Awkward/sensitive work etiquette question....

[Cindy B]

*** This topic is sensitive and possibly PG in nature*****


Ok, DH is part of an IT group for a VERY major company.

There is a person whose resouces are shared between two departments. She is the technical liasion. She is not an IT tech, but she does tech work.

The ettiquette questions revolves around her manager.
It its this woman, and her manager, and they are the only ones in the department, but they work exclusively with the IT group totalling about 15 people.

The persons manager is getting married. Usually the departments either group or shared departments kick in and do something.

The twist is the person is having a same sex marriage. The person mentioned to a few people, but not all. She is very open about her lifestyle, and is very candid about it.

The person who is her employee isn't sure what to do. I think its a new situation/and can be awkward.

DH is on the diversity council at work, and is not sure how to approach it either.

Its a situation not many people have been in, so they don't know what to do. My DH opinion is "well, if she is happy, that is what matters... it wouldn't be any different than say if she married anyone else."

But the other people at work are a little weirded out about it.

So what should be done? What wold you do?

 

[JasonLyons]

I love lesbians , its a man thing

 

[Steve H.]

Have someone put something together -- maybe a luncheon at work or something like that and let everyone know if they want to attend (or chip in for a gift) they're welcome to and if they don't want to participate, that's fine as well.

 

[caitycaity]

i'd go ahead and throw her the party. i think it would be really offensive to the manager if it wasn't treated the same way as other marriages. of course, if some people are uncomfortable with it then they don't have to go.

 

[JerseyJanice]

IMO, if she is someone who participates in gifts and celebrations for other employees when they get married or have children, then I think her co-workers should be happy to do the same for her now that it's her turn.

 

[Cindy B]

Caity--

I would agree that the manager would be hurt/offended if she didn't get the same "treatment"

However, the one employee (her supervisor is the one getting married), is freaked out.

Its technically on the one employee to do something. Since the budget is small (with a two person department) and the IT group "shares" her, it is "technically" a two department thing...

Some know about the wedding, some don't. She only announced it to a few people, not company wide.

 

[Kermit]

I'm guessing that even when the department does something, individual people are free to choose to do their own thing or not. I'd be inclined to do the "normal" thing as a department, but it may be wise to run it by HR first. I can't really think of a good reason that they wouldn't want them to do it, but I guess it's possible that if the company doesn't offer same-sex insurance benefits, they may not want to show any company endorsement of same-sex unions as marriages. Note that that's not my opinion--it's just a possibility.

 

[caitycaity]

is the employee (the underling, not the supervisor) freaked out b/c she doesn't support same-sex marriages, or b/c she is afraid of what others will think of her if she throws the party? i guess i don't understand why she's freaked out.

in any case, if she doens't want to be the "initiator" of the party, she should find someone else in IT who will do it.

 

[Serena]

Would it be possible to ask the lady what she wants? Somebody that she is friends with needs to go to her and tell her that you want to do something for her, but aren't sure what. Tell her you aren't sure if she wants everyone to know so you didn't want to do anything as a surprise.
Just talk with her.

 

[Cindy B]

Caity--

I think its a small combination of both. The person is feeling awkward about it.

I know that my DH is the "voice of reason" about it in the IT group. Most of the other group memebers are younger, immature types, and mostly men.

 

[caitycaity]

Since that is the case, I would have your DH or someone else who is comfortable with it talk to the manager to make sure she wants the party, and if she does, find someone who is willing to organize it. that way, the pressure is off the employee.

 

[Disneyaholic]

Since it's a major company, I would think that they would want to make sure that everything is handled in a non-discriminatory way, to avoid any publicity or lawsuits, etc. So, they (as a group/department) should handle it like they would any other wedding. It would be up to each individual as to whether or not they want to participate.

 

[Cindy B]

I can't agree more.

Its pretty sad how freaked out some of the employees truly are about this.

They are using the excuse "She didn't tell everyone, only a few people, she doesn't want everyone to know..."

Personally I think that is a poor excuse.

I do think someone needs to talk to her, and just ask her what would be best...

 

[aprincessmom]

Its a situation not many people have been in, so they don't know what to do. My DH opinion is "well, if she is happy, that is what matters... it wouldn't be any different than say if she married anyone else."

I agree with your DH. I think they should go ahead as they would for any other employee celebrating a happy life event.

You mentioned that while the manager is open about her lifestyle, she hasn't mentioned the commitment ceremony to the group at large. Perhaps the employee could ask how her manager would like the event to be recognized by friends from work. I know when I was pregnant a friend of mine stepped in when a shower was planned prior to my having the baby. In my family you don't have a shower prior to birth -- it's a superstition born of my heritage. So they had it for me post-birth and I was happy that someone spoke up for me and did something that I'd be comfortable with.

If the manager is open to a celebration at work, perhaps the employee could enlist some people they work closely with or who are in their direct functional organization to help her plan it.

The weird, weird part of this is that I am in the exact situation. I am in a two person group that is technically not IT but works almost entirely with the IT group. In addition, my manager is involved in a very committed same-sex relationship. The only difference is my manager is very close-mouthed about her situation (she's told me) and would not want a work related event.

 

[Joanne M]

Much ado about nothing.....this is a non-issue as far as I can see. Someone in the office has a major life event coming up, and the group should handle it like they do all other events of this type. If anyone has a problem, send them to diversity training!