Anyone with 15 year olds....

[loisg1]

or older. DD and her BF have been "going out" since October. In our area, this does not necessarily mean going places but talking on the phone, him coming here, and her going to his house. When she was at his house, his parents were home but DD and BF were upstairs in his room with the door open. However, I have now come to know that there is a door at the bottom of the staircase in their home. Also, his parents work weekends, etc., Yes, I had a problem with a lack of supervision and since then, we have welcomed him warmly into our home, included him when we've gone out to dinner, etc. On Thursday they had mid-terms and DD called to say that they were walking to his house and were going to study there, his mom was home and it was OK with her. I said no, I would prefer if they came here and she said they'd be at his house in about 5 minutes. His mom had not spoken to them. She also wants to go walking around town when they get out of school early which I'm not encouraging. DH and I are on the same page in these matters.

I'd appreciate any experiences you've had with your teens as she claims all of her friends are going places except her. Thanks!

 

[Serena]

Oh no, this sounds like me a few years ago. I should have put my foot down and kept it there. Only every time I did so they would make me feel guilty, for not trusting them. And oh they were good. He would be hurt and insulted that I wouldn't trust him. She would be hurt, insulted and furious that I would even think such a thing about her.
Oh they were good. They were also having sex behind my back and any time they had a minute alone. Especially at either of his parents homes. Supposedly they were supervised. Yeah right!

I'm not saying your daughter is doing this, but this is what was going on at my house.

 

[Cruisin]

I have a daughter who is soon to be 17.

I did allow my daughter to walk around with a boy at age 15, which she did frequently. By this age you have taught your daughter what you expect from her and her values are pretty well set.

I am not saying it was easy to allow her to do this but I told myself that I had to learn to trust her and her judgement. I know what her feelings are on subjects such as drinking, smoking, pre-marital sex etc.

I also encouraged them to spend as much time at our house as possible. I make it a habit to include girl/boy friends in as much of our family life as possible.

This is only the way we did it in our family. Every family has their own values and beliefs on this subject. You have to do what is right for you. Although it does sound as if you have already made your decision on this particular subject.

I truly believe that................If there is a will there will always be a way..............no matter how hard you try to keep kids from something, if they are really set on doing it they will find a way.

 

[loisg1]

DD assures me that she would never have sex and also no pressure from her BF. She's adopted and that's what she throws in our faces..." I would never be STUPID like my birthmom". We do not want her to feel that her b-mom is stupid, of course. My sister has told me that someone she knows from the local police dept. who has told her that it's always a headache for them when the kids get out early and start cruising around. Again, I've stressed to DD that her friends are always welcomed here. We have a FR, DR, LR, and eat-in kitchen area downstairs so they would have a certain amount of privacy to listen to music or watch movies. She's a good kid and I just don't want her growing up too fast! Also, the fact that she lied to me on Thursday about talking to BFs mom....

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>I just ran into this type of situation....

My ds is 16, and his girlfriend is 15 - almost 16.

She lied to her parents about going out with him - she's not even supposed to date - and he had been to her house a few times, and she had been going to church with us, and out with us a couple of times, although she wasn't allowed to come to our house. When her parents found out, they wanted to talk to me, and it was a big deal at their house. My son apologized to them for their worry, and both kids got a big talking to from her father. That was a little over a month ago, and she hasn't been allowed to go out w/my ds - and her phone, computer access were taken away. My son told me last night that her mother MIGHT let him go over to their house today. I just told him not to betray their trust with their daughter (and of course, my trust in him).

My daughter is 15, and I told her not to even think about going out with anyone right now. I know she likes a boy, but I know that at this age a lot of kids have all these feelings and raging hormones, and I'm not going to do anything to encourage that. At the same time I'm pretty sympathetic to her feelings, and I haven't beat the kids up over their behavior ... yet.

Good luck with your dd. I'm the one who gives my two rides places, and when I do allow my dd to see someone (someday), he'll be coming here, and she won't be going to his house.

 

[Blueeyes101817]

i was 15ish when i started going out with my boyfriend for 3 years....we went out, but usually we would just watch movies at one of our houses....We would be in my room, with teh door open..or his room..
my mom pretty much sat me down and told me what she expected..the funny thing was..my boyfriend was there too..so we both knew...

 

[Snowysmom]

My DS had a girlfriend at 15 and they mostly stayed at one house or the other. We knew her mother was keeping an eye on them and she knew we did too. They watched movies, did homework, or watched TV. They had a certain amount of privacy but knew that we were nearby. They did go to movies but usually with a group of friends. I would never have allowed DS to go to his girlfriend's house if her mother was not home. and she felt the same way. A couple of times they went out to dinner alone but we dropped them off and picked them up. Now he is 18 and has a different girlfriend and interestingly still do the same things-hang out at one house or the other watching movies or doing homework. When he is away at school I have no control over what is going on but I do trust both of them.

 

[grinningghost]

My DD will be 15 in 2 months. She had a BF over the winter and I would only allow them to go to public places like the mall or the movies, usually in a group. If she went to his house, I made sure the parents were home, and I also made it a point to meet them. I think it made me feel better, and them too.

But, I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel better now that the "relationship" is over.

 

[Evil Princess]

I was 15 when I started dating my boyfriend of three years. I don't see what the big deal is, both of our parents would drive us to the movies, to Jillians, to the mall, to amusement parks, to play mini golf...we always went on dates. Sure, it was a bit silly because our parents would have to drive us, but it was no different than if our parents drove my friends and I to play mini golf. In fact, I got to know his family so well this way, because they were always driving us around.

My parents NEVER had a problem with this. He was allowed at my house, not in my room, but in the basement (finished with a couch, tv, video games, ping pong table, etc) with the door open. He ate dinner over, and vice versa. At his house we were allowed in his room with the door opened. I never went over there when his parents weren't home.

I really don't think that it's natural to tell a 15 year old not to even think about dating a boy. They aren't exactly little girls anymore, and the more parents tell a teenager NOT to do something, the more desireable it becomes.

Personally, I would hardly even kiss my boyfriend at the time in my house, I thought it was disrespectful. If your kids want to have sex, they're going to find a way to do it, whether you know about it or not. I know that sounds terrible, and it's not all kids, but if they want to that badly they can find a way.

I'm sorry if this sounds a little rough, but I think it's a bit weird to completely discourage a 15 year old from thinking about dating a boy, or to forbid her for EVER going to his house. In my experience here at college, it's the girls who never had boyfriends, the girls who had strict parents who never experiemented (and i just mean dating people or going out to parties, not drugs or anything crazy), who go NUTS at college. They sleep around with guys, drink til they have no idea what happened at night, and they have no experience with either of these things, so the outcome is terrible.

Again, I'm not saying all girls who are sheltered are like this, it's just my personal experience with girls at parties and college this past year.

 

[Kirby]

Ever since my son, James, was in the 4th grade, he has had girls chasing after him. He's known all along that he would be able to single date when he turns 16 and group date at 15 1/2. He is now 15 1/2. He has never tried to push us on this issue because he has know for so long what the rules were. We have told him that the older he gets the more freedom he gets. And the one thing that he will never want to do is break our trust. We have always been open and honest with him and expect the same. But we are not naive enough to think that he will tell us everything either.

James has asked girls over from time to time during the last couple of years. He knows the rules, no closed doors, a parent has to be home, etc. He also knows that we expect him to be respectful of his girl friend's house rules too and our rules apply over there.

Our daughter, Carol, is now 13. We are treating her the same. She knows were we stand and knows that she can come to us and talk about anything. And she does so far. I can't put into words what she asked me about the other day because the sensors would delete it but it would have been nicer if I hadn't of been driving.

I, too, would be worried. Maybe you should sit down and talk with her about your concerns, especially the trust issue and not being totally honest with you. I've found that driving to and from school has been a very good time to talk with my kids. But of course not every one has that opportunity. At this point, maybe making compromises with her would work better.

As far as everyone else is doing something but me, that's an old story that every kid no matter the age hits their parents up with at least once.

 

[A Mickeyfan]

Originally posted by Cruisin'Kroezes
I have a daughter who is soon to be 17.

I did allow my daughter to walk around with a boy at age 15, which she did frequently. By this age you have taught your daughter what you expect from her and her values are pretty well set.

I am not saying it was easy to allow her to do this but I told myself that I had to learn to trust her and her judgement. I know what her feelings are on subjects such as drinking, smoking, pre-marital sex etc.

I also encouraged them to spend as much time at our house as possible. I make it a habit to include girl/boy friends in as much of our family life as possible.

This is only the way we did it in our family. Every family has their own values and beliefs on this subject. You have to do what is right for you. Although it does sound as if you have already made your decision on this particular subject.

I truly believe that................If there is a will there will always be a way..............no matter how hard you try to keep kids from something, if they are really set on doing it they will find a way.

I have to ditto what you are saying.... I have a 17 son, 15 daughter and an 11 daughter... Right now my 17 & 15 are both at the Prom...my son is a senior and has been dating the same girl for 2 years, daughter is a sophmore going with a friend whose family I have known for years. I am not worried about them having sex with their dates tonight... I am worried about the all the drunk drivers that will be out on the road tonight.... every year around prom & graduation, you always hear about a deadly accident from drinking.....

 

[Tiggeroo]

I know how you feel. I remember when my son turned 15 he had a girlfriend who seemed serious. We had similar rules, our house or hers with parents around. I felt that at her place things weren't as well supervised as I would like. I didn't tell her he couldn't go there, that would never work. I just tried to limit his time there. It didn't last long. He's had many girlfriends since then and I've relaxed alot. Unfortunately he has also gotten much more close mouthed about his gf's. I don't hear about one until they've been an item for awhile. This bothers me more then when I knew and worried. It's hard to set limits when you don't know you need to. But he will be 17 soon and I have to feel I've raised him well. And I try to limit his unsupervised free time and check to make sure parents are at the houses he is at. While I know sex is a problem I worry much more about drinking and driving. There have also been several kids in his school hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.