Autism Question

[lrmillen]

hi everyone,

I'm in a situation where I think a child (1 1/2) has several autistic tendencies but the mother doesn't recognize it. I've done some reseach about the symptoms in books and online and I've stopped writing it off as a phase or personality. I just don't know if I should say anything or not. I know early intervention helps, but would they be benefiting from knowing this early? Should I wait until the mom (who I'm close with) recognizes it herself? My heart is breaking knowing what might be in store. Has anyone been through something similair? Thank You!!!!

 

[BethanyF]

This is a tough one. My nephew and my son are both on the spectrum, my nephew is older. After I discovered something was not quite right, I had my son evaluated. My sister then told me she had noticed the symtoms earlier but was afriad to mention it to me for fear I would be insulted.
Honestly, I dont know how I would have reacted, but I would probably have written it off at first. But then Im sure I would have thought about her unsolicited advice everytime Sam did something unusual.
I guess what I am trying to get at is
can you tell the parent what you think without her getting insulted? Even if she doesnt take the advice, it will be in the back of her mind for whenever she is ready to explore the possibility

 

[tiggersmom2]

I believe it is up to the parent and the physician to recognize developmental delays. Most competent pediatricians will pick up on autism signs. Maybe you could ask her when her child's last well baby check-up was.

 

[mus muris asinus]

Let the child's mother determine it for herself. If you're wrong and you diagnose her child with autism, she may never forgive you for putting the thought in her head in the first place.

 

[browneyes]

If you tell the parent what you suspect, she might get hostile with you. I used to work with an agency that helped children birth to age 3 with developmental delays, including some children with autism. Early intervention does help with the delays, but it's best to let a professional tell the parents. I agree with tiggersmom2.

 

[CRB#33]

Yes to your question about early evaluation. Children within the spectrum can benefit by early diagonosis and schooling. They are finding that the earlier the child gets into a program teaching him/her in the appropriate ways, the higher functioning they can become. It doesn't always work that way, but I wouldn't want to pass up the opportunity to start as early as possible.

Maybe you could just hand her some of the papers you've read and ask her to just read them and see what she thinks. Leave it at that.

 

[BrerMom]

Early intervention is the way to go. Yes, a pediatrician should catch it, but some only see the child for a few minutes every few months. After I pushed the issue, it still took three months for DS' turn to be tested through the Intermediate School District. I sure understand you don't want to hurt your friend's feelings. Does she have other children so she'd be able to recognize behavior that wasn't "normal"?

Consider posting this question on the disABILITIES board. The posters there were a wonderful source of information and encouragement for me.

 

[TigerBear]

What if you let the mom know what specific behaviors concern you (without indicating a diagnosis) and suggest that she mention them to the child's pediatrician?

 

[missypie]

You're in a tough spot. Before my son was diagonosed with Asperger's Syndome (in the autism spectrum), my MIL told us that she thought he had Tourettes (he did have a few tics). I got so mad that I went onto a web site about Tourettes, which eventually led me to a link about Asperger's, which led me to consult professionals and obtain an actual diagnosis (which confirmed my '"on line" diagnosis of Asperger's.) So I guess my MIL was mildly helpful, but I've certainly never given her credit for it because she is so quick to "label" everyone's kids - "bed wetter" "not 100%" "hyperactive."

Our son has a friend who is so much like him...we're just sure he has the same neurological problem...but we've never come out and told the parents to get their kid tested. They know our son's diagonosis. Whenever they've mentioned troubling traits of their son's, we've remarked on how similar that is to our child's behavior...and let them put the pieces together. (They finally did take him to the same place we took our son..haven't heard the results.)

So, if you could relay your concerns about this child as concerns about another child - even if imaginary - that might help. You might be chatting with your friend and say, for example, "A child I watch in the church nursery [or whatever] wasn't talking, and they've diagonosed him with autism..."

 

[Judy from Boise]

personally I couldn't live withmyself unless I offered my suspecions and some access to the information. I would equate it with caring more about my social life/comfort than a child's future.
I would try and be as sensitive as possible, but for me it would be worth the risk to like who I see in the mirror each morning.

 

[flrose]

That is a very difficult situation to be in and it is really hard to know what to do. I guess you have to go on how close you are to the mother. I was in the same situation. My SIL's daughter is 3 mos. older than my DS. So, we pretty much watched them grow together and compared notes on who did what when. When the kids were almost 3 she had a boy. As a baby he seemed to develop at the same rate as our other two had. But, at about a year my DH and I noticed he was different. We mentioned it to MIL and she just pretty much told us we were crazy but, as time went by she finally noticed it too. The child was almost 5 by the time SIL started to accept that there was a problem and probably 6 before she even mentioned it to us. She and her husband just didn't want to accept his autism until they were ready I guess. But, I must say she has always been a great mother to her kids and has gone above and beyond to get him all the help she can. Good Luck on however you decide to handle it and prayers and PD to that family and their child.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I'm stuck in this situation too. My husband's nephew is now 4, still isn't potty trained, talks in gibberish that is not understandable, but parrots anything anyone says, so my SIL considers that "talking". He does not interact socially like a 4yo should, mostly plays by himself. He also occasionally flaps his hands when excited. His older brother, who is 6, is extremely social and talkative, so my SIL thinks the younger one doesn't talk because he has his older brother to relay everything for him. I think she is in total denial. I finally brought it up to my inlaws, the grandparents, about what I've noticed, and they too think the 4yos lack of communication is magnified because of the 6yos advanced social skills. I told the inlaws I think he is autistic, but they seem to be more concerned that he isn't potty trained yet. They think my SIL hasn't been aggressive enough in potty training. I think that is ridiculous, he was 4 in January. How the pediatrician hasn't picked up on it is beyond me. Anyway, this little boy is falling farther and farther behind because everyone is in denial, so I've made up my mind to tell my SIL my concerns next weekend when I see her. If she gets mad at me, oh well, I can't in good conscience not say anything any longer.

 

[luvmarypoppins]

I actually was put into this position. It was a little boy in our church nursery. I noticed he had many inappropriate behaviors for his age. He rocked, hit his head on the floor, had no sense of fear or danger, was totally nonverbal, made little eye contact., refused to sit and had no attention span to complete an age appropriate task such as scribble coloring, molding playdoh, refused to play with peers or acknowledge adults. It was obvious the mom knew something was just not quite right. I must admit it was not her first child and she had alot of medical problems herself. I am only with him like once every 4-6 weeks. I talked to another mutual friend of ours who is a special ed teacher. I told her my concerns. I also felt this child needed help NOW. It took a long time for the mom to stop denying stuff and our mutual friend talked to her and went to the evaluation with her. Well the child started therapy. He was so bad he had to have it INTENSIVe in the home every day for 5 hours a day. He was so bad the therapists worked in shifts in groups of 2. His screaming and behavior was so hard to handle by even the professionals. Well he can say maybe 2 words now. He will interact a little with adults. He has such a long way to go and I feel like the mom still doesnt cope well. Always asks us where her son is - he runs away after church when he is returned to her and she admits he has run down the street in her neighborhood. They have gotten him light up sneakers to make finding him better. PLEASE work out a plan to get this child some help now. EARLY intervention is the key. Does she belong to a play group?Church Group? etc.

 

[Melora]

My husband was a Behavioral Therpist for Autistic children for 5+ years. Yes early intervention helps..... BUT we are in a sort of opposite situation with my step son.

His mother became worried about cetain delays (mostly speech)and took him to be evaluated. They told her he 2 behaviors that could be considered in the autistic spectrum but nothing severe. Instead of waiting (as they suggested) she put him into therapies and special ed preschool at 3. When I met him I knew right away there was nothing seriously wrong with him. He was beyond spoiled.. please think of how Helen Kellers parents treated her and how she behaved like a wild animal.. thats the only way I can describe it. Because his mom thought he was going to be severely disabled she decided that she would never discipline him so he would not have any frustration in his life.

When he came to our house I never put up with any behaviors that were allowed at his house and soon my husband realized that mostly what was wrong with him was that he was allowed to anything that he wanted. Therefore he tantrumed and screamed and would not ask for things in sentences. By the end of a weekend with us he would be normal. I am not exaggerating at all. The minute his mother arrived he would begin screaming and throwing himself on the ground all over again.

To this day (he is now 8) there is not a single thing that could be considered autistic about him. She had him diagnosed as fully autistic thorugh the school so he could get free services. she still has an aid with him in class ("because he cannot control his anger sometimes") and he goes to 4 therapies a week.

His father, who should know an autistic kid, has given up on trying to reason with his ex about this.

Pardon me for getting off on a tangent but I worry so much after this whole experience about people going overboard. And getting involved in the system. My husband likes to see parents going slowly with diagnosis since docters today love to throw around the autistic label.

I am in no way saying that most autistic kids are the result of being spoiled like my step son, so please don't write me or say otherwise. this is just my personal experience that has left a horrible taste in my mouth.

My husband when he was working in the field (state money ran out while he was working for UCLA and they closed the program) he recounts many stories of parents who had had their kids labeled autistic and then found later that in reality, they had other problems (not autism) and they had spent years going down the wrong road.

In general at the 18 month check up (at least in California) the docters give the toddler an "autistic" screening. So early signs can be caught and WATCHED then.

OK Im done rambling now!!

 

[pumba]

he was almost 8 months old and still could not roll over or hold his head up or do anything that is normal for a four month old ......I worried about how to do this without insulting her too.....so I said.....when do you go and see the doctor next.....and she told me ...like a two week time ......and I said......maybe you should ask him for some excercises for you to do with Tyler to help strengthen his neck muscles......and I thought afterwards phewwwwww.....I did it without her being upset.......her son is now 13 and can walk now......but still talks to himself and stares at the lights .....but he is a dear and I am glad that I did something......without hurting her........she had not been around children and this was her first experience......

 

[Judy from Boise]

I actually think testing should be done in early toddlerhood for delays, but diagnosis is best left till early school years. Most early intervention can cluster around speech,social,cognitive delays.


It would be a mistake to put off early intervention due to not wanting a "label " or diagnosis.

 

[lrmillen]

thanks everyone for your input and experiences.

to answer a few questions, this is my friend's first child and she just had him at his 18 month checkup. I don't know if the pediatrician gave him a screening for any developmental delays, but he was declared perfectly healthy. I don't think the pediatrician will be able to spot anything. From my own experience they just check vitals and ask a couple questions about development and if you don't mention anything out of the ordinary the child is healthy. However, I agree with many here that a professional should be the one to pick it out. I just wish my friend would recognize it to go to a professional.

My heart just says that it will be kept putting off when things could be being done to help. I think that maybe I can mention a couple of behaviorisms of her child that should be mentioned to the doctor so that she at least has an idea of it. Even though I know her pretty well, I honestly don't know how she'd take me telling her this. All of us with kids know how protective we are of them.

 

[Melora]

Just out of curiosity, what behaviors is he doing?

I can ask my husband who might at least be able to tell you if it is significant.

At our youngest's 18 month check up he was given toys and they watched him play with them, then they asked questions that are warning signs about autism.. such as does he look at you when you talk to him? I can't for the life of me remember what the other questions were. Autism is such a big thing now-a-days that they have this whole watch list that docters are supposed to ask. But Im not sure if its every state.

 

[Poohnatic]

My son has Asperger's and was diagnosed about 2 years ago.

The Denver Developmental Assessments weren't an indication of being on the spectrum, as he'd hit almost all those milestones early. He was (and still is) a handful, and the doctors dismissed the facts that we were giving about him.

Our daycare provider told us she'd met a boy who was 'just like' my son, and the child had AS...did we consider that he might have it? She handled it in the most tactful way. I found some information on the Net thanks to Alicia, but not enough of it 'matched' my son. I did take him to a doctor because he was clearly ADHD. Between his elementary school and a developmental pediatrician, we confirmed the diagnosis.

Now I see children in my job that I'm pretty sure are 'on the spectrum'...but also don't know what to say sometimes. As I get to know the parents, I can sometimes say something about how the child reminds me of my son. Sometimes, I'll be asked "Is he autistic/pdd/as?"

If you are delicate about it and can express your observations gently, I think it is the best thing you can do for your friend. I'm grateful that I had a daycare provider/friend care enough to tell me what she thought might help.

Thank you so much for caring about how it comes across. Many of us with kids 'on the spectrum' have people judge our kids as bratty, unruly, and terrible without knowing them. Or don't understand that , even as a 7 year old, I don't think my son has the emotional maturity to be in a men's room by himself, or might need a stroller when we travel. So again, thanks, for caring about that child!

Suzanne

 

[lrmillen]

Melora - I have a pretty good feeling that his symptoms are significant because they match perfectly the list on the autism society's website, but the biggest ones are:

His obssession w/ spinning things. It's his fave game, he trys to spin things that aren't even spinable, then will look at it upside down or sideways.

Social interaction is pretty non-existant. No eye contact and he completely tunes the world out and ignores us when he's upset.

He can't handle change. Small example being...He gets upset when a book is over and we switch to another game. His mom just keeps reading him books for over an hour. Big example... He starts to shut down when they leave thier house and are in new enviornments and he'll only want his toys, not new ones at my house.