As adults, do we need to get permission from each other?

[EmJay2001]

So true.

Like it or not, and as much as we all don't like to admit it, we are actually asking permission from each other to do what we want to do.

How many of you would discuss something and if the other person does not go along with it, do it anyway? Would you stand your ground to the point where you would put your marriage in jeopardy?

How many of us just go out and do wherever the heck we want without discussing it first?

So in essence you kind of are asking for permission...

. Yup, I agree. My hubby always tells the guys "I gotta clear it with the wife first". This really only started happening when we had kids. Most, if not all have kids too so they all do it and it is not a big deal.

As far as major purchases, we normally talk it over first. After having said that, on Saturday morning, my hubby walked in the door and said, "Sorry honey, I just spent 500 bucks on some workout equipment ..." blah blah blah " big sale ... ". I said, "That's Okay, I just spent 1000 on new tires for the minivan" . Which he then said, "I'm okay with that"

 

[Shyvioletisme]

$50 - that would frighten me! I could never call him every time I wanted to buy clothes, shoes, makeup etc.

We each have mad money - that is truly for anything. Husband has come home before with new cars - and that was never discussed beforehand.
But I have bought a new car too without telling him.

We discuss furniture and things like new tvs or mattresses - just to make sure we get something we both like.

And we discuss vacations - but have to freedom to travel without each other too.

Well we share one car and always do our shopping together so there's rarely an issue of me being out and just going on a spending spree. If I do go shopping without him, I usually let him know hey I'm going shopping for some new _____, just so he knows I may be spending a bit. We're on a strict budget so I just don't feel comfortable spending much on optional things without letting him know.

 

[mickeysgal]

. Yup, I agree. My hubby always tells the guys "I gotta clear it with the wife first". This really only started happening when we had kids. Most, if not all have kids too so they all do it and it is not a big deal.

As far as major purchases, we normally talk it over first. After having said that, on Saturday morning, my hubby walked in the door and said, "Sorry honey, I just spent 500 bucks on some workout equipment ..." blah blah blah " big sale ... ". I said, "That's Okay, I just spent 1000 on new tires for the minivan" . Which he then said, "I'm okay with that"

Mine will say that or something similar. He does it mainly to think it over and not commit to anything on the spot. This gives him his "out".

 

[EmJay2001]

Mine will say that or something similar. He does it mainly to think it over and not commit to anything on the spot. This gives him his "out".

This is true too! And honestly, I totally don't mind taking one for the team occasionally .

 

[JodiR]

Maybe he doesn't need to go fishing and camping if you don't need to go to Disney. It sounds like he's been before.

Fishing doesn't cost anything when you don't go very far (few miles). So that won't work.

 

[JodiR]

Has your husband jet skiied or fished several times? does he ask your permission? I'm guessing...no.


Nope, I'm not asking permission. I'll let ya know I'm planning on going, but I don't need to ask you if I can go.

Fishing doesn't cost much of anything when you don't go very far. We don't have jet skis.

So I think it is the cost of the trip that bothers him.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

$50 - that would frighten me! I could never call him every time I wanted to buy clothes, shoes, makeup etc.

It's all relative. There was a time I'd have spent 10X that without asking any kind of permission. Now? Not so much

 

[MoonFaerie]

It's not permission exactly, but I did talk to him before I committed to my upcoming Feb trip. For one thing, it's not exactly the cheapest girls weekend I could do. For another, it only works if he can make his work schedule work around the kids school schedule. They can't ride the bus (don't go to the school they're zoned for), so he has to be able to drop them off at 8 and pick them up at 3. So really, I guess I was asking his boss for permission.

 

[Hrhpd]

So true.

Like it or not, and as much as we all don't like to admit it, we are actually asking permission from each other to do what we want to do.

How many of you would discuss something and if the other person does not go along with it, do it anyway? Would you stand your ground to the point where you would put your marriage in jeopardy?

How many of us just go out and do wherever the heck we want without discussing it first?

So in essence you kind of are asking for permission...

I have.

If it is really important to me and we can afford it and it will not impact the family greatly, I have said "I'm sorry you feel this way, but this is important to me." And have gone and done what we discussed. The same for him. I am not going to give up something that is very important to me because my spouse does not agree. I will discuss it, take his views into consideration, but if it is really important, yes, I will stand my ground. So will he. We respect what is important to each other even if we disagree.

Didn't bold the part about marriage because it has never put our marriage in jeopardy. We have been married for over 30 years.

That said, because we respect each other's dreams and wishes, in 30 years, I can count on one hand the times when we disagreed with what the other was doing.

 

[usd2bmd]

Mmmm, I don't get permission from my husband to do things, nor does he get permission from me. But we are partners, so decision that affect our life in any significant way, like large purchases or how we spend our vacation time, are things we discuss together. We're pretty much in agreement about everything, so it's not really an issue for us. If he insisted on doing something I would hate for vacation (like camping), I'd tell him to have a good time, and do whatever I wanted for vacation. But that's never happened.

This is how we do things as well. We were going to Disney every year, but my husband wanted a different vacation so we discussed it and decided on a cruise. Which turned into a family curise the next year.

If it's a big thing (i.e. job change, large purchase) we talk about it.

 

[DeaverTex]

We discuss, and I more or less ask permission, mostly because Mrs. Tex handles the checkbook which is just fine with me. I'm generally the wild idea guy anyhow, and she's the one who finds the problems that need to be worked out. Or that make my wild idea impractical, which happens much of the time. As far as spending money, we're both pretty cheap, so if it costs anything more than $5 or $10, we talk it over first. I don't want to even think what would happen if one of us made some big purchase -- meaning anything over $50 -- without talking it over. (She'd probably need somebody to help her hide the body.)

Generally if one of us wants to do something and the other one doesn't, we end up not doing it. Neither of us is willing to drag an unwilling companion along, and we just don't go places on our own because it's no fun.

 

[Syrreal]

I'm another one in the not permission but discuss camp, especially for big ticket things like trips or expensive purchases.

We will talk about when I take my girls' trip or when he's going to go hunting and see if it's feasible both financially and child care related and anything else that it might need to be. I've looked at him and said that something or other wasn't going to be able to work out, and vice versa.

Now, if he said that we couldn't afford something and then went out and spent that much on something else, then he would have a lot of explaining (cough, groveling) to do and then you can bet that I would end up doing exactly what I wanted to do in the first place.

 

[John VN]

In the early years of our marriage when we had obligations such as children and financial concerns, there was a need for discussion.

Today we are at a stage in life where discussions are not as important so many times one does not take place at all. Just not needed.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I like to at least discuss things first. I don't think either of us has ever actually said "no" to whatever the other one was wanting to do.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Fishing doesn't cost much of anything when you don't go very far. We don't have jet skis.

So I think it is the cost of the trip that bothers him.

"you don't need to go to Disney. You've been before" sounds less about "I don't know if we have the money for you to spend on a trip" and more about " I don't think that is worthy of you spending money on". There's a huge difference between the two.

 

[2goofycampers]

He is more of a fishing and camping person.

Why not try Fort Wilderness? Disney for you and camping and fishing for him.

 

[jodifla]

"you don't need to go to Disney. You've been before" sounds less about "I don't know if we have the money for you to spend on a trip" and more about " I don't think that is worthy of you spending money on". There's a huge difference between the two.

Yes, this is what stood out to me as well. And even beyond that, to me, it's more like -- no, you don't even GET to hope for or want that -- so just put it out of your silly little head.

This is totally different to me than "you know, looking at our budget, I don't think Disney is in the cards this year, or even next."

To me, this is stomping on someone's desires and dreams of how to live their lives. If something is very important to my DH, then I work hard to help him reach that goal. Same with my DH for me.

We've got each other's backs.

 

[rwdavis2]

I think it may be that since he doesn't travel or go anywhere, then I shouldn't either. I really believe he thinks it is a waste of money. But he will spend money on other things where I don't. So I say it is a wash.

Have you had this discussion with him?

 

[RadioNate]

Can I piggy back to see how people with young kids 'discuss' and balance these things out? This was interesting to me because when I was married my ex was ALWAYS doing thing. Not really asking 'permission' but little discussion either. For example, in a typical week he'd go to a game or 2 on a weeknight, maybe a 'happy hour' after work, he worked Sunday morning and would often golf afterwards. During NFL season he'd go to those games on Sunday.

Calls would often go like this...Tuesday 2 pm "hey there are extra tickets here for the NBA game tonight...XXX & I are going to go."

I admit to becoming hugely resentful. On nights I did have something (like ONCE a month bunco) he was often late getting home so I'd be late to get there. If I did have something planned like a movie with a girlfriend, and something came up for him...I had to find a sitter.

Not to completely hijack. I'm just wanting to learn how people with elementary school aged kids handle the issue.

 

[rwdavis2]

Can I piggy back to see how people with young kids 'discuss' and balance these things out? This was interesting to me because when I was married my ex was ALWAYS doing thing. Not really asking 'permission' but little discussion either. For example, in a typical week he'd go to a game or 2 on a weeknight, maybe a 'happy hour' after work, he worked Sunday morning and would often golf afterwards. During NFL season he'd go to those games on Sunday.

Calls would often go like this...Tuesday 2 pm "hey there are extra tickets here for the NBA game tonight...XXX & I are going to go."

I admit to becoming hugely resentful. On nights I did have something (like ONCE a month bunco) he was often late getting home so I'd be late to get there. If I did have something planned like a movie with a girlfriend, and something came up for him...I had to find a sitter.

Not to completely hijack. I'm just wanting to learn how people with elementary school aged kids handle the issue.

When we had kids that age we discussed it. We realized it was OK to do things without the rest of the family. We just had to clear it with the other in case they were thinking of other plans. It's a matter of respect and maturity. We've been married 23+ years.