Anyone with an almost adult Aspie DD?

[Dancind]

Looking around the internet, this seems to be the most active board for Asperger's. There's real support and great information here. I hope someone can steer me in the right direction. I've ordered the Tony Attwood book already! And you know, it might help me too.

I've always suspected Asperger's with my DD, my only. I asked her Gifted teacher about it in 4th grade when we were talking about her differences, and that teacher was sure she wasn't so I never followed up. DD was diagnosed with ADD at age 7, and finally with CAPD at age 11, but I never had her evaluated for autism. No doubt she is high functioning, but I see her in so many of the stories on this board. She didn't talk when she was little, she had clothing issues, sleeping issues, potty training issues, food issues, rule police, literal (though she gets humor now and is witty), so many more. We even discovered the "Disney cure", and have made over 20 trips to see the Mouse since she was 8! Yes, it really worked to bring her out of her shell and got her talking, and really helped with her fear of new things and new places. And the Disney Cruise got her over her fear of new foods, now she is a foodie.

Anyway, she is 17 now, and I really thought she had outgrown most of her issues. She can carry on conversations, and seems to do well at her job (barista), but still has no real female friends except a cousin. She's friends with guys, mostly, and I notice she doesn't really try to talk to other girls. She's very pretty and has had a couple of boyfriends, but these relationships did not end well. I know she really has a tendency to "overshare", and gets serious way too fast. Maybe that isn't so unusual for a girl with no experience in relationships though.

She is at the point where she is separating from me, and doesn't want to hear anything from me. She thinks she will move out this summer after she graduates, but when she gets a little extra cash, she goes shopping. She swears that she plans to continue her education, but has no plan for that at all. I guess I will enroll her at the Community College and see what happens.

So is it too late to get her some help? I think she would be very difficult to diagnose with the coping skills she has developed, and she will only be offended if I bring this up. But I really think she needs help, especially with social skills and relationships, and more coping skills for work and school. When I think of her on her own, I get very panicky.

How do I help her now, when she doesn't want my help at all? She will probably be mad at me if I even leave the book around.

And a last question, does anyone have a kid that reacts strangely to meds? DD had very violent reactions to ritalin and adderall, and eventually to the dexedrine that she seemed to be able to tolerate for years. A doctor once wanted to put her on antidepressants, and I completely refused. That would have been a disaster, I'm sure.

 

[bookwormde]

I have 2 nieces who are aspies (very different from each other). The older one (23) is a “stray collector” (including boyfriends), always loved animals and is now going to school to be a vet technician. The younger one is in college (commuting). She never had a lot of friends beyond her sisters friends and has had 1 or 2 short term boyfriends. It is very common for aspies not to become involved in serious relationships until much later (often in their 30s). Our honesty does tend to be off-putting to many neurotypicals but that is just what way we are. The good news is that if she is self aware, and her boyfriend is educated and accepting and appreciates the benefits of an aspie the relationships that do develop tend to be very long term.

It is not at all unusual for aspies to have a negative reaction to ADHD medications since they are contraindicated in many circumstances (they tend to heighten anxiety acutely). It sounds from your brief description that she either has self adapted well or only had a partial loss of innate social skills.

There are a couple of good books now, written for girls (mine is loaned out so I can not give you the title).

It is never to late to get an evaluation, but unless you go to a clinician who is highly trained and experience in girls with Aspergers it is unlikely that you would get a formal diagnosis since she is so well adapted.

bookwormde

 

[Dancind]

Thanks for the reply. I have told several doctors about the med reactions, not one ever brought up Asperger's. Interesting.

I don't know what a diagnosis at this point would gain us, unless there are accommodations in college, which I doubt. I think it would be good for her to know, so she can research and read and maybe learn some new skills. Like the most important one to her right now, dealing with boys!

A good therapist might help, one that is familiar with it as you say. First she would have to want to get help. We will see what develops, I guess.

Oh, and reading around, I saw "NT" quite a bit. I guess that means neurotypicals?

 

[mechurchlady]

My mother is 83 an dI am 51 and both undiagnosed for anything. Mom is very close to spectrum and I have SID sensory issues. For me the knowing why I am the way I am helps me to better retrain myself and improve my life. I am no longer the rules police and a stalker but a person born with a miswired brain.

Knowing is very important so that the person can know why they act the way they do and adjust their life. She may not even be ADD but be responding to her brain wiring. As people age the adapt to their limitations like the person who cannot taste food pretends to like the food. Society has its rules and quirks and for any person if you do not fit then you are an outcast or you learn to fit in. Getting a true diagnosis is very important.

Right on what NT means. Bookworm is an expert in aspergers and I always take his advice. As a kid I preferred the boys as they were not like girls in their thinking and ways, more comfortable. As for this group and aspergers and autism, they are a great bunch of people who accepted me even though I have been banned on so many sites because of my quirks. There is no fighting as this board is well managed. It is hard for me because me and mom are not diagnosed with anything. I read about a kid here and omg that is my mom to a tee. In today's world she would have started young with therapy and training and gone far in her life but she was slapped around for her stubbornness and inabilities. What if bug again rears its head. I look at her and then I get out and fight to get kids properly diagnosed and educated and not just aspergers but all disorders and illnesses. I know what happens when kids slip through the cracks and when schools fail kids.

hugs and chocolates
Laurie

 

[blondietink]

As far as any accommodations at a college, you must understand that it will not be the same as in high school. First you need a documented disability. Then your child, not mom or dad, must go to the appropriate department at the college and ask for accommodations. What is asked for is not necessarily granted. Some colleges are better at accommodations than others. It would be a good idea to research what colleges in your area are better in this area.

 

[DisDreaminMom]

When my son was first diagnosed, my first thought was, "What about when he's older?" I did some research on the internet and saw some really cool websites and chat rooms for teens with Aspergers. It's almost like these kids, while considered strange in lower school, get a certain satisfaction by being "special" as they get older. And honestly, the best part-and one that must be emphasized to your DD- Apsergers kids ARE special and life for them should only get better as a college kid/adult.

Think about it- college is an Aspie dream. Take the courses you want to, build your own degree, be one in 2,000 (or 20,000) as opposed to being one in 200 in high school. You can get as detailed as you want, as specialized as you want, or not ever step foot in a class that you find boring. And the best thing is, if you think something is really interesting, then you can spend a bunch more years studying it and then spend the rest of your life teaching other people how exciting it is!

And as for being an Apsie adult, here are the options:

1). Don't get her diagnosed, let her flounder a while, spend a ton of money on college, most likely have a doctor give her antidepressants without your knowledge, she meets a boy that "fills the void", he gets to be a controlling jerk with a damaged, helpless girlfriend/wife, you spend your life taking care of DD and her kids, etc. etc.

2). You convince DD that there are people out there who are just like her and take them to meet a few (I'm sure you can find a few in your area), you take her to a University for diagnosis (and they do such good interviews and do take into account past history and parent interviews), you then ask them for more information on schools that have open Aspie programs (more schools do than you think). Your DD goes to school, learns to speak up for herself, you let any possible serious suitors know that you mean business and you aim to protect your DD, she gets a great education, meets some wonderful, possibly also Aspie (or on spectrum) man that loves all her quirks, and you live a great life with wonderful people, everyone holds hands and skips down the lane, etc., etc.

I'm just saying- it's all in how you approach this with DD. You can let her know that she's very special and maybe help her get through the reasons why she might have felt "different" her whole life (try having to think you are ADD, only to go on drugs that make you nuts, only to be told you might in fact BE nuts, and then put yourself in DD's shoes). She wants to go away from where she is because it is so very uncomfortable in THIS place. Give her a positive place to go and let her know she's going to have a wonderful life and you will help her but that she is in control and she can help herself.

I know this is a long post, but the other day I was at the bookstore looking for books about Paris for my DS, and the 40-ish man helping me was obviously an Aspie. After a somewhat tense interaction, I explained to him why I needed a certain kind of Paris book (one with photos, no drawings) for my son, and he looked at me and said, "I wish my mom had been like you and understood me a little more, because I bet my life would have been much different. Your son is so lucky".

Also, my sister is a family law attorney, and she has a client with a teenage girl that is also an obvious Aspie, and the father is so abusive to the girl because of her behavior. He can't understand why she can't be "normal" and the girl is now suicidal. The parents refuse to admit she might need help.

My sister said to me, "The whole family judged you for 'buying into' the Autism fad, but after spending time with (my DS), and seeing this teenager, I am so thankful you took the time and energy to make sure he gets the help he needs. God forbid he turns out like this poor girl".

It will all be fine. Just make your mind up to be positive, and let it go from there.

 

[Dancind]

My mother is 83 an dI am 51 and both undiagnosed for anything. Mom is very close to spectrum and I have SID sensory issues. For me the knowing why I am the way I am helps me to better retrain myself and improve my life. I am no longer the rules police and a stalker but a person born with a miswired brain.

Knowing is very important so that the person can know why they act the way they do and adjust their life. She may not even be ADD but be responding to her brain wiring. As people age the adapt to their limitations like the person who cannot taste food pretends to like the food. Society has its rules and quirks and for any person if you do not fit then you are an outcast or you learn to fit in. Getting a true diagnosis is very important.

Right on what NT means. Bookworm is an expert in aspergers and I always take his advice. As a kid I preferred the boys as they were not like girls in their thinking and ways, more comfortable. As for this group and aspergers and autism, they are a great bunch of people who accepted me even though I have been banned on so many sites because of my quirks. There is no fighting as this board is well managed. It is hard for me because me and mom are not diagnosed with anything. I read about a kid here and omg that is my mom to a tee. In today's world she would have started young with therapy and training and gone far in her life but she was slapped around for her stubbornness and inabilities. What if bug again rears its head. I look at her and then I get out and fight to get kids properly diagnosed and educated and not just aspergers but all disorders and illnesses. I know what happens when kids slip through the cracks and when schools fail kids.

hugs and chocolates
Laurie

Laurie, your Mom and my Dad. I can forgive my Dad for a lot of his quirks and bad parenting now that I realize what the deal is. He's been very lucky though, first my Mom and now he has a lady friend that were "NT" and socially skilled, and willing to take care of him. Don't know what will happen if the current lady decides he's too much for her, I guess I will get him.

 

[Dancind]

You convince DD that there are people out there who are just like her and take them to meet a few (I'm sure you can find a few in your area), you take her to a University for diagnosis (and they do such good interviews and do take into account past history and parent interviews), you then ask them for more information on schools that have open Aspie programs (more schools do than you think). Your DD goes to school, learns to speak up for herself, you let any possible serious suitors know that you mean business and you aim to protect your DD, she gets a great education, meets some wonderful, possibly also Aspie (or on spectrum) man that loves all her quirks, and you live a great life with wonderful people, everyone holds hands and skips down the lane, etc., etc.

Thanks for this very thoughtful post. I need to sit down and talk with her, and I really need to think about what I'm going to say. I have always told her that her brain is very special, that she has talents and gifts that most people don't have. I hope she will treat all of this with a sense of relief, as a way to understand herself. I don't know that it will be easy to find someone a lot like her, though. She was a classic Aspie as a child, but I had really been thinking for a while that she is "over it". We tried a lot of things, maybe the Norwegian Salmon Oil really helped! Who knows. But recently I've come to realize that she's really not over it. The stresses of graduating, thinking about her future, and a really bad breakup have really thrown her.

She doesn't have a lot of the profile behaviors, no problems with requiring routines, no rocking, I think she even does OK with eye contact with people she knows. She's having some trouble at work, most of her co-workers including all of the supervisors are female. She hasn't had a real focus on anything lately either, except boys. Boys day and night, it's like she's 12 or 13 and just discovered them. I suppose that's part of it too.

 

[DisDreaminMom]

Here's the thing about Aspies. They don't rock. They might self "stim', but usually grow out of or find ways to hide it as adults (I pinch my finger pads on one hand- I have hell of a fingerprint!)They mostly DO make eye contact. We are not talking true autism here. Take that idea out of your mind. Can't remember if I told you to read Tony Attwood, but we all recommend his books. And the boy focus thing is normal. Aspies have a tendency to focus on one specific thing until it overshadows their whole life. You need to help her find a new fixation or the boy thing will lead to trouble. What about horses or a job at the Zoo? Sometimes it's the physical contact they crave. OK, most of the time, by this age, it's the physical, if you get my drift. But I'm just saying...

Anyway, it's also very normal for Aspies to have difficulty dealing with NT females. Most prefer males anyway (I think it has to do with how men talk and socialize-it's much less "deep" and waaayyy quieter). All the Aspie adults I have known (my Aunt is one, Grandmother most definitely, I think my mother falls on the tail end of the spectrum, and most likely I do, too if I'm honest with myself) had a very difficult time dealing with women. You need to help her deal with this by talking about how "normal" women think. Get her some trashy Cosmo magazines and have a talk about why she is not "that" kind of girl. Tell her it's popular to seem like that kind of person at her age, but that successful adult women generally do not behave like that and there is no reason for her to fall into that trap. it's all marketing.

Make an effort to get her some of the more popular girl things so she has a point of commonality with people at work. (Books, movies, etc) She just can't relate and honestly, most women seem kind of vapid and silly to me, too (not you guys-life has made you see the world a little differently).

My advice to you is to try to find her something she can do that is more "male" oriented (biking, rock climbing, motocross, large animals care, working the stock room instead of cashiering, mailroom at law office, etc). It might be less pressure and help her understand that being around men working and playing does not mean having to be romantically interested in them to get and keep their attention. She wants a reason to talk to guys and have friends that she can deal with. Most likely she does not want to be a teenage mother. Have this talk now. Don't wait until it's too late.

Like I say- help her find something to fill the "void" so she doesn't have to make bad choices. 'Cause nature abhors a vacuum.

How about a vacation weekend together where you agree ahead of time to talk (a condition of trip) and work some things out. A journey of personal discovery, as such. I wish my mother had been able to do this for me...

 

[Dancind]

DisDreaminMom, thank you for taking the time to post such positive thoughts. If you wouldn't mind, I'd love a PM about the teen discussion boards you found. I did find WrongPlanet.net, though it seems a bit rough! Aspies tell it like it is, I guess.

I did read that men tend to say what they mean and are more straightforward about it, and that's probably what she likes. She is in two minorities: a female aspie, and an aspie that is a talented dancer. No wonder she has had such a terrible time at her dance studios and on teams. None of the other girls were like her at all, and she has been a complete outcast. She does better when there are guys on the team, then she has friends.

After reading many, many reviews on Amazon, I ordered two books. One is Attwood's Complete Guide, and the other is called "Preparing for Life" by Jed Baker. They both seem like they will be very helpful, and I had no luck finding anything locally. I did find one book at the library, and my gosh it described her childhood, including all the bullying, but won't help her much. Interestingly, the woman talked about a supplementation plan that is the same one we have arrived at. B Vitamins (though lots more B6), Calcium with Magnesium, and Omega-3s. They recommended lecithin, but fish oil must work too.

We did have "the conversation" the other day, and though she has been moody since, I think she is actually relieved. It feels good to know there is a reason, I think. Still not much talking, but I did ask if she wanted to read a book if I get one, and she said YES. So maybe there will be more talking after that. Maybe I can point out that her hyperfocus on boys isn't really healthy in relation to being an Aspie, and not just in general!

Your suggestions are all really good, but she can't work another thing into her life right now. She has school, community dance team, repertory dance group at school, theater at school, and her job at Starbucks. You would think she would be too busy for boys, but no!

She will be 18 in less than 3 months. So it isn't a matter of me helping her anymore, it's more trying to help her make good choices for herself, without it being obvious that I'm helping. You know? Well, you will find out in a couple of years. Though boys are easier for Moms, no doubt.

 

[DisDreaminMom]

Sorry, for not posting, we've been moving and I finally got computer hooked up. Anyway, having been a dancer earlier in life, I can say a few things. First, theater and dance are great places for ASD people to be. Why? Well, how many truly off the wall dancers have you met? A ton. The better question is, how good is she? Is this something she can do professionally? Maybe get into theater or dance program in college? Or is this the end of the road talent wise? Because if it is- then you need to have a new talk with DD. What are you going to focus on now that the music is over? Could this be part of her fear and anxiety? Because being locally good and making a career out of it are two totally different beasts. it's enough to scare the heck out of anyone.


And, no, with all that, she can't fit more in activity wise. Another thing- if she's really great, then all the girls are mean anyway. It wouldn't matter if she had the interpersonal skills of a sorority girl. Boys can be a welcome escape from all that pressure.

I'm just saying the problem with boys may not be what you think it is. Almost 18 is such a scary time. It's like walking the plank over a pit of sharks.