Appropriate punishment disagreement

[jemiaule]

My husband and I are having a disagreement about a punishment I gave our son. I would like some opinions.

Last night our youngest son (he is turning 5 this month) got a hold of a black sharpie pen while I went out to the garage to get put some groceries into the freezer. In a matter of 4 or 5 minutes he had walked down the hallway from the kitchen and then to his bedroom, running the sharpie all along the wall. HUGE long marks. He went into the laundry room, marked up the washer and dryer (which are almost new, only 18 months old!) and then stood there scribbling all over the bottome half of the door that leads out to the garage. It may not sound like much but trust me, it was a horrible mess, especially the formerly nice white door.

Needless to say I was pretty pissed off but managed to keep my cool. I asked him why he did this and he said "I couldn't find paper". We have told him dozens of times that pens, pencils and crayons are to be used on paper only. This is not the first time he had marked up something with pens but never to this extent.

I took him to his room, explained to him what he did wrong (again!) and let him know that this was going to take alot of work to clean up and cost us a lot of money to repaint these walls and the door. He said "you could go get more money at the bank". Aha, ha! I figure here is a good chance to teach some economics and punish him at the same time.

I explained to him that we can't just walk into a bank , ask for money and they will just hand it to us (don't I wish!!). The work that me & daddy do each day people pay us for, then we take that money we have earned to the bank for safe keeping.

I told him each week you are given $1.00 on Fridays for ice cream at lunch time and to buy something from the student store. Daddy and I are going to have to spend a lot of time & money cleaning up this mess and you are going to have to help pay for it. I then let him know for the next month he will have to give me fifty cents out of his allowance to pay towards repainting the walls. Yes, I know $2.00 isn't going to pay for all the repainting...but he doesn't know that

Well my husband thinks this is unreasonable and that he should lose his allowance completely for the month. I don't agree with him; I think presenting it to him that he has to pay for the damage he caused teaches a much better lesson then just saying " ok, no allowance for you for a month!

It just seems to be a good opportunity to teach him that thing in life cost real money and sometimes we have to give up some of what we want (Friday ice cream at school or student store) to pay for things we need (or in this case need to repair).

So, what do you all think? Should we have just taken his allowance away or making him pay and explaining why the preferable punishment. And I am going to make him "pay". He will be handed 4 quarters each Friday as usual, then will have to go see his father and pay him the fifty cents to contribute towards the repainting.

Oh, and he also got sent to bed early and has been told he can no longer use pencils, pens or crayons at home unless a grown up is there to supervise him. My husband did not disagree with me and those two things.

 

[minkydog]

I think you've hit on a good repayment plan--how can he learn to re-pay if he doesn't have the opportunity to "hurt" a little bit? At 5yo he knows better than mark on stuff, but he probably wasn't thinking about that at the time. Of course, now you know that you MUST keep all the permanent markers locked up with the medicine, right?

 

[shortbun]

Once a consequence is stated, it should not be changed. Your plan will do the same as his. It doesn't matter with a 5yo, a nickel, a quarter, a dollar-it's all money and if it's done over several weeks, it will serve to remind and make an impression. Have you tried those eraser sponges? They worked for me on loads of stuff. I don't recall if sharpie was one of them.
Once, my son wrote, "I love you Mom" on the bathroom wall. I never doled out a consequence for that one. lol!

 

[jemiaule]

Of course, now you know that you MUST keep all the permanent markers locked up with the medicine, right?

Later I realized where he got it, he went to my desk where I have a wooden box where I keep pens. He knows not to touch anything on my desk but did it anyway. If I had realized at the time where he got it we would have had a talking to about that too!

 

[jemiaule]

Once a consequence is stated, it should not be changed.

On that my husband and I agree. If you say it you had better mean it and be able to follow through.

His disgreeing with me came later in the night after the kids were asleep. We also have an agreement to try our best to present a united front to the kids. If we disagree about something like this we talk about it when they are out of earshot.

 

[jemiaule]

Have you tried those eraser sponges? They worked for me on loads of stuff. I don't recall if sharpie was one of them.
Once, my son wrote, "I love you Mom" on the bathroom wall. I never doled out a consequence for that one. lol!

Oh yeah, we tried the Mr Clean Sponges (did not work), Goo Gone (worked a tiny bit on the washer & dryer, the black marks are now pale lavendar) and Goof Off (which removed a lot of paint along with marker on the walls and door)

The walls will have to be repainted - if we tried to touch it up it would be noticible, the washer & dryer nothing more can be done there and the door looks presentable for the time being but ultimately will have to be repainted.

Now, if he had written I love you Mom on the door I would have probably kept that though!

 

[littlestix]

Well, I was going to suggest the eraser sponge too. I'm surprised it didn't work for you. It seems as though it has cleaned up almost everything around here.

It's wonderful that you and DH try to save arguments until the kids aren't around. I feel that standing united ( if there is someone to unite with) is the #1 most important thing to do You have already decided the punishment for him and it will serve the purpose

Sounds like you and DH are great parents. Keep up the good work

 

[Snow_White]

I think you're 100% right with the punishment. Sticky situation, but good job. Hopefully your husband will see the light.

 

[littleteapot]

It's wonderful that you and DH try to save arguments until the kids aren't around. I feel that standing united ( if there is someone to unite with) is the #1 most important thing to do You have already decided the punishment for him and it will serve the purpose

Sounds like you and DH are great parents. Keep up the good work

Did you try rubbing alcohol?

 

[JPN4265]

My husband and I are having a disagreement about a punishment I gave our son. I would like some opinions.
"Needless to say I was pretty pissed off but managed to keep my cool. I asked him why he did this and he said "I couldn't find paper". We have told him dozens of times that pens, pencils and crayons are to be used on paper only. This is not the first time he had marked up something with pens but never to this extent."



First off, a spanking at that time would have been appropriate. Why does a 5 year old need an allowance? Sounds like you have an undisciplined child on your hands that you need to get under control. I would start enforcing the rules of behavior instead of just talking about them. I've noticed that alot of parents don't seem to understand who is in charge. Your looking for some problems if you don't get this situation undercontrol.

 

[crazyme5kids]

I prefer to think of the drawings my children did on the walls as creative. They all did it and they all out grew it. Now when I look at one of their little creative wall drawing (or look back and remember one) it puts a smile on my face.

They grow up so quick, I just never let those kind of things bother me. My kids are very well behaved by the way. Drawing on the wall did not turn them into unruly juvenile delinquents.

 

[poohandwendy]

I agree with your DH on this. Actually, we probably would have not only taken away the allowance, but also had him help clean it or do other chores to make up for it. If it had been an accident, that would be totally different. It wasn't.

IMO, he still gets to have a treat on Fridays, so it's not much of a punishment. This is one of those circumstances where my DH and I would have come to an agreement about punishment before we dealt it out anyways, so we would both be on board.

I understand your stance, but I would have handled it differently.

 

[JPN4265]

I prefer to think of the drawings my children did on the walls as creative. They all did it and they all out grew it. Now when I look at one of their little creative wall drawing (or look back and remember one) it puts a smile on my face.

They grow up so quick, I just never let those kind of things bother me. My kids are very well behaved by the way. Drawing on the wall did not turn them into unruly juvenile delinquents.

Samething with stealing a car, they will grow out of it.

 

[shortbun]

First off, a spanking at that time would have been appropriate. Why does a 5 year old need an allowance? Sounds like you have an undisciplined child on your hands that you need to get under control. I would start enforcing the rules of behavior instead of just talking about them. I've noticed that alot of parents don't seem to understand who is in charge. Your looking for some problems if you don't get this situation undercontrol.

Gosh-you should have read the whole post. He gets the money for ice cream and a purchase at school each week. AND-the op is a parent who chooses to enforce the rules by natural consequence.That means the consequence fits the crime-something LOGICAL and that teaches how the real world works. In this case because she will be spending money to repair the damage done, the child will be losing his money too. Logical, natural consequence. She-the mother-is in charge and she obviously knows what her job is. As parents, we are charged with teaching our children how to make choices in the world. In my job, when I make a mistake or willfully do something that my bosses do not like OR my partner does not like at home-no one hits me. Really, I NEVER get hit. Why would a parent who was interested in teaching their child how to get along in the world, how things work and how we deal with each other on a day to day basis, HIT their child? It teaches nothing in the long run and in the short run just makes everyone unhappy. Parent how you like but please refrain from telling other grownups to hit their children. See, I didn't like your post but I do NOT *HIT* you because of it. Instead, I explained the philosophy of 'natural consequence' to you. I even support your right to parent as you see fit. I only ask that you don't hit the rest of us because of it. Thanks!!!!

 

[crazyme5kids]

Samething with stealing a car, they will grow out of it.

You are kidding me!!!!????? OK let's go your route. Beat your child for drawing on the wall. Maybe he or she can grow up to beat their kids too.

 

[ducklite]

I'm not sure I agree with either of you. I'd take half his allowance for the rest of the school year! (But I'm the "meanest Mommy in the World" dontcha know!)

The marker line will probably need to be covered with primer before you repaint, I'd make him help with that. it's certainly at his level! In fact I might make him do the entire primer job himself--other than pouring paint into the tray, etc. I like to let the punishment fit the crime, and making him spend what will probably amount to the better part of a weekend painting primer over his mess should make him think twice about ever pulling a stunt like that again. In fact that will probably hurt a lot more than the allowance--especailly if it's a nice weekend and his friends are all outside playing.

This was a pretty serious violation for a five year old who is certainly old enough to know better. In a way I agree with a previous poster (a small way--spanking would have done nothing in the long-term) that the behaviour needs to be corrected now, or you'r going to have a mess on your hands in a few years. Frankly I see it as negative attention getting, which needs to be addressed. But that's a different thread altogether.

ETA: He's got the typical five year old's concept that money grows on trees (that truly is age appropriate!) but by only hitting him in the wallet, you are teaching that you can buy your way out of trouble. There has to be a punishment that will truly have a lasting impact and make him think twice about ever doing something like that again.

Anne

 

[CEDmom]

I prefer to think of the drawings my children did on the walls as creative. They all did it and they all out grew it. Now when I look at one of their little creative wall drawing (or look back and remember one) it puts a smile on my face.

They grow up so quick, I just never let those kind of things bother me. My kids are very well behaved by the way. Drawing on the wall did not turn them into unruly juvenile delinquents.

There are many of us though that think this shows a complete disregard for property and if not stopped at a young age it could lead to bigger things. My DD never drew on the walls but I know there would have been consequences if she had.

I have to say I once again agree with PAW on this. Your DS still gets a treat from this so I'm not sure he'll get much out of it.

BTW, there's nothing wrong with now talking to him about getting the pen from your desk and giving another punishment for that. Obviously just explaining inappropriate behavior to your DS isn't working so I think the next step needs to be immediate consequences for his actions.

Good luck. He sounds a lot like many young boys - very sweet but not great on thinking before doing.

 

[Longsx3]

If you DS was 3 I would say not surprising, if it was an isolated area maybe not such a big deal but at 5 and over such a large area there would be serious consequences...more than taking away part of his allowance. IMO at 5I am not sure how much value not having money to buy icecream a week later will carry. I am not exactly sure what punishment I would suggest because honestly DD never did anything like this.

 

[meandtheguys2]

I would have taken the allowance, and added jobs to pay off his debt. (age appropriate, of course.) 5 isn't too early to learn there are consequences to our actions.

When my oldest was 5, he climbed the ladder his dad had out to put up a ceiling fan, and drew on the ceiling with a sharpie. We had just redone that ceiling...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with your husband. Half a punishment does not make an impact on a kid.