Are these parents wrong? What would you do?

[Jeafl]

I work part time at an elementary school (K-5). One of the third grade students is gradually going blind. She has some kind of degenerative eye disease that will only get worse with time. Apparently, she has had this disease for 3 years, but over the summer it has gotten much worse. The problem is, her parents still haven't told her what is wrong with her. As far as she knows, she just needs glasses for poor eyesight.

She has been assigned an aide to be strictly with her all day at school, and some people from our district are now working with her using a white cane and teaching her how to go up and down stairs safely. I am with her during recess, and can see how difficult it is for her on the playground. She cannot really play on the equipment because she has problems seeing borders of things and going from sunlight to inside.

My problem is this, she asked me point blank yesterday if I knew what was wrong with her. We have been instructed to tell her nothing except that her "eyes don't work too good, but that she will be fine". Now that she is working with the white cane, she is becoming more suspicious. She told me her parents told her she is going to be fine, but that she wasn't sure she believed them. Our social worker has tried to convince the parents that the time is right to tell her, but they said they are waiting for the perfect time and place. In the meantime, it puts me in a difficult position. I don't want to lie to her anymore. I've told her she needs to talk to her parents about her fears, but they continue to lie to her.

I've never been in this position, so I don't know for sure how I would act, but lying to her seems very wrong to me.

 

[Maleficent13]

I'm with you, but unfortunately we can't legislate other parents' lack of sense, and so they have every right to not tell her. I wouldn't say anything if I were you; you don't want to end up disciplined or perhaps on the end of an "emotional distress" lawsuit. I'd just keep referring her to her parents. Poor kid. I can't imagine anything worse than knowing something as obvious as going blind is wrong with you and the people you are supposed to trust more than anything (ie, parents) won't be straight with you.

 

[KristaTX]

- Sounds like this poor little girl is being set up to have some trust issues in the future. I am sad for her because of her illness and the lack of honesty from her parents, and I'm sad for you that you are put in such an uncomfortable situation. Even if they are telling her that she will be fine but secretly mean that she (and not her eyes) will be fine, it sounds like she thinks they are telling her that her eyes will be fine but also thinks they are lying to her.

 

[bananiem]

I'm so sorry you are in this position. In my opinion the parents are doing a horrible thing by keeping it from her and making her think she'll be fine. If they handled it better she WOULD be fine. She'd be getting the help to deal with it now. Since they're lying to her I can't imagine how much resentment and anger she'll have toward them when she finds out the truth. She'll feel like it's something to hide and be ashamed of. Sounds to me like she's figuring it out on her own.
Oh, those parents have my blood boiling...
I'll send you some pixie dust though.

 

[CRB#33]

First of all the fact that you know what the social worker told the parents AND what the parents reply was is unethical and infuriating. Not your fault of course, but what this person did just ticks me off. No one should know what goes on between the social worker and the parents except for the agencies involved. I would have reported the social worker.

I will never fault a parent for doing what they feel is right in a situation like this. I cannot judge what I cannot know.

 

[TEENEE]

My dd has had medical problems. Nothing as permanent as this poor little girl. When ever anything has come up with my dd we have been straight with her. She can handle her medical problems if she know what they are and what her limitations have been. The fear of the unknown is worse then facing the problem. I feel sorry for you being put in the middle of this. I hope the parents come to their senses soon.

 

[holycow]

I wish I had some words to help ...but until the parents do something...sigh......


Holycow

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes the parents are wrong. I suppose you can ask her what has her doctor told her???

I don't understand why her doctor has not said anything to her?

 

[disykat]

Originally posted by CRB#33
First of all the fact that you know what the social worker told the parents AND what the parents reply was is unethical and infuriating. Not your fault of course, but what this person did just ticks me off. No one should know what goes on between the social worker and the parents except for the agencies involved. I would have reported the social worker.

I will never fault a parent for doing what they feel is right in a situation like this. I cannot judge what I cannot know.

???? How would the teachers,etc. working with her know not to tell her if the social worker hadn't passed on the parents wishes? I don't see how this is the social worker's fault.

 

[CRB#33]

I cannot believe more people aren't outraged over the privacy issues that are being violated here!!!

This is all gossip, pure and simple! This is completely unethical and all the people involved could lose their jobs over this!

Sick thing is, it goes on in every school I work in! Everyone thinks everything is their business!

If I were you, I would be keeping my mouth shut about it. If the parents find out you are discussing this all hell could break loose.

This is the parents decision. Who in God's name are we to judge when we are not in the same position. Even then.

 

[CRB#33]

Originally posted by disykat
???? How would the teachers,etc. working with her know not to tell her if the social worker hadn't passed on the parents wishes? I don't see how this is the social worker's fault.

All the social worker needs to say is, "Do not tell this child anything."

Done. And legally, that is ALL she is allowed to say.

But in today's gossipy work places, they tell everything. It's wrong.

 

[Maleficent13]

Originally posted by CRB#33
I cannot believe more people aren't outraged over the privacy issues that are being violated here!!!

This is all gossip, pure and simple! This is completely unethical and all the people involved could lose their jobs over this!

Sick thing is, it goes on in every school I work in! Everyone thinks everything is their business!

If I were you, I would be keeping my mouth shut about it. If the parents find out you are discussing this all hell could break loose.

This is the parents decision. Who in God's name are we to judge when we are not in the same position. Even then.

Um, correct me if I'm mistaken, but the OP never actually said whether the social worker was authorized to discuss this with the staff or not. Maybe the parents wanted the staff to know, so they would know what not to tell her.

And everyone thinking everything is their business goes on everywhere, not just in schools. It's a fact of life. I also advised her to not say anything.

It is certainly the parent's decision, and I don't think anyone ever disputed that fact. And we are allowed to feel sorry for the child, are we not? Imagine if you were going rapidly blind and no one would tell you what was happening? Can you even imagine the terror? I can.

 

[Jeafl]

CRB#33, the parents specifically asked the social worker to talk to us because we are the ones dealing with her and need to know what is going on for her safety. I don't think anybody is really gossiping about her. I talked to the social worker because the little girl keeps asking me about her condition. I needed to know exactly what the parents want me to say. There is no way I would ever tell her anything the parent's don't want said.

Having said that, I don't think it's fair for the parents to expect us to keep lying to this child. I've known her since Kindergarten and it really upsets me that she will feel betrayed by me when she finds out the truth.

 

[TEENEE]

As far as the privacy aspect of this goes. Many of you are assuming that the OP was not involved in any discussions with parents. I know in my dd's case I had meetings with several administrators and teachers regarding my dd. In our case I wanted everyone involved with my dd to understand her health issues. The parents of this little girl may have felt the same way.

 

[39CINDERELLA]

I have RP ( RETINATISPIGMENTOSA ) it sounds alot like what this little girl has I have had it since I was 6 or so and it was never hidden from me what was wrong with my eyes, how can these parents be so ignorant!!!!!!!!!!!!!? this girl need to know so she can prepare herself for what is ahead of her. My DD also has it and we never kept it from her,com-on this girl knows something is wrong with her! I think the parents are in denial!

 

[eeyore kelly]

As hard as it is, and as wrong as the parents are, I, too, advise you to keep sending her to her parents. Anytime you conference with the parents or Social Worker I would mention that she is questioning her condition and does not believe her parents. if you say something to the little girl and you have been told not to, you could be sued.

 

[GoofItUp]

How sad for this little girl! But, as others have said, you can't go against the parents wishes. I think I would just advise her to talk to her parents and/or doctor about it. That way you're not lying to her by telling her she's fine, and you're not breaking the rules, either. The parents can decide when to tell her, but they can not force you to lie to the child.

 

[39CINDERELLA]

sorry for the spelling errors

 

[CRB#33]

Look, I'm not mad at anyone here. I never said anywhere that you should not feel sorry for that child. What kind of person would that make me.

but the OP never actually said whether the social worker was authorized to discuss this with the staff or not. Maybe the parents wanted the staff to know, so they would know what not to tell her.

If that's true, fine. I do hope that all conversation about this child would stop at that point, and I just see from Jeafl's last post that it did.

Now about this quote:

And everyone thinking everything is their business goes on everywhere, not just in schools. It's a fact of life.

It should not be a fact of life. We should accept gossip because it's a fact of life????? How about doing what's right?!!!! And in schools, if a parent finds out you are talking about their child, they have legal cause to go after you for disciplinary action. Is it worth the risk? Is it that much fun to talk about others?

Gossip is sick entertainment.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by Jeafl
I've known her since Kindergarten and it really upsets me that she will feel betrayed by me when she finds out the truth.

That is sad.

If my kid were going blind I think I not only would be upfront with her, but work with her to "see" as much of the world as she could. Do as much as I could.
I just don't understand the benefit of keeping this info from her.

But the parents are entitled to their decision. I imagine that the daughter will get it out of them.
You just have no choice in the matter.