aspergers, what should I say

[Nalla]

There's a guy in my bio class that has asperger's. I was talking to my teacher after class because we were looking at a book I'd gotten on dog evolution. Somehow the conversation got to why I sometimes bring a laptop instead of paper and pen for notes. I was telling my teacher that I have arthritis, so on days that I can't move my hands well I bring a computer because typing is easier than writing. The other guy who was still in the room said that I should lose weight to relieve the pressure on my joints. I was fuming, and I left without saying anything.
My arthritis is in my hands, I'm fairly sure my being a bit overweight has nothing to do with it. I'm so mad that the guy would say something like that, and while I don't really think his having asperger's is an excuse exactly (because seriously, who says that? It's just mean!), but maybe it explains why he said it.
I'm not sure if I should say something to him next class, or just let it go, but I'm really upset. Maybe someone here has some experience with this type of thing, so they know what to do or say? My arthritis and my weight are not connected, and I don't like that in front of my teacher he said that.

 

[debbi801]

I'm sorry. That would have hurt my feelings.

It actually could be because of Asperger's. People with Asperger's don't really understand social cues and seem to be missing the filter between what they think and what comes out of their mouth. Doesn't make it right, but they can't always help it. We work with our DS on this regularly, trying to explain why he shouldn't have said something, what he should have said, etc.

I would let him know in the next class that he hurt your feelings and then just shrug it off.

 

[lawlesslovewdw]

As a mother with a son with high functioning autism, that is just the sort of thing they do say, it is a logical reasonable explanation to a person with aspergers and/or autism (I am not saying in your case but in some cases). My son does not understand his own feelings, let alone those of others. He frequently tells people how it is....not long ago he told me that my exercise DVD wasnt working as I was still fat
On a serious note I do tell my son that it is not socially acceptable and he does take it on board and we are trying to teach him that he shouldnt say things, but he does. I would say to the Man that you were hurt about his comment and leave it at that, but be prepared for an honest remark back

 

[bookwormde]

You can be pretty well assured that his comment was out of genuine concern or he would have not made the effort. Since arthritis sometimes progresses to other joints and joint wear is based on loading, there is some clinical basis.

This is just the way we are and since he does not see the “social” negativity to being overweight, why would he not offer a clinical recommendation of something that might alleviate the potential of future difficulties.

From an aspie perspective the fact is because you have an illogical social sensitivity to weight comments is inconsequential to the clinical/logical situation.

Just remember he has to live in your social world that for the most part makes very little sense.

bookwormde

 

[ireland_nicole]

Does it help to know that he did not intend to hurt your feelings? My kids say stuff like that all the time, not because they are being mean, but because they see the world from a different point of view than mine. "Aspies" often don't "get" sarcasm, or humor that would typically be funny. Like Bookworme said, they think "logically". Emotions, especially of others, just don't compute. On the other hand, he's honest, and he really is trying to help. I think the best thing to say, if anything, is to be direct and simply say that you don't like when he makes comments about your weight. And to please not do it anymore.

I know it hurt your feelings. I would be (and often have been) hurt if someone said the same about me. But in this case, he really wasn't being mean, and the best think is probably to let it go.

 

[scottsod]

i agree
we stoped in to school today for holoween and saw my 9yo ds eating lunch in the classroom with an aid his reg. aid is a man but she covers at lunch
and she steps out of the room and tells us he says.....

hey you have big ****s my mom has big ****s too!

lol i didnt know what to do except apologize she understood his issues
and she was wearing a tight t shirt as part of a holoween theme

aspi kids dont get those things last week the secuity gaurd said good bye to him and good bless you. my son turned to me and said why did he say
god bless you i didnt sneeze?


scott

 

[mechurchlady]

I have had people without aspergers show the same concern for me and make suggestions which are impossible, ludicrous, or something I would not do. It is not uncommon for people in general to make remarks that can offend us. At least he cared about you and did show concern so be thankful someone cares about you.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

When my son says something inappropriate, we refer to Asperger's as being a "reason" but not an "excuse" for saying it. We understand that his filter doesn't work like ours. Most of us think lots of things that we would never say. A person with a poor filter will think it and say it.

We have, however, learned that a person can learn to make their social filter stronger. My son has a Social Thinking class at school where they discuss and role-play different situations. We also follow up by talking to him about inappropriate comments as soon as he makes them.

The young man in your class could probably benefit by a discussion with you on why his comment was inappropriate. I would approach him and tell him that you know he was trying to help, but he should know that it's not appropriate to comment on a person's weight because it's a very personal issue. It sounds like he's still learning how to control his comments and a frank discussion with you would be helpful to him.