Behavior Challenge Thread

[C&G'sMama]

To Kat - we are NOT "must be going every minute of the day kind of people."

We don't do well in the heat and we don't want to kill my mom either while we're there (my 6 siblings would never forgive me ).

Our plan right now is to do some early days (or not as I can see us not getting up early and go back at night and to avoid the hottest parts of the day. Our only must do's at this point are Citrico's on the 3rd (our anniversary Celebration) The plan is for the children to go to the Neverland Club and for the 2 of us to enjoy time at Citricos and maybe watch the fireworks from the beach at Poly or something.

Then breakfast the next day at 8:15 at CP. It is Gay Days at MK and DP is indulging me because I really want to go (she hates getting up early and it will be a late night before (late for us)). The last time we were there during Gay Days was on our honeymoon in 1996 (unintended as we did not know about it ahead of time). We are meeting some other folks from the DIS. And we will probably leave shortly after breakfast to avoid the heat and return in the evening.

But other than that our plans always change. We do not live and die by the ADR's or the plan. We just like to have some kind of guidelines so we aren't spending a lot of time figuring out what we want to do.

We may skip one day, cancel our ADR and spend the entire at the hotel in the AC and the pool or go to DTD or something. We never know.

To Grace. Sorry we'll miss you this trip. I know you said you probably won't be back for awhile but hopefully we'll hook up sometime down the road. Who knows maybe it will be in DL or even TX. We are talking about starting to do regional tours of the US over the next few years and getting out of our East Coast habit.

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

I was going to come and post yesterday about how great everything was going for my dd. But tonight everything has seemed to splinter into pieces....

This week my dd became quite attached to a neighbor girl. She was fixated on her and wanted her to be her "best friend". My dd even went out and bought two necklaces, each one with "BFF" on it and it was each half a heart on a silver chain. She painstakingly planned out and suffered with when to give it to the girl. She watched out the window each day, waiting for her to come over. She finally gave the girl the necklace and my dd was so PROUD and HAPPY when the girl was happy to wear it. I don't think my dd knows what a FRIEND truly entails or means, but she was so happy this girl wanted to be her FRIEND! My dd was happier than usual for the past few days. Then this afternoon, a bunch of kids were playing and my dd was very upset that they were playing with her things, and there were too many people around her, and she just seemed to escalate. I usually know better and will diffuse the situation but today I was not as aware as usual and she escalated into a full blown meltdown. By the time I realized it she was wide eyed, growling, and crying-primally animalistic and shaking. I think the girl tried to calm dd down but dd kicked and punched her and was flailing her arms and legs maniacally. I pulled her inside but the damage was done, the girl ran home crying. I tried to calm dd down but she was hyperventilating and crying, writhing on the floor and inconsolable. Then the girl came back-petulantly gave the necklace back to my dd and told her "there's something WRONG with you!" I was SO mad I sent her home angrily and my dd really became horribly upset, crying and screaming over and over "What's wrong with me?"

It was so heartbreaking to me, the girl didn't know just how severe her actions were but the act of giving the necklace back broke my dd's heart so badly. She's old enough now that she knows she doesn't want to have these episodes but can't seem to turn them off when they come. The girl sees it as anger and aggression and I am wondering how I would even be able to explain to the girl what it really is???

Anyway, I am a broken hearted mom, my dd cried herself to sleep and I know I will have to make some explanations to her tomorrow but don't know quite how to address this.

I hope things are better for all of you.

 

[C&G'sMama]

@Grace - first

Any chance of talking to the girl's parents. Are they understanding and would they be able to explain things to their DD? If the child has the capacity to be understanding then she will be, but if she isn't, I don't know if there is much that can be done.

It's a tough one. Sending you lots of good thoughts.

-A

 

[Kat77]

Grace- Yikes! I'm so sorry. Girls are expected to follow social rules that the boys can get away with occasionally ignoring. I hope everything can be worked out but the damage may be done. It's much harder for girls, NT's are not always forgiving.

DS reserves his meltdowns towards adults. He had a brief period, around six or seven years old, where he would lash out at siblings but never classmates or friends.

Ask your DD to come up with a private signal she use to alert you when other kids are putting her on edge. Tell her if she can remember to alert you, you'll try to redirect activities or find a solution to help her. Practice it before anyone comes over.

 

[bookwormde]

Take a deep breath, and relax as much as possible.

I agree see if the parnets of the child will talk to you. If so explain the situation. These situations come about most often because our kids have not learned the skills and the "friend" has not been made aware of the gifts and challenges of our kids and how to be a friend to our kids and that some of the "rules" are a little different.

If the parents are receptive, then talking to your daughter's friend with the parnets and explaining the gifts and challenges and what a benefit having a good friend can be and the amazing benefits she as a friend to one of our children will derive may help.

Only a relatively small percentage of children have the "character" to understand our kids, but if you find one it is a life changer. If she is then your daughter and her need to talk (facilatated initially by a parnent of each and the on there own).

In talking with your daughter tomorrow, you have to a some level be direct adn honest about her gifts and challenges and if she if willling a social autopsy would likely be valueble. If the other child does want to "try" involving her in the social autopsy in a second phase would be helpful also.


bookwormde

 

[lovethattink]

Oh Grace, hugs to you and your dd. My heart breaks for her too. My son is only 6 and he has no friends his age, but wants them so badly. Not sure if I am allowed to put the link here or not? There is a video on the site Autism Support Network that is one of Taylor Morris. If you can't find it there, it's on youtube, called Hope for autism and Asperger's My Story. Taylor is 17 and talks about how she is different and how being different is a good thing. She explains about going into her world when needing a break from the typical world. It is a good video.

 

[kirstenb1]

Grace,

If you decide to approach the little girl and her parents (and I hope you will), I'd try to keep the discussion fairly simple. I remember when our older dd was that age, the drama among NT girls is crazy!! One minute they're friends, another they're not, etc. They do outgrow it thank goodness!! I know it's easy for me to say, but try not to stay angry with the other girl. It was probably very frightening and sudden for both girls.

Anyway, after talking with the parents, either you or they could try to convey that your dd wants very much to be a friend and have friends. But sometimes that is tricky for her. Especially in groups with lots of noise and action.

Your daughter is still young too. I can remember when our older dd Andi was that age, I'd sort of hover in the next room during play dates for a while just to make sure both kids were playing nicely, taking turns etc. Hopefully our younger dd will have playdates, but I'm assuming I'll have to do some hovering and facilitating, and sort of "show" Zoe how to be a friend.

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

Thanks everyone for your comments and support.

I talked to my dd about the episode last night. She seemed to take it well. She knows she is "different" and I tried to emphasize the positives along with the negatives. She seemed happy with that. Of course, when something bad happens, she tends to get caught up on the negatives but last night she was in a good mood. After we talked she decided she did want to come up with a signal for when she is overwhelmed. She sat and wrote some possibilities. I don't know if, in the heat of the moment, she would be able to use the signals but it is a good exercise for her to think about some possibilities.

She seems to think the girl is still her friend. I tried to carefully explain to her that we need to give the girl time to "cool off" before we approach her. I doubt the parents would be opn to discussing as they are "old school" type people so I need to carefully consider any approach.

I am not mad at the other girl but I am not hopeful that she is the type that can "get" my dd. She is very socially mature and into popularity and appearances. I fear that she only plays with dd when there is "nothing else to do" or she wants to play with my dd's things. I think she would be quick to drop my dd for another playmate and even engage in talk against her. This is just my general impression though and I may be wrong. I just don't feel it is a great match. Any girl who lacks the empathy to know that saying something is "wrong" with another person is not that great imo. I guess that comment from her striked a nerve in me. It is hard enough for my dd to feel good about herself in a world that judges her every idiosyncracy and I'd like her to be around people who are not so judgmental.

I am starting to realize my dd is more resilient than I am. She can forgive and let go while I take a little bit longer...she has such a wonderful heart!

 

[bookwormde]

It is when we really start to see how the resiliant they are that we as parents can begin to relax.

She as come such a long way.

bookwormde

 

[C&G'sMama]

Okay, just need to put this out there to help my processing. Regurgitation of History. DS (7 and in 2nd grade) has been receiving services since pre-k. From pre-k through 1st it was speech, PT and OT. This year it is only OT. DP went to a meeting with a local autism group and they couldn't believe he wasn't getting social skills, quarterly team meetings and other things I can't remember. I can just see Bookwormde shaking your head. But I think even though we know better we thought that the district was doing the right things.

Anyway we have pretty much come to decision we will homeschool him next year. I know this is something we have mentioned before but we think it is time. We have given this a ton of thought and done a lot of research. We've actually been researching it for 5 years as we had always planned on HS our DD.

We are sick of fighting with the school. He is not being treated as child on the Sprectrum. For example he was given a sheet to write "I will not forget my homework and will hand it in on time" 10 times. I don't think it's appropriate for any child much less a spectrum child. When my very matter of fact Aspie says to the Classroom assistant "It isn't fair that...." coming out of childrens' sense of social just. She tells him to stop or she'll make him write. It is not healthy for him.

We had a long talk with his therapist today and she actually agreed with us in the end. We won't do it until next September. We are fortunate in that there is a very large and diverse homeschooling community in our area. You name it and they have a group, club or something for it. Everything from science clubs, to bowling leagues to chess lessons.

So we think this will be best for him. We think it will be healthy for him to have more say in his studies.

So that's where we're at. The plan for now is to Homeschool DS and have DD continue at school. If she decides she too wants to be homeschooled then we will do so.

 

[bookwormde]

Yes when the damage from school abuse get to great lots of parents make this decision. I would write the district SPED director and let that person know why.

bookwormde

 

[lovethattink]

C&G'sMama,

I'm so sorry you are having problems with the school. This was the first year of homeschooling for us, and we love it!!! Our community has a large homeschool network with several co-ops and many opportunities for our children. There are some great curriculums out there and you can always pick and choose to create your own curriculum to perfectly fit your child. Often there are curriculum fairs, which are great to see all the different curriculums to compare.

For our youngest, we found the Abeka DVD program to best fit him. I had to create an area of no distractions for school. He has a table and chairs. Uses a balance disc as a seat cushion so he can rock, but still keep his feet on the floor. Either my husband or I sit with him. We control the DVD and can pause it, rewind or fast forward as needed. The DVD has a certified teacher teaching in an actual classroom. I can see when he needs an attention break, stop the video, then restart when he is ready. He has about 2 hours worth of OT homework daily that his therapist gave us to work on at home. Sometimes he will do the infinity walk as an attention break, which is great because when he comes back to reading he is so much more focused, and able to keep his place. He can also chew gum, or do other positive stimming to help him keep focused, and he isn't bothering anybody else.

For our teen he is using a computer based homeschool program. He doesn't have the dexterity for writing so he is able to type all his work. The computer grades all the multiple choice, fill in the blank, and I grade all the essay. He is using Switched ON by Alpha Omega Publishing for most of his work, and Teaching Textbooks for Pre-Calculus.

We are members of the FPEA, and a local homeschool field trip group. There are 2 PE groups in our town. My oldest is able to play football for a local high school. There are several different ways to homeschool in our state. We use an umbrella school so that the kids get report cards and will get high school diplomas.

 

[C&G'sMama]

Bookwormde, thanks. We've decided for now to stop fighting. And it's hard to explain but we like the school it's just not the right place for DS and I'm not sure any school is.

Lovathatink. I might pick your brain at some point if that's okay. We are already part of a local homeschooling on line yahoo group. We are on the Homeschooling Mensans yahoo group. But it would be nice to connect with another ASD parent.

NYS does not allow homeschoolers to participate on school sports teams and to the best of my knowledge there is no way to get a HS diploma in NYS. But that's fine. I have a niece who dropped out of high school at 16 took her GED and went on to college. Ironically she is the only one of her 4 sisters that was never homeschooled (her parents divorced before she reached school age and the children all went into public school)

That being said there are lots of opportunities for PE. We belong to our local Y which has 8 or 9 branches. At least 2 of them have Homeschool PE. There are a couple of homeschooling bowling leagues. DS takes swim lessons at the Y. There are a couple of gymnastic places that have homeschooling groups and we could just sign him up for "regular" classes. The nice thing about the HS classes are they are during the day and tend to have a slight discount.

Rochester is home to Eastman School of Music so there are plenty of opportunities for formal music lessons if he wants them. We also have Rochester Institute of Technology (RIT) The president's own children were home schooled. The college is very home schooler friendly.

So it's pretty much a no brainer at this point. Some have asked us why we don't start now. We want to transition and we want to get our ducks in a row. Also, he has been invited to participate in a pilot robotics program at his school. The flier says the class is open to 2nd to 6th graders and was by invitation only. I suspect he is the only 2nd grader invited and I don't know if any 3rd graders were. He is so excited. So, he will finish out the year at school.

 

[lovethattink]

Lovathatink. I might pick your brain at some point if that's okay. We are already part of a local homeschooling on line yahoo group. We are on the Homeschooling Mensans yahoo group. But it would be nice to connect with another ASD parent.

Ask away. Feel free to send a PM. I think you are very wise to wait until the next school year. We decided in March about homeschooling ds17 last year, and began August this school year. I used that time between March and August to research different curriculums. Found out the laws governerning homeschoolers in my state. Reasearched all our different options for how we could homeschool.

Tim Tebow through Brenda Dickenson of Home Education Foundation definately laid the ground work and changed existing perceptions in the state of Florida, opening so many opportunities for homeschoolers here.

 

[bookwormde]

Yes there are lots of well meaning teachers and staff and sometimes well meaning shools that are just not the best "fit" for our kids. Someday all schools will "get" our kids and be able to support them as a matter of standard practice (and will be much better at educating all studnets as a result), but that is not today in most cases.

bookwormde

 

[lovethattink]

Yes there are lots of well meaning teachers and staff and sometimes well meaning shools that are just not the best "fit" for our kids. Someday all schools will "get" our kids and be able to support them as a matter of standard practice (and will be much better at educating all studnets as a result), but that is not today in most cases.

bookwormde

We need a like button here!

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

I am very lucky that our little private school seems to work out well. No, it's not perfect but it's about as good as it's going to get. My dd still clings to me sometimes in the am and she hates going to school, but I can tell she is getting better and seems to trust this teacher. It would be just impossible to find a classroom full of supportive, nonjudgmental, and accepting people I think-at least I haven't found it yet. But that's true with life in general, there will always be the difficult ones.

Of course, in a perfect world Homeschooling would be the best for us. I think it would be the best for any kid on the spectrum.

Anyway-kudos to you for homeschooling. I would do it if I could!!!!

Homeschooling here is at an all time high-coupled with private schooling.

 

[lovethattink]

I am very lucky that our little private school seems to work out well. No, it's not perfect but it's about as good as it's going to get. My dd still clings to me sometimes in the am and she hates going to school, but I can tell she is getting better and seems to trust this teacher. It would be just impossible to find a classroom full of supportive, nonjudgmental, and accepting people I think-at least I haven't found it yet. But that's true with life in general, there will always be the difficult ones.

Of course, in a perfect world Homeschooling would be the best for us. I think it would be the best for any kid on the spectrum.

Anyway-kudos to you for homeschooling. I would do it if I could!!!!

Homeschooling here is at an all time high-coupled with private schooling.

My son still says he hates school, even home school. But it's the work part of school he doesn't like. He loves to learn facts. He doesn't have the motor skills for handwriting so he says he hates any writing activities, and all subjects have some writing to them. At OT they are using handwriting without tears for him to learn about boundaries. And we are using Abeka at home which is very structured, and has many rules, since he likes rules and is rigid about following them, it seems to help, though it's his least favorite. When asked if he would rather homeschool or go to school, he says he wants to homeschool.

My oldest has mild CP, but other than that he is basically neurotypical. We chose homeschooling for him because we couldn't afford the tuition this year. He is amazed at how much time is wasted in school on busy work. He claims he is learning so much more with his new curriculum, and wishes we would have started years ago. His private school worked with us so nicely. They made the school latex free for his severe latex allergy. They allowed him to use a computer for essays, note taking, tests, etc. They were truely fabulous for the years he was there, 6th through 10th grades!!

 

[koolaidmoms]

DS loves the facts too. I am hoping that as I set up our curriculum I can incorporate much of what he wants to learn about - astronomy, Greek mythology, the Huns and aeronautics into all the content areas.

He does most of his work typing. At school they use a Fusion which helps him organize his writing and will even read it back to him. Handwriting without Tears was torture for him. He did it as a summer program.

I am actually getting very excited about this. I think it will help alleviate much of his stress and frustration surrounding school, homework and learning. It is funny how we equate learning with school and homework when neither is really something that fosters true love of knowledge.

 

[lovethattink]

Koolaidmom, are you familiar with Classical Education? There are 3 phases to a classical education, grammar, dialectic, and rhetoric. The grammar is crammed full of learning facts. The dialectic is spent in part learning how to think critically and debate. The rhetoric, is putting all those fact, critical thinking, and debating into work. The curriculums have a very heavy focus on Greek and Roman Eras, particularly the history and the literature.

My oldest did traditional schooling through 5th grade, then went to a classical school for 6th to 10th grade. This year he is homeschooled. But there are some really good classical education homeschool curriculums out there.

Perhaps we need a new thread for homeschooling with ASD??