baby shower a farce???

[laura001]

This afternoon I am attending a baby shower for my niece, who is 18 with a new baby boy. She had always been a bit of a rebel and obviously not much concern or care towards her parents or extended family for ending up pregnant, it is a long story about the circumstances surrounding this. Anyway, she ends up pregnant, no one in the family has ever been in this predicament and it has been very difficult for most of us regarding this but am sure we will get through it.

The biggest problem is that she is "playing house", she calls the babies father (18 also) her husband on her MSN profile etc. He does not live with her, she lives with her older sister because she still did not want to follow the rules etc of her parents home. She talks about this boy, who has not once ever tried to talk to her parents about the situation or anything, like he is a part of the family etc. (we have never met him). Her father in particular is a pretty stand up guy and I think is hurt beyond belief over the whole situation. She continues to walk around as if life is rosy and seems not to care about the fact that she has affected so many other peoples lives, especially her parents with her disregard for their feelings. She has never once even shown any remorse for doing this. Oooppss.....forgot to say that she got pregnant on purpose.

So today is the shower, I am struggling with going, I feel like I am taking part in this farce, pretending that the way she has acted and is acting is perfectly normal and that I accept it. I do realize that it is not the babies fault and we need to help her with him, but I guess I just wish that she would at least try to make some sort of gesture etc that she has kind of messed things up. It just seems like she doesn't give a darn about any one else other than herself.

It may seem trivial, and I am going to go and put my best foot forward, but man I wish I could feel differently about all of this.

 

[lulugirl]

A baby shower is about providing for the baby. I would buy a nice gift, put a smile on my face and attend.

 

[KathyTX]

Sounds like this baby is going to need all of the family support that you can muster.

I would go to the shower, and do whatever I could to make sure that HIS needs are met. And I think I'd try to get to know to know him and to spend as much time as possible with him during his growing up years; he will need any stability you can offer.

A tough situation. I think I'd go and focus on the child. (The baby child, not the mother child who has lots of growing up to do...)

 

[thelionqueen]

A baby shower is about providing for the baby. I would buy a nice gift, put a smile on my face and attend.

 

[bellacam]

A baby shower is about providing for the baby. I would buy a nice gift, put a smile on my face and attend.

ITA - You can't deny support to a child who has no choice who it's parents are.

 

[dmslush]

She's 18, she's an adult, and she really doesn't have anything to explain to anyone. She made a choice, and has to live with it. Maybe she is actually happy about the baby and happy that she is pregnant?

Like you said, it is not the baby's fault what has happened. Going to the shower simply means that you are celebrating a new life, not that you are condoning her decisions (which, again, she is an adult).

As for the baby's father, he is part of her family now. She and him will have to deal with each other forever at this point because of the child. Again, the are both adults, and while it would have been the polite thing for him to talk to her parents, he doesn't have to. But, you cannot discount the fact that he is family because you simply don't know him, he is her family.

 

[laura001]

A baby shower is about providing for the baby. I would buy a nice gift, put a smile on my face and attend.

As I said, that is what I am going to do, still not happy with it though and still feel like I am condoning her behaviour. Wish she would just wake up and smell the roses!

 

[Lyn5]

been to this type of shower before. You could see the hurt and uncomfortable people in the room. Try to have a nice time visiting with your relatives and talking about other things going on. Goodluck.

 

[laura001]

She's 18, she's an adult, and she really doesn't have anything to explain to anyone. She made a choice, and has to live with it. Maybe she is actually happy about the baby and happy that she is pregnant?

Like you said, it is not the baby's fault what has happened. Going to the shower simply means that you are celebrating a new life, not that you are condoning her decisions (which, again, she is an adult).

As for the baby's father, he is part of her family now. She and him will have to deal with each other forever at this point because of the child. Again, the are both adults, and while it would have been the polite thing for him to talk to her parents, he doesn't have to. But, you cannot discount the fact that he is family because you simply don't know him, he is her family.

I guess the problem with that is that they are not really together, they don't live together, nor does he support her or the baby. He lives with his grandmother (because his mother left him and his siblings with her years ago).
I just feel like he needs to make things right with her parents or at least try to, if they want to be treated as adults perhaps that is what they should do. It is very difficult to see the hurt in her parents, heart breaking actually. She was the youngest child of theirs and very spoiled.

 

[lulugirl]

As I said, that is what I am going to do, still not happy with it though and still feel like I am condoning her behaviour. Wish she would just wake up and smell the roses!

While I understand that you disapprove of her lifestyle, I don't see how buying something for her baby condones her behavior? As another poster pointed out this baby is going to need a lot of love and support.

 

[cstraub]

Kind of OT but I will never have a niece . I am an only child and just have to say I would love to be a great Aunt to someone someday.

I realize that what I have said above is not totally relevent but it sounds like your niece needs your support. Maybe you could get close to her and be a mentor to her now that the new baby is coming. Sounds like she desperatley wants this to be the "real thing". Maybe you can help guide her into finding that someday.

 

[noseybuddy]

This afternoon I am attending a baby shower for my niece, who is 18 with a new baby boy. She had always been a bit of a rebel and obviously not much concern or care towards her parents or extended family for ending up pregnant, it is a long story about the circumstances surrounding this. Anyway, she ends up pregnant, no one in the family has ever been in this predicament and it has been very difficult for most of us regarding this but am sure we will get through it.

The biggest problem is that she is "playing house", she calls the babies father (18 also) her husband on her MSN profile etc. He does not live with her, she lives with her older sister because she still did not want to follow the rules etc of her parents home. She talks about this boy, who has not once ever tried to talk to her parents about the situation or anything, like he is a part of the family etc. (we have never met him). Her father in particular is a pretty stand up guy and I think is hurt beyond belief over the whole situation. She continues to walk around as if life is rosy and seems not to care about the fact that she has affected so many other peoples lives, especially her parents with her disregard for their feelings. She has never once even shown any remorse for doing this. Oooppss.....forgot to say that she got pregnant on purpose.

So today is the shower, I am struggling with going, I feel like I am taking part in this farce, pretending that the way she has acted and is acting is perfectly normal and that I accept it. I do realize that it is not the babies fault and we need to help her with him, but I guess I just wish that she would at least try to make some sort of gesture etc that she has kind of messed things up. It just seems like she doesn't give a darn about any one else other than herself.

It may seem trivial, and I am going to go and put my best foot forward, but man I wish I could feel differently about all of this.

You can't help the way you feel about the situation, and you shouldn't feel quilty for feeling that way or let anyone else make you feel that way. I understand where you are coming from. I myself would probably get a gift for the baby, but depending on how I fell, I might not attend the shower. Just don't do something that you are going to regret later. Hopefully she will do some growing up (father to) for the sake of this baby.

 

[Kim&Chris]

Sounds like this baby is going to need all of the family support that you can muster.

I would go to the shower, and do whatever I could to make sure that HIS needs are met. And I think I'd try to get to know to know him and to spend as much time as possible with him during his growing up years; he will need any stability you can offer.

A tough situation. I think I'd go and focus on the child. (The baby child, not the mother child who has lots of growing up to do...)

My thoughts exactly. I'd go and try to make the best of it. With enough family care & interaction, the little boy may go alot further than his parents ever did!

 

[EthansMom]

I understand completely.

I got invited to the baby shower for a distant cousin on DH's side. The girl was 16, pregnant, and not going to school. I went and took a practical gift (a gift basket with diapers, wipes, etc. as I recall), and felt completely out of place. At the party, I was surrounded by giggling 15 and 16 year-old girls who were trying to convince DH's pregnant cousin (8 months pregnant) to go out dancing that night. WTH?????

In my late 20s, I had never felt so OLD in my entire life.

Sometimes, there really are things you just have to grin and bear.

 

[Cass]

Hopefully, there will be drinks!

Good luck, grin and bare it for the baby's sake. poor little guy.

Also, I am sure EVERYONE will be thinking the same thing you are. You are all in it together.

 

[Davids-Coco]

I would say to buy something practical - and definately for the baby - and send it along with someone else. Although baby showers are about the baby... but when they are before the baby is born, it is about the mother to a certain extent. All the ones I have been attending are really about cooing over the cute baby things and the pregnant mom. If you are uncomfortable with that, I really think that you should send something but not attend.

At the end of it, these really are her decisions. It does sound like she needs to grow up a lot. But, keep in mind that there are ways to support the baby while not condoning the behaviors of the parents (we do this with my cousin).

 

[laura001]

Thanks to everyone for the words of encouragement. I went to the shower and it wasn't too bad, a few posters were right in the fact that quite a few of the people feel the same way as me. I just hope and pray that she gets her act together for the sake of the baby at least!

 

[laura001]

Hopefully, there will be drinks!



This thought did cross my mind.... A couple of martini's would sure help things!

 

[Cass]

This thought did cross my mind.... A couple of martini's would sure help things!

 

[sweet angel]

After saying that she got pregnant on purpose, why should the boy have to make peace with her parents? Playing devil's advocate here, but perhaps he would have preferred she not keep the baby -- perhaps he was trapped (of course, no one FORCED him to partake in the activity that started the whole thing on motion) -- perhaps he made it clear to her that he wanted nothing to do with a baby.

In a perfect world he would make nice with the family and he and the girl would make their own family and raise a wonderful child. However, the world isn't perfect.

I feel bad for the baby. I'd have a really hard time going to such a shower -- I'm not good at hiding my feelings.