on christmas morning in their entire lives).

 

[JoiseyMom]

We usually got to my Mil, but this year she doesn't want to deal with her MIL, so we (mil/fil, me/dh/kids) are going to AC for Thanksgiving . Bil and his gf are going on a cruise. Our eldest DS and his bride are going to her parents (it's their turn this year), and our other DS lives out of state. No fuss no muss and no LEFTOVERS!!

 

[gator75]

Hey bballmom56 are we related ? it sounds like we have the same bil. Ican't stand him ,so that is the very reason we don't do holidays with them dh is fine with it , and it saves on our sanity. And i don't care nor have i ever cared what the inlaws think of it they don't get a say.

 

[bballmom56]

Hey bballmom56 are we related ? it sounds like we have the same bil.

Which one? The uneducated know-it-all golden child with no shut up filter? Or the one you can't count on to be anywhere at anytime for any given occasion?

 

[HOGFAN]

well, MIL knows DH cant stand his brother..Its not secret.. BIL is an alcoholic, drug abuser,sloth and liar who has sponged off every member of the family. Yet, to his mommy he can do no wrong and goodness help you if you criticize him. He rarely shows up for family events unless it is at his parents house, and thats only because he lives with them..About halfway thru he has to go to bed..

Mamas wrath is not speaking to you for weeks(not a bad thing really and making snide remarks.

 

[C.Ann]

If you really feel that strongly about it, just don't go.. "We've made other plans this year.."

Whatever she dishes out, so be it.. She'll get over it - or not.. LOL..

It really depends on how strongly you feel about it.. Weigh the pros and cons and then make your decision..

Whatever you choose, I hope you have a happy holiday!