Being a mom is hard

[Suellen]

DD is dealing with this in Kindergarten. I can't believe it honestly. I thought she might be a little different than the other girls so I ordered her LLBean Pink and Green Backpack and lunch box. She still loves the Princesses and Tinkerbell and Mickey and Minnie... etc. All her friends at school are talking about Justin Beiber and Lady Gaga....????

It really sucks to see your little girl confused about what she loves and her friends making fun of her because of it.

My biggest concern is where these girls learn that behaviour? OR why they are not taught NOT to behave like that?

My girl is very sophisticated in certain areas ~ but I also don't expose her to things I find age inappropriate (lady gaga for a 5 year old?).

It is really, really hard to be a mom.

 

[castleview]

My third grader is in a group of "advanced" girls also…or as I explained to DD, the queen bee (who we know well) simply has no activities to do because her parents let her quit everything (didn't tell her the parent-quit part), so she has nothing better to do than act like she is on a Teen Nick show.

If she wants a new book bag, get it for her. Otherwise, try and organize play dates with other girls… there are still a few "little girls" in DD's class. I even got to a point where DD was instructed to stay away from the "popular" girls. The exhaustion that comes with some of these "friends" just isn't worth it.

 

[MoniqueU]

I feel for you. I have 2 girls 15 months apart. The almost 13 year old is young for her age. The 14 year old is ready and wanting to get on to highschool. Sam family different maturity levels. Each of them have made friends close to their maturity levels for the most part. I hope your dagher can make friends near hers though it was harder for my oldest to find kids in her comfort zone. She met them at water polo when she was 11 and the girls were 13 and 14. Putting my oldest in a sport with older kids was great for her. For my youngest daugher she has friends just in our neighborhood that are the babies of the family just like her. FWIW save the Tink backpack and lunch box for JR High! My oldest just ordered a star wars backpack sutible fore a pre school kid!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Her friends are wrong. There are so many teen and young 20 girls who LOVE Tinerbell, Hello Kitty, Any of the Princesses and wear them on their shirts, purses and cell phone skins. Find some older girls to let them know that your daughter is/should be their fashion leader. Take your daughter to Hot Topic-if you can stand all the skulls for the goth kids-there are many little girl themes repeated there for the older girls. It would be hilarious if she chose a skull decorated lunch box!!! What IS the politically correct 8yo girl apparel according to these young wenches?

Disney is huge among the Hot Topic/goth (are there still goth?) kids. I found 7 pages of "Disney" items on the Hot Topic website. OP's daughter isn't a baby, she's so cool she's years ahead of everyone else.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Agreed!

I had my DS14 first, and boys just are very different. They basically can eat bugs, stink, whatever, and the whole bunch ALWAYS got/get along. No competition, at least in my experience.

DD11 is incredible. I am sure she is no angel either, but girls are so catty, jealous, it is awful . It starts young, and personally I find it just gets worse and worse. You need some testosterone in the mix.

Oh it happens with boys too. I don't think it is AS common--but if your boy is not interested in the same things the others are (like not loving the sports team everyone does) or does some different things (mine dances) it can be torture--and they are less likely to turn back on a dime and go back to friendly the way girls do.

Her friends are wrong. There are so many teen and young 20 girls who LOVE Tinerbell, Hello Kitty, Any of the Princesses and wear them on their shirts, purses and cell phone skins. Find some older girls to let them know that your daughter is/should be their fashion leader. Take your daughter to Hot Topic-if you can stand all the skulls for the goth kids-there are many little girl themes repeated there for the older girls. It would be hilarious if she chose a skull decorated lunch box!!! What IS the politically correct 8yo girl apparel according to these young wenches?

Great point about what the teens are wearing.

DD is 10. She has had to deal with the same thing for the past 3 years.

But, DD really has learned to stand up for herself. We do lots of coaching on how to handle situations with other girls.

When someone made a comment about her wearing a Tigger sweatshirt and how could she possibly wear it she looked at them and said, "It's a good thing YOU are not wearing it then isn't it. I am because I like it." Add a little hair flip her and you have her in a nutshell.

We have also had her widen her circle of friends outside of BFF at school. I would question did your daughter's BFF really have a party or did she just say that because your DD was talking about a party she was not invited to and felt the need to "one up her"?

You may wish to broach the subject of people not always being truthful. My DD learned that early and it was very painful but she is very cautious about what her peers say to her and believing them.

Good luck!

I wondereed about the party thing too (did the girl just make that up on the spot because she felt left out of the party your DD is talking about?). I also agree with you that it is important for the kids to have true friends who are outside of the school circle. They tend to be much less prone to these ups and downs and provide some social stability.

 

[LaraK]

I also have an 8 year old. MAN what a dramatic change this year! I don't remember the pressure that young, but it was like a switch was thrown when they started third grade...it's brutal! Totally hear you!

My daughter stopped eating at one point because her "friends" said she was too fat. She's not (tall and lean, but athletically built....not a little petite stick). If they're telling her that, I can't imagine what the girls are saying to the little girls who do have a weight problem. My daughter and I had to have some very intense conversations about different body types before she would eat again.

 

[mhsjax]

Girls are hard, no way around it. I have one and she is almost 12. She is in with a great group of girls. I am also told that she is popular, but so are most of the girls that she hangs around with. I am very lucky in the fact that I am also friends with the mothers in her little group. We won't put up with any non sense and the girls know it. They also don't really know that they are considered popular they just are who they are. They had better not be mean to any one and know that if they are they will be a stiff price to pay.

I will also say that thankfully I am very aware of how it was when I was that age and unfortunately it hasn't changed. Kids will still get picked on because of what they wear. I love Disney and all things Disney, and not be be mean or excuse anyones behavior, but I knew going in that my DD would only be able to carry Disney related stuff for so long before it became a problem/ She actually outgrew that before it was a problem. If is wrong and I don't agree with it, but to make her life easier, I know that there are certain things that will bring about teasing, again, NOT RIGHT, but it is the way the world works, and last time I checked we do have to live in this world.

OP so sorry about everything your DD is going through, it stinks and yep girls can be nasty.

 

[aprilgail2]

. FWIW save the Tink backpack and lunch box for JR High! My oldest just ordered a star wars backpack sutible fore a pre school kid!

When my daughter was in 4th grade (8years old) she wouldn't have been caught dead with anything tink or disney on it--- well now comes 10 and in 6th grade and could not believe what they are wearing (including her!) to Jr. High---Cookie monster sweatshirts and hats are big as are cookie monster hats, puppy hats, and all other animal/monster hats. Cookie monster backpacks are also big--- Funny how it all turns around. 4th and 5th grades were tough because they were all wanting to be "cool" and not wear babyish things but in Jr. High its very different.
I was also at the high school recently and some of those big boys were wearing spiderman, batman and hulk backpacks LOL!!!

 

[mhsjax]

When my daughter was in 4th grade (8years old) she wouldn't have been caught dead with anything tink or disney on it--- well she is now 11 and in 6th grade and could not believe what they are wearing (including her!) to Jr. High---Cookie monster sweatshirts and hats are big as are cookie monster hats, puppy hats, and all other animal/monster hats. Cookie monster backpacks are also big--- Funny how it all turns around. 4th and 5th grades were tough because they were all wanting to be "cool" and not wear babyish things but in Jr. High its very different.
I was also at the high school recently and some of those big boys were wearing spiderman, batman and hulk backpacks LOL!!!

I guess it all depends on where you are, NO one here in my area will wear anything like that. Mine are in MS and they have friends in HS, and nope that isn't happening.

 

[traviesojmt]

I was thinking about the birthday party. Usually due to costs/number of kids, I always have my kids pick a group to invite to their party. For example, you can invite your class at school or your soccer team. I can't afford, nor have room, for both. Maybe this little girl at scouts did have a birthday party but only invited her class at school. This would be easy to explain to my daughter. When I was young, I remember having a party where I invited my entire girl scout troop but didn't invite my class. Just a thought. If the other girl scouts were invited but not your daughter, then I understand the hurt feelings.

I have a funny story regarding the varying degrees of girls "maturing". Sometime last year when my DD was in 1st grade, I was driving a group of girls during a field trip. I had my DD's Disney movie soundtracks cd (mostly princess movies) playing in the car. One of the other 1st grade girls asked in a kind of exasperated tone, "Don't you have any Miley Cyrus"? Nope "How about Taylor Swift"? At this point, my DD looks at her and says, "who is that? Your Dad?" LOL The other girl looked at my DD like she had two heads and told her that Taylor Swift was a GIRL. My DD then says, "So its your mother". I thought it was hilarious.

 

[disneyfans95]

Dd is 8. Tonight at girl scouts, dd was telling a girl, who she considers her closest friend at scouts, about a birthday party she was invited to at a local store. The other girl then tells her that she had her birthday party there last weekend. DD was quite disappointed.

Add that to the fact that dd told us that the girls at school are picking on her for her Tinkerbell bookbag and lunchbox. They say that Tink is for babies. (As I write this in my Tink t-shirt).

I have an 8 yo little girl. Some of the girls in her class think that they are teenagers! I have talked to her teacher about the dynamics of girls this age and she said it's tough..the divide is huge.

Being a girl is hard enough, being the mom of a girl is very hard.

Being a PARENT is hard.. Not just due to gender..

Us fathers have it rough also.

 

[NewCrew42]

Dd is 8. Tonight at girl scouts, dd was telling a girl, who she considers her closest friend at scouts, about a birthday party she was invited to at a local store. The other girl then tells her that she had her birthday party there last weekend. DD was quite disappointed.

Add that to the fact that dd told us that the girls at school are picking on her for her Tinkerbell bookbag and lunchbox. They say that Tink is for babies. (As I write this in my Tink t-shirt).

I have an 8 yo little girl. Some of the girls in her class think that they are teenagers! I have talked to her teacher about the dynamics of girls this age and she said it's tough..the divide is huge.

Being a girl is hard enough, being the mom of a girl is very hard.

Hang in there.

3rd, 4th and 5th grade have been the hardest ages for my kids. I think this is the new "Awkward Junior High" age group. In our area, junior high is called Middle School, which is 6th, 7th and 8th grade. I kept thinking that if 3rd, 4th and 5th grade were so tough, Middle School will be aweful. I was so wrong. All of the awkward, teasing, mean, immature stuff took place in 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade for my kids. By Middle School, all of this was over.

I do think my kids choose "nice" friends rather than "high drama" friends. This may have made Middle Schoool better for them.

Hang in there. Love your DD. Help her to see how precious she is because of her heart, not because of her bookbag.

Now, that being said, if she wanted a new bookbag and lunch box in order to avoid the 3rd grade mafia, I would buy her one in a heartbeat. I think someone else mentioned this, but she could have Tink things at home and Tink things for the weekend or pjs, etc.

My DD tends to like "younger" things as well like Tink & Hello Kitty, so we have tried to realize when there is a safe time to wear your Hello Kitty shirt and when you will be persecuted for it. Like the girls at dance all love Hello Kitty, but not the girls at school. So she wears that as a dance cover-up.

Lots of good advice here on the DIS!

This to shall pass!

 

[mjkacmom]

All her friends at school are talking about Justin Beiber and Lady Gaga....????

It really sucks to see your little girl confused about what she loves and her friends making fun of her because of it.

My biggest concern is where these girls learn that behaviour? OR why they are not taught NOT to behave like that?

My girl is very sophisticated in certain areas ~ but I also don't expose her to things I find age inappropriate (lady gaga for a 5 year old?).
.

I can tell you where they are getting it from - older siblings. Yes, my twins were listening to Lady Gaga in kindergarten, while my oldest was singing along with "the wheels on the bus go round and round..." at that age. Actually, none of my kids like Justin Beiber, but love Katy Perry (we listen - we do not watch the videos, or at least the 3 youngest don't).

My 2 oldest were exposed to a lot less than my 3 youngest, but it's hard when you have older kids in the house. I do think my oldest had it the hardest in social situations, because she didn't have older siblings, and she was one of the youngest in her grade.

 

[SC Minnie]

OP-- tell your DD that all the cool kids like Tink. DD16 loves Tink. She has a Tink comforter on her bed right now! And she has a Tink antenna topper on her car. If she could find a Tink lunch box she would carry it in a heartbeat-- to high school!

For DD late elem and early middle school- ~3rd-7th grades were the hardest. Hang in there Mom. It will get better. Teach her to follow what she loves. Around these ages the kids start coming into their own (some try to grow up too fast too) and sometimes BBF's go in different directions. It doesn't mean one girl is better than the other. They are different. Give your DD big hugs

 

[cabanafrau]

This kind of stuff stinks. I recommend kind of monitoring the situation, but taking cues from DD to see if she can come up w/ her own steps toward dealing with this. The more she can handle herself, the better off she will be.

Definitely try to stay well-informed yourself, so that you can brainstorm with her if she gets stuck, or intervene if the situation warrants. If she's strong enough to decide she's Tink girl no matter what the others think, let her go. If she needs to make a change to attempt to fit in or fly under the radar for a bit, take her shopping.

Some groups are very, very bad for this type of thing. When older DD was in 4th grade her teacher commented to me he was very glad this class didn't have this attitude because the previous year was so overrun w/ it it was causing major classroom issues. That group is now seniors and it is still an issue. I feel for kids who get caught up in a class like that, because sometimes it just doesn't stop. Younger DD is in a year that has a notorious reputation for teachers making career changes to avoid or recover from.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I agree that this is a tough age. The girls can be so mean about everything! Just keep talking to your DD and let her know that you are there for her.

And if you think there is some bullying added to the mix, do not hesitate to let the teacher know. I always approach with "Hey, I'm only hearing my DD's side and I know she's not an angel but can you please keep an eye out for anything going on even if it's my DD instigating it." The teacher then knows something may be happening and that you are open to hearing about the good and the bad.
I tried this approach in the third grade and got a great big thank you from the teacher before the end of the day. It was that obvious but the teacher had just not been paying attention to the dynamics.

Good luck with everything.

 

[Pembo]

OP here...thank you all for your kind words and suggestions and to the dad's, yes being a Parent is hard.

To the person who said to keep her Tink for jr high, my 7th gr ds has a Cookie Monster shirt and the 9th grader has a Mr Potato Head...good poing about the change in ideas.

Dd's best friend lives next door and she is a year and half younger, 2 years in school. They like all the same things and play together every day after school. They are in different schools.

She has been having a tough time this year in school with the girls...she just can't find one to click with, and I know, this too shall pass.Sometimes I wish for the fast forward button of life.

 

[Kika]

...I know, this too shall pass.Sometimes I wish for the fast forward button of life.

Hugs, OP.

You are right; it will. Hang in there. My DD went through a week last summer dealing with "Queen Bee" and 2 "Queen Bee followers". (A friend of mine also recommended the book "Queen Bee and the Wannabees" to me at that time.) It hurt me so much to see her hurt, because previously she thought these girls were her friends. She learned the hard way that these girls weren't all they were cracked up to be. After a week, they moved on to a new "target", and everything has blown over. They all get along fine in school now. However, my DD knows that she is not to socialize with them outside of school (and doesn't want to) because of some of the "mean girl" behavior that she and I both witnessed over the summer. She is in with another group of girls now that are all nice girls.

She did start out the year with a Wizards of Waverly place/Selena Gomez backpack and then declared it embarrassing by November. (She informed me that no one in 3rd grade has "character" backpacks anymore...LOL). So I ended up getting her an L.L. Bean plain backpack for Christmas, which she is thrilled with.

One thing I learned through this experience is when we teach our DDs to be happy with who they are, how to treat other people, and teach them about what "real" friendships are, they eventually do figure it out on their own.

You're right, though; this parenting stuff isn't easy. It isn't for the weak...LOL! Sometimes I really wish there was a manual!

 

[NotUrsula]

Just to make you feel better; boys DO do it, and as NHDisneyLover pointed out, with them it doesn't pass. Once a boy is labeled a goat he almost always stays a goat for as long as the "gang" leader has any contact with him. My DS had an incident once in second grade that made him a laughingstock, and about 20 boys saw it. He subsquently changed schools and the whole thing seemed to be a distant memory. Wrong.

Six years later one of those boys turned up in a summer day camp program DS attended, and by the end of the second day DS was being kicked or hit every time the counselors backs were turned, because that boy told the group the story and convinced everyone that DS should be drummed out because of it. DS had attended and enjoyed that camp for three years, but one comment from a new kid with a knack for leadership, and he was an outcast again.

What had he done to merit all this? At age 6, he had given a male classmate a spontaneous hug. The kid recoiled, and that was all it took.

 

[pooh4evr]

Ahhh girls!! We have 3 - amlost 10, 7, and newly 4. The social "junk" starts too early - Our oldest went through a tough time a yr or so ago, unfortunately #2 seems to be going through the same things now. One thing that made a HUGE difference for DD#1 this yr was being part of a team ouside of the people from school. She plays club soccer - so she practices a couple of nights a week, and has games, she is with those girls ALOT. We had heard from a counselor it is important for kids to have more than 1 social network (if you will ) they need a group outside of school to be part of, being part of that 2nd group who knows nothing about the way a kids is percieved at school can make all the difference in the world. They are free of whatever label or stigma they have "earned" at school and can be themselves. DD#1 has been happier the last 6 months than she has been in a long time , and I really believe having gained confidence and increasing herself esteem from the outside of school girls has been the reason. It is tough to see your kids hurt, you don't want theur spirit trampled on by anyone (DD#2 was telling everyone she is a real Fairy and flies around gardens at night with Tinkerbell, then a kid on the bus started picking on her, breaks my heart) Give her a safe place to be herself and always support her and you will get her through it!