Attention All Grandparents!!

[Villainess]

I'm a divorced parent and we live w/ my parents right now, so DD and DS spend lots of time w/ them. I don't really ask for them to babysit so I can go out for an evening but they do watch the kids so I can run to the store or if I have a show, meeting, etc - I have a business from home so I take care of the kids. ExDH's parents see the kids on exDH's scheduled days and hours - exMIL picks them up since exDH works too far and doesn't always make it home for his visitation so approx. 12 hours/ week, 18 or so on exDH's weekends since he moved back w/ his parents too.

Your DD really needs to seek legal counsel. I know I was advised by my attorney not to move out right away, as it turned out we sold the house so then DD (pregnant w/ DS) and I were able to move in w/ my parents. I know my attorney and many others offer a free consultation that she can discuss her issues and get some legal advice, also speak w/ them about payment, and a payment schedule, if needed. It is expensive, I will tell you that. My fees alone were approx. $30k over a year's time.

 

[mrsklamc]

Since OP hasn't gotten a chance to respond, I was thinking that maybe OP is multiplying the hours they spend by 2 and that is the total hours they each get to spend?

 

[Nancyg56]

I am a parent and a grandparent. I care for my DGD while my DD and DSIL work, at least 40 hours a week. They live with us but once DD is home I take a huge step back. One thing DH and I did was to make special time so that time with us also was special time, DH had wonderful memories of his Grandma that I did not have and we wanted that for Kady. If you are comfortable with the time you are spending with your grandchildren then that is your answer, if you are getting worn out you need to ask DD and SIL for help.

As a parent, I cannot imagine how difficult a line you walk, no matter the fault watching your DD's marriage dissolve must be heartbreaking and helping your grandchildren adapt must be so sad as well. I would just caution you to remain neutral no matter what you are thinking or feeling. Any words you let go now can come back later to haunt both you and your children.

I remember when my brother and his wife were struggling and my poor DSIL thought my Mom did not like her. My brother approached my Mom and was very upset that Susan was hurt by my Mother's "distance". Turns out my Mom was so mad at my brother and was having a hard time remaining quiet about what she was seeing that she stayed away. That was when he asked me how I felt and I had to tell him the same thing, I thought that he was awful and I would walk through fire for his wife and their children. His wife had never known how much we all loved her until he told her that, and we were so glad we have never said anything about her to him in anger, he never would have forgiven us.

I have brought this to my own DD and DS marriages. I love their spouses and make it a point to tell them that I do, as individuals, not just as the person's who are married to my children. Maybe your DSIL is not laying groundwork to throw your DD under the bus, maybe he is afraid that the relationship you have is not strong enough to weather a divorce or a long separation from your DD and is trying to stay in your good graces. So many have had what they thought was solid relationships severed when a marriage is ended and that may be what he is trying to avoid.

Whatever you do, I wish your family the best, grandparents and parents are in such a tough position. You have time and experience in your favor to help your children make the best choices but they tend to make their own.

 

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

Let me repsond to a few of the questions that have arisen from my OP. I am sorry they are not any order.

1. As for our hours spent caring for our DGS. Originally they numbered an average of 75 hours per week

Monday from 9:30 am through Thursday at 12:30 pm or later (75 hours+) every week

until two weeks ago when DD and SIL separated and worked out another arrangement on their own not through legal channels.
Now my DH and I watch DGS

Sunday night from 6:30 pm to Monday at 4:30 pm 22 hours
Wednesday from 9:30 am to Thursday at 6:30 pm 33 horus
for a total of 55 hours per week

We live about 40 minutes away from DD and SIL so DGS spends Sunday and Wedneday nights with us (part of the schedule above)

2. As for the total number of hours. Yes, it is a lot IOO. However we love our DGS dearly and will do this for him and do not think twice. We have been his primary care givers besides of course his parents since he was born.
DD and SIL can not pay for childcare nor do they have friends or family willing or living close by to pitch in. DGS is the love and joy of our life and we enjoywatching over him and doing activities with him. Both DH and I had very loving, caring grandparents who gave us wonderful memories. We want to do the same for our DGS.

3. As for SIL's parents, they too watch DGS on the weekends (Fri and Sat) during SIL's time with DS. They watch him an average of 12 hours each week. They are in their early 70's with frail health so they do spend less time with GS. However they love DGS too.

4 As for DD, she has yet to get any legal help or advice. I have sought some advice from an attorney and have conveyed this infomation to her. However ahe is very independent (a nice word for bull-headed) and does not take any advice her dad and I give her very well to say the least especially if it comes from me. We both have told her we think she is making a mistake with some of the choices she has made (like moving out right away, not having a legal custody agreement, less time spent with DS, etc) but she does not see this as problems and has chosen to do things her way. So DH and I have backed off. What else can we do? She is 22 married and in charge of her life. No matter what we think she will do this her way, She always has.

5. DH and I know how important it is to put up a united front during this time for DGS. So we do not say anything negative about DD or SIl in front of DGS. We never have. We also do our best to get along with SIl. and always have. We have never treated him unkind or rudely. Even though there are things we dislike about him we have always thought we could see things differently as time passes and we grew to knew him better. We would perfer the two of them work things out for the sake of their marriage as well as their DS. However if they can't, we will support the family in general even if its divided for the sake of our DGS.

6. As for SIl laying groundwork for a messy divorce. This statement was based solely on SIL's attitude in the past. He has proven to us many times that he can put on one face to us and another to DD. He has threaten DD in the recent past with a messy divorce and now he seems much nicer to us then ever and keeps saying to everyone incl. us that he has told DD "that she can come back home whenever she wants". He also calls DD and tells her after he sees us (dropping or picking up DGS) that we like him and support their getting back together, etc. This in turn makes DD feel we are supporting him not her. We now watch the comments we say to both of them as we do not want to be put in the middle of this. The truth is we just want both of them to work on their issues.

Well I think this answers some of the questions. Thanks for all the comments. As I said before all advice is helpful to us and we appreciate it all.

 

[mrsklamc]

I didn't think of overnights! Goodness! I thought, if he spends every minute that he's AWAKE with you, when does he see his parents! I understand better now.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I just want to give a big to all those grandparents who help with their grandchildren! I would do anything to have parents who helped out once in awhile with my children. My mom passed away before my oldest was born, my father isn't capable of taking care of children, and neither is my MIL. Your children should feel so blessed to have supportive grandparents for their children!

 

[disykat]

It appears you have basically shared custody of your grandchild. I'm pretty sure that's rare.

Most grandparents either see their grandchildren socially, or provide daycare, or occasionally babysitting, or have custody of them if thier parents are unable to care for them. It sounds like you do all of the above?

 

[rluey29]

You mean grandparents actually watch their grandkids???

My youngest son is 21 months old and my mother has never once watched him. She doesn't even come over to see my children for a few hours. I've asked her multiple times just so my husband and I could have some time alone. She always has some excuse. I don't get it. Both my DS8 and DS21mo are great kids. I have major resentment towards her for the way she's been.

Congratulations to those of you who treasure the time spent with your grandkids. They're only little once!

 

[LadyShea]

My parents live 100 yards away and my in laws just moved to the area last week, they are less than a mile away. DS also has "honorary" grandparents in our next door neighbors, and his biological grandparents (open adoption) in another state.

DH was a stay at home dad until recently and we just worked out a schedule which includes his mom, so GS doesn't have to go to work with DH at all (which we are all happy about)

DS has spent Mondays with the neighbors since he was 3 months old and that continues.
My mom watches him Wednesday and Thursday, 9-5ish, sometimes here, sometimes at her house, or she splits the days to relieve boredom. My dad travels M-F so this works out well for her
MIL and her mom have him Tuesday and Friday (the days my mom works) 10-6ish (FIL has yet to move here, he is closing up business affairs on the previous home state)

We see his bio family several times a year, and email/call

We also spend tons of family time together (my brother and niece as well as DH's sister and her family), sharing meals several times a week, going places together on weekends, etc.

I grew up with my grandparents being a day's drive away and busy, so am thrilled DS gets all this time with multiple generations who adore him.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

Sorry to hear that things are not getting any better with DD and SIL.

I'm a SAHM, but also a single mom for wees at a time due to DH's work. My parents and InLaws live close by.

My parents watch DD3 m-f from 1-4 (nap time at their house) so I can get DS5 from school and do homework without as much distraction (she has to be into everything he does) when DH is gone. Saturdays they go to my parents for breakfast and lunch (9-1) just to spend time and have fun. Saturday nights they go to MIL's (FIL too) from 5ish-9...MIL works all week so this is her tie with them. When home FIL (works with DH so is not always home) will take them (or one) randomly for a few hours. Some weeks my parents will have the kids for dinner (so like 2-3 hours). Sometimes DD or DS will just want to go to my parents to play (different environment, different toys). When DH and I have to go out of town the kids either both stay at one set of grandparents or will split up one at each...this isn't too often though. MIL has taken the kids on weekend trips to see family on the next island over.

Honestly the older they get the fewer time the spend with the grandparents...school, friends, etc. When they were little I got a lot of help (to the point that I sometimes felt like I couldn't raise my own kids because they thought I needed so much help), but the more independent they become the less help know/show I need (well, depending on the day).

 

[Vijoge]

You mean grandparents actually watch their grandkids???

Not always. I have three boys (all grown now). My sister has one daughter and my brother has one son (both also grown).

When all the kids were young my mother babysat my niece while my sister worked as well as when she wanted to shop, go out, etc. Mom also had my nephew over every other weekend to spend the night. Not once did she ever watch, babysit, or otherwise entertain my boys. I understand your resentment.

 

[kpadalik]

How wonderful for you to be so involved in your DGS life! You are truly an angel and I'm sure your DD is grateful to have you involved, especially with the situation she is in right now.

I'm surprised at how many people experience the same thing I do when it comes to grandparents involvement. My mom lives maybe 10 minutes away and comes over maybe once every 1-2 weeks for about 1/2 hour or so to see DD1 and this is usually when my DD6 is at school (so she rarely sees her). I've asked her to watch my girls before for a couple of hours, but she is always the last one asked because of her responses. She always does this huge sigh, and says "Wellllllll, I guess" like it's a big burden on her. I always tell her if she can't do it, no problem, I'll see if MIL (who lives 30 min away and would drive 2 HOURS to babysit for an hour if I really needed it) can do it. Then she is quick to respond, okay I'll do it. And I rarely ask her b/c she doesn't really "play" with the kids, more of just "watching" them, KWIM?

What makes me so bitter is that she ALWAYS watches my sister's 2 kids, no problem. She volunteers so sister and her BF can go on date night, so sister can go to grocery store, etc. I've even caught her before saying no to me and then the next day saying yes to sister...what the heck is with that? I'm beginning to feel something is wrong with me or my kids!

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I am a grandmother with 3 wonderful grandchildren. They live about an hour away. I am single, and I work long hours so I don't see them as much as I would like. My daughter in law does not work outside the home and she and my son rarely go out without the children (by their choice) so I don't do much babysitting. I do try to visit them or have them come here once a week or once every two weeks, depending on my work shedule. My other three kids (the uncles and aunt) don't have children yet and they also LOVE to spend time with these kids, so we feel like we're in competition sometimes!

Teresa

 

[Trixie15]

My parents live 9+ hours away and see our kids 2x a year if we are lucky. They see my brother's kids even less than that since they live farther away. I wish we could arrange it so that they could spend more time together. I am bitter that we can't move and they won't move and my kids are growing up without them.

My MIL sees our kids about 1x per month but it's just a visit, not a babysitting thing. That is pretty rare, maybe once every 6 months or so; just long enough for dh and I to go out to dinner alone.

 

[CookingMama]

Wow some of you are so blessed.
My mom is in her 80s now and we have her come stay with us through months of the year that are hard for her to get out and a couple weeks here and there. She goes to my brothers as well and then she is so independent just wants to keep her own apartment. But we are looking at assisted living now since she won't move in with any of us fulltime.
The children bother her with the sound and constant excitement of our day to day. She wears out with a trip to the grocery store.
My kids, especially my nine yr old daughter do a great job helping me take care of their Grandma.

 

[dyna]

I have only babysat my 2 gsons who lives a mile away 1 time! I have another DD who is more than willing to babysit for her sis which is the main reason I haven't babysat more.

DD does bring the gsons over frequently sometimes to often tho that has gotten better since DD has her own puter an internet service at home now of course this too is at DH's expense just like her car insurance, home insurance, telephone.

SiL works at the local Walfart so does not make much money DD is going to school to get her masters degree an working right now with the 2 littles once of which is special needs an has therapy every day that I think it's important for DD to be there for.

Gsons other grandma has seen the baby 3 times in 18 months she lives maybe an hour away. That is her fault she calls says she is coming then doesn't show up DD learned long time ago not to go out of her way for the woman.

 

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

Thank you for all your compliments and well-wishes. It is hard to go through any family issue as we all know Separation and divorce can be increasingly streefull for all those involved as DH and I have recently been finding out. Our hearts go out to anyone who finds themselves in this situation. It is alway helpful when soemone cares enough to support you in some way when you are going through difficult times whether it be large or small. So thank you for your prayers and support.

I also just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear from some of you that your parents do not watch your children but for only a couple times a year or even not at all. How very sad for them. DH and I could not imagine a life without our DGS in it. We enjoy our time each week with him and love watching him grown, learn and expierence new things. Two days ago he said his name for the first time. We were so excited! We have gotten to witness a a lot of his firsts and each one is amazing and special. We feel so fortunate. We always make sure to share these very special moments with DD and SIL as well.

Not all grandparents are as involved with their grandchild/ grandchildren as DH and I choose to be. Some desperately want to be but can't because of work, age, health or distance. For the most part these factors can't be helped.

Others however either just don't have the skill and/or patience level to deal with children or perhaps just don't want to be involved for whatever personal reason they have. IMO they are truly missing out. They obviously have no idea how much joy comes from caring for or spending time with a child.

For those of you who have this situation in your life, my advice would be don't let it get to you. Don't let it make you angry, bitter or resentful because that will end up hurting your child even more. Try to remember that not all people have what it takes to be a good parent and the same goes for grandparents. Love your child and give them an extra hug ot two. It is not your fault nor your child's that your parent or parents act this way. Remember they are the ones that are missing out on all your child has to offer. .

 

[Nom]

Since the question of how much time grandparents typically seem to spend w grandkids has already been addressed, it seems, I will give my input towards the other question you asked in your OP, how you can help your GS get through this.

Given the amount of time you spend with your GS, you are pretty much the main caregiver for him... and even if you weren't, I still think you would learn a lot by reading this book:

Good Parenting Through Your Divorce: The Essential Guidebook to Helping Your Children Adjust and Thrive Based on the Leading National Program
By: Mary Ellen Hannibal

It is SO great. It gives practical tips on how to get through this and make sure you do what it best for the kids, specific tips on ages and what your child is going though at that age and how to handle it, and stories of familes who went through divorce. It's a must read.

As for your daughter's stubbornness- if you print out your threads and give them to her to read, do you think she would be more open to them? Because not getting legal council really is a terrible mistake. And there are free alternatives. Here in NJ, they have mediation available for free (up to a certain amount of hours). She may not care now, but it is amazing the legal ramifications that simple actions can have.

 

[disykat]

Now I'm even more confused than ever after your last post. I gather the reason you are with your grandchild that many hours a week is simply that you choose to, not that the parents have requested or need your help?

While it sound like you are terrific grandparents, my own inlaw issues can't help but make me wonder if the SIL feels that he's being usurped and you are coparenting his children.

Sorry if I'm way off base, I'm just not understanding why a child would be away from his parents so many hours each week. I know you love your grandchildren, but I just don't understand being upset that you are "only" seeing them 56 hours a week unless there is some issue where the parents don't properly care for them.

 

[miprender]

I am very fortunate that I am able to work 2 days a week and have my mom and mother in law babysit for me(at our home) on those days. We have had that since DD5 was born. DH is a teacher so they get summers off too, but my kids love having all the undivided attention on those days.

But unfortunately my sister in law (Dh's sister) lives 2 hrs away and gets no help at all from her inlaws(whom live in the same town) and her parents can't help due to the distance and reminds me how lucky I am.

Your grandkids will always remember the time they got to spend with you, especially during this troubling time.