Are people really that unaware?

[pcparamedics01]

I find it hard to believe that people cannot pick up that there are issues with a child. Are they really that stupid? DS had a melt down in the grocery store today. He did not have his med's because we ran out and we were waiting for his script to come in the mail today with baited breathe.

Well of course it was a scene at the grocery store. We were waiting in line and DS was pressing numbers on the pad while the customer was trying to cash out. Crying and very loud because he did not get a prize.Touching peoples personal belongings etc. etc.

Well the lady in front of me was giving him daggers and looking at the cashier and they were both giving each other looks of disgrace until finally I said, He is Autistic. They both looked at each other as if they were mortified and said we didn't know". Okay in all fairness, he does not look off in any way. But, do typical kids at the age of 9 going on 10 really act like this? I have never seen it unless they have issues. Some people have no common sense.

Sorry had to vent today!!!!

 

[KirstenB]

I'm sorry you had to deal with ignorant people! I read something on another thread, not sure if it was here, or an autism board, but the person was talking about living in an "autism and family members world". ONly people who understood firsthand what autism was like could be in the world. Cracked me up...and took my stress level down 100% just fantasizing about that world.

 

[mechurchlady]

Having hit the half century mark I have spent too much time watching kids. How is someone supposed to know your son is disabled. Too often parents with healthy kids will let their kids smash the bread at the market, climb on displays and furniture, take handfuls of pamplets and coupons, scream, hissy fit, and be down right a pain in the rump. Too often parents of healthy kids will turn their kids loose in a restaurant where the waitress nearly drops a tray of food because of the brats or the kids are bouncing on the seats and playing with their food.

I can look at a kid and sense that it is autistic but a lot of people just see another spoiled healthy brat turned loose on society instead of a disabled child. I may sound mean and am sorry if I am harsh but that is the way I see it. How is a person to know that a kid is disabled? It was rude of the ladies to be giving silent signals of frustration.

I am sorry that you had to go through what you did and hope things get better. Sending you hugs.

 

[AJKMOM]

I have an autistic son, and have seen many kids without any diagnosis acting much worse in public than he ever has. His elementary teacher often said the kids in the general school population were much worse behaved than him, especially at restaurants and stores. But, he has had melt-downs in stores when he doesn't get everything, or in restauarants when it takes too long to get his meal.

There are a lot of people out there who know nothing about autism, maybe just what they saw in "Rain Man". So, yes, people are unaware. That doesn't make them stupid or uncaring. That may have been your time to educate them by saying "My son is autistic, and we having problems with his medication. I am sorry he invaded your space (also a big issue with my DS, btw.)and I hope to get our problems settled soon."

If I even think there will be a problem, like on a plane, or waiting for something, I will say something to those around us. Most are very understanding, and often talk about someone they know with a similar diagnosis. Just my thoughts. Good Luck.

 

[Piper]

I teach Pre-K in a public school and I am the teacher who gets the "inclusion" students. I can tell you that I would rather have my "special" kiddos than many "normal" ones.

Much of the time the behavior of the "normal" kids is worse than the "special" kids because their parents don't parent them. I am the one to teach them self-control, empathy, desire to do their best, manners, etc. We have had 10 weeks of school this year and there is a big difference in the behavior of my students. I truly love each student and expect them to be the best they can.

I have already had parent conferences this year and you wouldn't believe how many parents say things like "Tell Johnny he needs to go to bed when I tell him--he'll listen to you." One parent even told me that she almost had a wreck because her child said the thing he liked most about school was the rules! Sad.

 

[alizesmom]

That unaware? In a word, yes. How aware were you before your son was born? I, myself, am very aware of the logistics that concern my son's multiple conditions since I have entered that world. It's the human way. We all become egocentric related to our experiences. Could the ladies have been kinder? Yes, but it was obviously due to inexperience instead of lack of compassion. I hope that things go better for you and you continue to share your world with those of us who don't live in it. Karen

 

[mazz1]

i think sadly people jump to the first conclusion and see a naughty or poorly managed child

it's been over 11yrs now since my first child was diagnosed with autism and i've been in a similar situations with meltdowns in the supermarket it's not pleasant to feel you have to justify your sons behaviour and explain or apologise for him just being him

there are plenty of children and adults without disabilities who behave appalingly and have no excuse or reason to do so

i changed a while ago and i cannot pinpoint when but i've become harder and now think why the hell should i apologise for my child being different, she hurts no one and if other people don't like how she behaves then that's their problem and not mine

ask yourself do "normal" people apologise for being rude or being abusive to a cashier or do they explain they have had a bad day and the answer is rarely yes

i spent yrs teaching my children to say thank you when others hold open a door for them and yet everyday i see members of the older generation who should know better completely forget their manners when my children are holding open that door and waiting for a simple "thank you"

your son is a precious individal and if others cannot see that then that's their loss

 

[thunderbird1]

OP: I always try to give parents the benefit of the doubt when I see a child "acting up," and speak up when others say something critical. The same with people who aren't obviously disabled parking in handicapped parking spaces. You can never know what's behind what you see. Personally, I'd rather go through life assuming people are "good" but dealing with issues beyond their control than assume they're "bad parents" or perfectly healthy but faking a disability just to get good parking. It's a much nicer world that way.

That unaware? In a word, yes. How aware were you before your son was born? I, myself, am very aware of the logistics that concern my son's multiple conditions since I have entered that world. It's the human way. We all become egocentric related to our experiences. Could the ladies have been kinder? Yes, but it was obviously due to inexperience instead of lack of compassion. I hope that things go better for you and you continue to share your world with those of us who don't live in it. Karen

That's a brilliant statement! As my IL's have aged and developed more "issues," it's been interesting watching them become more egocentric, as you put it. My MIL has developed vision problems, and she was always complaining that restaurants make menus too busy, colorful and in such small print that people can't read them. I had to constantly remind her that people with normal vision can read them just fine. My FIL is even funnier. Whenever we's drive by a new housing development, he'd say he can't understand why they're building so many big, 2 and 3 story homes. They're never going to be able to sell them, he'd say, because elderly people don't need all that space and can't climb all those stairs. I had to frequently remind him that not everyone is 90 like he is, most people can climb stairs just fine, and that's why they're also building lots of 55+ housing communities (complete with smaller, 1 story homes). Our world is only as broad as our experiences.

 

[pcparamedics01]

After reading the posts, perhaps it is due to inexperience... Thanks...However when you see a child flapping his hands profusely, crying, speaking loudly, making no I contact with the people in line, having little regard to the person in line... etc etc. Perhaps a light bulb would go off.

It is hard enough to try to take control of the situation. It's even harder to deal with the situation and then have to explain his actions to others. Before I ever knew anything about ASD, I would never give out comments, ugly faces, gestures to others of disgust etc whether I knew if the child was a just spoiled etc or have issues. I just believe things are not always what they seem. More importantly, it is none of my business.

Today is a new day, yesterday was tough and needed to vent! Thanks for all!!

 

[pcparamedics01]

ii changed a while ago and i cannot pinpoint when but i've become harder and now think why the hell should i apologise for my child being different, she hurts no one and if other people don't like how she behaves then that's their problem and not mine

:

I think I am getting to that point too. Thank you for your sweet post!

 

[AJKMOM]

I think I am getting to that point too. Thank you for your sweet post!

Personally, I don't apologize unless there is a reason to, either. But I will say "my son has autism" if an incident occurs.

If you want to see more on this, there are threads on the Disney disAbilities board about people making commnets when families use the Guest Assistance Card, or the kids are behaning in line. I mentioned there that no one has ever said anyhting aobut my son at DisneyWorld, and I would certainly challenge anyone who did. someone posted that they were told "I wish I had one of those cards", and the reply was, "here is my autistic son, want him for the day?" No reply from the rude person, go figure!

 

[Maraena]

I find it hard to believe that people cannot pick up that there are issues with a child. Are they really that stupid? DS had a melt down in the grocery store today. He did not have his med's because we ran out and we were waiting for his script to come in the mail today with baited breathe.

Well of course it was a scene at the grocery store. We were waiting in line and DS was pressing numbers on the pad while the customer was trying to cash out. Crying and very loud because he did not get a prize.Touching peoples personal belongings etc. etc.

Well the lady in front of me was giving him daggers and looking at the cashier and they were both giving each other looks of disgrace until finally I said, He is Autistic. They both looked at each other as if they were mortified and said we didn't know". Okay in all fairness, he does not look off in any way. But, do typical kids at the age of 9 going on 10 really act like this? I have never seen it unless they have issues. Some people have no common sense.

Sorry had to vent today!!!!

Amazingly, I have seen children who have no noticable disabilities behaving far worse. (Keep in mind that I have worked with individuals with disabilities on a personal basis for over 20 years of my life and on a professional basis for 10+. I typically have an 'eye' for disabilites - be they physically indicated or not.)

I'll have to echo what others have said here: most people are quite unaware of non-physical disabilities until it personally affects them. It always amazes me when folks expect to just be able to 'tell'. Heck, I miss quite a few in brief encounters.

I'm also not sure about the age of the individuals in line with you but I have found that older individuals are even less aware of disabilities. My mother, who is pushing towards her mid 60's, still doesn't really understand disabilities and certainly doesn't understand my desire to work with those individuals. She really only seems to understand the obvious disabilities (such as Down's Syndrome or wheelchair-bound) and typically wants to discount any others as bad parenting. I'm still working on her but I sincerely doubt that it's going to change. Her mindset is reflective of her generation and the tendencies of the time to institutionalize individuals with disabilities.

That being said, ignorance of disabilities is fairly persistent in our society. People see disabilities in television and movies and assume that surmises the entire spectrum of that disability. Once someone has a definition set in their head of what it looks like, it's often exceedingly hard to change that perspective.

 

[pcparamedics01]

Personally, I don't apologize unless there is a reason to, either. But I will say "my son has autism" if an incident occurs.

If you want to see more on this, there are threads on the Disney disAbilities board about people making commnets when families use the Guest Assistance Card, or the kids are behaning in line. I mentioned there that no one has ever said anyhting aobut my son at DisneyWorld, and I would certainly challenge anyone who did. someone posted that they were told "I wish I had one of those cards", and the reply was, "here is my autistic son, want him for the day?" No reply from the rude person, go figure!

Yes I think I remember that post. TG I did not get anything like that when we were there. That comment would of infuriated me, and there would be no control of what would of came out of my mouth! See again people opening up their mouths without knowing anything about the situation. I hate that!

 

[pcparamedics01]

That being said, ignorance of disabilities is fairly persistent in our society. People see disabilities in television and movies and assume that surmises the entire spectrum of that disability. Once someone has a definition set in their head of what it looks like, it's often exceedingly hard to change that perspective.

So true Maraena! Rain Man comes to mind with most people. I just shake my head!

 

[melomouse]

Hi - I just wanted to let you know I share your frustration with the world out there today.

I'm the mom of an Asperger's son (almost 16). I shared on one of your earlier threads about the woman going off on me in WDW because my DS sat on a rope.

Yes, there are so many who STILL look at him in public and think he's an obnoxious, out of control, poorly parented kid. I gave up being embarrassed years ago - but now DD is often uncomfortable with others doing the eye rolling in ignorance.

All I can tell you is that it's much easier for me today ( as a single mom, no less) than it was years ago. Sometimes I truly believe autism can be a gift. DS is definitely different - but he sometimes blows me away with all the progress he's made and the things he says.

Prayers & Hugs

 

[6TimeMomma]

Okay, I certainly don't mean to offend, I readily admit that I don't know much about autism. I am not real clear from your post---when he acted this way in the store, were you trying to correct him or just "letting him go". Because if you were just letting him go at it rather than trying to correct him, that would get disapproving looks from me, even if he DID have a disability.

Even with a disability, shouldn't you be trying to teach him correct social behavior? Again, I seriously don't intend to offend. I just know that with my own son (Down Syndrome), we are always insistant that he act appropriate or there are consequences. Does it not work that way with autism?

 

[pcparamedics01]

Hi - I just wanted to let you know I share your frustration with the world out there today.

I'm the mom of an Asperger's son (almost 16). I shared on one of your earlier threads about the woman going off on me in WDW because my DS sat on a rope.

Yes, there are so many who STILL look at him in public and think he's an obnoxious, out of control, poorly parented kid. I gave up being embarrassed years ago - but now DD is often uncomfortable with others doing the eye rolling in ignorance.

All I can tell you is that it's much easier for me today ( as a single mom, no less) than it was years ago. Sometimes I truly believe autism can be a gift. DS is definitely different - but he sometimes blows me away with all the progress he's made and the things he says.

Prayers & Hugs

Oh yes I remember that. That was aweful! Thanks for the reassurance. Yes it does get easier as they get older. He always amazes us and makes us laugh hysterically with things he says! He has a great personality!!!

 

[pcparamedics01]

Okay, I certainly don't mean to offend, I readily admit that I don't know much about autism. I am not real clear from your post---when he acted this way in the store, were you trying to correct him or just "letting him go". Because if you were just letting him go at it rather than trying to correct him, that would get disapproving looks from me, even if he DID have a disability.

Even with a disability, shouldn't you be trying to teach him correct social behavior? Again, I seriously don't intend to offend. I just know that with my own son (Down Syndrome), we are always insistant that he act appropriate or there are consequences. Does it not work that way with autism?

No I am not affended. Let me explain. When Autistic children have a melt down there is little or no reasoning!! You can only try to redirect or remove them from the situation. I tried to remove him from the situation as fast as I could. But, I could only do so much with him acting out and having my 4 year old to tend to. Redirecting him was not an option on this particular day. Soem days it works.

 

[merryweather20]

I would think the exact opposite of AJKMOM, always apologize but don't mention the Autism unless you wanted to. I would just think that its none of anyone's business unless you wanted to tell them. Several months ago I was in Wal-Mart and a little boy ~8, ran up and started pinching me, I was trapped because I didn't want to roll over his feet with my wheel-chair to get away either. I would have just rathered she said "sorry" rather than "he has autism". Obviously being pinched isn't the end of the world, but I'd rather not have had black and blue marks up and down my arm. I guess sorry would have just felt like a better acknowledgement that the pinching wasn't okay.

I'm not sure if the OP's situation warrants an apology,maybe if the pushpad was on the debit machine that the other customer was using, it would have been enough into the other person's privacy that it would have been reasonable to apologize.

 

[pcparamedics01]

I would think the exact opposite of AJKMOM, always apologize but don't mention the Autism unless you wanted to. I would just think that its none of anyone's business unless you wanted to tell them. Several months ago I was in Wal-Mart and a little boy ~8, ran up and started pinching me, I was trapped because I didn't want to roll over his feet with my wheel-chair to get away either. I would have just rathered she said "sorry" rather than "he has autism". Obviously being pinched isn't the end of the world, but I'd rather not have had black and blue marks up and down my arm. I guess sorry would have just felt like a better acknowledgement that the pinching wasn't okay.

I'm not sure if the OP's situation warrants an apology,maybe if the pushpad was on the debit machine that the other customer was using, it would have been enough into the other person's privacy that it would have been reasonable to apologize.

Well that certainly warranted a huge apology. I would of been mortified if my son did that! Not all Autistics have behavioral issues that involve trying to hurt others. Mine is completely passive and would never hurt anyone unless they tried to hurt him. With the exception of his sister of course that terrorizes him. He pushes her, but that is it. As far as my incident. He did push the keypads while she was trying to cash out and I did apologize and even put him in the cart so I could assure he did not do it again. Then she started to proceed with her ugly gestures with the cashier. Thats when I said. "You know he is Autistic".