At least one of them did something wrong, neither will admit it, what to do?

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

I always have trouble with this situation.

When you know that one of your kids has done something against the rules 'cause you find evidence of it, and neither one will admit it, what do you do with them?

I really hate to punish both of them if one isn't guilty. They aren't blaming it on each other either, just neither will admit to it. I even gave them an out, admit it now and you'll just have to help clean it up, no further punishment - they didn't take that either.

Right now they are both in their rooms. They are 5 and 9.

Any good ideas out there?

 

[Zandy595]

I only have one (DS10) so I never have this problem. If I did have two and was in this situation, I'd punish them both. Lying or omitting the truth is just as bad as doing the crime (most of the time).

Maybe once they've thought about it for a while someone will come clean.

 

[Marseeya]

I'd punish them both.

I don't usually have those problems, though. DS is the worst behaved of the two, but he's honest and will own up to his bad behavior. DD is an angel in comparison, but she'd lie to get herself out of trouble.

 

[Stitchfans]

I only have one (DS10) so I never have this problem. If I did have two and was in this situation, I'd punish them both. Lying or omitting the truth is just as bad as doing the crime (most of the time).

Maybe once they've thought about it for a while someone will come clean.

same here. I only have DD11 since DD25 has her own apartment. But I agree with Zandy595

 

[eeyore kelly]

Put them in time out together. Whoever is being punished for no reason, will force the other one to own up. As a way of apologizing to to innocent sibiling for getting her punished for no reason, the guilty one has to do the innocent ones chores for two days on top of any and all other punishments

 

[Randi]

Any chance that neither one of them did anything? That happened to me once when I "read" the "evidence" wrong, and turned out that my kids were not to blame. I apologized to them.

 

[jonestavern]

I have no solution to this.
Our Mom used to give us 10 minutes to 'fess up. she'd turn on the timer & leave the room.
I always said I'd done it, I couldn't stand the tick ticking, that countdown.
I would plead with DSis to give up, but she would steadfastly refuse & this is from the age of around 5!
DSis would never fold! Witch should have been a CIA operative, she'd never cave!
I would get punished but at least it would be over & done with.
you can bet I had some baggage going into my early 20's!

Jean

 

[disneylizzy]

I punish them both because chances are the other DS did something anyway, I just haven't found out about it yet.

 

[bicker]

I'm not so sure I would be comfortable punishing a child who did nothing wrong other than show loyalty to a sibling. These two are going to have to be family to each other for a long time, even after their parents are gone.

 

[Zandy595]

I'm not so sure I would be comfortable punishing a child who did nothing wrong other than show loyalty to a sibling. These two are going to have to be family to each other for a long time, even after their parents are gone.

But is it right to lie to a parent in the name of loyalty? Maybe it's just me, but I have a big problem with lying. I can pretty much forgive anything, but that.

 

[petchie]

I agree with Bicker on this one. We would NEVER snitch on each other growing up. I can understand wanting the guilty one to confess, but please do not expect the other one to *******

 

[bicker]

Slice both children in half, just like Solomon.

I think the quandary is a reflection of being given an impossible choice: Betraying a sibling or withholding information from a parent. I bet that child perceives that the sibling is harmed by the betrayal more than the parent is harmed by the withholding of information.

I think the more we give our children impossible choices, the more we'll be dissatisfied with the choices they make.

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

Thanks for the replies.

No, at least one of them did it. Decided to have a play kitchen behind the sofa. Took a whole carton of eggs out of the frig and broke some on the carpet, then left it there until I found it while cleaning.

I pretty sure DH didn't do it and I didn't so it had to be one or both of them!

They've been in their rooms for a couple of hours. Dad should be home soon. I think that they both were in on it but I can't prove that. I think I'll give them both some chores and let them out with time served. If one is innocent though I feel really bad about that. It's also hard to let the guilty one out of it though.

 

[petchie]

Slice both children in half, just like Solomon.

I think the quandary is a reflection of being given an impossible choice: Betraying a sibling or withholding information from a parent. I bet that child perceives that the sibling is harmed by the betrayal more than the parent is harmed by the withholding of information.

I think the more we give our children impossible choices, the more we'll be dissatisfied with the choices they make.

well said.

The issue aside though, the parents can take pride in the fact they DID do something right. These children have a closeness despite 4 yrs of age difference that will stay with them long after the parents cease to exist. I am very close to my siblings and this was how we would have been. My friends tend to envy the fact that my sister is and always has been my best friend.

 

[Marseeya]

I'm not so sure I would be comfortable punishing a child who did nothing wrong other than show loyalty to a sibling. These two are going to have to be family to each other for a long time, even after their parents are gone.

Punishing them both gives them a common enemy. The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

Well, I let them out and told them since neither could own up to it in the time they had to think about it they would have to do a little housework that they are already about done with.

I should mention that this isn't the first time this has happened - that's why I was so frustrated with it. One of them at least has a big facsination with eggs.

Thanks petchie for the compliment. This is one of the toughest situations I come across with 2 kids. Don't want to teach them that if they stick together they can get away with anything but I also hate to punish someone who didn't do it.

I didn't ask them to rat on each other, just for the person(s) who did it to admit to it. That really didn't work though as I would have liked.

Another day of parenthood . . .

 

[Beth76]

The other day I broke something and DH started yelling at the boys before I cut in. I was going to say maybe neither did it, but that's clearly not the case here.

 

[chobie]

But is it right to lie to a parent in the name of loyalty? Maybe it's just me, but I have a big problem with lying. I can pretty much forgive anything, but that.

I would not put that onus on my children to tell me who did it or be punished. I would rather punish neither then put them in that position.

 

[Disney Doll]

Punish both. And I'd worry that one of them has enough self-centeredness to allow their sibling to get punished for something they didn't do. Sounds like someone needs a bit more of a conscience, but I odn't know how to teach that.

My DH has a sister who was like that as a kid. She stand there and watch alll 4 kids get whacked rather than own up to having done somehting.

She's a nut today...self-centered, self-absorbed, will step on anyone to achieve her desires, manipulative...the list goes on and on...it ain't pretty. And there's not a lot of "closeness" between her and her other sibs because they all got pretty tired of taking the fall for her.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

I have to agree with Disney Doll. I have a brother who was like that growing up--he was the main trouble maker, never got singled out for punishment. He's now in his 40's, and still takes no responsibility for anything in his life. I can't help but wonder if more parental involvement and action when he was younger would have made a difference--my other sibs and I aren't perfect, but we take responsibility for our choices in a way this one brother never has.

As far as punishing both kids--both know who did it. Eggs are a royal pain to clean up. I don't buy the "untenable postion of ratting out a sibling" argument. Both kids are old enough to know this was wrong. Short of fingerprinting the eggshells, though, I think the best thing to do is make it painful for both of them. What if, the next time, it's something really dangerous? Do you still want one kid to not "rat out" the other? I would say it's no different than adults breaking the law. If you dont' start them using a moral compass at this age, it may not be there when they need it.

Good luck, OP, I hear it gets worse before it get better. And who said it would get better?