Are gifts important?

[Lisa F]

My DH is pretty similar to FreshTessa's. He's extremely thoughtful and helpful around the house and I love him dearly, but he frankly sucks at the whole gift giving thing. I know where he gets it from, his parents never gave gifts at holidays or birthdays, claiming to not want to have to buy gifts on a schedule but rather preferring to get people things as they need them.

DH also managed to surprise me with a proposal and engagement ring after I thought we had agreed to wait a while (mostly because it wasn't a great time financially to buy a piece of jewelry and he wanted to do it "right") and he is fond of saying that he surprised me once (I'm really hard to surprise) and won't even bother trying again. He's basically made his lifelong goal of surprising me once and he's done.

We sort of get around the whole gift giving thing by me just telling him what I want. It's much easier that way, he doesn't have to agonize about it and feel like a bad husband when he can't think of anything he thinks I will like, and it's just not worth that kind of angst over something that is supposed to make both people feel good. So, he's a straightforward kind of a guy and needs to be told what I want. There are worse things in the world than that. Maybe you could just tell him what you want.

He DID used to get me flowers occasionally but the cat knocked them down, spilled water all over my diningroom table and ate a bunch and then barfed all over my good diningroom rug (btw, wool rugs are a dream for cleaning up cat barf) so he doesn't buy me flowers anymore.

BUT he does take VERY good care of me and he is my best friend. That really is the best gift of all and it HAS taken me a few years to come to grips with that, but it was worth it. He does get me gifts, but only if I tell him what to get for me, but I'm OK with that.

Lisa

 

[SilverLily]

Originally posted by Fire14
I know my Dh spoils me. I get flowers just b/c, lil gifts of candy once in awhile. He cooks me dinner on days I work 12 hr shifts. Heck I'd be happy with a simple email saying "I love you and have a good day". For Vday last year I was envy of DIS I got doz roses, a bag of turtles candies, and a lil teddy bear bean bag, along with a cute card.

...and this helps the original poster out how?

Sorry, I don't mean to pick on you. I've seen this on many threads...a poster is down about something, and someone has to chime in about how wonderful that aspect of their life is. No sympathy. No helpful advice. Just bragging.

I don't get it.

 

[Dan Murphy]

FT, I agree withthe general direction of the thoughts here. Gifts, material, are nice, true, but sometimes, it is just the daily activities of life that are, in of themselves, the gifts so many of us really need. I know, something wrapped is nice once in awhile, but trust me (and a guy talking here), some guys, me included at times, just 'don't get it'. Our thought processes of what is and is not important is so very totally different from a woman's. I know. Be very thankful (as I know you are from how sweetly you laid out your thoughts in your post) of just how great your hubby is, a trreasure, trust me. Give him a hug for me too, okay.

Dan

 

[gshoemate]

I understand completely with the OP. For the past couple of year's my DH has said that he didn't want anything for Christmas so in turn that meant he got nothing for me. So this year I explained to him that I am like a big kid and would like something under the tree. So I gave him a list. It had plenty to choose from and I was very surprised with my gifts. Sometimes it's frustrating because I play close attention to things that DH says. For Christmas I got him a smoothin maker (his favorite gift), a DVD and tickets to a Detroit Pistons game.....I really surprised him especially when he said he didn't want anything for Christmas. I would explain to him how important it is to you to have some type of gift under the tree, and if you need to, give him a list.

 

[disykat]

I read a book, but can't quite remember the name - The Five Love Languages - something like that. (I'll post it later) I am not a gift person, but it helped me understand how some people are. It talked about the different ways people express their love, like spending time, giving gifts, etc. Maybe you should buy a copy for your dh and you can both read it. It sounds like he shows his love in other ways, but needs to learn to listen to what is important to you as well.

 

[FreshTressa]

I read that book, it is great! It works in all of my relationships, my mom, my kids etc.

Thanks guys for your input. It really helps to know it is not just him, and that lots of men/people are like that. And thanks for helping me put it in perspective. It is rather materialistic of me.

And, like I said, he is a great guy. He got up in the middle of the night with our daughter for a full year for feedings. I never had to get up once. I guess that is better than any christmas present.

I did give him a list this year. And my mom always calls him for me and tells him what to get me. He still doesn't get it. He says if I want the stuff on the list, to go buy it.

He says the whole thing is kind of silly.

I tried talking to him tonight, and he said he was really sorry and that it is just really hard for him to think about things from my perspective. He just can't get past the filter of things that he likes. He says when he goes to the mall to get me gifts, everything is a blur and it all looks like stupid stuff. I guess I just need to be understanding of him too.

He used to always make me these really neat pop-up cards and poems and write me songs for gifts when we were young. He thought that I wouldn't appreciate them now that we could afford other stuff. I told him no way! Those things are still very important to me, and if he could please try doing that again. I told him also, he could just to buy us tickets to an event. He could get them online, wouldn't have to go to a mall, and the surprise would be what event he chose.

I never really wanted to talk to him about it because it felt like begging for gifts, but I don't want to build up resentment about it.

 

[Serena]

Your guy sounds wonderful.

 

[RNMOM]

Oh, there are a lot of men out there that just don't understand that we NEED to have presents, even small ones of minimal value.

Here I what I have learned to do. First, don't tell him you don't want a present. He will give you what you ask for. Second, don't be vague. Cut out pictures or adds and give them to him. Third, act like you are pleased with the presents, no matter what.

This year we hit our 25th anniversary. I bought myself a Disney radio, gave it to him and he wrapped it for my present. He also bought me a book (which he read after I opened it ) and a Hallmark Christmas ornament I asked for. He had to go to 4 Hallmark stores for it but he got it. He also got me the Josh Groban new CD. Those are not big presents but I got just what I asked for.

Every year I pretty much tell him what I want. He is an engineer and that is not part of his brain that works. My DH is a great guy, as yours is. I would not trade him for the world. this year I got him several presents that he did not know he was getting. I actually managed to surprise him and it was great.

 

[FreshTressa]

Lol, DH is a software engineer.

 

[tlgoblue]

Another SE wife here! Not only did I give him a list, I actually took DD with me to the store & showed her EXACTLY, (I'm talking color, size, everything) what I wanted and said don't even bother if it's not these things. I know it sounds mean, but I think it really helps him. As a Software engineer, he spends his entire existence solving puzzles, and I don't want to be another puzzlement. He also hates shopping. He will go get something that he knows I want, but to go to a mall looking for something, is torture to him. He also knows me well enough to know that if the men's medium black silk pajamas were sold out, that it would be ok to not get jammies at all. I wouldn't want the red or the blue or the ladies froofy jammies.
I actually called him and asked him what he got me last year for Christmas and he said "Nothing. What did you get me?" Hmmm. Must have just been one of those years. Then we both recalled at the same moment that we spent our Christmas buget on a new powersteering pump for my van that we were travelling in from Indiana to California, via Florida! Anyway, I'm telling him early this year that I want a hot tub for Christmas next year. Don't exactly know how that will pan out. He may just take me some place that has a hot tub for Christmas, but that would be ok, too.