Are you happy?

[lattemomof3]

Do you think you are a happy person by nature? If so, I need to know your tricks! It feels like I have been more grouchy and negative for the last several YEARS than happy. I feel like I SHOULD be very happy - I have 3 healthy kids, I stay home w/ them bec. DH has a good job, we don't worry about $ too much - we have enough for our needs and the occasional Disney trip. I think I would REALLY love to move to another town - we have been here for 10 years and I have never loved it here - it is a town of 3,500 people in the middle of Nebraska - nothing to do, and I think I am not as "small town" of a person as DH. I hate that the entire town knows my every move, and the cliques that come from living in a place where everyone, or their spouse, was raised here. (We are one of the few transplants in town). I honestly think I would be happy if we could move somewhere else. DH, though, is afraid to move and then find out in a year or so that I am not happy in the new place, either. I just don't know - I don't want to uproot my kids (although, they are in elementary and preschool & I think they will adapt very well if we moved, and would have more choice of friends if we could go somewhere a little larger) without really thinking things through. I don't think I'm depressed, just tired of this too-small town and the small minded people in it, but DH has me second-guessing myself. Do you think WHERE you are can make you happy or miserable?

 

[NHdisneylover]

Since graduating college 15 years ago, I have lived in 6 US states as well as Germany. I have lived in small towns (Laramie Wyoming, and a very small town of about 4000 in New Hampshire), medium sized college towns in the midwest and big cities (Detroit and Pheonix). A big variety of climates, availability of activites, number of trasnplants (yeah in New Hampshire we were about the only new people in town in what felt like a generation), etc. I have been pretty happy with everywhere. There are alwasy friends to be made if I make the effort to find them and keep them. I have always scoped out activites to keep us busy, OR started thigns myself.
There are very few places I can think of where I would be truly unhappy living. I think it is up to me to find the good no matter where I am and make it into a home.

I really am sorry you are not happy though Maybe you can try really working on making where you are great for you instead of focusing on not liking it and how being away will be better. You know, it is that grass is always greener thing.

 

[ADisneyQueen]

We lived in another state for 13 years and there were times I was not happy. It was just not where I wanted to be and although I liked our church and the people there, I did not feel like we fit into that town and it was not"home". 3 years ago DH got a job in our hometown and I am much happier here. It is true that I miss some things from our old place, but this is my home and our families are here.

 

[Micca]

Sometimes a move is a healthy thing. I lived most of my life in my medium-sized midwestern hometown. I was well established there and was comfortable with my job. I began to notice that many inhabitants of the city weren't ever interested in doing anything to make the city a more pleasant, progressive place(especially if it meant they'd have to fork over some tax dollars). The vibe of the town was "it's just fine the way it is".

That attitude began to wear on me--it's kind of depressing. DW and I moved a few hundred miles to a larger city where there's more of a culture of doing something new, interesting, cool. The people here are generally nicer and happier which makes for a pleasant environment.

Good luck with your future plans, and try to be happy

 

[tink_lover]

Do you think you are a happy person by nature? If so, I need to know your tricks! It feels like I have been more grouchy and negative for the last several YEARS than happy. I feel like I SHOULD be very happy - I have 3 healthy kids, I stay home w/ them bec. DH has a good job, we don't worry about $ too much - we have enough for our needs and the occasional Disney trip. I think I would REALLY love to move to another town - we have been here for 10 years and I have never loved it here - it is a town of 3,500 people in the middle of Nebraska - nothing to do, and I think I am not as "small town" of a person as DH. I hate that the entire town knows my every move, and the cliques that come from living in a place where everyone, or their spouse, was raised here. (We are one of the few transplants in town). I honestly think I would be happy if we could move somewhere else. DH, though, is afraid to move and then find out in a year or so that I am not happy in the new place, either. I just don't know - I don't want to uproot my kids (although, they are in elementary and preschool & I think they will adapt very well if we moved, and would have more choice of friends if we could go somewhere a little larger) without really thinking things through. I don't think I'm depressed, just tired of this too-small town and the small minded people in it, but DH has me second-guessing myself. Do you think WHERE you are can make you happy or miserable?

No, I don't think so. I think you create your own happiness wherever you are. As a mom to 3 young kids also, I can relate that it is a busy time of life, and right now, things are all about the kids. I find that I'm happier when I do something for myself as well. I started reading again, exercising again, knitting again.....are you doing anything for yourself? What do YOU like to do? Do you and dh get a sitter and go out to reconnect? Maybe, just maybe, there could be some underlying depression? How/where are you finding friends? Can you drive into a larger city to find some things to do?

 

[NatashaDisneyCM]

in a word, NO...I have never been and never will be. Depression, it is a great thing!

 

[dismom2]

I've lived in several places--large cities, and a couple of small towns for short periods of time. To be honest, I am a big city person. I grew up and spent most of my life in large cities and I just prefer them. I think I am used to, and need a lot of stimulation and choices. I am much happier when I live in a large city, or at least close to one. So, for me--I can't speak for anyone else---I think it does bring more happiness and fulfillment to my life. I also don't like the thought of a town so small that everyone knows my business. I'm a pretty private person. You know how you feel, so if your DH is trying to bring doubts to you, maybe he is just expressing how he feels. But, your feelings are your feelings, and they are valid. You can't help how you truly feel inside. If you did move, and I'm not suggesting that, I think your kids are young enough that it won't affect them much---unless you live close to a lot of family and they will miss them, of course. Good luck sorting out your feelings.

 

[lattemomof3]

I really do feel like I have given it a good try - we have been here for 10 years, and I have lots of friends, probably 2 great friends, and a lot of others that we sometimes do things with. We are always getting invited to this or that, but I still don't feel like we "belong" here, as everyone else is from here and works for their parents' business. It feels as though the majority of the people here have a sense of entitlement, or have the "big fish in a small town" mentality - and it is getting passed on to their kids. One of dd's "friends" told her at church that dd had to "sit where I tell you to sit, because my grandma is in charge of this church". This little girl does indeed come from a wealthy family (there are many of them here), and like most of these families, the parents are on town committees because THEIR parents were. I have really tried to open myself up to people, and succeed at that, but I just don't LIKE most of these people and their way of thinking. We live in a very nice house, on a golf course, but I am just not like that (and I would much prefer to live in an old house - even a small house), our house is just not "me" either. So either I am a grouch person by nature (and I really don't think that is the whole story), or maybe I am just tired of trying to fit into a place that does not hold the same values I do. I know there will be snooty people everywhere, but in a town of 3500 people, you are just not able to get AWAY from them, you know?

 

[Pakey]

I have lived in 6 states, 10 different cities of various sizes plus 10 years in a very rural area (30 minutes from the nearest grocery store or gas station). While I have loved and hated some of them, my happiness has not been tied to location.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

Yes, I think where you live can make you miserable and yes I think you should grab life by the you know what and move.

I lived in Cincinnati, OH for two years and hated it. I hated trudging through the city every day for work, I hated that there really was no where to go for a hike (that was safe), I hated how dirty everything felt (which I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to people that love it). I like where I live now (which has and always will be home) as there's lots of outdoorsy stuff to do, but I would love to move further South, like SC or FL. And that may actually happen soon!

And yes, I'm generally happy. Of course there's things I would like to change but I'm thankful for what I have and give 100% kindness to everyone even if they aren't kind or considerate back and I try to look at every situation from everyone's perspective not just mine when I think something or someone is "wrong". I choose to be happy. It's really all about the choice (unless there's an underlying medical issue like depression/anxiety). Even though I hated living in Cincy I did find hobbies, classes, and other things I could do to keep my mind off of what I didn't like until I was in the position to move again.

 

[landshark]

I never liked the area where I was raised--too rural and there was never anything to do. My parents live out in the country so any of the nearby towns are at least a 15 minute drive, if not more. Moved to Peoria for my first real job after college and, in retrospect, I think it was almost perfect for me. Definitely had more going on, but a smaller place and not as crazy as here in Chicago. I've been here over a year, and I still don't think I will ever be a city girl. I love all the restaurants and things within walking distance, but it's such a filthy, artificial, crowded and loud place all the same--the suburbs seem to be more my style. I love going back to see my parents and I have much more appreciation/love for the rural life than I used to.

I'm sure it's much easier said than done, especially because you do have a family you'd have to uproot while I don't, but a change in scenery may be what you need. Move to a larger area that's still close enough to where you're currently at. That way you could still get back to that smaller area if/when you need to. Again, this might not be as convenient for you, but I've never lived outside of this state and have still experienced a variety of places while being anywhere from 1 - 2.5 hour drive away from my parents.

 

[lattemomof3]

No, I don't think so. I think you create your own happiness wherever you are. As a mom to 3 young kids also, I can relate that it is a busy time of life, and right now, things are all about the kids. I find that I'm happier when I do something for myself as well. I started reading again, exercising again, knitting again.....are you doing anything for yourself? What do YOU like to do? Do you and dh get a sitter and go out to reconnect? Maybe, just maybe, there could be some underlying depression? How/where are you finding friends? Can you drive into a larger city to find some things to do?

I do get to do things for myself - I love to read, I work out, I have time to do these things, but the next largest city, is only one of 24,000 people, and it is an hour away - so even there, there is not much to do. DH and I definately need to do more things - we have never been good at doing things just for us, and that is probably part of my discontent - we have focused on the kids and not on ourselves - but there is just nowhere to go around here, even if we did sneak away. I would love to get a job somewhere when my dd4 starts school, but truly, there is not much opportunity for that either. I don't want dh to feel like he has to move bec. I'm not happy here, but I really don't think things will improve until we DO move - 10 years is a long time to try to make a place work. He does not love this town either, but he has a very good job (appraiser- he does'nt love it, but the $ is good and his office is in our home) and does'nt want to start over in the career department.

 

[monkeybug]

I don't think there is anything wrong with moving if it gives you better access to the lifestyle you prefer. We have moved for a better commute, more yard space, safer area, and to save money. Each of those moves was worth it, and made life much easier each time.
I think the key thing to remember is that a move or a change in circumstances can make life easier, and make it easier to feel happy, but it won't make you a happy/positive person if you aren't one already. I did NOT want to move to Maryland, and in all honesty it's still not where I would prefer to be. But guess what? This is my life for the next 2 years like it or not, so I might as well like it right? What other choice do I have? Why choose to focus on all the negative when I can't change it any ways? That is the attitude we have where ever we go. Where ever the military tells my husband to report is my new FAVORITE place to live...because it would be torture to think of it any other way.
Being happy is a decision (but it doesn't mean you don't change your circumstances if they would likely increase or add to your happiness. Accepting your circumstances doesn't mean you have to become complacent.), nothing makes you happy, you either decide to be or decide not to be. Try focusing on all the wonderful things in your life, and the lives of others around you. Put a lot of your energy into helping others (it is really hard to wallow in your own self pity while helping others). Work on changing the things you can. Seek out wisdom. Keep a journal. Those are the things that help me.
This is corny to the extreme, but maybe read some of those Chicken Soup for the Soul books? Or collect quotes? Or art that makes you happy? (I love www.storypeople.com) Just seek out positive things in general.
The bottom line is that while a move may well be a good idea (your kids will adjust) for your family, in order to be a less negative person, you need to find a way to change your perspective. You find what your looking for in life. Focusing on all the things you don't, won't, can't have will find you miserable!


"Look up and not down. Look forward and not back.
Look out and not in, and lend a hand."
Edward Everett Hale

 

[Carly_Roach]

Do you think you are a happy person by nature? If so, I need to know your tricks!

I'm a generally happy person. Yes, I have down times here and there, but optimism is my emotional set-point.

My best trick: I don't let myself get involved in other people's dramas. I might listen to them, I may give advice every now and then if asked but, in general, I try to stay as far away from other people's problems as possible. This is how I maintain the way I want to be instead of the way others think I should be.

Now let me disclaim myself:

If someone's house burns down, or their partner dies, or there's some sudden sickness in the family - I'm there for them. That should go without saying. But there's always some wit (with their own personal drama) who will call me selfish and use these extremes in order to make their point.

For the most part, 99% of people's everyday problems always, ALWAYS stem from their own desire for contention and excitement in their lives. Is he cheating on me because he's five minutes late? What did she mean when she said I looked good in this? Does she mean I look bad in anything else? Why can't my kids (fill in the blank)? These people are looking for an audience to play to, their own private "reality show", because drama and/or martyrdom is no fun if no one else is watching.

It's been my goal for years to not only not be a supporting actress in their melodramatic play, but to try not to even be a member of their audience if I can help it. Motto: I'd rather be the star of my own life instead of a bit player in someone else's play.

That one trick, plus turning off the TV unless there's a commercial-free movie I want to watch, has brought me great happiness over the years.

As far as moving to another town, I doubt it'll help. Fix yourself first, then move if you still want to.

Remember: wherever you go, there you are.

 

[lattemomof3]

I'm a generally happy person. Yes, I have down times here and there, but optimism is my emotional set-point.

My best trick: I don't let myself get involved in other people's dramas. I might listen to them, I may give advice every now and then if asked but, in general, I try to stay as far away from other people's problems as possible. This is how I maintain the way I want to be instead of the way others think I should be.

Now let me disclaim myself:

If someone's house burns down, or their partner dies, or there's some sudden sickness in the family - I'm there for them. That should go without saying. But there's always some wit (with their own personal drama) who will call me selfish and use these extremes in order to make their point.

For the most part, 99% of people's everyday problems always, ALWAYS stem from their own desire for contention and excitement in their lives. Is he cheating on me because he's five minutes late? What did she mean when she said I looked good in this? Does she mean I look bad in anything else? Why can't my kids (fill in the blank)? These people are looking for an audience to play to, their own private "reality show", because drama and/or martyrdom is no fun if no one else is watching.

It's been my goal for years to not only not be a supporting actress in their melodramatic play, but to try not to even be a member of their audience if I can help it. Motto: I'd rather be the star of my own life instead of a bit player in someone else's play.

That one trick, plus turning off the TV unless there's a commercial-free movie I want to watch, has brought me great happiness over the years.

As far as moving to another town, I doubt it'll help. Fix yourself first, then move if you still want to.

Remember: wherever you go, there you are.

You give some very good advice. One of the MAIN reasons I would love to move, is that in a town this small, bored, rich, stay at home moms seem to have nothing better to do than to create drama, and I am so TIRED of it. Honestly, if I just said "no more", and walked away from the people initiating the drama, this town is so small that I honesty would have no one to do anything with! And I would have to run into these people EVERY day, as our kids are all in the same things (no other choices for activities here). These people would be miffed at me not wanting to associate with them, and there are a few who would probably make my life miserable, making up stories behind my back, and even stories about my kids, etc. I think in a larger town we would be able to find some more "like minded" friends, there is simply a larger gene pool, and we would not be ostracized for not trying to fit in (or, if we did, we could find some other people to hang out with - as there would be more than just one or 2 small groups of people.

 

[monkeybug]

You give some very good advice. One of the MAIN reasons I would love to move, is that in a town this small, bored, rich, stay at home moms seem to have nothing better to do than to create drama, and I am so TIRED of it. Honestly, if I just said "no more", and walked away from the people initiating the drama, this town is so small that I honesty would have no one to do anything with! And I would have to run into these people EVERY day, as our kids are all in the same things (no other choices for activities here). These people would be miffed at me not wanting to associate with them, and there are a few who would probably make my life miserable, making up stories behind my back, and even stories about my kids, etc. I think in a larger town we would be able to find some more "like minded" friends, there is simply a larger gene pool, and we would not be ostracized for not trying to fit in (or, if we did, we could find some other people to hang out with - as there would be more than just one or 2 small groups of people.

I mean absolutely no offense by this, but are you honestly saying that in a town of 3,500 people there is nobody to hang out with who is not a drama monger? I grew up in a small town, and just recently moved from one of only over 400 people!! That's small!!! I hate drama! HATE it! I have some dear friends who have quite the flair for the dramatic and are always stirring something in the pot, but they don't ostracize me for not wanting to take part. I just don't see the enjoyment in it, and they don't seem to mind that. There are plenty of both kinds of people (even I'm sure in a town of 3,500) and many, many people who thrive on drama, also do just fine with friends who don't. Maybe you need to be a little more creative and grow your circle of friends, and taking part in the drama just so you don't tick off someone seems silly to me.
When I read your posts I see lots of excuses. You can't be happy because there is not the job that you want available. No good people to hang out with. Nothing to do. No where to go.
I'm not saying that these are not valid concerns that you shouldn't work on changing, but they are also not why you are not happy. Happiness is never, ever, ever in the hands of someone else. If your not happy, own up and take responsibility for the fact that it is no one's fault but your own! Good grief! People have found ways to be happy in far worse circumstances than you are currently living!

James Oppenheim:

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.

 

[lattemomof3]

I've lived in several places--large cities, and a couple of small towns for short periods of time. To be honest, I am a big city person. I grew up and spent most of my life in large cities and I just prefer them. I think I am used to, and need a lot of stimulation and choices. I am much happier when I live in a large city, or at least close to one. So, for me--I can't speak for anyone else---I think it does bring more happiness and fulfillment to my life. I also don't like the thought of a town so small that everyone knows my business. I'm a pretty private person. You know how you feel, so if your DH is trying to bring doubts to you, maybe he is just expressing how he feels. But, your feelings are your feelings, and they are valid. You can't help how you truly feel inside. If you did move, and I'm not suggesting that, I think your kids are young enough that it won't affect them much---unless you live close to a lot of family and they will miss them, of course. Good luck sorting out your feelings.

I am also a very private person. It bothers me a lot that if we leave town for the weekend - it will be all over facebook and half of the town knows - and I DO NOT facebook! Sometimes I think I know how the celebs feel - hollywood is just like a small-town fishbowl!

 

[lattemomof3]

I mean absolutely no offense by this, but are you honestly saying that in a town of 3,500 people there is nobody to hang out with who is not a drama monger? I grew up in a small town, and just recently moved from one of only over 400 people!! That's small!!! I hate drama! HATE it! I have some dear friends who have quite the flair for the dramatic and are always stirring something in the pot, but they don't ostracize me for not wanting to take part. I just don't see the enjoyment in it, and they don't seem to mind that. There are plenty of both kinds of people (even I'm sure in a town of 3,500) and many, many people who thrive on drama, also do just fine with friends who don't. Maybe you need to be a little more creative and grow your circle of friends, and taking part in the drama just so you don't tick off someone seems silly to me.
When I read your posts I see lots of excuses. You can't be happy because there is not the job that you want available. No good people to hang out with. Nothing to do. No where to go.
I'm not saying that these are not valid concerns that you shouldn't work on changing, but they are also not why you are not happy. Happiness is never, ever, ever in the hands of someone else. If your not happy, own up and take responsibility for the fact that it is no one's fault but your own! Good grief! People have found ways to be happy in far worse circumstances than you are currently living!

James Oppenheim:

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.

That's why I feel very guilty for feeling the way I do - I do know I am SO blessed to have a roof over my head, a healthy family - truly I do know that there are millions of people who would love to have my problems - that there are people facing illness, disease, abuse, poverty and job loss, etc. I really do not put myself in the drama - my friends always comment on how they are impressed that I can stay out of it - but being around it is still painful. When I see the things you mention are excuses (maybe you're right - that is why I'm trying to hash through all of this - to see if it's just ME or my circumstance), I can't help but think that a larger community could actually wipe out some of those problems. I know there will always be stresses in life - and maybe we'd be trading these kinds of stresses for bigger ones - not finding work, etc, but part of me thinks man, I would really love to try something else, somewhere else. I think there is a positive part of me that knows I'm not happy here, but it's possible I COULD be much happier somewhere else. And can I just say thanks to those who've posted, because believe me, I know what my posts sound like (poor rich girl who's complaining and not happy, wha wha), if I was truly that person this would not be bothering me so. Edited to add that I am the one who posted the "do you love where you live?" post over a year ago, I've been brewing over this for a long time, it's not just a sudden thing. And - for the record - we are Not rich - not by a long shot - we have a nice house but our area is very inexpensive to live in, and we save hard for our trips. DH and I both grew up with no money and our parents have never given us anything but love - which is why it is difficult to be in a town where everyone our age has been given a lot - and they act spoiled because of it.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I have lived in a few places, by circumstance, that I didn't particularly like. It wasn't tied completely to my happiness, persay, but I definitely found far more pleasure in living where I now live, if that makes sense.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Do you think you are a happy person by nature? If so, I need to know your tricks! It feels like I have been more grouchy and negative for the last several YEARS than happy. I feel like I SHOULD be very happy - I have 3 healthy kids, I stay home w/ them bec. DH has a good job, we don't worry about $ too much - we have enough for our needs and the occasional Disney trip. I think I would REALLY love to move to another town - we have been here for 10 years and I have never loved it here - it is a town of 3,500 people in the middle of Nebraska - nothing to do, and I think I am not as "small town" of a person as DH. I hate that the entire town knows my every move, and the cliques that come from living in a place where everyone, or their spouse, was raised here. (We are one of the few transplants in town). I honestly think I would be happy if we could move somewhere else. DH, though, is afraid to move and then find out in a year or so that I am not happy in the new place, either. I just don't know - I don't want to uproot my kids (although, they are in elementary and preschool & I think they will adapt very well if we moved, and would have more choice of friends if we could go somewhere a little larger) without really thinking things through. I don't think I'm depressed, just tired of this too-small town and the small minded people in it, but DH has me second-guessing myself. Do you think WHERE you are can make you happy or miserable?

This post kind of scared me a little because it sounds like my exact feelings. I am a SAH mom of three & we moved into a small town 7 years ago and we all hate it. There is nothing to do for miles. Limited places to eat out at & no Target! DH is also wanting out, but we will have to transfer out with his job so that's what we are waiting for and it could happen any time now.

All I can tell you is what I keep telling myself. Keep your head held high and don't worry about the people in your town. If you truly want to move, then set it as a goal and work towards it. If there is a will, there is a way. Just remember that these people will not be in your life forever, don't stress to much over what they say or do. Just be yourself.