Believing in Santa Clause/Buying Gifts

[srobinet]

I have 2 granddaughters ages 9 1/2 and 10/1/2 by Christmas time. I am their guardian and they live with me and have for most of their life. Sometimes their mom is living with us sometimes not. She has substance abuse issues with RX. The girls are upset right now that their mom is not with us.

Their mom in years past has gone overboard buying presents from Santa/herself.

I am on a limited budget and can't afford to spend $200 for one present (IPOD or other electronic devices). The 9 year old ask the other day if Santa was real. I said to her what do you think? I neither confirmed or denied the existence of Santa. She got really upset teared up and insisted he was real. The 10 year old also said he was real. I don't want to come right out and continue lying about Santa but don't know how to explain that I have to buy the gifts either. The 10 year old knows there is no Easter Bunny announced it last year but kept it to herself. Knowing this I figure she knows about Santa also but does want to admit it yet. At what age did your kids stop believing in Santa? How do I explain about buying things that Santa is supposed to bring.

I think she needs the Santa myth to continue for a little while longer since her life is in turmoil over her mother. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[MomToOne]

That's a hard one. Ultimately, you probably know those kids better than anyone else, and what they need and don't need. Trust your gut.

That said, I can tell you how I told my daughter, if that would be any help. I explained the story of St. Nicholas, and how that grew into Santa Claus and parents giving of gifts anonymously to their children out of love - that helps counteract the "you lied to me!" reaction some children have. I then told DD that she was now in on the "great Santa secret" and it was her job to help keep the magic for younger kids. I focused on what an honor it was to be in on the secret, and how it came with certain responsibilities to keep the tradition alive and not to ruin it for children who still believed. She really took to it all and it made her feel special to be entrusted with the information. She has always been very, very careful what she says around young children as a result. Her very positive reaction to it all has shown me that telling kids there is no Santa does not have to be upsetting to them, it can actually make them feel very important and special. But I also know the same approach with another child could have backfired and they could still be made - each child is just so different.

Since your 10 year old sounds like she is very suspicious and questioning things, it might be time to tell her. I think DD was 10 when I told her.

Good luck on whatever you decide!

 

[NutcrackerPrincess]

I agree with PP - I would be inclined to explain the origin of the Santa Claus story and explain that Santa Claus is a symbol. I like the Yes, Virginia editiorial (you can read this at http://www.nysun.com/editorials/yes-virginia/68502/).

I would also sit down and watch Miracle on 34th Street with her/them and point out Kris Kringle's line: I'm not just a whimsical figure who wears a charming suit and affects a jolly demeanor. "You know, I... I... I'm a symbol. I'm a symbol. I'm a symbol of the human ability to be able to suppress the selfish and hateful tendencies that rule the major part of our lives. If... you can't believe, if you can't accept anything on faith, then you're doomed for a life dominated by doubt."

Ask the child if they know that you love them. They should say yes. Then ask how they know that you love them. This can be hard for the child to explain (refer to the Yes Virginia editorial). Whatever example they come up with, say that the action/example is a symbol of your love (supply your own examples if the child is stumped).

Explain that some concepts are hard to explain (love, hope, faith, etc), and that because we struggle to explain them, we use symbols (i.e. wedding ring, crucifix, etc.). The spirit of Christmas is man's ability to transcend self-interest and to consider the wants and needs of others. For children, especially, this can be hard to understand, so we use the symbol of Santa Claus, a man whose actions embodied that Christmas spirit, to help children to understand. When the child is old enough to understand and be treated with a grown up understanding of the idea, they have a corresponding responsibility to maintain the symbol for children who are still too young to understand what the symbol stands for and means.

I hated the idea of being lied to as a child. I would have accepted an explanation of symbolism and as PP says, an explanation that acknowledges the maturity of the child and their inclusion in the Christmas symbolism conspiracy should eliminate any feelings of betrayal.

Ask if the child understands that the spirit of Christmas means putting the wants and needs of others first. Then explain to the child that, like everyone, your family is on a budget, and that you would love to get the child everything they want, but that you have a budget. Tell the child what the dollar limit you have is, then let the child make a wish list of things that are within that limit.

If all of the above is too much for your grandchildren (in your opinion), then write a letter from Santa explaining that as there are more and more children in the world every year, Santa has to work within a budget (specify the amount). Then Santa can ask that they reply with a list as above. The child can then continue to believe, but understand that there is a financial cap on what they can expect from Santa. The list also lets you comparison shop and hopefully find a bargain on what you want to get for the child in sales leading up to Christmas.

I hope this is helpful to you - good luck with a difficult situation and bless you for stepping up when those kids needed you.

 

[SC Minnie]

With DD20 we always told her Santa only brought 3 things, everything else came from us. The 3 things she could ask Santa for had to be approved by us because they weren't free. We had to pay Santa for them. We live in a higher socio-economic area and there were many times DD's friends were getting really expensive gifts from Santa that we either couldn't afford or didnt' think were appropriate for her age-- a laptop at 6 for example.

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

That's pretty old to still believe in Santa Claus. I wonder if the girls are clinging to this belief because of the uncertainties in their life with their mom. They are so lucky to have you as a stable influence. If they aren't in any type of therapy, it might be helpful to consider this for them, not because they still believe, but to help them understand they aren't responsible for Mom's issues and to help them deal with their feelings.

 

[marmalade]

That's pretty old to still believe in Santa Claus. I wonder if the girls are clinging to this belief because of the uncertainties in their life with their mom. They are so lucky to have you as a stable influence. If they aren't in any type of therapy, it might be helpful to consider this for them, not because they still believe, but to help them understand they aren't responsible for Mom's issues and to help them deal with their feelings.

This might be the case, but my kids are 8 and 9 and have a happy life living with both their parents and both fully believe in Santa.

When they ask for extravagant pricey things, I tell them I have to give Santa the money to get their gifts and I can only afford so much. I say Santa has so many kids to give gifts to that by us giving him money helps him have more toys for the kids whose parents don't have the money to give him.

 

[undertheradar]

Each of our 3 kids awoke to the true spirit of SC around age 6. That was 11 years ago for my youngest, I can't imagine that kids aren't being exposed to the "magical spirit" of SC at younger ages. I believe that kids today are wiser than they let on.

 

[MomToOne]

Each of our 3 kids awoke to the true spirit of SC around age 6. That was 11 years ago for my youngest, I can't imagine that kids aren't being exposed to the "magical spirit" of SC at younger ages. I believe that kids today are wiser than they let on.

I found it really depends on the school the kids go to, and how many older kids they hang out with, both in and out of school. In my daughters case, her classmates that knew Santa wasn't real were told by their parents not discuss it with their classmates or other kids at school. And they followed that rule - there was little to no discussion of it at school - it was a sort of "don't ask, don't tell" approach. It was just that sort of school - it probably helped that there was a wide range of religious backgrounds and so the school didn't call much attention to Christmas in classes. It also helped that it was a smaller school, that really put emphasis on the older kids watching out for and being sensitive to the needs of the younger kids and the kids were always mixed together.

So in DDs case, she didn't learn about Santa Claus from a classmate. She came about on her own questioning it, from inconsistencies in stories, differences in how families celebrated, etc. I covered up some of that with some really creative explanations but eventually it became obvious that even those weren't enough any more and it was time to tell her. But she was far past 6 when it became that time - it was at 10 I believe, possibly 9.

 

[Airship Ariadne]

I think at their age, as Christmas gets closer, the other friends might start really pushing the belief...this happened with DD at that age. A lot of kids like to ruin it for their friends.

We got one extra year out of telling her "of course Jill's parents buy her her Santa gifts, Santa doesn't come if you don't believe in him and they don't want her to have nothing."

In the end, we had to confirm that it was all make-believe...but she got it that it was like many other things for kids, the "magic" was worth it. And that helped...we still put "Santa" gifts under the tree.

 

[ajwolfe]

My boys are 7 and 11. We have not had the discussion about Santa or any of the others - Easter bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc. I'm sure my oldest probably knows they aren't real but I see no reason to spoil it for the younger one and if he is content "believing" I see no reason to burst his bubble. Kids have to grow up to fast most of the time, imo, so why take away one of those childhood joys so fast.
Most of the parents in my kids grades are operating under the same thought process, so there really isn't the issue of anyone telling each other at school.
As far as your situation, I would continue to let them believe but maybe explain that since Santa has so many to buy for this year he will only be limited to 2 or 3 presents, etc. I surely hope that you do intend to purchase some sort of gifts regardless of if they are from you or Santa. If the cost is an issue and you cannot afford it, perhaps you should look into having your family "adopted" for Christmas. I coordinate this for my office and we always "adopt" a couple families during the holiday season.

 

[LJSquishy]

I was 7 when I found a Santa suit underneath my parents' bed and doubted Santa ever since, but still clung to the magical idea of it all. My parents to this day have never said Santa isn't real. We continued to receive gifts from Santa even after high school.

Why do you need to tell them? If they are old enough to doubt Santa's existence, you don't need to confirm it...they will either choose to still believe or not. I knew Santa wasn't real but the excitement of seeing what Santa brought was magical. Let the magic live.

Santa also doesn't need to bring expensive gifts or a lot of them. Buy what is in your budget and the kids won't even notice. Make some new traditions with them instead of focusing all on the gifts. Once we were 12 or so our tradition was to make orange rolls for breakfast (like cinnamon rolls) before opening gifts. Another tradition we always had was playing "mailman" where one person would hand out a gift to each person, open them, then the next person would hand a gift to everyone, etc. It makes gift opening stretch out a bit. Maybe you could start a tradition of giving the kids a new board game that after opening it you all play it together. Or bake sugar cookies the day before to set out for Santa (and carrots for the reindeer) but don't forget to nibble on them in the middle of the night!!!

 

[LJSquishy]

Think outside of the box with Santa gifts also...I mentioned a board game, but also perhaps Santa would like to give movie theater tickets for you to all see a movie on Christmas Day or another day...or even a new DVD to watch at home. Santa sometimes brought us expensive gifts, and other times they were smaller items but year to year I never felt tipped by Santa based on how many gifts I received or the cost of the item. Don't stress so much about it!

 

[cheap traveler]

This Christmas my girls will be 10 1/2 and 8, and they both insist they still believe. Last year it came up in school, and they talked about it at home, but they decided to keep believing. Now, that being said, I don't think the actually believe like a small child child does, more that they've made the choice to not let go of Santa gifts lol!

Now, ever since their lists started getting out of control a few years ago, asking for very expensive things and things I don't approve of (laptop, more AG dolls that we don't have room for, pillow pets when stuffed animals were outlawed bc of younger DD's asthma....) I immediately told them that Santa won't bring gifts that aren't allowed, bc he doesn't want anything to be taken away, and also that parent's have to pay Santa back for the gifts. Imagine how much Santa would have to spend every year!

This really helped keep their expectations under control. Santa brings 1 gift in our house, and the rest are from Mommy. Of course this year they are already trying to slip my boyfriend the crazy lists, but that will be stopped real quick!

Good luck! And with the upheaval in their lives, I would try to let them keep believing. They could use a little magic.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Here are my thoughts and how it has played out in our family. I refused to lie to the kids, and knew when they asked for the truth, I would tell them. Both had totally given up the belief by kindergarten without me telling them anything, BUT we still pretend. We have fun and it really did not change much. We always told the boys that Santa brought toys,,,and just toys. Not clothes and not electronics....sooooooo that way the cost could really be controlled. Now my boys have gotten a ton of non toy stuff for Christmas over the years, but its from us.....not Santa so they can't play the "santa will bring it card". I think your situation is harder. It's a lot more about trust and more bio-mom than you. It might be that they both really know but really want to think that mom will come through. Really a hard situation but I think I would come clean and do it now instead of closer to Christmas. YOU are the one that they count on to be that consistent person they trust and count on.

 

[ceecee]

That's pretty old to still believe in Santa Claus. I wonder if the girls are clinging to this belief because of the uncertainties in their life with their mom. They are so lucky to have you as a stable influence. If they aren't in any type of therapy, it might be helpful to consider this for them, not because they still believe, but to help them understand they aren't responsible for Mom's issues and to help them deal with their feelings.

My DD played along with us so I really don't know. I agree with the therapy issue. Jesus is the reason for the season!

 

[srobinet]

I appreciate everyone's comments and you had some great suggestions. I will most likely explain that Santa has a budget. I love the magic of believing and am glad that they still believe or in the case of the older one probably pretend that they do.

AJWOLF no worries, Santa will visit. I was not implying that I had no money for Santa just that Santa can't afford Kindles, IPODs every year and of course since they are so close in age they almost want the same thing. I was also wondering at what age children typically stop believing. I have family that helps and the kids get Christmas before any of the adults as it should be.

We are also going to focus more this year on the reason for the season. Their mother will help to some degree. She has been unemployed for almost a year due to issues mentioned so I am not counting on much.

I don't think I am doing anything special I can't fathom the ideal of someone having a grandchild and not stepping up to the plate. I love them like they were my own children. Thanks for taking the time to give me your opinions and for encouraging me.

 

[MinnieForMe]

With DD20 we always told her Santa only brought 3 things, everything else came from us. The 3 things she could ask Santa for had to be approved by us because they weren't free. We had to pay Santa for them. We live in a higher socio-economic area and there were many times DD's friends were getting really expensive gifts from Santa that we either couldn't afford or didnt' think were appropriate for her age-- a laptop at 6 for example.

We do the exact same thing. Santa only brings three gifts and they are not expensive gifts because he has so many children to give presents to. Santa does not make electronics in his workshop that comes from Mom/Dad if they can afford it that year.

My oldest son believed until he was 12. My youngest is 9 and is questioning. However, I will NEVER admit to being Santa. In our house, the motto is "If you don't believe, you don't receive". My teens are both very happy to keep their mouth shut especially since they have a younger sister and many younger cousins in order to still get those three additional presents.

 

[mrsabbott]

When we started having kids, Hubs and I debated on whether or not we would do the whole Santa thing. In the end, we felt it was a part of the magic of childhood. Neither of us feel betrayed or like our parents just lied to us. My oldest is kind of on the edge about whether she believes or not. I always say that Santa only exists and visits those who believe in him.

That said, Santa is a large part of our Christmas traditions, but we are also Christians and they know that we really celebrate Jesus' birth. Just like the Easter Bunny has nothing really to do with why we celebrate Easter.. it is just something extra that goes along with it. I do have friends who are highly opposed to doing either with the kids, but I also have friends who go to the extreme when it comes from gifts from Santa.

We have always done the same thing each year. Each child gets 3 gifts. One from Santa and two from us. They also get their stockings filled with goodies (usually candy, some lip gloss, new markers or pens, something like that..) We try to get them the gift they ask Santa for, the gifts from us are usually very practical. New PJ's, clothes, or something like that.

We don't usually have a lot of money and my children are used to me having to say "no, we can't do that" or "no, you can't have that" because it is too expensive. If you choose to continue with a gift from Santa, you may need to tell them that Santa doesn't give gifts like iPods or video games or things like that. Maybe take them down the toy aisle and let them look and decide from the things there what they would like to have.

 

[Fantastic4]

In our house Santa brings 1 gift and stocking stuff. They can "ask" for 3 things (mostly so they don't know exactly what they get but also so we can pick according to budget that year). You may be very surprised at their reaction getting something "smaller". We go overboard a lot. Last year we decided to keep it simple. They declared it the best Christmas yet. My kids are 9 and 7 and still believe.

 

[msmama]

Unfortunately, I think a lot of this is closing the barn door after the horse as you have precedent working against you. I don't know how to CHAGE Xams, really.

Santa brings 3-5 things at our house (depending on size/price of presents overall). He has special wrapping paper he uses (which is "hidden" in plain sight in my closet). Santa does not bring the best presents - that's saved for Mom (yes, I want the credit).

I'm over 35 and my mother still SWEARS that she saw Santa as a child so I was never actually given the Santa talk. Eventually I realized that Santa used the same wrapping paper that Mom used last year.

My guess is that they know, or at least suspect. I've always told my son that the Santa at the mall isn't the real one.

He thinks the idea of the Easter Bunny is ridiculous and knows that characters at WDW are people in costumes, but the Mickey at WDW is still the REAL Mickey, and he declared the Tooth Fairy VERY REAL once he lost his first tooth. I think at some point when their beliefs start to waiver they make up new ones that work for them.

Good luck!!