Baby Shower--Help me understand this comment

[HelpMeUnderstand]

I know this seems like a strange reason to create a different user name, but the person that I am asking about has visited this website in the past to plan a trip for her and her ex-husband and I think she might have known my regular user name.

Let me start by saying that I do not consider myself to be extremely sensitive or easily offended.

This post is regarding a woman that I work with. I am one of her bosses we have all been MORE than generous to her since she found out she was pregnant. She had horrible morning sickness from very early on and I stepped up from day one to help fill in for her so that she could come and go as needed from work. I had a family vacation planned for over a year which I cancelled because she was too sick to be working that week. She did however take 2 weeks vacation the next week to go on a caribbean cruise and visit family in Florida (sorry, I'm a bit bitter about that ). She had run out of sick days and vacation, but I kept filling in for her.

Fast forward to her having the baby. She was out on maternity leave longer than she was scheduled for and no one said a word to her. I told her that if she wished to return to work that it was no problem if she wanted to work full time or just a few days a week. I even let her pick the days and the hours that she wants to work. You get the picture--we're pretty laid back and I have bent over backwards to assist her in anyway that I could.

I recently threw her a shower. Towards the end of the shower she says "Now I want to get parenting advice from those of you that don't have kids." I am one of just a few people at our workplace without children. This is the part that I need help understanding. I can't help but think that it was some sort of backhanded comment meaning that those of us without kids. Before you all get mad at me, I KNOW THAT THOSE OF US WITHOUT KIDS DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT PARENTING, and I would never attempt to give any parent advice. Why would she say that outloud? I wasn't planning on giving her any advice and it didn't seem like anyone else was handing out advice. I'm hoping that I'm just reading too much into this.

Help me understand please!!

 

[quasar4legs]

Maybe she thought she was being funny

It sounds like you have been very kind to her throughout her pregnancy and that comment would have annoyed me

 

[Agri]

Eh, I wouldn't think that people without kids wouldn't have parenting advice - at the very least everyone was a kid once and as you get older you tend to appreciate some of the stuff your parents did more than you did at the time (or not depending on the quality of your parents ). I don't have kids, but I've dated guys with children long-term and I've worked with kids...so I wouldn't consider myself to be totally clueless in the parenting department. (It wouldn't be the same as the advice of a 'real' parent, but that doesn't necessarily mean it wouldn't be useful.)

I think *your* issue is that you/your company is being too lenient with her and your judgment of how she's taken advantage of this leniency is seeping into your perception of what she says.

 

[kwelch10377]

Do you really think if she reads this post she won't know it is about her??

I think you are reading too much into this. Unless her question was said in a nasty or sarcastic tone I would have just thought she wanted advice from a different perspective.

I also wouldn't say those without kids don't know anything about parenting since there isn't just some magic switch that turns on once you have kids that makes you know everything about parenting. I would just say that there are certain things that you can't say for sure how you would handle once you have kids or there are certain things that people without kids many say they would do, but once you have kids you quickly realize certain things are better said than done.

 

[Tink888]

First off, I just want to say that it sounds like you've been absolutely wonderful to her and she's very lucky to have you as a boss.

Secondly, I wouldn't read too much into it. She might have just been trying to be funny and it didn't go over well. From the day a woman tells people she's expecting, other women (mostly other moms) seem to come out of the woodwork with advice on every parenting topic known to mankind. Sometimes it's wanted and sometimes not. She might have jokingly singled out the women without kids because it's the ONE group she hasn't heard from yet.

 

[HelpMeUnderstand]

Do you really think if she reads this post she won't know it is about her??

If she reads this particular post, then yes she would probably know it was about her. However, I know for a fact that she hasn't visited this website in over 2 years. She was planning a trip for her and her ex-husband a few years ago and I directed her to this site. I think it's highly unlikely that she would even remember my user name. If she ever finds her way back to this site and happens to remember my name, I just didn't want her to look at my user profile and find this post. I'm assuming that they'll want to take their son to Disneyworld in a year or two, so she may be back then.

You are all probably right and I'm reading too much into her comment.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You cancelled a vacay for her and then she went on vacay after that?

I think I would be nuclear after that.

She sounds like a pill. Throwing her a shower is beyond sainthood in my book. I couldn't do it.

 

[goofy!]

I know this seems like a strange reason to create a different user name, but the person that I am asking about has visited this website in the past and I'm pretty sure she knew my regular user name.

Let me start by saying that I do not consider myself to be extremely sensitive or easily offended.

This post is regarding a woman in my office. I am one of her bosses and our office has been MORE than generous to her since she found out she was pregnant. She had horrible morning sickness from very early on and I stepped up from day one to help fill in for her so that she could come and go as needed from work. I had a family vacation planned for over a year which I cancelled because she was too sick to be working that week. She did however take 2 weeks vacation the next week to go on a caribbean cruise and visit family in Florida (sorry, I'm a bit bitter about that ). She had run out of sick days and vacation, but I kept filling in for her and did her job and mine.

Fast forward to her having the baby. She was out on maternity leave longer than she was scheduled for and no one said a word to her. I told her that if she wished to return to work that it was no problem if she wanted to work full time or part time. I even let her pick the days of the week and the hours that she wants to work. You get the picture--we're pretty laid back and I have bent over backwards to assist her in anyway that I can.

I recently threw her a shower. Towards the end of the shower she says "Now I want to get parenting advice from those of you that don't have kids." I am one of just a few people in my office without kids. This is the part that I need help understanding. I can't help but think that it was some sort of backhanded comment meaning that those of us without kids know nothing. Before you all get mad at me, I KNOW THAT THOSE OF US WITHOUT KIDS DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARENTING, and I would never attempt to give any parent advice. Why would she say that outloud? I wasn't planning on giving her any advice and it didn't seem like anyone else was handing out advice. I'm hoping that I'm just reading too much into this.

Help me understand please!!

Not hearing the tone in the statement, it is hard to assess if she meant it as an insult or as a compliment.

Just reading it on a board, I immediately jumped to 'compliment.'

Perhaps she wanted the advice of people who are on the outside, who can actually see the forest for the trees. Perhaps she wanted what she believed to be objective advice.

Perhaps she wanted to remember what she felt her parenting model would be before her world was changed by a new baby.

Being a new mom, she has probably been overwhelmed with "suggestions" from other moms. Maybe she just wanted a different perspective.

I can think of dozens of reasons why she would legitimately want the advice of people without children.

But then again, after going on a vacation after you canceled yours probably speaks to her character more.

Sounds like you are a very kind and giving woman. But you have done way too much for her, especially as her boss. Sounds like you are trying to be her friend and that is very difficult in an employee/boss relationship. I would stop doing personal stuff for her and maintain a more professional relationship. Y

 

[bumbershoot]

You cancelled a vacay for her and then she went on vacay after that?

I think I would be nuclear after that.

Me too.



My brother is blissfully child-free, and he has been able to hone in on things with my son that I was blind to. He has AMAZING knowledge about behavior, and he feels safe in talking to me about it b/c he knows I love him and will listen. He's been correct on all but one thing (and heck, he might be right on that too but we're not going to try it).

There are only a few things that I would have changed about my parenting advice, from back when I was single (the day after I wasn't single I got pregnant, LOL, so the two go together for me)...I knew quite a bit too. Alas, no one listened to me, though they did ask my opinion, which was interesting.

So she might have been totally honest and willing to hear! That's how I would want ot take it.

And then I'd go into my boss and lay it down for him/her, that this has GOT to stop.

When I was single/engaged and working, I willingly covered for employees with families quite often, because I don't celebrate most holidays, my family lives far away, and I liked the extra money. But I couldn't STAND it when people EXPECTED me to work extra when they couldn't...I certainly wouldn't have canceled a vacation for someone! That's what bosses are for, IMO.