At what point did you stop going to family parties?

[SamRoc]

My dh told me today that there is a party in June that one of his brothers is having and to be sure to mark it on the calendar. This is the same brother who doesn't acknowledge me or my kids (he told my husband that, long story) There is no love lost between me and my dh's family. I told my dh I am not going to this party and that he could go with the kids, the dog, the fish, I don't care. I am too old to be going to parties with people I don't like, or don't like me. Lifes too short. But its better off that I don't sit there with a knot in my stomach and have my blood pressure go up because I don't feel comfortable with the people I am with. Has anyone else gone through this?

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

Yes, my mom didn't care for her relatives or my dad's. Eventually, she withdrew from all activities with them. My dad had to make her attend his mother's funeral. I don't think she lost a moment's sleep by not attending family parties. My dad just went without her. Do what you feel comfortable with.

 

[wheeler1]

After 20 long years with my husbands family, I too decided enough was enough. I firmly believe I wasnt put on this wonderful earth to be their punching bag. Took me awhile but I did it!

You're right, life is too short. I dont believe it is wrong to declare an end to any toxic relationships we may be involved in. Even if it is family.

Sometimes it really is better to acknowledge this has never worked and will never work and walk away.

I know I feel as though a weight has been lifted. Wish I hadnt waited so long to set this free...

I wish you the strength to get through this!

 

[Wishing on a star]

If your BIL has indeed said what you have posted... Then it is not a matter of you being the one pulling-back or making a negative decision.

Your BIL made the decision that you were not acknowledged or welcome. And, if he said the same for your children. Then I would have a problem with my DH placing his children in that situation.

As I have posted on the DIS several times, based on a lot of personal experience, in-law issues are usually, in reality, marriage issues.

What exactly is your DH saying about the situation???

When you say,

...its better off that I don't sit there with a knot in my stomach and have my blood pressure go up...

It sounds like your husband is not acknowledging or caring about your feelings. It sounds like he is not defending or respecting you as his wife, or your marriage to each other.

I finally told my DH outright that either he would care about my feelings, and show that he loved me enough to protect and defend me, or I would simply not see his family. As long as I had inlaws who would treat me like that, and a husband who would not address the issue, then I was simply removing myself from that situation.

Best thing I ever did!

You are right, life is too short!

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I skipped Christmas 2004 at my inlaws. I made up an excuse, & sent DH & DS. I had to go last year, because it's hard to come up with a good excuse 2 yrs. in a row. I'm already thinking about what important thing I really need to do this year.

We live in a different state than both our families. When we go to visit any time other than Christmas, I stay with my family (as does he), but he & DS will go visit them one day. In my situation, my MIL loves me to death, when my DH is around. The minute he leaves the room the whole conversation turns to his ex & their relationship with her. I warned him last Christmas that he would not leave me at any time, & it went okay. We've been together 16 yr., & married almost 14. You'd think she'd get over it, by now.

 

[mickeyboat]

If DH's family made me feel that badly, I would have no problem not attending their party. I would, however, probably attend if it was a special occasion like a wedding or christening.

Denae

 

[Kirby]

Will it cause problems for your marriage if you withdraw from his side of the family?

 

[grinningghost]

My husband and I would prefer to never attend most family parties. We've found just because there's common blood, doesn't mean you're going to like one another or have anything in common.

We both find the conversation forced and it's really uncomfortable. We're much happier at home and with people (mostly unrelated) with which we have something good to talk about.

I think you know when it's time to cut the cord.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I'm not on good terms with DH sis so I've already made up my mind that the kids and I will not attend any functions at her home. (She managed to draw my kids into her last tirade and I won't stand for that.)

DH and I have been married almost 19 years and together 21, his family has since day one, not planned a single holiday or family function until a day or two before. This drives us both crazy as we have busy schedules and most of the time have made plans before they call us. For example his cousin called me last Thursday, they were having a 1st b'day party for their DS on Saturday afternoon and wanted us to come. Well lets see...DH was working all day, DS#1 had a golf match for school, and I had plans with my mom...so no we didn't make it. Turns out they had over 40 people there - I'm sure they didn't even miss us.

After my SIL's last tirade where she said some really hateful things about our children, my DH and I are both in agreement that we won't be going to her house. We will still go to family function elsewhere even if she's in attendance but I'm not inviting her over to our house. This may mean we'll miss a Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving with MIL & FIL but we see them all the time anyway.

I think you should do what you are comfortable with, talk to your DH and explain why you and the kids won't be going. Why put yourself through all of that.

 

[DisneyJen0504]

My situation is rather different. I am close with DH's family and Dh is super close to my side of the family. So, not to be cheesy, but we always go to family parties-we enjoy spending time with our families. Now if either side made one of us feel uncomfortable, that would be a different story.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Is there a story behind this we should know before commenting?

Were you a mistress and broke up his family or something? Just wondering? Why would his brother say something so cruel and on top of that accept it?

 

[SamRoc]

Is there a story behind this we should know before commenting?

Were you a mistress and broke up his family or something? Just wondering? Why would his brother say something so cruel and on top of that accept it?

I am sitting here smiling and I have to thank you for the laugh! I only wish I had been someones mistress (only kidding!!) but my life is very boring, Actually my dh and I have been together since I was 16 (am 48 now) The reason why my brother in law told my husband that he no longer acknowledges me or my kids is because my husband doesn't acknowledge his kids. Does that make sense? Guess I should have posted that in the first place to avoid confusion. I really think the problem is that my brother in law asked my dh to be Godfather to one of his kids, and my dh never treated her any more special than the other kids. I really think this is between the brothers and my dh and his brother need to fix this. He's ok with my decision now, and knows I'm serious, but he's the one who really needs to fix this mess with his family, it affects everyone, especially the cousins, who don't see eachother as much as they should.

 

[Planogirl]

I'd tell your husband to go to the party by himself and to also deal with the brother asap. He's the one who has to deal with this squabble; not you and certainly not the kids.

I'd only send the kids if they would have fun and would remain unaffected by this silly argument. I might also relent if their grandparents would be there and would enjoy seeing the kids. I would not go myself however and would just use the time to get some thing done (or to DIS).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok...thanks for the explanation. I am 41 and geesh when you get older some of the family baloney gets weird!!!! Hahahaha...I moved away last year. I really miss all the drama.

I assume your kids are older than mine, so they could go or not go to family events as their own choice just as you do. Not like they are young, they know the family "issues", I suppose.

Yep, stay home, go to a movie, have a bath, etc...

 

[C.Ann]

There are certain people in my life who I feel are extremely "toxic" - and yes, some of them are family members..

I will not endanger my own well being to satisfy the needs of those toxic people..

Stay home - and don't give it another thought..

 

[poohandwendy]

I wouldn't go either. I have no interest in being around toxic people.

I would leave the decision up to my DH if it were his family being that way, but if it were my family and they treated my DH that way, none of us would be there.

 

[Marla Hellwig]

My MIL - on our wedding day - said - we aren't really you (meaning me) welcoming to our family - and by the way - dont give us any grandchildren

They were never that thrilled with our daughter - yes they would babysit once in a great while - then my husband - their son died - I was blamed for his death - like a unknown medical condition was my fault

Now FIL is gone, both of his sisters are married and living out of state (with children), both her mother and father are gone, and her sister and bil, now that both of them have retired, are traveling more and not around as much - so we hear from hera little more than once in a while - I try to keep the channels of communication open for my daughter's sake, but my daughter knows and has known for years that she is down the line in the pecking order on that side of the family.

Now MIL has her house up for sale and plans on moving - probably to be near of her daugthers I can see the little tie being broken. It is a shame cos she really enjoys these 2 aunts and their husbands -

Families - can't live with them - can't live without them

Sigh

 

[Stacerita]

You stop going when you feel like it.