Birthday Gift Etiquette?

[IMGONNABE40!]

I hear you doxdogy. Can you say "party over"? DS would be sending several UNvitations if he ever pulled anything like that.

 

[tlgoblue]

Originally posted by Sandy V.
tlgoblue, will you please let us know how this turns out? I am very curious to know if your son's "friend" came up with this harebrained idea on his own, or if his parents had a hand in it (I would suspect not, but nothing surprises me!). Thanks!

Mini update:
I had a very frank discussion with DS about this whole affair. Explained how rude it was, and how he was not raised to behave like that. I told him that if he went to this party, he would be giving him a gift card for the sum of 20 dollars, and not a cent more. He is to return the $$ to his friend with an explanation of why.

As to whether or not his parents had a hand in it, I would say indirectly. He is an only child of a blended family, with a much older half brother. His parents have told me that he is spoiled. Well, I think all kids are spoiled to certain degree, so that part doesn't bother me too much. He is not rotten. He is usually very polite, a straight A honors student, goes to church, and does volunteer work for the community. (Which is the main reason I was so flabberghasted! I thought I knew these people well enough to make certain assumptions.) I think his parents think he is doing all they expect of him, and therefore give him all their means can afford. I also think they treat this child as if he were an adult, and he is just very naive. I don't think he has a clue about social skills (very few of DS's friends do. I'm sure they have all been rescued from the Island of Misfit Toys. This goes way beyond the normal akwardness of adolescence.)

I will be watching this relationship very closely. DS, is just beginning to socialize after living in this forsaken town for 4 years, and I don't want to isolate him. On the other hand, I could see this child being one of those polite children who is one sneaky little b******, too. I'm sure DS will give his friend a "My Mom said..." speech and I will see how it goes when he gets home from school today. He and I are going to the gym and I'll get the info out of him then. I trust DS for the most part, but when things like this happen, I really pull back on the reigns, until I see a sign from the kids, that they finally "get it" So, I am taking this one day at a time. I would not be surprised to get a call from this child apololgising for the "misunderstanding." I am sure they never even considered their actions as anything other than just trying to help. They are, after all, just dumb kids! I have been able to step back and see this as another in a long string of adolescent bumbles. I have even checkled over it a few times. (Mostly after I descided how I was going to handle it!)

Thanks for all the input. Man you guys are tough! (Underwear! )

Keep the Faith!
Tracy

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

I'm speechless too!! I would have called the Mom that very minute and asked her if she knew that's what her son was doing. If that were my child, I would be mortified!! And if she wasn't, you know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! If she agrees with her son, I would have DS give back the little boy's money and there is no way in heck I would let him go to the party.

Also, God forbid I should ever find out one of my children acted like that, that would have been the end of that birthday party for his friends, we would have a nice little (just us) family gathering and that would be the end of that!!!!!

UNBELIEVABLE!!! You are not out of touch!! I am in shock!!

 

[momof2OH]

A good manners book would do him some good! Even for that age, it was rude! My DS just turned 13 in Feb and we had a party for him at our local bowling alley. Invited 15 people and only 1 showed up and she got him NOTHING!! I was shocked! My DS didn't say anything, but you could tell he was very hurt.

I just can't believe some kids these days and their parents!!!

Good Luck with your situation!!

 

[ckr]

We're all seeing this from the eyes of experienced adults. C'mon these are kids!! Bumbling, fumbling, trying-to-figure-out-social-skills kids!! I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that this kid was a spoiled brat. His plan really is more efficient. And he didn't say the kid couldn't come if he didn't spend what was expected of him.

Chalk it up to one of those "I'm glad I survived the teenage years" episodes. Her son (and I'd guess his friends) now know that this is not acceptable behavior. Isn't that what growing up is about? LEARNING right from wrong?

I'd do just as the OP is doing. Laugh and be thankful it wasn't something stupid AND dangerous. If this is as bad as it gets, you've got it GOOD!!

 

[Stepharoonie!]

I've gotta tell you, if I ever pulled a stunt like that when I was a kid, I would have been grounded forever!

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

C'mon these are kids!! Bumbling, fumbling, trying-to-figure-out-social-skills kids!!

He doesn't sound too bumbling and fumbling to me. Any child that age that EXPECTS a person to buy him a $50 game for his birthday, seems to have it all figured out. I certainly wouldn't perpetuate the problem by getting it for him, even if it meant going on Ebay and buying a used one for him.

 

[ckr]

I guess I read it differently. He's been asked what he'd like and he told them. To come up with a plan so he won't have duplicates or get stuff he doesn't want, while admittedly not socially graceful, seems very smart.

But that's if I read it as being an innocent solution to a problem every gift receiver faces. Miss Manners calls it a "Registry" and it's considered "efficient". Either way it's a "Give Me" list. And (unlike brides/grooms) I doubt the boys had any idea how much the games cost or if he was asking for too expensive a gift.

JMHO

 

[KathyTX]

Wow! You guys ARE tough!

I agree that this would be highly rude behavior from an adult. And I would be MORTIFIED if my son were to dictate to his friends what gifts to buy.

BUT- this is a 13 year old boy! These guys are still learning how to act now. We have lots of 10 and 11 year old boys in and out of our house all the time. For many of them, their social manners are very much in the early development stages. It sounds like your son and the birthday kid speak the very open and direct language of early teen boys, not the socially correct dialect of seasoned adults.

If this were me, I would give DS whatever amount of money I felt appropriate to use for the gift, and then let him decide what to get his friend... If that means supplementing your money from his own allowance or using the friend's contribution toward his own gift, so what?

It sounds like these kids are having fun planning. I'm with the OP- let the kids do the planning, tell them what you'll contribute, teach the lessons about manners with humor, and just be glad YOU survived those awkward growing years!

 

[Kallison]

Wow unbelievable. I have three kids, I try to spend between $10-15. I usually shop sales and put them away down the basement, such as when Toys R Us has the buy one get one games. For really good friends, or for DS 13's friends (he has three that he always goes to their parties) I usually spend more. Last birthday for DS13 friend down the street I bought what I thought were nice two way radios for $25. I got DS a set too so they could call each other. I asked DS a few days ago why they never use them to page each other, he said Oh his brother broke them, he breaks everything! My other DS 11 told his friend he would buy him a $25 under the glass Wilson basketball so I felt like I had to order it, but he is a good friend so I didn't mind spending a little more.

 

[Sandy V.]

I don't think that the boy needs to have anyone jump down his throat on this, but he does need some "gentle" instruction on just how inappropriate this was.

The OP says that "the birthday boy has asked all the invitees for specific items so he won't get any doubles and have to return anything!" NO WAY am I going to shrug this off to growing pains and "great efficiency" (geesh) when it appears to me on the surface that this kid is more interested in "presents" than anyone's "presence" at his party. When I was a kid, it was a honor to have a birthday party and invite your friends over. I thought the important part was having a great time at the event, not the "haul" you raked in.

 

[pjlla]

After my children's first birthday parties, anytime we had a family birthday party, the invitations I sent very clearly read....NO GIFTS PLEASE! I tried hard to explain to my kids as they got older that since everyone took a day from their busy schedules and drove a few hours to our house and then spent the day with us, that their "presence" was a "present"!! They got used to the idea quickly. But when they have parties with friends I do allow gifts. But whenever anyone asks what my child might want, I strongly encourage nothing over $10..... I do give specifics whenever I can think of something, but I certainly make sure that it is an under $10 item..........................P