Anyone move out of state away from family and regret it?

[ImarriedGrumpy]

I met my DH online when I was living in WI - just 2 hours from all of my family members. I grew up in MN, and the majority of my family still lives in the Twin Cities. DH has lived in San Jose, CA since he was 3, and he was not at all interested in moving, but was willing to discuss it. In the end, I decided to move out to CA because of DH's job (which pays way better than any job I had) and because DH already owned a house (I was renting).

I do sometimes feel left out of family events, but I try to get back a couple times a year to see them. I wish they would travel out to see me more often, but MN to CA is too far to drive and plane tickets are expensive.

Still, I'm glad I moved. I enjoy getting to know a new part of the country, and I feel like the benefits far outweigh the challenges. DH's family all lives in the area, and while we do see them often, sometimes it still is a challenge finding time to get together even living within minutes of each other, especially as kids schedules get busier.

I'm still closer to one of my nieces who lives back in the midwest than I am to the nieces and nephews here in CA - in part because we had the relationship already, and in part because her mother and I have made an effort to keep up the relationship with phone calls, letters, sending recordings of reading books back and forth, emails, etc.

If you do move, be prepared for a season of "culture shock". I went through phases of first being enthralled with my new state, then realizing the flaws and feeling like "everything is different and you all do everything the wrong way", then wanting to go "home" to the Midwest, and then finally comming around again and being invested in my community and loving it here. It took time, though, and there were many times when I said to DH "I can't believe I left everything I care about to move out to this wretched weirdo place!" but now I really do love it here, and it would be hard to move back.
Good luck in your decision making time!

 

[mickeysgal]

I have a friend who moved to New Hampshire, and did OK for a while, but then it seems like the difficulty of having no close family support around them really unravelled their marriage. It's one thing to say "You'll make new friends" but when you have small kids nad you are in a new area, and you & DH need to go to a work function and you have no one you trust to watch your kids because there is no "family" nearby and you don't know any of your new friends or neighbors well enough to entrust your children to their care, what do you do?

Having close family support does not determine whether your marriage is going to unravel due to a move. Yes, you will miss your family. There will be times when you are homesick. But if your marriage is strong to begin with and you stick together, you will thrive.

How do you meet people (non-family) in a new town? You volunteer at school (if you have school-aged kids), you meet moms at pre-school, you meet folks through church, you meet people through your husband's work, you meet your neighbors, you join a civic group, an exercise class, a book club at the library, etc. etc. It can be done. You would do it the same way you'd do it if your family lived in the next town. You still need a network of friends in whatever town you live in regardless of where your family is located. Its not going to happen overnight, but it will happen. You will find a handful of people that you will learn to trust. It just depends on your attitude toward the move. Sometimes one spouse agrees to move but their heart just isn't in it. Thats when its doomed to fail before it even starts. Moving to another town/state does not mean you live in isolation. In fact, it has made us step up out of our "comfort zone" and forced us to be more open to new friendships. This has been so good for us since we, in the past, haven't explored such a variety of friendships because our family was so "convenient". I think its good for kids to see other places, have other experiences, and in many parts of the country, experience a different culture that they aren't used to. It makes you and them stronger individuals.

 

[Jpgirl]

We moved from Ohio to Texas almost 4 years ago to the dismay of our families. Thankfully most of them kept their mouths shut and understood we had to move. We did have some people tell us we'd hate it and be back. We couldn't be happier and I have nightmares about us having to move back to Ohio. I think you and your dh's attitude will have a lot to do with how much you like/dislike the move and how much your relatives open their mouths. I remained extrememly open minded and read as much as I could about our new state. I became Pollyanna about it always looking at the positive and discounting the negative and before long I was totally in love with Texas. Be firm with your families and try to think of this as an adventure. You can always visit your families. Good luck I think you'll love Colorado-it's a beautiful state.

 

[BrinxFam]

When DH and I were first married we moved away due to his being in the Air Force. It was great for us because we learned to rely on each other and didn't have family causing strains on our new marriage. We moved "home" a few years later, moved away again and finally back home again. We have been here for about 8 years this time and while I like being around to help my family when I'm needed and vice versa DH and I always say "If we had known then what we know now think of where we might be!" I wish we had been able to make a happy life away from "home", build a "new home" if you will but we couldn't. We might consider a move in the future when the girls are on their own and there's not as much to keep us here but who knows.

 

[Andrea]

well my inlaws up and moved from georgia to montana, and about 2 years later we ended up following them ( we have no kids) we all lived out there for 4 more years ( 4 years for us and 6 for them) well my sister in law got pregenet and had a baby and before the baby was 1 year old the family sold their house ( that was paid for) and moved back to georgia, but they wouldnt move unless we moved back, and we werent going to move back. then we decided they were moving in december we would stay until april and then move, but we thought it over and moved the same time they did. now we live about1 hr 30 min from them

 

[goofy!]

.....

 

[RadioNate]

Never regretted it for one second. We are in TX my parents are in Chicago and my inlaws in Oregon. Both my parents also have 'winter homes' in Florida.

You're family is fighting with you about moving away? Major fights, not just that they are going to miss you?

I don't find it that hard to stay connected. We call, email, IM, webcam. My parents come 3-4 times a year. My aunt/uncle and cousins come once every few years. I visit 'home' when I can.

DH's family is a different story as we weren't close when we lived in the same town.

With the effort it can be fine.

I do recommend extending yourself. Get out there and make friends. Get sitter references from coworkers asap.

I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't imagine living near my family!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We moved from Missouri to Texas in April, coming up on a year now...
Wake up with a smile everyday.
I love my family but I wanted to get out and be on my own. They are too dependent on me and I am tired. They never said an unkind word, except at Christmas when we went up there and my sister & mother said..."see what you are missing." Now I didn't say anything...but it did hurt me. I had lived there for 15 years and that was a load of baloney. I am not missing anything, to be honest. I am doing other stuff.

Family that "blackmails" you and says harmful things to you, is a family to move away from.
A person that does that is not loving but harmful.

Don't confuse the two. Love is the action of hugging, finding ways to stay connected, planning trips, chattting, making memories, etc....(you get the picture).
These will be the same people that order the family around and pout when the holidays come because they "want blah, to do blah, on THIS DATE!"

Any of this ring a bell?

 

[mickeysgal]

If the parents make the effort to stay connected, the number of miles (or an ocean) between houses doesn't really matter. And in today's age with VOIP, video streaming, websites, etc, families have even better opportunities to stay connected.

I remember about 20 odd years ago my aunt moved three states away. We thought she was moving off the map into oblivian. Although long distance phone service was available, it was sketchy and expensive. Now, with us halfway across the country, it really feels like everyone is still there. We have a phone package that includes long distance and we call them as much, if not more often, as I did when I lived close by. Its hard to explain but we truly feel very connected and not all that far apart. The beauty of it all is that when I hear about those family squabbles that have started up at home between other family members, I am thankful I live where I do and that I can simply hang up the phone! When you live a good distance away, you just don't get dragged into those family arguments/opinions anymore. As Martha would say, "this is a good thing".

 

[mickeysgal]

You're family is fighting with you about moving away? Major fights, not just that they are going to miss you?

You could always throw it back on them and ask them to move with you.

They shouldn't guilt you into staying - thats very selfish. And yes, you'll find that you will have those family members that at the first blip in the road, they'll be the first to say " I told you it wouldn't work" These are the people you'd give up this chance for? They should be 100% supportive. This is your life, your financial future, and your DH's career. I doubt they would take kindly to someone having a "major fight" with them on how to run their life. They should try to understand that great jobs are hard to come by and sometimes you have to go where the job is. Do they realize how tough the job market is? Would they financially support you if you turn down the transfer and his job here fizzles out (heaven forbid)? I wonder how long that would last. This decision has to be yours and DH's alone. Not theirs. Would you want your children to follow their hearts, careers, and dreams, or would you want to control their life for them as adults? I think most of us would want our children to flourish and try life on for size.

 

[anewvance]

I could have written your post exactly. And we went to Colorado too, from Florida though. My dh and I had just gotten married, we moved to Colorado 4 days after we got home from our honeymoon. His family lives there and he got a great job. After we were married 4 months I got pregnant. My entire family is here and we are very very close. Needless to say we moved back here to Florida exactly 1 year after we moved to Colorado.

 

[mookie]

You're family is fighting with you about moving away? Major fights, not just that they are going to miss you?

It's not exactly MY family. While my family is close, we have always been travelers, so that makes it easy. Getting my parents to come visit might actually be TOO EASY!!!

It's DH parents that are the problem. DH's mom in particular. In fact, whenever we mention the possiblity of moving to anyone, their first reaction is "DH mom is going to FREAK!" She is one of those mom's who still lives only for her kids and grandkids, and would rather have them down the block than even in the next town. We've gotten her over the first part - we moved from her suburb to one about 40 miles away!!

But even that was hard. When we tried to keep in touch, all she would do was act depressed. It got pretty old and annoying. We had a few blowouts about the fact that you can't keep your kids close forever, and that seemed to do the trick. (She's also the type that is VERY jealous of the in-laws time!) She spoils our dd rotten (not always something we are pleased about!) and will do anything for us.

So, I guess that means we have our own issues to deal with her. She's just one of the "different" personalities that love their kids so much she's not willing to let them go. It will take some adjustment, but I guess I just wanted to see if everyone else thought it was worth the trouble and stress. I know I'm really the only one that can answer that personally, I just wanted to hear other experiences.

All of you make some great points for either side. I think we are still on the fence, but leaning towards the move. Now I just need to figure out how to make it as pain free as possible!!

(Step One: Give MIL a sedative and a stiff drink before we tell her. )

 

[ACvmk]

It's DH parents that are the problem. DH's mom in particular. In fact, whenever we mention the possiblity of moving to anyone, their first reaction is "DH mom is going to FREAK!" She is one of those mom's who still lives only for her kids and grandkids, and would rather have them down the block than even in the next town. We've gotten her over the first part - we moved from her suburb to one about 40 miles away!!

But even that was hard. When we tried to keep in touch, all she would do was act depressed. It got pretty old and annoying. We had a few blowouts about the fact that you can't keep your kids close forever, and that seemed to do the trick. (She's also the type that is VERY jealous of the in-laws time!) She spoils our dd rotten (not always something we are pleased about!) and will do anything for us.

So, I guess that means we have our own issues to deal with her. She's just one of the "different" personalities that love their kids so much she's not willing to let them go. It will take some adjustment, but I guess I just wanted to see if everyone else thought it was worth the trouble and stress. I know I'm really the only one that can answer that personally, I just wanted to hear other experiences.

(Step One: Give MIL a sedative and a stiff drink before we tell her. )

You do have your hands full! Well, the good news is that this is your DH's family and your DH seems to be fine with the thought of moving. Maybe this is one of those cases where distance would be a very good thing. Nothing is going to please your MIL short of living with her, so no matter what you do, you're not going to win. A current distance of 40 miles and she's upset with that to the point you've had blowout arguments over it? I'm trying not to be insensitive here, but you can't cater and live your life to her rules because she has this insecurity.

Go ahead and check out the area(s) in Colorado that you're interested in. Its a beautiful state. Take it in baby steps - one at a time. Good luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She's just one of the "different" personalities that love their kids so much she's not willing to let them go. (Step One: Give MIL a sedative and a stiff drink before we tell her. )

Gee, really hard to move away from THAT!!!
What a sad woman. She is so insecure she bullies people.

BTW...I am jealous...I have never been to CO and would like to live there for a spell, myself!!
Happy mountain watching.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

We moved away from our families when we were first married 23 years ago. We moved from the west coast to go to Wisconsin for grad school, then Virginia, Texas, and then Maryland for jobs. It seemed like a good idea at the time--we didn't have kids until we got to Texas and before having kids we liked moving every couple of years. We figured that we could always fly to see our families.

However, the reality for us is that it's hard to get to see our families on a regular basis. It's expensive to fly once a person starts buying 4, 5, and in our case 6 airplane tickets. The worst part is that our parents are aging and we could really be helpful to them if we lived closer, but instead we are across the country from them. I wish that we were a days drive from each of them and cold go for a long weekend. But, we're established here now, the kids are happy in school, and by the time I get one grown I have another one that's at an awkward stage to move (high school).

I do wish that we'd moved back to the west coast instead of moving to Maryland 14 years ago. We did try, but the job he found was here. Of course maybe if we had of held out a little longer we would have found a job out west. Who knows and it's really a moot point now.

We made the decisions that we thought were right, and I suppose I didn't want to consider that our parents would age and that they won't always be here (my dad had died by the time my oldest was an infant).

I don't think that moving a reasonable driving distance is a bad idea, however. It's good to establish yourself as a couple without the constant influence of parents, or at least that was the advice given to me before I got married and it worked for us. Really depends on you and your families.

 

[lbgraves]

I would never let someone else make my family miss out on opportunities just because they were going to be upset with us. They need to let go at some point.

 

[motherof5]

I am worried about regreting moving too. We are very close to moving to North Carolina - which we have been thinking about for a while now. My husband has a 2nd interview at a company next week and they are flying us down for 2 days. I have an appt. with a realtor while down there too.
We are in MA now and pretty much my only family is my parents - so I wouldn't be leaving as much as someone with a bigger family. But what I am worried most about is making close friends down in NC, and hoping I feel like I belong there. It is a very confusing time for me right now. I am so scared of making the wrong decision.
But... we will be able to afford a nice house and provide a better quality of life for our son than we can up here. This is pretty much our main reason for moving.
Good luck with your decision!

Jen

If all you have is your parents, would they move if you wanted them to. Sounds like a good opportunity. I live in MA and have thought about it, but with a large family and many kids my kids ages I haven't been able to make that change. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Meriweather]

zombie thread!!

over 12 years old

 

[neverlandsky]

Darn it got bitten by the zombie.

 

[DizneyMommy]

Dang it! Zombie got me too! Lol