Bittersweet easter

[kawing123]

I understand the loan process completely. She obtained a student loan for the fall/winter terms. They divided the loan in half and half was made avaiable to her during each term. She was suppose to save the leftovers which was a couple thousand each term for spring/summer but spent it. She does work but has no self control.

 

[2binak]

My oldest spends her money irresponsibly. We pay for some car repairs, dental, vision and some medical. She knows she is free to come here and take food as I am a Budget couponer with a stash of food and personal items, she is just so ungreatful and worries about what she does not have instead of what she has. My oldest does not live at home.

OP - I have family members who went through the very same thing with their DD. She spent money on anything and everything that was not necessary yet could not pay rent, car payments, college loans, etc. She quit school, which her parents were paying for, went back on loans, quit again and kept the remaining loan money which she spent on clothes, a new computer, etc. She is now in her 30's, still paying on those college loans, has brought a child into the world, is a single parent and is still relying on her parents to help pay car bills, rent, food bills, etc. Instead of being just an irresponsible DD, she's now an irresponsible DD with a child. Now her parents feel the need to give her money because they don't want her child living on the streets. It's a never-ending cycle and the only one who can break it is you and I suggest you break it now before you're supporting a 30-something, single mother with no desire to support herself or her child.

 

[luvsJack]

I understand the loan process completely. She obtained a student loan for the fall/winter terms. They divided the loan in half and half was made avaiable to her during each term. She was suppose to save the leftovers which was a couple thousand each term for spring/summer but spent it. She does work but has no self control.

Is she on a tri-mester system rather than a semester one? If so (and that is what it sounds like) then she may have availability left for spring/summer and can take out another loan. Normally loan eligiblity is for a school year, and whatever amount a student receives for 1/2 the year they are also eligble for the other 1/2. I would tell her to see about taking out another loan. She may not be pulling a fast one, just not very good at handling money. For my ds, I took portions of his loan refund each term and made him put it in savings. He learned by force but now does the same thing with his paycheck.

It seems to me that the best thing for you to do is sit down with both of your daughters and set some limits and expectations. If oldest dd is in college and there is a certain amount of money you are intending to give her to live on or pay for expenses, tell her that amount and say that is it--no more money. And tell her that you expect a certain amount of respect and that the "nursing home" cracks are disrepectful and hurtful. Tell your youngest dd that the decision of which college she chooses is between her and her parents and not her grandparents (unless they are willing to pay for it?) I think you should also make it clear with your parents why you feel this way and the reasons you have for choosing the college that is offering the scholarship.

Mostly though, it sounds like you are tired and feeling ganged up on. The next time that happens I would loudly say to all in the room "time out" and then proceed to tell them that they do not have the right to treat you this way--and then leave. When you get back, maybe they will have a different outlook.

 

[agnes!]

I am not joking about this...I think the entire extended-family should consider getting some group-counseling. The family dynamics seem a little skewed or something, kwim? Ungrateful/mouthy/rude/sponging adult (oldest) daughter, younger daughter going off to college (who seems to be starting to learn the older daughter's nasty ways), relatives giving their forceful opinions when they don't know the whole story (are your parents basically telling you how to spend your own money for the DD18's college?), your simmering resentment over others' behavior (not that they don't deserve it, mind you).... the whole situation just doesn't sound very happy at all.

Oh, and no more holiday/family-dinners at your house for a while, they sure don't sound like they're very much fun for the hostess. I see lots of out-of-town trips in your future for Christmas/Easter/Memorial Day/etc...and the trips don't necessarily *have* to be big blow-outs, just fun for you.

agnes!

 

[kawing123]

I am having no more holiday dinners here. We can meet at a restaurant. Cannot behave this way out or not for very long at least. And yes I can see my youngest getting that little attitude. It is sort of like divide and conquer only their conquer is negative towards themselves and others.

 

[diznygirl]

I have done to an extent at times what the others have said but nothing sinks in.

You have been describing my younger brother. He has just gotten worse over time, and he's 40 now. My mom has always been an enabler. Come down hard on her now and maybe she will change. Otherwise, get comfy for the long haul. Good luck.

 

[focusondisney]

Op, I'm sorry you got dumped on at your own home on the holiday. Sounds like you've about reached the end of your rope which is probably a good thing. Seems like a good time for a "come to Jesus" family meeting. I'd start by laying down the law to the 24 year old. She is a grown woman who has made her life choices & now she needs to live with them. No dental insurance, guess she doesn't get her teeth cleaned. No money for car insurance, guess she takes the bus. The grandparents want to give her money, well that's their decision. But no more rescues from you. And I wouldn't even address the nursing home comments. Start living your life & make your plans as if you have no one else to make them for you. Get a will & health care directives to legally say what you want.Don't let her have the power to play with your head like that.

Younger daughter & college: lay out your plans for financial assistance. If she wants to lay out tens of thousands for the under grad degree & the tens of thousands for a medical degree after that, nothing you can do. I would make sure tho that she hears from reliable sources the reality of medical schools : not only the cost but also the admissions numbers & the work load. Lots of kids start out college with grand plans that don't pan out. Make sure she has all the info, but then the decision is hers.

Grandparents, sorry, I'd start distancing myself. You don't need to include them in your day to day life, not even on holidays. Why put your self thru this? If they are toxic, back off from them. It isn't mandated that you have them to your home. If they undercut you with your kids for years now, you need to set limits with them for your own sanity. Sounds like this one is way over due.

These changes will be hard but sounds like you need to do something to save your sanity. Good luck & hugs.

 

[Motherofboys]

Wow, your first post in this thread makes me really sad. You worked hard to have a nice Easter meal, you obviously received no thanks or appreciation for it...just grief and selfishness from your daughters and parents.

I'm sorry I hope that your daughters can grow up and appreciate all that you have given them. You have to help them see the error of their ways though, not continue to indulge them. I know that is easier typed then done

And as for big name schools...that is a lot of huey in 9 out of 10 cases that it helps you when getting into a law or med school. Your gpa and your LSAT or MCAT scores are what matters, not your undergrad.

I gpa from Western Michigan University counts the same as a gpa from University of Michigan on an app, and trust me -- students at UofM don't get to take volleyball or aerobics for classes!

I know MANY people that have regretted paying the big bucks for a big name...your daughter may want to consider talking to some alumni from the universities she is considering, not just current students and sales reps.

 

[kawing123]

My youngest is extremely smart and would not flinch at the demands of medical school. Believe me she is responsible but is getting this attitude from her sister. I tried to make a chart up for her fiscally speaking as what each school is offering and how much she would come out in debt but she did not want to see it or take is seriously. I think it is important that she realizes med school is 160,000 and up and that using the money for undergrad degree might not be to her advantage. I also talk with her about admissions. Not everyone who applies is accepted and that she should also have a back-up plan. She is soo ambitious and certain and smart. Trying to throw out different scenarios. The school she loves is a tech school that has pre med biology but if she were to change her mind then she would loose the scholarship if she transferred schools or become an engineer for which she has not interest. I am level headed and realize teens sometimes change career goals and that is to be considered.

 

[eliza61]

WOW OP, first you got slammed on Easter, then here. Poor you, I hope you have a better day today. For what it's worth, I don't think you are the bad guy at all

Hi Luv,
Nope, think you're misreading us here.

Op, as you can see a few of us have been through the college loan process. We are not saying this stuff to be mean or discouraging. Information is power, right now you are at a disadvantage because you don't have that information. This is the first step to getting a little respect.

A lot of us are parents and we can definitely feel your frustration. I tell my kids (young adults) all the time, my job is to turn you into productive adults who are self sufficient and contribute to society. Whether you become that the easy way or the hard way makes no difference to me, but you will get that message.

 

[eliza61]

My youngest is extremely smart and would not flinch at the demands of medical school. Believe me she is responsible but is getting this attitude from her sister. I tried to make a chart up for her fiscally speaking as what each school is offering and how much she would come out in debt but she did not want to see it or take is seriously. I think it is important that she realizes med school is 160,000 and up and that using the money for undergrad degree might not be to her advantage. I also talk with her about admissions. Not everyone who applies is accepted and that she should also have a back-up plan. She is soo ambitious and certain and smart. Trying to throw out different scenarios. The school she loves is a tech school that has pre med biology but if she were to change her mind then she would loose the scholarship if she transferred schools or become an engineer for which she has not interest. I am level headed and realize teens sometimes change career goals and that is to be considered.

Cool, so now may be another lesson she has to learn. As our kids get older unfortunately they have to learn that some of their decisions will have negative consequences. If she listens to big sis and starts making not so smart decisions then she will be the one to live with the fallout. If she blows her undergrad resources, be prepared for huge student loans. A lot of us don't want to here "the well will run dry eventually" song but like I said nothing wakes a person up like a huge dose of reality.

It is tough to sit back and watch your kids do some thing you know will cause headaches but at some point that's exactly what we have to do.

You presented her with the information, it may be a situation where you now have to take 1 step back.

I would stress though that the disrepectfulness is going to go. NOW!

 

[kawing123]

I try with my oldest but sometimes I wonder if I do not pay for this or that will she be suicidal. She at times seems a little off or maybe I am overprotective. She is definitely learning the hard way and I have told her so many times. It is just so easy to do the right thing and so much harder to have an attitude and fail have an attitude again and fail. For my oldest it never sinks in.

 

[focusondisney]

Sorry, OP. We have apparently misread you. You are posting to vent, not for advice. You are apparently not wanting to change this situation. Your older daughter has you just where she wants you & you are staying there. No one commits suicide because their parent doesn't keep rescuing them from their own stupidity. Suicidal thougths are a mental illness. Has she threatened suicide or are you just playing "what if"?

Since you just keep making excuses for your daughters, you obviously aren't looking to change anything. Good luck to you & vent away. No more advice.

 

[Sneezie]

I suggest you and the hubby go to Disney World for Easter from now on.

I also suggest you work up a living will that states where you are willing to go and have someone you trust be in charge of those types of decisions if you ever (God-forbid) become mentally incapacitated. Honestly, I'm 36 years old and if I ever talked to my mother that way I wouldn't wake up to see a new day - and my mother has had both knees replaced and can barely walk but she would get me. And I would definitely not tell her something like that if I still had to depend on her. It seems your oldest DD has it backwards, she should be kissing your butt not kicking it.

It's time for you to make a change OP!

 

[kawing123]

She will call me crying so you are not going to help me now I am not going to be able to take the next class and she will cry hard over the phone. I am going to tell her it is not in our budget right now and that when she makes remarks regarding a nursing home that it is dispicable and she should rethink or think twice before making rude statements. In her eyes she is Miss etiquette she is always referring to someone as trailer trash and I have told her before that is a awful term to use and she should stop. When she says that she is the one that sounds like trailer trash.

 

[diznygirl]

I try with my oldest but sometimes I wonder if I do not pay for this or that will she be suicidal. She at times seems a little off or maybe I am overprotective. She is definitely learning the hard way and I have told her so many times. It is just so easy to do the right thing and so much harder to have an attitude and fail have an attitude again and fail. For my oldest it never sinks in.

Is it not sinking in, or is do you just give in before she does?


I'm only talking from my own experience here - Dear Little Brother fleeced mom out some money just a few months ago - he was yelling and screaming and talking about living on the streets with his son - my mother eventually gave in and gave him money. NOT because he asked nicely, really needed it, and would have paid it back. But because he wore her down and she couldn't sleep at night wondering what would happen.


I don't know your daughter, but she sure sounds very similar to my brother. The difference is that your daughter is younger and you can possibly change her behavior.

 

[Sneezie]

She will call me crying so you are not going to help me now I am not going to be able to take the next class and she will cry hard over the phone. I am going to tell her it is not in our budget right now and that when she makes remarks regarding a nursing home that it is dispicable and she should rethink or think twice before making rude statements. In her eyes she is Miss etiquette she is always referring to someone as trailer trash and I have told her before that is a awful term to use and she should stop. When she says that she is the one that sounds like trailer trash.

I know this is going to be hard OP, but even saying that it's not in the budget "right now" is too nice. That just opens the door for the next time. She only cries and lays down the guilt trip because it works on you. Can't you just say no and leave it at that? Explanations are not necessary. I tell my DD that if she doesn't need an explanation for a yes answer, she doesn't need one for a no answer either.

Be strong and consistent!

 

[worm761]

She will call me crying so you are not going to help me now I am not going to be able to take the next class and she will cry hard over the phone. I am going to tell her it is not in our budget right now and that when she makes remarks regarding a nursing home that it is dispicable and she should rethink or think twice before making rude statements. In her eyes she is Miss etiquette she is always referring to someone as trailer trash and I have told her before that is a awful term to use and she should stop. When she says that she is the one that sounds like trailer trash.

I am a HUGE believer in natural consequences. If she doesn't save the money for the classes, then guess what? She doesn't take the classes! I know you want to your DD to graduate college but she needs to learn the tough love way. Cut her off. Give her no more money. She can get a job and work and save. That is the reality of being a grown up. If she can't then tell her to move home like a kid, have a curfew, an allowance ( a REALLY TINY allowance) and chores like kids have. When she feels like she can be a grown up then she can get a job, move out, and pay for school. You have paid enough.

As for younger DD, really let her decide where she wants to go to school. BUT tell her you can contribute X amount of dollars, anything beyond that she has to get loans and/or a job to pay for it. Then stick to it.

As for the nursing home comments, I am a mean mean person. I would create a fake will and leave it where I knew the girls would find it. I would stipulate that my home and all assets were to be sold off so I could live in the nicest nursing home around (don't know where you are so just choose a nice one). Any monies left over would be sent to a charity of my choosing. Once they see they won't be paying for said nursing home, they don't choose. And when they ask why the charity gets any left over, explain they are ungrateful now and have already spent their portions of the inheritance. But I am mean. You really need to learn to stick to your guns. This is the main issue I think. My mother was the same way, she always gave in.

 

[cheermom1]

OP you need to completely tell oldest dd you can not give her any money at all, she needs to learn the hard way about responsibility. If she calls crying tell her you can't talk to her while she is like that and hang up! I know I sound harsh but it is time for tough love! Tell youngest that here are the pros and cons and this is what I can do period! tell her that if she chooses the school you want her to go to she will get xyz from you but if she chooses the other she will get abc from you, leave it at that! You have to take the control back! If you parents want to do anything tell them thy are free to do what they want but you do not want to hear it and if they start in on you about tell them you are not willing to discuss it and walk way! Then you start saving for your retirement and make plans so no has to "take" care of you! good luck!

 

[kawing123]

Entitlement issues are part of her problem. I get tired of being the bad guy though. I am going to tell her no and leave it at that. I cannot believe she went through all that extra money I was just stunned. She caught me off guard how foolish could she be. I am going to make one final chart up for my youngest with both some academic and mostly fiscal pros and cons and go from there. It just is not worth it. Attitude issues are getting priority over common sense.