Birthday party dillema

[JodyLynC]

This is kind of long, but I will try to be brief. My DDs are twins in Kindergarten (separate classes). DH and I are planning on letting them have a small party. Each DD will be allowed to discreetly invite (invitations to be mailed out not delivered at school) 4 friends from their class. There is a girl in DD2's class who also rides their bus. We will call her E. E is very loud, disrespectful, and something of a bully. She is also destructive. My DDs were at another girl's b-day party in which E was out of control and ended up breaking 2 toys belonging to the b-day girl.

As I said, she is in DD2's class. They have had a run-in once or twice, but DD2 pretty much stays away from her. She does not want to invite her to the party. Well, DD1 took it upon herself to approach E on the bus and say "My sister doesn't want to invite you to our party, but I do." When DH and I found out, we were livid. Not only did she invite someone who is not in her class, she invited her in a way that put her sister in a bad light.

I reminded DD1 of E's behaviour at the other girl's house. She said "Well, I don't care because she is my friend." So I said fine. That she could invite E, but E would be her only guest and that she is completely responsible for her behaviour. If E breaks one of DD2's toys, then DD1 would have to replace it. Apparently DD1 didn't like this deal and told E on the bus yesterday that she was uninviting her, which despite E's behaviour is absolutely horrible to do to someone.

At this point, I don't even want to have a party. DH and I don't know what to do at this point. Should we say "no party" this year and do something out of town? Should we allow DD2 to have her party and not DD1? Should we have the party and make DD1 apologize to E and invite her as her only guest?

I'm truly horrified and baffled by DD1's behaviour. Usually she is a very sensitive and caring child. My guess is that DD1 felt bad that DD2 didn't want to invite E and tried to make E feel wanted (even though E was never told about a party.) But after DD1 remembered how destructive she could be decided that she didn't want E around.

 

[mjkacmom]

They're only in kindergarten - I'm sure your dd didn't put much thought in it when she invited E (I have twins in kindergarten, too). Even though E doesn't get along with your other dd, she thinks of her as a friend, and wants to invite her. She then uninvited her because of what you said to her (and at that age, they really don't fully grasp what is rude).

What I don't understand is why she is only allowed to invite 1 friend, while your other dd gets to invite 4? I'd let them both invite 4, and if your dd wants E to be invited, invite her - it's 2 hours, and a very small party anyway. My gf has 10 year old g/g twins, and they have their own friends - don't even get along, like many siblings.

 

[sashagiselle]

Hi there, I have a dd in kindergarten and yes the things that she says and does sometimes utterly baffle me, but I think you are being really too hard on her. I too have high expectations for my dd's behavior, but there are just somethings that she is going to get wrong and thats ok, her brain is not equipped the reasoning of an adult yet.

Please don't let this ruin their party or your enjoyment of seeing them celebrate with their friends. Honestly the girl on the bus was not formally invited (invite sent home), so I wouldn;t worry about it too much and tell my dd that I dont like this girls behavior and ask her to choose the 4 friends from her class.

Good luck!!

 

[mjmoon]

I really don't understand the harshness of her punishment for inviting E. I agree throwing her sister under the bus wasn't the best approach but she's FIVE and at five their social skills aren't exactly fine tuned.

I think if you're going allow your girls to pick 4 friends you need to let them pick their friends. Disallowing one child to invite 3 friends because you don't like her choice is unfair and petty, IMO. Either let the girls pick or you pick, don't change the rules midstream.

I'd like to also add that "E" is also a 5 year old and is new to this too. Perhaps some good friends and parents can help steer her in the right direction socially.

Edited to add: I also don't think it is fair to make your daughter responsible for "E"'s behavior. If she is destructive and breaks anything, make sure her PARENTS are aware of the behavior and if anyone needs to replace anything, it's them.

 

[JodyLynC]

I really don't understand the harshness of her punishment for inviting E. I agree throwing her sister under the bus wasn't the best approach but she's FIVE and at five their social skills aren't exactly fine tuned.

I think if you're going allow your girls to pick 4 friends you need to let them pick their friends. Disallowing one child to invite 3 friends because you don't like her choice is unfair and petty, IMO. Either let the girls pick or you pick, don't change the rules midstream.

I'd like to also add that "E" is also a 5 year old and is new to this too. Perhaps some good friends and parents can help steer her in the right direction socially.

Edited to add: I also don't think it is fair to make your daughter responsible for "E"'s behavior. If she is destructive and breaks anything, make sure her PARENTS are aware of the behavior and if anyone needs to replace anything, it's them.

Actually E is 6 1/2. My DDs are allowed to invite people from their own class. E is not in DD1's class. She only knows her from riding the bus. I'm really not comfortable with having her in my house because of her bullying and destructive habits. She has tried to bully DD2 several times. Since I knew DD2 would not invite her (since they don't normally speak to each other), I didn't think it would be an issue. DD1 decided to take it upon herself to verbally invite someone who is not in her class.

 

[Erin1700]

Well, I think you should look at it this way...your DD invited her by word of mouth on the bus. You planned to mail the invites as to not cause hard feelings. Are you sure she didn't "invite" anyone else?
After getting that straight, I would go from there. I don't necessarily think you need to send E an invite in this case.
I would worry more about how all the others are going to feel if your DD is telling them.

 

[lastminutemom]

Ok, she is only 6.5. Really, you are going to hold her that accountable by canceling her birthday party.

As a parent, I never consider a verbal invite from one child to another an actual invitation unless I receive either a call from the parents or a paper invite.

Let each child invite 4 children ... if you don't want to have E, then tell your DD no and call it a day.

 

[mjkacmom]

You are not going to like all of your children's friends - trust me. And usually, if the child is not a nice person, your child will figure it out on her own. I'm guessing that if you liked E, you wouldn't have a problem, even though she's not in your dd's class. My kids invite children from other classes to parties all of the time. Maybe they were in their class last year, maybe they play at recess, maybe they hang out together on the bus.

You seem to dislike this child so much, that you would punish your dd for inviting her by allowing her to only invite 1 child to the party, or cancel the party altogether. I guess I never met a 6 year old (and I've met my share!) that was such a monster, that I couldn't stand to have her at my house for a couple of hours, if my dd wanted her there. I currently have a 6 year old ds, and he and his buddies can be nuts!

 

[mjmoon]

If DD2 had a good friend that wasn't in her class, but was genuinely considered a "good" kid, would you ban her from using one of her 4 picks on said friend?

I see this as a bunch of silly drama because DD2 and you don't like "E". You're splitting hairs on the "4 people from your class only" thing. One thing I agree with you on is it's very mean to invite a little girl to a party one day and uninvite her the next, whether it's a formal invite or not. But I also don't think you handled it very well telling her that she could only invite her and no other children. You kind of forced her hand there. <--I guess that is where I'm most bothered by this.

Wouldn't you be upset if one of your daughters came off the bus excited about a birthday party one day and upset the next because her friend's mom doesn't want her there?

 

[JodyLynC]

I think many of you are missing this part. E is in DD2's class and has bullied her. DD2 does not want to invite her to the party for this and other reasons. I don't think it is right for DD1 to invite a girl who is not in her class and is a known bully to DD2. It is DD2's party as well. Why should she be made to feel uncomfortable?

DD1 says she E is her friend, but they do not play together at recess. They do not interact together except on the 5 minute bus ride to and from school. The time that they went to a friend's b-day party and saw E's behavior, DD1 told me that E was mean and she was glad she wasn't in her class.

I guess I am just flabbergasted that DD1 would invite a girl who she herself has called mean, who has bullied her sister.

 

[JodyLynC]

If DD2 had a good friend that wasn't in her class, but was genuinely considered a "good" kid, would you ban her from using one of her 4 picks on said friend?

I see this as a bunch of silly drama because DD2 and you don't like "E". You're splitting hairs on the "4 people from your class only" thing. One thing I agree with you on is it's very mean to invite a little girl to a party one day and uninvite her the next, whether it's a formal invite or not. But I also don't think you handled it very well telling her that she could only invite her and no other children. You kind of forced her hand there. <--I guess that is where I'm most bothered by this.

Wouldn't you be upset if one of your daughters came off the bus excited about a birthday party one day and upset the next because her friend's mom doesn't want her there?

I wouldn't have a problem with either DD inviting someone from another class except for the fact that E tries to bully DD2. I skimmed over the "you can only invite E only" part above, but there was a lot more to the conversation than that.

 

[mjmoon]

Maybe DD1 sees something in "E" that others don't. Maybe she's trying to be nice. Maybe she wanted to make her sister mad.. Who knows! Kids are funny that way.. one day they hate someone the next they are best friends.

If DD1 likes "E" and wants her at the party, why should DD2 trump DD1? You can go back and forth on that one forever. I wouldn't put up with bullying from the kid.. and would bring it to the attention of her mother if that begins to happen. I know if my kids were bullying others I'd put a stop to it immediately. E's parents may not have a clue that she is mistreating other children. That is something that needs to be nipped in the bud now while she's still young.

Maybe I'm a bleeding heart.. but I try to see the best in little ones.. and it's so rarely their fault they behave that way.

 

[Benducci]

She was not invited with a written invite so it doesn't count- do you know how many playdates & invitations my girls have received verbally over the years? When they come home & tell me, I tell them, when we see it in writing, then it counts.
I would not sweat it. Talk to DD! and explain that this little girl will not be attending the party & she is free to invite 4 children from HER class and HER class only. And then drop it - don't let the subject linger, she will move on.

 

[Nancyg56]

I guess I am just flabbergasted that DD1 would invite a girl who she herself has called mean, who has bullied her sister.

She is inviting her becasue she is a little girl. She is not old enough to hold back some impetuous behavior.

If you do not want E in your home then you need to explain to your DD that you are the parent and you get the final say for each invite. I do not understand the punishment imposed on your DD. Simply say the the party is small, each child may invite 4 friends from class and let it go.

 

[mjmoon]

Oh, and I'm a twin too! My twin and his friends were always mean to me.. and me and my friend's pretty much snubbed them (the whole boy/girl dynamic). That is something you may encounter as your girls grow up.. they're bound to have friends that don't like each other. It's too bad that starts so early though!

 

[JodyLynC]

I didn't expect all this drama yet at this age. I thought we had a few years yet!

 

[gladstoneganderfan]

I didn't read the whole thread, but here's my 2 cents. I can't tell you how many times my DD's have come home & said, "So and so invited me to their party". If I don't see an actual invitation in hand, I don't even think about it.

We even had one girl at church "invite" her whole class to her birthday party. Small problem, it wasn't her birthday & her Mom had no idea she was having a party!

I wouldn't worry about it. I would mail out the invite to who you want to be there. And I would instruct my DD's to keep their mouths shut about the party at school & on the bus.

Hugs to you. My best friends growing up were identical twins. As their Mom used to say, double the fun, double the drama!

 

[MegaDisney]

Let E come to the party, but request that one of her parents come with her. Problem solved.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

As a teacher of that age group, I have to say that I think your daughter has a kind heart, and that while her choice of words and location are not the greatest, the fact that she at 5 is mature and perceptive enough to recognize that this is a LITTLE CHILD who is struggling to make friends, and who needs opportunities to connect and model from others, not to be excluded. Your daughter's impulse needs to be celebrated not punished.

Kindergarten is the time to turn a bully around by inviting them into the fold and teaching them the right way to do things. Not to ostracize them, and bully them in return, doing that just sets them up for a school career filled of repeating the behavior.

 

[JodyLynC]

As a teacher of that age group, I have to say that I think your daughter has a kind heart, and that while her choice of words and location are not the greatest, the fact that she at 5 is mature and perceptive enough to recognize that this is a LITTLE CHILD who is struggling to make friends, and who needs opportunities to connect and model from others, not to be excluded. Your daughter's impulse needs to be celebrated not punished.

Kindergarten is the time to turn a bully around by inviting them into the fold and teaching them the right way to do things. Not to ostracize them, and bully them in return, doing that just sets them up for a school career filled of repeating the behavior.

I appreciate your response as it does shed some light on why DD1 would invite someone who makes her sister uncomfortable. I am hoping that this is the case. I am probably going to arrange for a separate playdate for DD1 and E and see how it goes from there.

Another PP suggested inviting one parent to the party. Unfortunately, I have seen this parent at school functions and the other b-day party when E has been acting out. The parent usually responds with a weak "Honey, we don't do that."