Are all men picky daters?

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I don't think all men or even most of em are picky daters. I've seen women that weren't all that good looking or women with totally obnoxious personalities or women that were neither good looking, nor good natured with guys hanging all over em.

 

["Cinder" Ella's Mom]

This is just silly. You are putting the cart about 500 miles before the horse. You're planning the wedding and the post-wedding weight gain before you've even met the man. Hasn't the fact that men are visual creatures been brought up over and over on this thread? I've been married 31 years. If I had been the size I am now 33 years ago, he would not have looked at me as he liked thin girls and I was a size 7. If he had been as bald as he is now, I probably wouldn't have looked twice at him either because I liked hair on a man.

This! My DH fell in love with me thin! After he loved me and I was heavier, he still loved me just as much. If it was reversed, who knows? It doesn't matter really.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Wow, you have so much in common with mmackymouse...both in circumstances and writing style. I do hope you can look up her dating posts....lots of excellent advice there.

I did online dating for 6 months and I met my husband through an online dating site. When I was doing that, I was a nice-looking, average weight (high end of "normal" BMI, but not in overweight category), 25 year old. I got a decent number of messages from men and I sent out a decent number of messages to men introducing myself as well. I kept an open mind and went out for coffee or a drink with any guy who seemed to have his life together, didn't look awful, and sent me a message indicating that he had read my profile. I went out on about a date a week and really had a ball with it. It took some effort, however...I probably spent 30-60 minutes a day just responding and sending messages on a couple of sites. (I was determined to find a husband!)

My close friend also did online dating...she was also 25, but was over 6 feet tall and quite overweight. She also went out on a number of dates and ended up meeting her husband online.

My point of saying this is that I personally find it hard to believe that you are not getting the chance to meet a single person. I'm not calling you a liar, I'm just wondering what the circumstances are behind it since there are all types of people on the sites...successful and unemployed, attractive and not so attractive, fat and thin, etc.

How many messages are you getting a week? How many are you sending out? What is the text of your profile like? How many sites are you on?

I LOVED Match.com, but I ended up finding my husband on one of the free ones.

 

[niceblueeyedgirl]

My point of saying this is that I personally find it hard to believe that you are not getting the chance to meet a single person. I'm not calling you a liar, I'm just wondering what the circumstances are behind it since there are all types of people on the sites...successful and unemployed, attractive and not so attractive, fat and thin, etc.

How many messages are you getting a week? How many are you sending out? What is the text of your profile like? How many sites are you on?

I LOVED Match.com, but I ended up finding my husband on one of the free ones.

I personally find it hard to believe I am not getting a chance either. Trust me! Ha. I described my profile, and messaging style in a previous post, if you care to take a gander.

I have received 10 messages total in my 2 weeks at match.com. These were all response to something I messaged, and 7 of these were thanks but no thanks type of messages. I have received only one message with the man initiating...no picture, nearly twice my age. I have sent out approximately 150 messages.

I am active on two dating sites right now. I have existing but unpaid profiles on two other sites, meaning they can view me and message me if they want, but I cannot reply unless I pay up.

I actually did find a tiny bit of success on a religious-based site....well sort of, at least. I "met" this guy and we really hit it off. Sparks and everything. He was telling other people how interested he was in me and they were subsequently messaging me to tell me so. And, I liked him a lot too. A lot, a lot. We were both taking things slow. It would have been long distance, and we wanted to do things the right way. So, before I left for Disney earlier this summer, we had a talk about how once I got back, we would start moving to the next step, talk about meeting each other, get more serious. I was beyond thrilled. Well, four days after I got back, he went to a work conference and guess what? He met a girl. A real-life girl. And things got serious. She has even flown to meet him. And obviously, I am way out of the picture. I'm happy for him, I am....but, I cannot even begin to describe how crushed I was.

At first, I wanted nothing to do with an internet romance or online dating situation. Nothing. I was being very, very cautious, and my friends who had also become friends with him online, were like, "He's crazy about you. You have to go for it." And, I think he was crazy about me. But, life happens, and no one is to blame. But, it still stings quite a bit.


So, that's my sob story.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

Picky Daters?

well...

let me answer your question..


Most real men, the objective to dating is to get your skivvies around your ankles with the least amount of time and money invested.

most real women know this, and consider dating a prolonged negotiation over the terms.

all else is window dressing.

 

[Sanchez]

Picky Daters?

well...

let me answer your question..


Most real men, the objective to dating is to get your skivvies around your ankles with the least amount of time and money invested.

most real women know this, and consider dating a prolonged negotiation over the terms.

all else is window dressing.

The no pants dance.

 

[undertheradar]

Honestly, the OP is overthinking this. I have no experience with online dating, so I cannot help you there.
As a male, there is a fine line between confidence and overconfidence. I met most of my dates via friends and co-workers. I met my wife through a co-worker. While we were not each other's "ideal date," we had a connection that has endured being together over 25 years. Neither of us is the same size or has the same hair that we did. We are older, more relaxed, have wrinkles, age spots, etc. I wouldn't trade her for anything and she is my best friend on the planet.
My advice would be to slow down and not rush things. If you are sending out as many introductions as you state and are receiving so few responses, then the message you are sending is not working. You need for your friends to be bluntly honest with you, not providing the feedback that you wrote on here. You need your friends to do some scouting for you and see what kind of guys they find for you. This is an obvious work in progress and you will need to be patient while you get your friends to help. Group settings work best for this, as there is no pressure on either party. There is the added benefit of your friends seeing how you act in this situation and they can help you perfect your interactions with these new guys. None of this will be easy and it will take time.
Good Luck!

 

[Robinrs]

I guess the real question would be is WHY come on a Disney board and ask a lot of long married people questions like this?????? Is this place truly your demographic?

Do you have any male friends? Run this past them. Don't ask women about what men want, ask single men. Preferably friends who will be honest with you.

Whether you are or are NOT the former poster both of you don't need to share such information with strangers who do not know you or care about you on the web.

Find someone who can care for you. I think you deserve that.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I personally find it hard to believe I am not getting a chance either. Trust me! Ha. I described my profile, and messaging style in a previous post, if you care to take a gander.

I have received 10 messages total in my 2 weeks at match.com. These were all response to something I messaged, and 7 of these were thanks but no thanks type of messages. I have received only one message with the man initiating...no picture, nearly twice my age. I have sent out approximately 150 messages.

I am active on two dating sites right now. I have existing but unpaid profiles on two other sites, meaning they can view me and message me if they want, but I cannot reply unless I pay up.

I actually did find a tiny bit of success on a religious-based site....well sort of, at least. I "met" this guy and we really hit it off. Sparks and everything. He was telling other people how interested he was in me and they were subsequently messaging me to tell me so. And, I liked him a lot too. A lot, a lot. We were both taking things slow. It would have been long distance, and we wanted to do things the right way. So, before I left for Disney earlier this summer, we had a talk about how once I got back, we would start moving to the next step, talk about meeting each other, get more serious. I was beyond thrilled. Well, four days after I got back, he went to a work conference and guess what? He met a girl. A real-life girl. And things got serious. She has even flown to meet him. And obviously, I am way out of the picture. I'm happy for him, I am....but, I cannot even begin to describe how crushed I was.

At first, I wanted nothing to do with an internet romance or online dating situation. Nothing. I was being very, very cautious, and my friends who had also become friends with him online, were like, "He's crazy about you. You have to go for it." And, I think he was crazy about me. But, life happens, and no one is to blame. But, it still stings quite a bit.


So, that's my sob story.

Well, it does sound like you are doing all you can do to make a connection with someone. Like others have said, it does sound odd to make that many attempts and still not wind up meeting someone in person for drinks. The only thing I can think of is to have a friend give you an honest critique of your profile and some messages to see if they have any pointers.

I know many are saying to try other forms of dating...but I'm guessing you already have! Personally, I am very shy and nervous in a group of new people, so meeting someone at a party or through a hobby or whatever just wasn't likely to happen for me. I'm much more comfortable 1:1, so online dating was a much better fit.

WHOA--that is quite the story about your online long-distance love interest! It's a shame you lived so far away and couldn't meet in person sooner. I'm sure friends and family have since told you to focus on people available in your area...but that it's also tempting to take a risk on one of those long distance relationships if the chemistry is right...

 

[SwimBikeRun]

I was a poster on the last thread too. She really did get some great advice. I hope you read the thread! Anyway, here's my take/advice/background.

I get where you are coming from with online dating. It is not easy. I did find that "most" women tended to be more realistic than "most" men. Men's big issue seem to be weight of women and women's big issue seems to be height and/or career/job of men. I, too, found that many men with huge beer bellies labeled themselves as fit, which I found comical, at times. As women we do tend to sell ourselves short and that is the worst thing to do when online dating. It is tricky. You want to tell them enough to get them interested but not enough to make them feel like they know everything about you. You have to leave them wondering, saying, "I want to meet this woman".

Now, I'm older/divorced but I don't think it is that different - maybe even worse because us 40's ladies are competing with women in their 30's. LOL Anyway...

I met my current boyfriend on match. He is fabulous! He has no problem with my curves (likes them actually) and thinks I am way too hard on myself about my weight. He thinks I'm "stunning"!

He almost didn't write to me! Why? I sounded TOO busy. He didn't think I'd have time for him/a relationship.

So I urge you to read your profile carefully. Make them want to contact You.

I'm happy to read your profile for you or give you mine (it's still up until the end of the year I think) if you want some help.

Good luck!

 

[pigletgirl]

I think you are living in a fantasy world. Men DO want a woman who takes pride in her body. If she grooms herself well and makes herself presentable, that is attractive to men. Of course we all have differences in what we find sexy, and at the end of the day for a man to fall in love with a woman, she needs to be the total package (again a subjective thing). I think its time you humble yourself and quit trying so hard. A pompous person is a turn off to all people.

 

[aaarcher86]

This just made me laugh out loud. No, you missed my point. Or I didn't make it well enough. My point was....do I really want someone who chooses who they befriend based on looks? Is that the kind of person I want. I want the kind of person who is kind to all people...fat or thin, tall or short, unemployed or gainfully employed, smokers or non smokers...if someone is judgmental to the point they will not even talk to someone they don't consider worthy....that's not the type of person I want. Anyway....here is an example of my profile: I talk about how I am a jack of all trades type of person. I know a little bit about a lot of small things. I know a lot of stupid trivia, which makes me great at trivia games. I describe my sense of humor as dry and witty, understated, but that I love to laugh, so I am looking for a guy to make me laugh. I talk about my interests and hobbies. I talk about my dog. Really basic stuff. As far as messages TO guys, it usually goes along the following lines: Hi, how are you? I love your dog, what breed is he? or I see you like the Bengals, what do you think of the trade to... or Welcome to the area. It's usually a pretty simple. Hi, how are you doing followed by some sort of question to show that I have read their profile. I really don't THINK it comes across as desperate. I don't know how it could...but maybe?

It doesn't mean they aren't KIND to all people, they just don't want to date all people. You're really doing yourself a disservice by worrying about it.

 

[chisnpeke]

I think you are living in a fantasy world. Men DO want a woman who takes pride in her body. If she grooms herself well and makes herself presentable, that is attractive to men. Of course we all have differences in what we find sexy, and at the end of the day for a man to fall in love with a woman, she needs to be the total package (again a subjective thing). I think its time you humble yourself and quit trying so hard. A pompous person is a turn off to all people.

I agree with this.

 

[lauradis]

This is just silly. You are putting the cart about 500 miles before the horse. You're planning the wedding and the post-wedding weight gain before you've even met the man. Hasn't the fact that men are visual creatures been brought up over and over on this thread? I've been married 31 years. If I had been the size I am now 33 years ago, he would not have looked at me as he liked thin girls and I was a size 7. If he had been as bald as he is now, I probably wouldn't have looked twice at him either because I liked hair on a man.

Yep this.

 

[lauradis]

Picky Daters?

well...

let me answer your question..

Most real men, the objective to dating is to get your skivvies around your ankles with the least amount of time and money invested.

most real women know this, and consider dating a prolonged negotiation over the terms.

all else is window dressing.

I was wonder what brave soul was going to say it. Lol thank you.

 

[sugahjunior]

Honestly, the OP is overthinking this. I have no experience with online dating, so I cannot help you there.
As a male, there is a fine line between confidence and overconfidence. I met most of my dates via friends and co-workers. I met my wife through a co-worker. While we were not each other's "ideal date," we had a connection that has endured being together over 25 years. Neither of us is the same size or has the same hair that we did. We are older, more relaxed, have wrinkles, age spots, etc. I wouldn't trade her for anything and she is my best friend on the planet.
My advice would be to slow down and not rush things. If you are sending out as many introductions as you state and are receiving so few responses, then the message you are sending is not working. You need for your friends to be bluntly honest with you, not providing the feedback that you wrote on here. You need your friends to do some scouting for you and see what kind of guys they find for you. This is an obvious work in progress and you will need to be patient while you get your friends to help. Group settings work best for this, as there is no pressure on either party. There is the added benefit of your friends seeing how you act in this situation and they can help you perfect your interactions with these new guys. None of this will be easy and it will take time.
Good Luck!

OP has a long history of overthinking things. I truly believe you get back what you put out there and OPs post (on this thread and her prior threads) demostrate that she has a lot of preconceived notions about relationships in general and specific men she encounters that are not conducive to having a healthy relationship. Guys pick up on that. I think once she comes to terms with the fact that relationships aren't gauzy-lit romance covers she just might have more success. I think over the years many have been both generous and patient with their advice but once again she rejects any part of life that doesn't conform to her view of the world.

 

[booger73]

From a man's perspective:
1) Make sure whatever you say in the profile is the best thing first - get a man to read it. Anything longer than this 1st sentence if it hasn't caught my attention by now, it's ignored/too late/he may not even bother to read...
2) Doesn't have to be the most flattering, "model" like picture, but as the PP says, make sure the picture(s) are good ones, and smiling.. get a guy friend to pick some good ones out
3) Last but not least - you're probably trying too hard as one PP suggested - in two ways, I think.. There's always the old adage that 'things happen more so when you're not trying or looking...' Seems to me you're putting too much pressure on yourself, which might or might not reflect in the way your online persona comes across... men like to flirt and 'chase' and you may be inadvertently too aggressive in your communications.. (i dunno). [certainly if i knew a woman was sending out 150 messages to other people that would be somewhat of a turn-off (although how a guy you're communicating with would know that, who knows), but i bet there might be a few subtle clues (anywhere from too many messages to too many questions, to the way something's asked, etc)

my $.02

 

[Robbi]

OP, I'll give you the same advice that I've given to a few other people. Go out with friends to dinner, clubbing, whatever. Your goal is to have fun. It is not to find Mr. Right. You might be surprised if you're only out to enjoy yourself that it makes you more attractive. Men like to see women not taking themselves too seriously. Try it and see. It can't hurt.

Wanted to add that I am a woman. My advice comes from having had 4 brothers and 2 sons.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

Are men picky daters? Yes and no because just like women they have their preferences.
The thing about the search for love is that if you go looking for it, you just will find yourself either A. Getting into a relationship just to be in it even if you two are matched or B. Not getting into a relationship because the guy doesn't fit the standards. Stop looking for love, just enjoy yourself and a great guy will come however if you push too hard on yourself and him, it probably won't happen. Stop overthinking things because it's not going to help you.

The thing about romance is it can be great but its not if you expect a romance novel, prince coming to save the princess kind of thing because those expectations are not healthy. Romance and relationships are work and sometimes it gets ugly.

 

[sonnyjane]

I'm also of the camp that it's likely the information in your profile that's scaring them away and not your images. I belong to another forum and a woman there asked pretty much the same question. Turns out her profile contained information regarding her extreme love for her pet cat, her desire to "start a family very soon", and that she was looking for someone that earned enough to support a stay-at-home-mom. Those are all things that DEFINITELY could scare guys away after just a first glance.