Anyone dealing with someone with BPD?

[beckmrk04]

Even rarer for them to be guided to take self responsibility for change. I think a lot of BPD go undiagnosed and treated (at leas that the patient knows of.)

This is what I have been reading so far in my research, and I know exactly how my mom would react if I suggested what I suspect. It would be MY problem, MY fault, or she would blame someone else. It's never her fault. And granted, my mom has had some bad things happen to her, but it is not an excuse to behave the way she does, and she's SOOO unhappy. And it's like she wants everyone else to be as miserable as she is, and can't be happy even for her own kids.

The last fight we got into was actually a big turning point for me. I was actually able to be cool, calm, and collected (which is so hard), and I told her I'm sorry she was feeling that way, and that I do love her, but I will not tolerate her abusive behavior nor her guilt trips, and that I was in no way responsible for the things that have gone/ are going wrong in her life. I also told her she was an adult and could choose how to behave, and if that's what she chooses, then so be it. I won't tolerate it, nor will I feel guilty about enforcing consequences.

Really, it was like disciplining a 6 year old.

 

[unbroken chain]

Really, it was like disciplining a 6 year old.

Bingo. These folks are in a way "frozen" as adolescents. It's not so much that they actually think they are more important than anyone else, or that they affirmatively think, "Gee, the world must revolve around me, because I'm so wonderful" it's more that they are completely unable to comprehend anything beyond themselves.

Therefore, you do treat them like a 6 year old. Clear boundaries, clear consequences. It's awkward to treat an older relative this way, but they aren't really older emotionally.

I also noticed that so many things that made no sense suddenly fell into place when I realized the fear of abandonment (physically or emotionally) was what drove so much of what they did. Many actions look like manipulation, and it is in a sense, but it's more fear of abandonment and I think, on some level, that they like to create continuous crisis/drama in their lives in order to distract themselves from their internal pain.

Remember also that when they tell you how awful you are, it's the splitting. At any moment, you're either perfect or evil, nothing in between. And the same for them. If they must be perfect and right, and you disagree or won't do what they want, then you are abandoning them and must, therefore, be evil. Black and white, nothing in between.

I heard one interesting thing re treatment: because BPD is considered untreatable, many insurance companies won't pay for treatment once a diagnosis is made. Not sure if this is true, but I remember reading it.

Best wishes to all those with relatives in this situation.