Apparently I am a worthless stepmother...Vent

[OceanAnnie]

Yeah, I think her kids were out there and she wanted the older kids to help....

Oh, so he thought the younger kids should just do it all, and he shouldn't have to pitch in. They need the work for responsibility's sake. Got it. Drama llama.

 

[momof5boys]

yes, he is a huge drama quenn! I'm tired of trying to tell him what needs to be done at his age. Not sure he will graduate without that community service but I'm done warning him about it! He turns 19 tomorrow, has a car in the driveway he bought for $800 in May since then he has not been able to save enough money to get about $200 in repairs done so there it sits. I pay the insurance. Next kid turns 16 in Aug, maybe he should just buy the car from him? Wait until I turn off his cell phone tomorrow(yup pay that too) At 19 he needs to learn to pay some bills I think!

 

[teskak]

Since he is so obviously an adult, he can be treated as an adult

Since he so obviously does not appreciate anything you do for him - do nothing. When he reuses his jocks for the 4th time or cannot find a clean shirt for going out - that is a problem but of course you can show him where the laundry is
Isn't it rather chilly where you are, bit of a problem with no car having to use a bike, catch the bus or cadge lifts with his mates.....

 

[viviensmama]

My mother was reading over my shoulder and insisted I tell you that the only way she made it through my teen years was constantly reminding herself that teens are temporarily insane and sometime when they hit their twenties sanity returns as if nothing had happened! Hang in there.

 

[disneyjunkie]

yes, he is a huge drama quenn! I'm tired of trying to tell him what needs to be done at his age. Not sure he will graduate without that community service but I'm done warning him about it! He turns 19 tomorrow, has a car in the driveway he bought for $800 in May since then he has not been able to save enough money to get about $200 in repairs done so there it sits. I pay the insurance. Next kid turns 16 in Aug, maybe he should just buy the car from him? Wait until I turn off his cell phone tomorrow(yup pay that too) At 19 he needs to learn to pay some bills I think!

Your son sounds like a normal teen to me. Our sons are the same age (my son will be 19 in October). My son has done many of the things you've posted about.

If it's bothering you so much, step back and let your husband deal with him.

It's his car. If he isn't willing to spend the $200.00 it takes to get is fix, then just let it sit there. (Stop paying the insurance) There's no way I would allow the 16 year old to buy the car. That will just cause more problems.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

So my stepson 15 blows up today saying something is wrong with his mom's heart and she is having tests done. I think she has been telling him stuff related to this on the phone and playing on his sympathies. Background, he has not seen her in about a year, she doesn't ask for them. She didn't even send a birthday card or the Xmas money she told the boys they would get! This type of behavior has been going on for years, they have been with us for the past 11yrs.
I told him if she wasn't in the hospital then it shouldn't be too serious as I'm having tests for a heart problem also.(and then the oldest stepson says" well I think she tops you") That just made him more angry. I'm frustrated because she shouldn't be burdening him with this and honestly I think she is looking for a way to get on disability.(last month it was stomach problems...)Right now the state has a warrant out for her arrest due to non payment of child support. I am the only one working here as my DH was laid off last May not to mention he has had his 5th back surgery 2 wks ago.
Guess I'm just venting because I'm basically worthless to these kids but everything they've ever gotten(in the past 11yrs) has been because of me.
Anybody else get this grief? I honestly don't feel like talking to either of them and to heck with getting them stuff unless it's mandatory for school!

OUCH!

I understanad you are venting, but just b/csomeone is not in a hospital, doesn't mean something isn't seroius.

She could be a hypochondriac for all you know--or she could have a serious health condition.

You put yourself between her and her sons with your judgement and I do not blame them one bit for lashing out at you if that is the case.

My step-mother had a very low opinion of my mother due to the circumstances of my mom's life. Some her choice and some not.

Let's just say that to this day I do not respect her one bit.

While you may have a reason to be suspicious--it is NEVER your place to let the kids know about it.

You were in the wrong here. Sorry.

Sometimes I wish step-parents would think and consider their step-child's feelings before they open their mouths with something negative to say about their natural parent.

My step-mom never did and it is chilling to the step-child who has to witness that.

While he may need to grow up, I do feel that you should check your negative opinion of his momma at the door.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Guess what. All step parents are worthless.

No, not really . . . but in the eyes of the children, who don't always pay much attention to the facts involved, at some point, all step parents are worthless. They're kids. When things are going badly, they tend to say, "This wouldn't be going on if my real mom were here." Logic doesn't come into play. They're going to say (and think and act upon) these things because they're not always in control of their emotions.

It's hard, but try to remember that they're kids and give them a break about it. Yeah, I would treat my own children that way. If I were in the situation described above -- a husband who isn't working and who has medical things going on -- yeah, I'd cut back on everything. It's smart, and good parenting isn't about providing stuff.

What you said is a logical statement.

What she said was said with vindictiveness--not to teach them a lesson that she explains further along.

 

[disneyjunkie]

OUCH!

I understanad you are venting, but just b/csomeone is not in a hospital, doesn't mean something isn't seroius.

She could be a hypochondriac for all you know--or she could have a serious health condition.

You put yourself between her and her sons with your judgement and I do not blame them one bit for lashing out at you if that is the case.

My step-mother had a very low opinion of my mother due to the circumstances of my mom's life. Some her choice and some not.

Let's just say that to this day I do not respect her one bit.

While you may have a reason to be suspicious--it is NEVER your place to let the kids know about it.

You were in the wrong here. Sorry.

Sometimes I wish step-parents would think and consider their step-child's feelings before they open their mouths with something negative to say about their natural parent.

My step-mom never did and it is chilling to the step-child who has to witness that.

While he may need to grow up, I do feel that you should check your negative opinion of his momma at the door.

 

[Mermaid02]

I can't imagine being in the StepMom position... especially if the bio Mom is pretty useless. Seriuously, how frustrating would it be to take care of these kids, make their food, do their laundry, clean up after them, pay for their lessons, drive them around, take care of them when they are sick...... and love them- only to be treated like crap by them and see them hold their bioMom up on a pedestal? It must feel horrible. BUT you have to realize she is their BioMom and they only want to see the good in her... someday when they grow up they will realize who really loved them and took care of them. I guess you just have to hang onto that.

Golden Rule of Step Parenthood.... never say anything negative about bioparents in front of the kids......

 

[Gabes_mommy]

My DH had a very similar relationship with his birth father. He would say he was going to do things with DH and never show up, etc. I'm sure DH struggled with complicated feelings. I also know DH gave his step-father a hard time.

Now as an adult DH has tremendous respect for his step-father. He sees now everything that he did for him and they are close.

OP- they will get it someday. Just keep loving them now.

 

[luvsJack]

A child psychologist once told me that a child will lash out at the people they know they can trust. He told me that DS (we ended up with an adhd diagnosis but this was along the way) would show anger with me and dh and not his bio-dad because he knew we would be there and that we would love him no matter what . He didn't have that same confidence in his relationship with his dad.

Maybe they really do feel like you will always be there for them no matter what and so its safe to lash out when they are feeling frustrated over their mother's illness or with the way their mother does things.

Don't break that trust for them (especially if they really cannot trust their bio-mom to be there for them) by being vindictive about the things you provide for them.

 

[jenrose66]

So my stepson 15 blows up today saying something is wrong with his mom's heart and she is having tests done. I think she has been telling him stuff related to this on the phone and playing on his sympathies. Background, he has not seen her in about a year, she doesn't ask for them. She didn't even send a birthday card or the Xmas money she told the boys they would get! This type of behavior has been going on for years, they have been with us for the past 11yrs.
I told him if she wasn't in the hospital then it shouldn't be too serious as I'm having tests for a heart problem also.(and then the oldest stepson says" well I think she tops you") That just made him more angry. I'm frustrated because she shouldn't be burdening him with this and honestly I think she is looking for a way to get on disability.(last month it was stomach problems...)Right now the state has a warrant out for her arrest due to non payment of child support. I am the only one working here as my DH was laid off last May not to mention he has had his 5th back surgery 2 wks ago.
Guess I'm just venting because I'm basically worthless to these kids but everything they've ever gotten(in the past 11yrs) has been because of me.
Anybody else get this grief? I honestly don't feel like talking to either of them and to heck with getting them stuff unless it's mandatory for school!

They are kids and they love their mom. That's life. It's too bad their mom doesn't seem like she's the best mom she could be but it's the only mom they have. I know you are the stepmom and you do their "mothering" but you're still not mom.

My dad left my mom for another woman when I was 6. I spent alot of time with her growing up though I lived with my mom. She always gave my half sisters preferential treatment. Once I turned 18 my stepmom wanted nothing to do with me or my brother. She was never mean to us, we're just an inconvenience...it's hard to have two families I guess. I can count on two hands the number of times my dad has seen his grandkids in the last 3 and a half years and that's just sad.

Children are children and it sound like you resent your step kids which is too bad. It's not their fault that their dad isn't working and you're supporting everyone. You shouldn't have married a man with kids if you didn't want the baggage.

 

[Ronda93]

I agree with luvJack's comment that kids lash out at those they trust. They are learning to navigate relationships every day and this is just testing.

It's futile for parents to expect validation from their teens. It will only lead to disappoinment. Avoid all temptation to talk about their mother. Instead talk about them. How it affects them. "How does that make you feel" It may sound hokey, but they don't want to talk about her. They want to talk about themselves. She is the biggest thing in their lives that needs to be figured out.

Get your DH on board with basic respect requirements. Don't take the bait to criticize the bio-mom.

Get snow shovels for everyone!

Ronda

 

[sunshine1178]

Yeah, I'm worthless to my dsd, too. Handy to have around when she needs money or a ride, but otherwise, of no use. She's been in counseling almost a year, but she still has the "you're not my parent" outbursts. What's worse is that now she's got the 4 year old acting like her.

It doesn't seem worth it, does it? Sorry that so many of us are in this boat, but OP, know that you're definitely not alone.

 

[grumpeeduck]

Well, you signed on to be a step-mom, so............

Just some observations:

Your first post sounds bitter towards the kids.
You should involve your dh in ALL areas.
NEVER speak ill of bio-mom.
Don't compare yourself to her.
It's NEVER the kids fault that this is going poorly-they are the products of a broken home and it will affect them always.......................