ARGH! Men!

[Rajah]

Just gotta release some frustration.

And I'm assuming this is a "men" thing in general.

I just don't feel my DH is taking my mom's financial situation and how much it's upsetting her seriously. Those are emotions. He doesn't do emotions. He's brushing all of it off in the form of "okay, here's the situation, can't do anything about it, no big deal, I(she) *can* do something about it in a few weeks, at that point I'll worry about it, what's for breakfast" type thing. Very straightforward, Hakuna Matata, no worries type way. Which is the healthier way of viewing things, but because he's viewing the situation that way he has *no* concept of how much of a problem the situation is causing my mom in stress and depression.

So I'm caught between Mrs "Life is ending there's no way out I'm drowning" and Mr "eh, no biggie" and can't get either of them to see the "happy medium" and nothing I can do to help.

ARGH!

 

[MICKEY88]

sounds to me like you need to convince your Mom to see a professional....and perhaps you could go as well unless you have a good friend to talk to, since your DH is not helping...

I don't think it's a male thing in general, but then again my female co-workers tell me that I'm not the typical male...

 

[Rajah]

Originally posted by MICKEY88
sounds to me like you need to convince your Mom to see a professional....

All I can say about that is "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". I've been trying.

And though my DH isn't very understanding on this, he is in other ways and I do have some very good friends who have been helping me. My mom's my biggest worry

 

[monkeyboy]

Originally posted by Rajah
And I'm assuming this is a "men" thing in general.

Never assume

 

[CEDmom]

Most men want to fix problems, my DH included. If they can't fix it then they're not usually great about just letting you vent. It's the whole Mars vs. Venus thing. If you can't get your mom and your DH to find a happy median then you need to just find one for yourself. I know things have been really rough on your mom and you and you're trying to help her which is wonderful. Just don't let her drag you under with her. Perhaps she'd be more willing to talk with a neutral 3rd party (i.e. counselor) if you weren't always readily available to her. I know that sounds harsh and I don't mean it to be. Just make sure you're taking care of yourself and your needs as much as you are your mom's.

 

[Rajah]

Originally posted by CEDmom
Most men want to fix problems, my DH included. If they can't fix it then they're not usually great about just letting you vent. It's the whole Mars vs. Venus thing.

Exactly what I was trying to say.


And for those who keep saying get my mom to professional help. All I can do is give her the phone numbers. I can't make her go, and even if I could, I can't make her *talk*. And if y'all have any suggestions just how the **** you're supposed to get a **** stubborn depressed mule to accept help, I'm open to suggestions, because I've been trying and nothing works. I at least finally got her to take the phone number last night, and she used it, and guess what -- it didn't help her. I've been *TRYING* my **** hardest to get her in for help, do y'all *really* think I want to lose her *too* in the same way?

 

[Pop Daddy]

why do you women put up with us

 

[CEDmom]

The point I was trying to make in my previous post is that you can't make your mother's problems your own. If she won't go for help then that's her decision but once she's made it you need to drop the subject. It sounds like she doesn't want to go because she has you so why should she bother with a complete stranger. What I suggested is to make yourself less available emotionally. Perhaps then she'll realize that you're not going to play into her behavior and she'll get the help she needs. I know it sounds really harsh and cruel but sometimes that's the way it has to be to ultimately help someone you love.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by Rajah
Exactly what I was trying to say.


And for those who keep saying get my mom to professional help. All I can do is give her the phone numbers. I can't make her go, and even if I could, I can't make her *talk*. And if y'all have any suggestions just how the **** you're supposed to get a **** stubborn depressed mule to accept help, I'm open to suggestions, because I've been trying and nothing works. I at least finally got her to take the phone number last night, and she used it, and guess what -- it didn't help her. I've been *TRYING* my **** hardest to get her in for help, do y'all *really* think I want to lose her *too* in the same way?

I for one was not implying that you aren't doing your best.....I can tell you are trying big time, and are getting frustrated..

not knowing your mother I can't suggest the how of making it work..

I know with my famly I would tell the person that I am very concerned, and offer to go with them if they want, I would also point out that they must help themselves, so as to not become a drain on the family...this is a very tricky thing to do, because it involves makiing sure they understand that by getting help and helping you, they are not a burden...

and I'm sure it's much tougher for you considering the circumstances behind all of this...

in these situations we must show our family that we are strong for them, yet showing that we can be weak/ vulnerable helps them to accept their own weakness and vulnerability...

I think I can safely say that your friends here at the dis will continue to pray for you and also continue to be here for you..

 

[Rajah]

Thanks Mickey.

Originally posted by MICKEY88
I know with my famly I would tell the person that I am very concerned, and offer to go with them if they want, I would also point out that they must help themselves, so as to not become a drain on the family...this is a very tricky thing to do, because it involves makiing sure they understand that by getting help and helping you, they are not a burden...

And I've done all of those. And the time I finally get her to call the number that's *supposed* to help you, they make her feel worse.

 

[MICKEY88]

Originally posted by Rajah
Thanks Mickey.



And I've done all of those. And the time I finally get her to call the number that's *supposed* to help you, they make her feel worse.

there will be times when she will feel worse..

perhaps someone needs to get in her face and tell her she needs to be thankful for what she has/family that cares....

sometimes tough love is the only way to go...

 

[Rajah]

Tried that, too. Just makes her feel worse.

 

[TigerBear]

(((Hugs))) Rajah, we all know you are doing your best - admirably well given your circumstances. If I were in your shoes, this is what I would do: I would make an appointment and go with your mother - together, for a joint session. If she will not go for herself, she may go it she thinks it will help you. I know this would not be easy for you, but it may be the best way to get her some professional help.

If it would be easier for her to attend a support group, consider going to a Survivors of Suicide group in your area:

http://www.crisishotline.org/heart/supgroups.html

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

 

[Rajah]

What she'd rather find is a Christian support group of friendly women who have been through similar losses.

But she hasn't ever been able to find a friendly Christian group down on this side of town that meets during the day. And yes, she has looked.

 

[TigerBear]

I'll see if I can find anything.

 

[Serena]

Tammi, good luck.


ps, give hubby a break. He's done a lot. Understanding and empathizing why your mom is stressed isn't something he has to do. All he has to do is to accept that she is stressed. She has to accept that what stresses her, isn't stressing him. Neither one is wrong.
AND, you don't have to try and make them see the other point of view. You have enough to worry about already.