Betrayal

[RitaZ.]

I couldn't get over that. I would drop him like a hot potato. There is no marriage and no children to consider. I wouldn't be interested in putting any effort or energy into salvaging or rebuilding the relationship. He can keep his guilt and continue to do what he likes. I would want nothing to do with him. See ya! That's what I would do anyway.

OP, . Stop torturing yourself with the pictures. Don't look at them again. I know you said that he used protection, but I would get a thorough examination just to be sure. Condoms don't offer 100% protection. Be kind to yourself.

 

[kim929]

To clarify, the prostitutes did not happen on the trip. The pics were date stamped Aug of 2008, one year into our relationship. And he did use protection. That part is very clear.

Was he taking the pictures, or was there a 3rd party in the room taking the pictures? who keeps pics on their camera for a year? How do you know it was a hooker? I've known some women who acted like hookers but weren't.

 

[Took]

Call a lawyer for what? They're not married.

My advice to the OP is to decide for yourself if you want to spend a significant amount of your life with this man. It is your decision and your decision only. You are in a fortunate place where you haven't made any firm commitments that are legal and binding.

If being married to a doctor and the financial stability and bragging rights is more important to you than his infidelities, then marry him. If the infidelities are going to be an emotional issue with you that will tear you apart, then don't marry him. If you do marry him and there are children, know that you will be tied to this man for the rest of your or your children's lives no matter what.

You know, I will only add a quote from my elderly mother which has stayed with me for years: "Never marry for money. You can steal it cheaper."

What she meant is that you give up an important part of your emotional and romantic life when you marry for money, a part that probably isn't worth selling.

Of course, I'm aware that individual situations vary, but IMO, a man who cheats, regardless of his other "good" qualities, is just not worth having around. There are worse things than remaining single.

Just my TCW.

Took

PS Trust your instincts here, OP. This is almost certainly not the man for you.

 

[tomthebarncat]

Have to disagree on this one. I have worked in hospitals since 1981. At every hospital I have ever worked in, there has been cheating going on. Some has been just casual s*x while others have been breaking up two marriages, dumping the exs and kicking the kids to the curb, just so the two cheaters can be together.

Almost every place I've worked has also had some skanky girl who sleeps around for sport, not caring if her latest conquest has a wife and family. Typically, the cheater guys know who she is and want in on the action. Over the years there have been multiple babies that actually were fathered by some other guy but the husband has no clue. That's my experience in more than 6 hospitals in two different states.

The skanky girl cost my ex (military officer/MD/PHD) 100 grand in cash, as that is how much it cost him to stop me from walking into the hospital commanders office and blowing the whistle and taking down two military careers with it. When I confronted the young woman, her response was "It was more fun when he was married". I was shocked and told her that her parents should be so proud that they raised a lady of questionable morals. Anyway,that was my experience of being married to a doctor for over 10 years was: that hospitals are incestous and insidious!! and cheaters are given free reign to go out and play!! as I saw it happen to all my ex's colleagues.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

Go see a doctor and go again in six months. Maybe he is wearing a condom in those pics but who knows what he has been doing behind your back. A friend of mine has herpes because of an ex who was seeing prostitutes. She found out when the police came to the door because his credit card showed up in an investigation. It's not worth finding out the hard way. You have your health to think about.

Get your hands on whatever you can...the pictures...cell phone records...financial stuff. I am going to assume you were living together? If so, for how long? Where I live that is considered "commonlaw" and the property division rules apply. If there is what is considered marital property then go see a lawyer or go see one anyway for the free consultation and find out where you stand.

Go for counselling to help yourself move forward. It is going to take a lot of work to get through this and you want to emerge strong and healthy. Then you may be ready to start dating again. But deal with all of this first.

Who cares if he isn't talking to you. He is the cause of the problem and he will have to figure out how to deal with it. If he is living with you then kick him out. I realize you love him and are VERY hurt but nobody deserves to be treated like he treated you. There is a better life out there for you. If your parents love him they will quickly change their minds once they hear about his middle of the night encounters.

 

[lisaviolet]

to you.

And I know this doesn't help your pain right now. But this is a blessing in disguise. And you'll know that after you've worked through your pain. Absolutely. His reaction is what I'm talking about the most. That reaction = a marriage never ever working in my mind. And a man - or wpman - that is going outside the relationship before marriage. Blessing to find out now. Ie. I would run.

Regardless, I'm so sorry. All the best to you.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Oh this is horrible. I have to say I think this is in no way an accident. Some people like to run around and a marriage works best when the person they are married to will accept it for the sake of_______. I dated a guy who liked to run around before I was with my DH and I walked away because I knew it would make me positively miserable to live like that... but no doubt there are women who don't mind or care. I think your BF knew the pictures were there, he must keep them around to look at otherwise why keep them at all, much less ask you to accidentally/on purpose find them and who on earth forgets something like that? To be perfectly honest it sounds to me like he is negotiating for what you will or will not put up with when you are married. If you tolerate it and forgive him he will expect you to do so in the future, regardless of what words come out of your mouth... a second chance means a third will come and a fourth and so on.

Beware he's going to tell you it was a mistake and he'll never do it again... of course he'll say that, what else would he say?

I guess it all boils down to whether or not you can live with this behavior, if you can then marry him, if you can't then don't. When I went through dealing with a womanizer this simple question was the only one that really mattered.

 

[Liberty Belle]

To clarify, the prostitutes did not happen on the trip. The pics were date stamped Aug of 2008, one year into our relationship. And he did use protection. That part is very clear.

Even with protection he could have caught herpes or other things. I'd still go get yourself checked out.

I'm so sorry. That must have been just a devastating shock. He's probably feeling humiliation right now and that's why he won't talk to you. If you think you want to salvage the relationship, I'd give him a little time and then call and ask if you can talk about it. If you don't want to salvage the relationship, let him go.

He could have a sex addiction or something like that which would make it hard for him to stop these behaviors without therapy.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Call a lawyer for what? They're not married.

My advice to the OP is to decide for yourself if you want to spend a significant amount of your life with this man. It is your decision and your decision only. You are in a fortunate place where you haven't made any firm commitments that are legal and binding.

If being married to a doctor and the financial stability and bragging rights is more important to you than his infidelities, then marry him. If the infidelities are going to be an emotional issue with you that will tear you apart, then don't marry him. If you do marry him and there are children, know that you will be tied to this man for the rest of your or your children's lives no matter what.

I know it's difficult dealing with betrayal, but you must find a way and decide how you're going to live your life. That's the best advice I can give you at this moment.

Actually, I have more advice: ask the moderators to delete this thread. If you wind up marrying this man after making an admission of this kind, the people who've read this thread will be hounding you mercilessly for years, bringing up his infidelity and their low opinions of you for staying with him over and over again until you finally slink off from the DIS in shame. I've seen this happen too many times with other posters.

Bragging rights? Could it be she is in love with the man and not the idea that he is a doctor? That is what I'd automatically assume, not that she wants bragging rights about being married to a doctor.

 

[Pugdog007]

Was he taking the pictures, or was there a 3rd party in the room taking the pictures? who keeps pics on their camera for a year? How do you know it was a hooker? I've known some women who acted like hookers but weren't.

He was taking the pictures. Trust me, they're hookers. He's already tried to say they were "running buddies." Runners don't have sores all over them, track marks on their arms and don't look strung out. These are not healthy people.

And for those thinking this has anything to do with money, it doesn't. We've been together for 2 years and he's never given me a dime. I pride myself on being self-sufficient. I just love him, that's all.

 

[Octoberbride03]

To clarify, the prostitutes did not happen on the trip. The pics were date stamped Aug of 2008, one year into our relationship. And he did use protection. That part is very clear.

Dr. or not condoms fail nearly 10% of the time due to various reasons. They are not the panacea Planned Parenthood makes them out to be. Go get yourself tested for anything and everything. I'm sorry your husband did this to you. Now KICK HIS BUT OUT!!!

 

[horseshowmom]

I have to agree with the poster who quoted, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

I also agree that he may be a sex addict (particularly after reading about the sores and track marks ).

I also think it's very unlikely that this "documented" incident is the only time this happened (regardless of what he may say). This is likely just the only time you actually found out.

I feel so bad for you and know that you must be going through a terrible time right now.

I seldom tell people that what to do because I'm not walking in their shoes, but in this case, I really believe you need to end this relationship. His reaction to your finding out just reinforces my thoughts.

Again, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

 

[teacups]

He was taking the pictures. Trust me, they're hookers. He's already tried to say they were "running buddies." Runners don't have sores all over them, track marks on their arms and don't look strung out. These are not healthy people.

And for those thinking this has anything to do with money, it doesn't. We've been together for 2 years and he's never given me a dime. I pride myself on being self-sufficient. I just love him, that's all.

If you can still say you love him... you need some other kind of help than we can give here. You will need to find a clinic where you can get checked every 6 months for the rest of your life. You will need good insurance to pay for the treatments you will eventually end up needing. You will need a therapist who will take your calls at all hours. You will need good birth control so you never have to expalin to your daughter that she should not be treated this way. You will need friends who dont question it becasue you will be too ashamed to talk about it. You will need some kind of self defense abilites becaue sooner or later some strung out skank will come looking for you maybe with a few dirty faced children who need child support becasue mom is dying of a disease.

Lord help you if you take that path.
Please consider the kind of future you want.

 

[Pugdog007]

If you can still say you love him... you need some other kind of help than we can give here. You will need to find a clinic where you can get checked every 6 months for the rest of your life. You will need good insurance to pay for the treatments you will eventually end up needing. You will need a therapist who will take your calls at all hours. You will need good birth control so you never have to expalin to your daughter that she should not be treated this way. You will need friends who dont question it becasue you will be too ashamed to talk about it. You will need some kind of self defense abilites becaue sooner or later some strung out skank will come looking for you maybe with a few dirty faced children who need child support becasue mom is dying of a disease.

Lord help you if you take that path.
Please consider the kind of future you want.

There's no need to be so dramatic. I never said I was staying with him, I said I still love him and feel betrayed. He's had a vasectomy so there's no chance of children.

 

[bethy]

I couldn't get over that. I would drop him like a hot potato. There is no marriage and no children to consider. I wouldn't be interested in putting any effort or energy into salvaging or rebuilding the relationship. He can keep his guilt and continue to do what he likes. I would want nothing to do with him. See ya! That's what I would do anyway.

OP, . Stop torturing yourself with the pictures. Don't look at them again. I know you said that he used protection, but I would get a thorough examination just to be sure. Condoms don't offer 100% protection. Be kind to yourself.

Ditto to this. No marriage? And no children? I'd drop him and never look back.

 

[npmommie]

He was taking the pictures. Trust me, they're hookers. He's already tried to say they were "running buddies." Runners don't have sores all over them, track marks on their arms and don't look strung out. These are not healthy people.

And for those thinking this has anything to do with money, it doesn't. We've been together for 2 years and he's never given me a dime. I pride myself on being self-sufficient. I just love him, that's all.

Is this a joke? honestly you are describing him as being a doctor who is knowingly sleeping with prostitutes with track marks and sores???? and taking pictures of it???
who is that sick? i guess some are but you would think he would have the money to at least go for the high priced escorts who are tested, not someone off the street.

If I were you my first stop monday morning would be the docs office for std and hiv testing . and do it every 6 months for at LEAST 1 year, at least.
actually you should test, then again in 3 months then 6 months then again in 6 months. if all is clear you should be ok, but honestly, I would be running to be tested.

If you can still say you love him... you need some other kind of help than we can give here.

agree with this.
I truly hope you are ok thru all of this mentally and physically.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am sorry that you love him and feel betrayed. I hate that feeling of betrayal.

Please get yourself to a doctor and explain your situation...that you thought you were in a monogamous relationship and have recently found out that you were not and you are now concerned about STDs because you know that your (ex?)BF slept with prostitutes. A good Gyn doctor will be able to direct your care and what you need to do and how you need to follow up.

As far as what to do about him...well, that's entirely up to you. I would leave, because he has proven himself to be a cheater, and with skanky hookers no less. But that's me. I would not trust him again, so there would be no need for me to continue my involvement with him, but that's me.

As far as how to get over it, get beyond it...you just do. You get up in the morning, you go to work, maybe you decide to do something different (go to a gym, join a group, take up a hooby) to take up the time you used to spend with him...effectively, you need to erase him from your life. It can be done, it takes effort on your part.

As far as him and his reaction...well, of course he's not speaking to you and trying to make it seem like you did something wrong. He's a skank and he got snagged.

I read this somewhere...maybe here on the DIS:

"You either live through it or die from it. You choose".

It's a good mantra.

 

[Serena]

I am so sorry your heart is hurting.

There are really no words that will make the hurt go away, make him a better man, make the pictures not be real.

I agree that he did want you to find out and hoped you would let him get by with it and stay with him. When you reacted like any reasonable person would, he got a shock and is not happy. He thought he could get by with this and take your self-respect and flush it down the drain.

I hear about guys like that, they start out beautifully, and once they think they have you, they start the crap little by little until you have no self worth left.
Luckily you don't sound like you are going to be one of those women.

Nothing but time will get you through this, and maybe one day you will look back and almost thank him for him showing his true colors before you married him.

 

[Maleficent13]

I have to say I am amazed at those who think she can just turn off her emotions in a 24 hour period. Two days ago, she had no reason (that she knew of) not to love this guy; yesterday she did. You really think she can snap her fingers and all the feelings will just go away? Give her a break, please. She's dealing with an almost surreal set of circumstances here.

OP, luck and strength to you. Take care of yourself.

 

[horseshowmom]

I have to say I am amazed at those who think she can just turn off her emotions in a 24 hour period. Two days ago, she had no reason (that she knew of) not to love this guy; yesterday she did. You really think she can snap her fingers and all the feelings will just go away? Give her a break, please. She's dealing with an almost surreal set of circumstances here.

OP, luck and strength to you. Take care of yourself.

I agree. I do think she needs to get out of the relationship, but I think it's unreasonable to expect her to sort through it all that fast. Certainly, she should feel anger and betrayal, but the love doesn't just disappear that fast. I suspect she's also dealing with questioning her own judgement after discovering she was so wrong about who this man is (not that she should be, it's just a normal reaction). OP, just remember this is his problem (sadly, it does affect you as well though).