Are gifts important?

[FreshTressa]

I am married to a really nice guy. He always comes home on time, helps with the kids, turns the heat on when he leaves the house in the morning so it is warm when we wake up, helps with housework, supports me in school etc. We hardly ever fight and he is just your basic nice guy.

BUT, he is really bad at gifts. Every year, he chooses horrible gifts for me. I am always like, what is the problem, don't you KNOW me??? You live with me every day, you should know what kinds of things I need/want. I even lay down LOTS of hints every year.

Well, this year, for christmas, he didn't buy me ANYTHING. There were no gifts for me from him or the kids. I spent lots of time, carefully choosing gifts for everyone on his side of the family, and on my side of the family, and for him and the kids. But when christmas came, I got a big fat zilch from him.

He says, well, go buy whatever you want. You will choose better things for yourself than I ever could, and that he doesn't have time to go shop since I need him at home so much.

Logically, I say to myself, that one event shouldn't matter since he shows me he loves me in little ways all through the year, but it still hurts my feelings and I don't know what to do about it. I keep trying to forget and move on, but I just keep stewing about it in my head, feeling resentful to him.

Any advice??

 

[Trib]

I am married to a really nice guy. He always comes home on time, helps with the kids, turns the heat on when he leaves the house in the morning so it is warm when we wake up, helps with housework, supports me in school etc

Sounds like he gives you a gift everyday


Love is not materialistic

 

[Pooh67_68]

I agree with trib. And if you really do want something, than buy it yourself, that way you do get exactly what you want.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

My husband and I rarely exchange gifts. We would rather spend money on our children and see the joy in their eyes.

For Christmas I got a calendar, coffee cup and POTC DVD. I purchased them all. He got a PS2 game for himself. It's not a lot but we were happy. I used to care a lot about presents but now I don't.

It didn't bother me that my husband didn't buy me one thing for Christmas. I have everything I need and that is a wonderful husband.

Lori

 

[tlgoblue]

How else would you have him? All that and gifts that nock your socks off? Personally, I'd rather have what you described than a guy who is a jerk but buys me a beautiful pair of diamond earings or some other such nonsense. (I know lots of them!)

I actually made a list this year and guess what? I got nearly everything on it. I was not suprised, because my DH, like yours, wants my happiness above all else. We have been together for 25 years and he finally got my "wants and needs". He also tried to "surprise" me with a large kitchen appliance that I had occasionally mentioned in passing. I was the one who felt terrible. I knew it came from William Sonoma, and told him the only thing I wanted from there was a Capresso coffee grinder/brewer. He was disappointed, as he thought I really wanted this enormous Kitchenaid stand mixer! He told me I could exchange it if I wanted, but I kept it and make all kinds of his favorite foods with it.

Your hubby sounds like a gem. Keep him. Tell him you feel childish about the gift thing, but could you at least get me something from my list? Chances are, he is trying to suprise you and just keeps missing. Don't leave that to chance. Tell him what you want, if gift giving is a part of your relationship. Or you could just go on resenting the fact that he doesn't know you. Tell him who you are.

Keep the Faith!
Tracy

 

[onecoolmama]

Here's what happen to me. My husband was taking 5 classes this semester...on top of working full time. He was busy. This whole semester..he didnt come home until after 8 every night becuase it was easier for him to do school work at his office. He woud run out both weekend days to classes that were 4-5 hours. Every Tuesday night he came home at 5 ate and ran out the door and didn't get home until 10pm. He was really busy...and I knew this. I didnt complain (my kids are 3 and 1) about not getting any extra help. He never once got up with the kids at night...nothing. He only did what he was invovled in. So when the first two weeks of December hit.I knew he would be busy the exams and everything.

On the 15th of December..two days before his last exam..we got into a fight. I said to him that he needed to start thinking about Christmas presents becuase we would run out of money by the time christmas came. He told me he didnt have time to think about any of that right then..and got mad that I brought it up.

Was I wrong? Nope..Christams came and I didnt get one present. I had had it. I understood that he needed me to take care of him and do so without complaint while he was in school...but he needed to get out of the mentality that I ws going to do that forever. I told him I felt extremely unappreciated. At first, he gave me every excuse in the book as to why he couldnt bother to get me something for christmas. Finally, something I said hit him..becuase he said, "You are right, I guess I have been wrapped up in myself lately." My b-day is in 3 weeks (Jan 20th) so I am hoping that he gets me something.

I would just tell him in a nice way that it hurts when there isnt something under the tree. It doesnt have to be big or expensive..but a little something that shows you for one minute he stopped to think about you and there is something to show for that. You have it pretty good right now with all the help you get...but do I think you are wrong..no. I think that it is a little thoughtless on their part and they need to be reminded..nicely.

 

[CEDmom]

Any man can go out and buy his wife earrings, perfume, a sweater etc. It doesn't necessary show his love for her. The man that gets up with the baby to let you sleep in, goes out of him way to get you your favorite treat or does the laundry so you don't have to is one who is truely expressing his love. Sounds like you got a good one there. I wouldn't worry about the gifts. Take him up on his offer and go buy yourself something.

 

[mus muris asinus]

If gifts are important to you, go with Tracey's advice and skip the hints -- give him a list.

 

[onecoolmama]

A story to make you feel better. My Aunt got a $250 vacuum cleaner. A couple of movies that she wanted. A few other things that she had been wanting. Anyway, Christmas came and she was really happy...until Christmas dinner. See they have seperate accounts and to make a long story short..(too late)...he told her she had to pay him back!!! He told her that presents come out of her account (including hers) and that she had to pay him back.

Now dont you feel better about your relationship?!!!

 

[mickeyboat]

I have to say I agree and sympathize with the OP. My husband used to be teriffic about buying me gifts. He may have waited until the last minute to buy it, but he used to put some thought into a gift. Now I get NOTHING! I bought my own birthday present and got nothing for Christmas. I don't expect elaborate or expensive gifts. We agreed that we would rather spend the money on gifts for the kids or for our upcoming cruise. But I think he uses those reasons as an excuse to not have to put any effort or thought into a gift for me. It is the thought that counts - and a thought doesn't have to cost anything. I think that is what the OP was eluding to. I don't think it is selfish at all to expect your husband to mark the occasion (birthday, Christmas, etc) with some token of his feelings for you.

Talk to him about how he feels. I think my husband doesn't really care about gift-giving so it doesn't really occur to him (unless I tell him) that it means something to me. Now is a good time to discuss it since there is no gift-giving holiday until Valentine's Day. I bet if he is the great guy you say he is, he will do better in February. As a matter of fact, I think I will remind my husband of my feelings too.

Good Luck - to both of us,

Denae

 

[tlgoblue]

Here's another one. My sister's DH told her he bought her a Tag Heuer(sp?) watch, but in order to get it she had to indulge him in a very special type of intimacy! So true that she told him where to put the watch and spent New Years at my house in a bottle of Grey Goose, without him!

Keep the Faith!
Tracy

 

[cgcw]

I didn't know my DH had a twin out there!

For years DHas told me I'm too difficult to buy for and anything he would pick, I wouldn't like, so why bother. I have learned to buy my own gifts and place them under the tree. While I'm not happy about it, I have come to accept this.

My DS9 is now old enough to go into a store and buy a present for me. DH doesn't do this with him, I do it and have for the last couple of years. We go to Hallmark and he ALWAYS picks out a snow baby for my collection. The ladies in the store wrap it nice for him and he has something special to put under the tree. All I have to do is provide the transportation & cash.

I know that someday DS3 will be old enough to get in on this tradition. I just hope that my children grow up to be gift givers, unlike their dad.

 

[believe]

Originally posted by Trib
Sounds like he gives you a gift everyday
Love is not materialistic

True, that love is not materialistic and he is showing his love everyday.....but I have to say that even though my DH shows his love for me everyday through small actions I still enjoy gifts. I rarely buy myself anything, I am always taking care of someone else's needs. It is nice when DH gives me a gift. I have to say that I do not complain about anything DH gives me, I won't exchange it either. I cherish the thought he puts into any gift.

Have you tried giving him a list? DH and I exchanged a list of 3 things we would like for Christmas, knowing that we would not get all 3 since we had each bought other gifts to give each other...but this way you atleast get 1 thing you asked for.

 

[tc]

I would be very hurt if my husband allowed birthdays and holidays to pass w/o getting me a gift, or at least acknowledging me. It's not about the material aspect, but about the feeling behind it. When we were first married, I got a Carebear (Love-a-lot) from him for Christmas, along with a corny poem he wrote about how we met and how much he loves me. Not expensive, but I still have both gifts and remember that Christmas fondly. Remembering your spouse at these times just shows him/her that you were thinking of them. That he/she is important to you. If you can't spend a lot make something, promise to help out with the kids or write a poem. For those that ran out of time, give a gift certificate (hand made if you want) for a shopping trip, just the two of you, to pick out something special, and add a romantic dinner and you have the makings for a great gift.

FreshTressa: I would tell him how you feel. Let him know it's not about the gift, but the thought that you are not important to him. Tell him that you just want to be acknowledged. It's great the things that he does do, but if you don't get personal acknowledgment about how he feels, it makes you feel as though he doesn't love you like he used to. Be honest with him, and he'll realize what is missing.

 

[Cruisin]

Fresh Tressa
I understand how you feel, you are not alone in this behaviour.
Yes it is very nice that your husband is so nice and helpful and kind and considerate and all of the wonderful qualities that he has.
But it is very depressing to be sitting at the Christmas Tree when everyone else is opening gifts and there is not even one gift under the tree for you to open.
You start to feel unloved and unappreciated.
My husband feels because we go on nice vacations that gives him permission to not get me any presents for any occasions throughout the year. I don't want much, but something would be nice.
When the kids were little I used to buy gifts for myself and wrap them and put them under the tree, just small things like socks, underwear etc. It is hard for little ones to understand why mommy has no gifts to open at Christmas.
I usually just go out and get whatever I want anyway, so even if he didn't buy me a gift for my birthday, Christmas etc. I still get the things I want.
Next year try not putting any gifts under the tree for your husband, maybe he will get the hint that way. You could try to point out the example that he is setting for his own children?

 

[Kirby]

Your husband sounds like mine! I remember one Christmas, when we had been married just a couple years, he gave me baseball socks.

We've been married 22 years. For the last three or four years we just get something for each other together (does that make sense?). We bought a tv armoire one year and this year we are getting new garage door openers. We have everything that we need, I'm as hard to buy for as he is.

I believe, in fact I know, that he wasn't taught as a child how to buy gifts for others, how to think about what another person might like. We are teaching our children how to buy for other people and to buy something that the person they are buying for will hopefully appreciate. To listen to the people they love throughout the year and when it comes time to purchase something for them, they will have and idea. For instance, my husband heard a song on the radio that he just loves. I took the time to find out the artist and the CD it was on and ordered it for him. He was very surprised at Christmas because this is not a well know artist. Our son gave it to him and now our son knows what to do. While we were in Chicago, my husband watched a movie that he really liked. Now we have an idea for another present for next Christmas.

My husband and I don't exchange birthday gifts either but we have a tradition of going to the State Fair each year since our birthdays are side by side and always during the Fair.

So it all depends on what you want to do, let it slide and love him for who he is or let it needle you. I chose to let it slide and am very happy. My sister on the other hand.......

 

[Pin Wizard]

I think in a marriage an occasional gift is nice. We tend to take each other for granted too much and should show appreciation, even if it's something small.

This year I gave a friend a keyring that I knew he would like. And I had his initials engraved on the back. He didn't say it, but I could tell he loved it! And he said...my initials are on it! I think that was the clincher. Yes, your initials are on it! Made me feel good to know I chose something he REALLY likes!

 

[DD2Disney]

Fresh Tressa,

I know every minute of every day that my husband loves me, but that wouldn't stop me from being hurt that he didn't take the time to 'think' of my on Christmas or birthday whichever. I don't think it has to be a certain thing or item. Even if he just wrote me a nice letter. I am sorry that your husband didn't get you anything. Thankfully he is a good guy and I am happy for you there. Sometimes it is really hard to love these men.

Tricia

 

[banana hammock]

My 2 cents

When I was in school and tending bar 6 night’s week to pay for my education I was dating a young girl of means.

When the holidays rolled around I bought her what I could afford. She was less than thrilled

It was one of the reasons we broke up

I found that random acts of kindness far surpass material wealth

 

[Fire14]