Are You a Protective (over protective?) Parent?

[Tigger&Belle]

Today my 6yo was invited to go to an indoor play area with a school friend. He doesn't pal around with this boy a lot, mainly just at school. But I have known the mother awhile. As a matter of fact, I used to take care of the boy's older brother when he was an infant (the mother was a teacher and finished teaching the school year the older brother was born).

Anyway, I was wondering if there are other parents who have a hard time letting their kids go off with other people. I don't mind him playing at other houses, but it's another thing going in their cars and to public places. I think it's a bit irrational, which is why I did let my son go. I did supply his booster seat (her boys don't use them), but I'll be kind of glad when he returns home. I was also a bit nervous when I let him go to the pool a few days ago with another mom and her kids (all older), but again did let him go.

The ironic thing is that he's my 4th child and in many ways I seem underprotective and I don't know that my son thinks I'm overprotective, which I suppose is good.

Also, I do "outgrow" this and allow my older kids to carpool, etc without too many worries.

So how many other worriers are out there? Do you override your feelings if you think you are being unreasonable?

 

[anewvance]

Hmm, interesting question. I don't think i'd have a problem with it... my girls haven't gone to many places with friends yet, they are still young. But they've been picked up after school to go to friends houses and i've had no problem with it.

Let him go, he'll have a blast!!!

 

[NMAmy]

DD is an only child which means I have the tendency to be overprotective but I stop myself from doing it too often because I don't want to limit dd's experiences just because I'm being silly. Sometimes DH will give me a gentle nudge if he thinks I'm being unreasonable and that helps me re-think my position.

I have to say, though, it was much easier when she was younger. Now that she's 15, I just want to wrap her in cotton batting and put her in a drawer until it's time to go to college. I take normal precautions but let go when I have to even though sometimes I'll sit there biting my nails until she gets back.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Hmm, interesting question. I don't think i'd have a problem with it... my girls haven't gone to many places with friends yet, they are still young. But they've been picked up after school to go to friends houses and i've had no problem with it.

Let him go, he'll have a blast!!!

Oh, I did let him go. I'm sure he's having a great time!

When he was in preschool we used to carpool with another family and I didn't have any problem with it, but for some reason I knew that the other mother was just as big on booster seat usage as me and was more protective in general.

NMAmy, it does get hard all over again when they get to be about the age of your DD and they want to start going places with kids who have a new license. I then long for the days when they are little. I have older kids who are 12, 15, and 18 and prefer the little problems.

 

[paigevz]

Yes, I'm a bit overprotective, but I try to ignore the tendency!

My kids are the only kids in the neighborhood to wear helmets on their bikes, the only ones I've seen wearing life jackets in the boat, my older son was the only one in a booster seat in 2nd grade, I go upstairs and bring them down for a sleepover in Dh's and my room if there are storms..............you get the picture.

However, while the older one has asked why his friends don't do these things, he has not actually resisted. So I must be doing okay!

I tend to not like my child to go off without me, though I will if he really wants to, so he ends up usually having his friends come with us. However, I have let him go to the pool (and it has a deep end!) twice without me since he's gone into 5th grade..........once with a family and once with a youth group...........such a big step for me!

I started letting my little one's babysitter take him out to McDonald's or shopping this year, and for the first time he stayed a half a week with my mother in Oklahoma, and I didn't even call more than once a day!

Every time I catch myself worrying, I just repeat the mantra "Let them fly, let them fly" and then try to find something to busy myself while they're gone!

 

[lindakmonty]

my ds5 is also an only child. I would say I am over protective. I don't like him riding in other peoples vehicles. I let him... I keep my feelings inside...but I just get that queezy feeling!! I let go have fun, but I worry about it. His babysitter has a trampoline w/net around it...and that still makes me worry. I just grit my teeth and hope and pray for him. He is all boy and wants to run and play. I protect him the best I can and that is all I can do. He wears his helmet, and pads. Thankfully, he's never been hurt more than a scratch so far. My grandmother use to tell me... they can be right under your skirt and still get hurt... let him be a kid I'd rather care too much than not enough.

 

[THESCHULTZFIVE]

DD is an only child which means I have the tendency to be overprotective

Why do people say that? I will admit that I am considered over protective of my girls. I had a conversation with a mom from DD9's class and she said the same thing you said. Since she has one she's over protective. Like because I have three I should consider the other two a spare for the first and not be that worried about what happens to her . I told her that I don't only have one, I have three. But I only have one of each of them. For the record I consider myself to be just the right amount of protective and not over protective.

 

[tinaluis]

I know how you feel! DH and I are both over-protective of our daughters -- 9, 7 and 4. Most other children on our block have a lot more freedom and rarely have to check in with their parents (or so our oldest says). Doesn't matter, I tell her, I'm your mother, not theirs (as I hear my mother's voice echoing in my head ). Just yesterday, I let her go to the corner hot dog stand with two friends from the neighborhood which is a big step for me. She's shown me that she is responsible, so I'm willing to let her have a little more room. It is very hard!

 

[powellrj]

I don't think you are being over protective at all. My kids are like yours, because they are all spread out age wise. 23, 15, 10. I think sometimes we are more protective of our youngest because we know what dangers are really out there. Things that other people worry about, I just blow off because I know in the grand scheme, they don't really matter, but there are things I can really be over protective about.

DD who is 10 wanted to go to a new camp this summer with her Just Say No group. I mean the kid has been going to church camp a couple hours away for 3 years and staying a week. This camp is run by the State Police, is at a college 2 BLOCKS from our home, and is only for 3 nights, and I am still not sure if I want her to go. If it were my oldest DS, I would have had sent without a second thought.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Why do people say that? I will admit that I am considered over protective of my girls. I had a conversation with a mom from DD9's class and she said the same thing you said. Since she has one she's over protective. Like because I have three I should consider the other two a spare for the first and not be that worried about what happens to her . I told her that I don't only have one, I have three. But I only have one of each of them. For the record I consider myself to be just the right amount of protective and not over protective.

In my case I have 4 kids and when I say that Jake is the youngest of 4 and I'm a little surprised that I still have these feelings it's because I would think that since I've gone through this with my older kids I would have loosened up by now with him. It's not that I love him any less.

Also, with 4 children I'm busier than I was with one child, so sometimes my kids fly under the radar and get away with things they wouldn't get away with if there was only one. Not much--I'm fairly aware, but there are occasions that it's happened and I see it with some of our friends who have large or at least larger families.

My DH is not much of a help in this department because he tends to be more protective than me. His mother was way over the top protective, so he doesn't have a very realistic view of normal as far as this sort of thing goes. I'm the one telling him to loosen up.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

My oldest flew across the country on a non-stop flight when she was the age of my youngest son--the one that I was leary about letting go to the indoor amusement area today. Just watch, Jake is going to be married before he flies without me... I can't beleive I let my DD fly alone that far when she was 6 1/2yo!

 

[NMAmy]

Why do people say that? I will admit that I am considered over protective of my girls. I had a conversation with a mom from DD9's class and she said the same thing you said. Since she has one she's over protective. Like because I have three I should consider the other two a spare for the first and not be that worried about what happens to her . I told her that I don't only have one, I have three. But I only have one of each of them. For the record I consider myself to be just the right amount of protective and not over protective.

Well, I apologize, I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone and, of course I don't think that any of your children could be a substitute or spare for the others.

The reason I said that is because my mother (who has three children) and my sister (who has two) and other friends with more than one child have told me that they tended to loosen up a bit with each subsequent child. Not that they didn't love ALL their children but that they realized that the world wasn't going to end if the kid played in the dirt, or went off with their friends, or whatever. In my own personal experience (which may or may not coincide with yours or anyone else's on here), first-time mothers tend to be a bit more frantic and overprotective with their children than moms who have more than one.

 

[va32h]

I tend to not like my child to go off without me, though I will if he really wants to, so he ends up usually having his friends come with us.

I used to feel this way too - "you can't go with them, but they can come with us," until the day when the other child's mother said to me "Why do you expect me to grant you the trust you are unwilling to show to me."

Ouch! Made me feel about 2 inches tall.

I will let them go places with other kids, if I know the parents. I do worry, but I let them go. I drop them off at birthday parties, unless the hosts ask me to stay. They visit their aunt without me on a regular basis, but not other relatives - some just have better judgment than others.

I am more protective about what they see on TV and hear on the radio than I am about places they go.

My oldest is going to Girl Scout Camp next month, several moms in the troop expressed surprise that I would (could) let her go. They all want to know how she does so theirs can go next year, though.

 

[Zandy595]

I'll join the overprotective club. The only thing I'm really bad about is the whole child abduction thing. I am uncomfortable when DS10 goes into a restroom by himself and I make him check in with me about every 30 minutes if he's playing outside where I can't see him. We have a known child molester who lives about 2 miles from our subdivision. Our neighborhood has a lot of young families with kids and everyone knows that.

DS is going to spend the weekend with my brother and his fiance. I feel perfectly comfortable with him going, but I know there will be moments while he's gone that I'll worry about him. When he first started preschool I would have little panic attacks occasionally thinking something happened to him. Of course, nothing ever happened and I got over it eventually. I'm just a crazy overprotective mom. DH is under-protective so I guess I feel like I need to make up for him.

 

[SamIAm21]

I learned a big lesson from the movie Nemo. You gotta let 'em go a little bit and experience life. If you never let anything happen to them, then nothing will ever happen to them. Good or bad right?

I tend to be somewhat protective of my DD, who is 6, but she's pretty good about understanding rules. She's not in that "defiance" mode yet. She'll get there someday, but right now, I'm enjoying her compliance.

 

[barkley]

it depends how well i know the child and the parents. just knowing someone from school and extra curriculars is nothing like knowing how they live or behave in other circumstances. here's an example that kind of shows what i mean-we lived up until recently across the street from the local high school principal. he was a great guy publicly, the kids and parents adored him and probably never would have hesitated letting their kids go to some event or activity with him as the designated parent. at home however, he and his wife were the terror of the neighborhood-they terrorized neighborhood kids by ranting and raving at them for playing IN THE OWN YARDS (yelled at them and called the police for noise people in the house on the property with the yard could not have reasonably heard). we (honest to god) did'nt know they had children of their own until 7 years after moving in because the kids were never permitted to exit the house-they got into the car in the garage with the door shut and got out the same way, never played outside, never came to any neighborhood events (though the parents did). an invitation by their child to "come and play at my house" may have been entirely different from what most parents/kids would have thought. not dangerous-but not the lighthearted interaction with the guy they knew from school.

i would rather err on the side of being overprotective. i'm esp. this way when it comes to my kids riding in other people's cars. i don't know what their driving habits are like, and it only takes one accident.

 

[MareQ]

My kids are the only kids in the neighborhood to wear helmets on their bikes, the only ones I've seen wearing life jackets in the boat, my older son was the only one in a booster seat in 2nd grade,

That's not overprotective - that's common sense!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

barkley, that's one strange guy!

True, though, that a person should know the people. I'm amazed at how loosy-goosy some people are with the care of their kids without even knowing who they are entrusting them with.

When my 12yo was turning 7yo he had his party at Discovery Zone and one boy (a neighbor, but we were new in the neighborhood and hadn't met the parents) didn't get picked up. They'd dropped him off at the party and hadn't introduced themselves unless it was to my DH and VERY brief. Good thing we were paying attention because the boy didn't tell us his parents weren't there and he wasn't close to us and we easily could have left. We tried calling his parents and eventually reached his mother, who said his dad had been in an accident. We ended up bringing the boy home and his dad was there, with his car which certainly looked ok so at the most is was a fender bender. Don't know why they didn't call the place to make sure someone brought him home. Sure made me wonder about that boy, but alas that was the first of many stories with that boy, who is now 13yo. Nice kid, but the parents don't pay any attention to where he is or who he is with.

 

[Stitchfans]

have to confess that yes I am overprotective. I am a worrier. I find myself still worrying over my oldest DD and she is 25. I let DD 11 do things but I am very nervous waiting until she comes home.

 

[lindakmonty]

Well, I apologize, I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone and, of course I don't think that any of your children could be a substitute or spare for the others.

The reason I said that is because my mother (who has three children) and my sister (who has two) and other friends with more than one child have told me that they tended to loosen up a bit with each subsequent child. Not that they didn't love ALL their children but that they realized that the world wasn't going to end if the kid played in the dirt, or went off with their friends, or whatever. In my own personal experience (which may or may not coincide with yours or anyone else's on here), first-time mothers tend to be a bit more frantic and overprotective with their children than moms who have more than one.

that is exactly what I was thinking as well. Well said