Attending a Catholic funeral questions

[daannzzz]

I am not religious so do not know all the customs for a Catholic funeral.

There is a viewing and Rosary on Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 12:00 - 8:00. I understand that the body is available to pay last respects but I don't understand what occurs for 8 hours each day and what do I do when I arrive. Am I able to go in and meditate with the deceased for a few minutes and then leave or is this an organized event where people go in in groups and then attend Rosary? What is the usual dress for a viewing?

The funeral is on Monday which I assume is similar other funerals only longer. I will most likely not be able to attend the interment. Then there is a reception. Is there any custom I need to be aware of?

Thanks for any help.

 

[Mkrop]

I am not religious so do not know all the customs for a Catholic funeral.

There is a viewing and Rosary on Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 12:00 - 8:00. I understand that the body is available to pay last respects but I don't understand what occurs for 8 hours each day and what do I do when I arrive. Am I able to go in and meditate with the deceased for a few minutes and then leave or is this an organized event where people go in in groups and then attend Rosary? What is the usual dress for a viewing?

The funeral is on Monday which I assume is similar other funerals only longer. I will most likely not be able to attend the interment. Then there is a reception. Is there any custom I need to be aware of?

Thanks for any help.

That is a lot of viewing time. Most Catholic viewing I have been to have been the night before and that morning. That is a long time for a family to have to see people. Or is this some sort of VIP, the reason I ask is that our former pastor just died and there is a lot of time to pay respects bc of how large our parish is.

Now some answers may be regional. I am in SE PA.

During a viewing, you get in line and pay your respects to the family, then wither before or after you can pray in front of the deceased. Sometimes if you are there, a priest may say some additional prayers. I have been there where I have been in and out, and other times where the prayer service started and I wait and particiapate in that. (you dont have to participate if you are not relgious, but just be respectful until it is over) I would try to time it after the Rosary bc that could take awhile.

Around here most men were suits or at least a shirt and tie if the weather is warm. But I have also seen people come right from work too, so I have seen work uniforms, scrubs etc.

Now the actual funeral will most likely be a Mass, so at least an hour, maybe and hour and half. I usually see people once again dressed in suits or blazers, and women in dress pants or dresses.


I am sorry for your loss.

 

[RabbitFood]

First, you have my condolences.

Second--wow--three days for the visitation?! Holy Moses! At the Catholic wakes/funerals I've been to, the rosary is usually said during the last hour. They will announce that they're getting ready to do the rosary, giving you a chance to quietly leave should you not wish to participate. If you stay, it will take a while.
When you arrive, there will probably be a guest book. Sign it. It's also a place to get a remembrance card of the deceased. Then join the line that goes past the family who are standing near the casket. Express your condolences/introduce yourself if necessary. Move on to the casket. Some people might kneel and pray--you don't have to. Pause a moment and then move on. It's fine to look at the flowers/pictures/videos on display along the way.
Dress conservatively--no bright colors/bold prints. Black slacks with a dark
blouse is fine.

 

[ChickieToo]

A three day viewing is highly unusual in this day and age. I remember a time when the "wake" was two evenings from say 4-8 or 9, and then the funeral, but over the last twenty years I think every catholic viewing I've been to has been for one night, from 4-8. This is what we did for both of my parents: dad 10 years ago, and mom about 18 months ago. Upon entering you will sign a guest book on your way into the viewing room, then you will approach the casket. You will have an opportunity to either kneel or stand by the casket and say a prayer. Then you go and say hello to the family and offer your condolensces. If you want you can then go sit and meditate or say hello to others you know. You don't have to stay for any designated length of time.

I don't know what the relationship is between you and the deceased, but I would say you only need to attend one viewing. Usually there is a prayer service (in your case a rosary) which takes place at varying times during the service--I've seen it both early in the viewing and towards the end. It may depend upon the availability of the priest.

The funeral will most likely be a full mass and have special readings by people who were close to the deceased. The priest will say a Eulogy, and there may or may not be a Eulogy by a close friend or family member. The service shouldn't really be any longer than most other funerals. I'm catholic and my DH is jewish, and I swear the jewish ceremony is longer.

At any rate, your clothing should be clean, modest and respectful. There are no real rules otherwise.

Good luck

 

[mjantz]

If you're lucky the priest will walk all non-Catholics through the service. Since you're not religious it's probably not an issue but you cannot take communion/mass unless you are Catholic.

 

[Princess_Meghan <3]

For the viewings I've been to recently, there was a receiving line, and the family stood at the end of it near the casket. People waited in the line, and went up to talk to the family, then meditated or prayed near the deceased for a few minutes. Some people stay for a while, and others only come in for a few minutes. Both the viewings I went to were for family members, and we always appreciated that people came at all, and how long they stayed didn't matter to us.

Any prayer service is typically held towards the end of the viewing hours, so I'm assuming that's when the rosary will be.

For how to dress, wear nice clothes. Black or grey slacks or skirt, button up shirt or blouse, that kind of thing. We did have some people come in work clothes (more casual) because they had come straight from work, but we were happy that they had come at all.

As for the actual funeral, I can't think of any customs that you should be away of, other than if there is communion, non-catholics cannot receive it. If there are any others, hopefully someone else knows of them.

I hope that helps some.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I am not religious so do not know all the customs for a Catholic funeral.

There is a viewing and Rosary on Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 12:00 - 8:00. I understand that the body is available to pay last respects but I don't understand what occurs for 8 hours each day and what do I do when I arrive. Am I able to go in and meditate with the deceased for a few minutes and then leave or is this an organized event where people go in in groups and then attend Rosary? What is the usual dress for a viewing?

The funeral is on Monday which I assume is similar other funerals only longer. I will most likely not be able to attend the interment. Then there is a reception. Is there any custom I need to be aware of?

Thanks for any help.

I am sorry for your loss.

I would guess that you don't have to stay the whole time. It is kind of like a...forgive me...an open house of sorts. You come where you are able and stay as long as you like.

So to answer your question--yes you can go and meditate with the deceased for a few minutes and then leave.

Rosaries are typically prayed aloud and in unison. You do not have to participate. You can just have your own private meditation.

They may be doing the rosary throughout the day--with a small break in between. Rosaries are a series of prayers...and can take about 30-45 minutes to do a complete one, depending on how fast the leader is leading the prayers.

I did not wear my funeral attire--but I did dress nicer than casual, to attend the viewing.

I am not aware of any particular customs that are unique. But you again or not obligated to do any of those things. Just come as you are.

The funeral is often a mass--so it is not necessarily longer or shorter than other funerals. It is just done in a different way. Family members did the readings, and the priest talks about the deceased during the homily and comforts the family members. A eulogy might be included.

A mass is typically an hour--a funeral may take a little longer depending on the length of the eulogies.

I cannot think of any customs that stand out.

The two that I have attended that stand out, the internment was private for family members and only one had a reception. As that was on Valentine's day, people were giving Grandma valentine's.

 

[Donaldswife]

A three day viewing is highly unusual in this day and age. I remember a time when the "wake" was two evenings from say 4-8 or 9, and then the funeral, but over the last twenty years I think every catholic viewing I've been to has been for one night, from 4-8. This is what we did for both of my parents: dad 10 years ago, and mom about 18 months ago. Upon entering you will sign a guest book on your way into the viewing room, then you will approach the casket. You will have an opportunity to either kneel or stand by the casket and say a prayer. Then you go and say hello to the family and offer your condolensces. If you want you can then go sit and meditate or say hello to others you know. You don't have to stay for any designated length of time.

I don't know what the relationship is between you and the deceased, but I would say you only need to attend one viewing. Usually there is a prayer service (in your case a rosary) which takes place at varying times during the service--I've seen it both early in the viewing and towards the end. It may depend upon the availability of the priest.

The funeral will most likely be a full mass and have special readings by people who were close to the deceased. The priest will say a Eulogy, and there may or may not be a Eulogy by a close friend or family member. The service shouldn't really be any longer than most other funerals. I'm catholic and my DH is jewish, and I swear the jewish ceremony is longer.

At any rate, your clothing should be clean, modest and respectful. There are no real rules otherwise.

Good luck

While it is highly unusual, it is still done. We did the 3 day viewing, rosary, full mass, and internment for my DH's grandfather when he passed away 8 years ago. We will do the same for his Grandmother when it is her time. They were both very old school catholic, both born and raised in Sicily, and that is their tradition.

Don't worry OP, the officiants at the site will be happy to direct you, and I'm sure no one will feel slighted if you do not know all the nuances. Most families are appreciative of you sharing your condolences even if you are not sure of their families religious customs.

 

[mickeyboat]

The last Catholic funeral I went to had calling hours at a funeral home (no rosary) and a mass at the church. The priest did walk everyone through when they should sit, kneel and stand. Sometimes different parishes use different customs, so even Catholics might be a little confused about the steps.

The only thing I might caution you about is with regards to communion. If you are not a practicing Catholic and know what you need to have done befre you receive communion (in a state of grace, fasting, having gone to confession, etc), you should not receive communion. The priest may encourage you to come up during communion to receive a blessing, though. At the last funeral I went to, the priest asked those who were coming for a blessing to cross their arms across their chests to signal they were there for the blessing and not for communion.

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Saying the Rosary takes a very long time, I would call the funeral home and avoid that particular time frame if you are not a religious person.

I don't know if the West Coast is different from the East Coast but the 8 hours are so the family is not alone and can receive people at the funeral home all day who will come & go over time. We usually do 3 days to allow for people coming from great distances and so that the family can grieve with loved ones with them for support, I've never been to one with less time. Usually when you walk in you go to the casket, kneel & say a prayer for the deceased, take a prayer card/mass card, pay your respects to the family then sit for a little bit, hopefully remembering the person who has passed away. After a respectable time period you just say goodbye and can leave.

The last day is the worst day because people are preparing for the burial mass and graveside services and is usually reserved for the closest family and friends, here people are most likely to be most upset, in my experience anyway. The first day is a day of shock, also not good to see. If I were you I would go the second day avoiding the rosary situation, unless you really want to be a part of it, just look up what the Rosary is before you decide, its beautiful and comforting but very long.

Dress is usually dark & modest.

 

[lizabu]

My Grandmas viewing was several hours. I think it's done like that so everyone gets a chance to make it regardless of their schedules. When I went no one else was there. I signed the guest book and saw my Grandma and said a prayer and left. Sometimes you will run into other people at these things depending what time you show up. The rosary is also said at the end and more people tend to show up around then to be there for it. I went to the funeral too and it was a mass and was about 1 hour. Afterwards we all went to the graveyard and the priest said a few more words there and everyone put a rose on her casket. Afterwards we went to a reception hall where there were sandwiches and various foods.

 

[golfgal]

First, you have my condolences.

Second--wow--three days for the visitation?! Holy Moses! At the Catholic wakes/funerals I've been to, the rosary is usually said during the last hour. They will announce that they're getting ready to do the rosary, giving you a chance to quietly leave should you not wish to participate. If you stay, it will take a while.
When you arrive, there will probably be a guest book. Sign it. It's also a place to get a remembrance card of the deceased. Then join the line that goes past the family who are standing near the casket. Express your condolences/introduce yourself if necessary. Move on to the casket. Some people might kneel and pray--you don't have to. Pause a moment and then move on. It's fine to look at the flowers/pictures/videos on display along the way.
Dress conservatively--no bright colors/bold prints. Black slacks with a dark
blouse is fine.

This is right on. I have never seen a 3 day wake/service. They are almost always the afternoon/evening before the funeral Mass, generally held in the morning (10:00) or so, with a short service graveside and back to the church for lunch. The only real difference I have seen from this is when they only have the wake the morning of the service.

 

[daannzzz]

Thanks so much for all the information and advice. I will probably go to the viewing tomorrow after work but will bring a tie to put on. I will also ask about prayers and Rosary beforehand.
This is someone I was involved with for 5 years but we had broken up 6 years ago. They were only 35 and killed in a horrible accident. I did not know any of the family so will be a stranger there.

 

[gina2000]

I remember 3 day wakes from my childhood. In my area it's been eventually whittled down to 1 afternoon and 1 evening viewing (2-4 and 7-9) the day before the funeral. Prayers are during the evening viewing...usually around 8pm. I haven't seen a 3 day wake in probably 25 years....but I do remember them vividly.

Go, pay your respects...don't worry about attire. Conservative dress is usually the best way to go but in this day and age I've seen it all.

 

[leight]

OP, my condolances. You might want to call the funeral home to get a verbal schedule of the events so you know what to expect regarding the formality of the religious ceremony of the viewing. Also, be prepared that while close family members may be wailing/screaming at the front, it may have an area that almost seems like a social gathering. This can be the norm.

I grew up in a Catholic Italian family and was always rather amused by the production of our families' wake and funeral habits. It seemed like more of an excuse for family socializing than memoralizing the deceased. We had a funeral home that served our family and they had viewing(wake) services from 2-5 and 7-9 each day, and there were usually 3 days of viewing. The room was usually available 1 hour prior to each session for private viewing & prayers for most immediate family. At Noon the first day, a priest would be present to pray and bless the deceased and comfort the widow(er) and children, parents & siblings.

The front row would be reserved for the widow(er) and mother(matriarch) of the deceased. They had high backed chairs flanked by rows of lower chairs. Usually a line would form to the right of the casket and there was a cushioned bench to kneel on in front of the casket to meditate, pray and say goodbye. We'd exit to the left and pay respects to the widow/mom etc . The last rows of the viewing room were usually the cousins and aunts who were viewing recent pictures of the kids and gossiping about family/friends and events since the last wedding/funeral. The lobby was usually filled with gentlemen who were speaking boisterously to each other, reminiscing and catching up with family they haven't seen since the last wedding/funeral. It always struck me as more of a social event.

Between viewings there was always food available at a family member's home nearby. Coldcut platters and hot foods were usually available and different family members would take turns providing it.

The third night (7-9) viewing would be the prayer and rosary attended by the family priest. Quite lovely and symbolic if you are religiously inclined.

The mass was the following morning and often family members would read passages or perform their eulogy then.

The funeral procession followed, usually from the church in a line of cars with their headlights on preceeded by the hearse/family limo(s). We'd pass the decedent's home, school or favorite hangout if local. Then on to the cemetary and sometimes immediate family attended a gravesite service.

There was usually a 'reception' at a favorite restaurant or catering venue following.

I am glad that traditions are simplifying -either because of prohibitive costs or the busy nature of lives today. Now, its usually one, maybe two days of viewing and then the Funeral mass. The reception is still standard- even in cases like my aunt who didn't want the viewing(s)- rather she wanted to be cremated and a memorial mass said at her childhood parish and then a reception at her favorite restaurant. This was 20 yrs ago so she broke from the traditions very early- and my mom & I had her instructions in writing but we still had to fight with her siblings.(this was my father's sister but my mother's best friend) She knew only my mom or I would stand up to the family. My will states that I will be cremated and have a portion of a life insurance policy set aside to take family members to Epcot for the day to remember me. (I have an illness that has made my mortality a reality to me). If you are going to have the party and family gathering-then go straight to it and enjoy it with me in spirit at my favorite place!

 

[Disney Doll]

Sorry for the loss of your friend. It's very hard when someone dies suddenly.

A 3 day wake is pretty rare these days, as far as I know. Your thought to go on day 2 is probably a good one. Basically, you just need to enter the viewing room. You'll either go to pay your respects to the deceased 1st, or you'll go to the famly 1st...you'll kind of be able to tell where to go 1st when you get in the room. Just get in the line and follow it along. Since this is a younger person, the wake will probably be big, so be prepared to wait in line, especially if you can't get there right when it starts. My husband's 50 year old cousin died in December and over 1000 people came to his wake. It was about 6.5 hours long...unusual for our area where wakes are usually 4 hours the night before the funeral Mass. At its height, the wait in line was 1.5 hours long.

When you speak to the family, you may need to say something like "Mary and I were friends years ago when we lived in Cleveland/worked at IBM/went to the same church/went to Brown University"....whatever commonality you and the deceased had which would give the family some idea of how you knew the her. If the family knew you or knew of you when you and she were dating, then you can say "Mary and I dated for a while several years and she was a lovely woman/a great gal/so very kind/ we always had so much fun together. I have very fond memories".

Once you have paid your respects to the deceased and spoken to her family, you can sit for a while in the room if you so desire or you can leave. There will be some sort of guest book, usually near the doorway into the viewing room, which you can sign and there are usually prayer cards near the guest book that have the deceased's name, birthdate, death date, and some sort of prayer or reflection or poem or something on them. You only have to go one of the three nights if you are not close family.

Usually they'll announce that the priest is going to come to say some prayers or say the Rosary. If you don't want to stay for that, then get up and go right then. It's kind of rude to leave in the middle of the praying.

You can also go to the church if you so desire. A Catholic funeral is usually about 1-1.5 hours long, depending on the size of the crowd and how much "pomp" there is with regard to music, incense etc. Some are what we call a "High Mass" which usually takes longer. If these folks are having a 3 day wake, then chances are they are also having a High Mass. If you are not Catholic, you cannot take Holy Communion. As far as what to do in church, some priests will actually say "Please stand, please kneel" or whatever. If not, just follow along with the crowd. There are always a few Catholics who will know when to sit, stand & kneel.

Dress is not sloppy. At the very least a nice sport shirt and nice pants. If you want to throw on a tie, all the better.

 

[DopeyDame]

OP, that's very kind of you to go and offer condolances. Like everyone else has said, don't worry too much about protocal - just being there will be appeciated.
the only thing I wanted to add was logistics about the internment, as that seemed to be the part that most confused and stressed some non-Catholic friends at a recent funeral. After mass (or before occasionally) there will probably be someone handing out magnets or antenna balls or something to indicate that you are part of the funeral procession. Take whatever they are handing out and just head back to your car, turn your headlights on, and then it should be pretty obviousl when the procession starts. Simply get in line and drive to the gravesite. Once you're there, the Priest will say a prayer over the casket and there will probably be a song sung or group prayer said. PLEASE don't feel remotely awkward or uncomfortable if you don't know the words. Just stand respectfully. After that, everyone typically heads somewhere for the reception.

Like a PP said, don't be suprised if at times the viewing or reception seem like a happy social gathering. that's in the long and grand tradition of Italian and Irish wakes.

 

[Sparkleshine]

I am sorry for your loss.

A note if you go to the mass:

As others have already said don't take communion. Just sit and meditate.

Also you don't have to kneel during the prayer portions if it make you uncomfortable - just remain sitting.

You should be able to easily follow along with the others and the priest will usually lead you as to when you should stand, sit, kneel.

As a heads up - There is usually a portion of the service where people greet one another near them - shake hands, offer 'peace be with you' blessings to each other.

 

[DopeyDame]

As a heads up - There is usually a portion of the service where people greet one another near them - shake hands, offer 'peace be with you' blessings to each other.

Great point! The first time my now-DH came to mass with me (he's not Catholic), we got to the sign of the peace, and I hugged him, I hugged my roommate, he hugged my roommate (which was fine as they were friends), he then proceeded to hug the perfect stranger sitting next time, figuring that that's what he was supposed to do! Poor guy was mortified, and I felt so bad for not warning him.
So OP, when the priest says "We now offer each other the sign of Peace" and people start interacting, just stick with the hand shake - any hugs being given are probably among family and close friends.

 

[ENSOCK]

Three days does seem like a long time. The trend around here is doing everything in one day. Having the "visitation" in the morning, mass at around 2 then burial following. That is what mom wanted. Dad says when it is his time he wants us to skip the visitation and go right to mass and burial.