Any other working moms feel like your short-changing your family?

[jamimb]

Just trying to get some perspective here. I have been married almost 16 yrs. For the first 4 yrs. I did not work. (we had children right away). Then I started working part-time at a department store. I worked here (only part time) for 5 years. I really liked this job but got tired of having to work so many weekends and holidays so I quit. I still needed to bring in some extra money so for the next 4 years I cleaned my church and several other houses. All that time even though I worked some I still had time to keep my house really nice and cook healthy home cooked meals. 2 years ago I took my 1st full-time job as an assistant teacher. Now as far as jobs go you can't beat this one. I have all major holidays off and of course have the summer off and really like the people I work with.

I guess here is where the problem comes in. For the 1st 6 months I loved it but after that not so much. Im stressed all the time( even though the job itself is not stressful), Im too tired to spend quality time with my hubby and children, my house is a mess and we are eating way too many unhealthy (but fast) meals.I have so much guilt and I really feel like I'm short-changing my family. I really have to wonder how any other woman can work full time and have the time and especially energy to be a good mom and wife and get everything done. I am considering not returning next year but have no idea how we would get by without my paycheck.

Im just feeling so frustrated right now and have no idea what to do. Was just wondering about your opinions on the subject were.

By the way I have a wonderful husband who helps get our girls to activities, does light grocery shopping, he does all the laundry and ironing , pays the bills and balances the checkbook, and will sometimes help clean up in the kitchen but it still is not enough.

I feel like I am neglecting so much. I rarely spend quality time with hubby (or even kids for that matter) I have totally let my bible study habits go, I never have time for exercise or volunteering at my church like I used to. How does everyone else do it?? Is there something wrong with me???

 

[Robinrs]

How come men never feel this way???

 

[WhatATreat]

Actually I kind of feel like I was short-changing my family when I didn't work. We didn't have money for extras and even necessities had to go on a credit card sometimes. We were always worried about finances. Things are much better now that I am working again.

 

[jamimb]

Really considering quiting! What good is money if Im sick and stressed all the time and have no time for my family. I don't want to look back when my children are gone and regret anything.

 

[jamimb]

Actually I kind of feel like I was short-changing my family when I didn't work. We didn't have money for extras and even necessities had to go on a credit card sometimes. We were always worried about finances. Things are much better now that I am working again.

I kinda get what your saying. Since I have been working we are able to give them nicer christmases and go on vacation more and do little things like take them shopping or to the movies more but I am miserable!!

I know a lot of woman that work full time and say they would go insane if they had to stay home full time but I wonder how they can be successful moms and wives and still work full time and not be tired and stressed like I am????

 

[themilesfamily]

I'll be honest. For me, working a full-time job and being a mom was too much. I was exhausted and stressed all the time. I felt like I was constantly cutting corners for my family and I wasn't the kind of wife and mother I wanted to be. I cried a lot -- it was nuts.

I was SOOO happy when DH finally said quit already! I love being a stay-at-home mom. My relationship with my DD and my husband are stronger. I'm so much happier. I feel like our family is healthier. I'm spending time with my daughter that is so precious. You never get those years back.

As for your situation -- do what makes you happy. Life is so short. Perhaps you could go back to some kind of part-time work? We just cut back on expenses TREMENDOUSLY to make things work in our family. We sacrifice a lot, but it's been worth it for us.

Do what brings you joy!!! Keep us posted!!!

 

[Ember]

How come men never feel this way???

Well, in many cases it's due to the unpaid labor many women do. There are great husband's out there that split parenting and household chores equally. But it doesn't happen as often as it should when both parents work. In many cases, mom is still taking on a much bigger role at home.

There's also a societal pressure on mom's that there isn't on dad's. It's pretty darn rare that a man is the stay at home parent. It would never occur to most men that working or raising their children was a choice to make. They just assume they can do both. That automatically takes a lot of pressure off. Women have a different stress because working means they're taking something away from their families.

None of this may apply to the OP, but I think it's a large part of why women feels this way but men generally don't.

 

[jamimb]

I'll be honest. For me, working a full-time job and being a mom was too much. I was exhausted and stressed all the time. I felt like I was constantly cutting corners for my family and I wasn't the kind of wife and mother I wanted to be. I cried a lot -- it was nuts.

I was SOOO happy when DH finally said quit already! I love being a stay-at-home mom. My relationship with my DD and my husband are stronger. I'm so much happier. I feel like our family is healthier. I'm spending time with my daughter that is so precious. You never get those years back.

As for your situation -- do what makes you happy. Life is so short. Perhaps you could go back to some kind of part-time work? We just cut back on expenses TREMENDOUSLY to make things work in our family. We sacrifice a lot, but it's been worth it for us.

Do what brings you joy!!! Keep us posted!!!

So glad to hear everything is working out with your family. I hope I can have the courage to make this very difficult decision. If it was not about money I would quit tomorrow. I don't want my children (one of which is a 14 yr old girl who thinks she'll die if she doesn't have the best of everything) to resent me if I quit and all the sudden we have to drastically cut back spending.

 

[golfgal]

I was a SAHM for 15 years. When we moved here I was bored because we didn't know anyone so I got a job. I hated the fact that I couldn't be there for the kids like I once was. Nothing got done around the house because we were all busy. I got an offer at another company where I can set my own schedule. It is much better as I can take off time whenever I want. I would still prefer to be home all the time but this is a good option.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

How come men never feel this way???

Generalize much?

 

[themilesfamily]

I don't want my children (one of which is a 14 yr old girl who thinks she'll die if she doesn't have the best of everything) to resent me if I quit and all the sudden we have to drastically cut back spending.

Have you talked to your hubby and kids about the situation? Do they feel that things have changed for the worse -- or do they see the new situation in a more positive light? Maybe they have strong feelings one way or the other.

I'm sure they ultimately just want you to be happy, but maybe they'd have a helpful perspective.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...I feel like I am neglecting so much. I rarely spend quality time with hubby (or even kids for that matter) I have totally let my bible study habits go, I never have time for exercise or volunteering at my church like I used to. How does everyone else do it?? Is there something wrong with me???

My wife decided to go back to work, but soon realized that 2 days per week was all that she could handle while doing all of the other things that are important to her. Some of those are at home, others are at church, school and a charity that she supports.

Frankly, I don't know where she gets the energy. She is an amazing woman...

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I believe some people are just cut out to be full-time homemakers and caregivers. OP it sounds like you are one of those people. Maybe you can talk to your family about your feelings or try to find a job you can do from home that will make you happier.

Personally I love being a working mom but I know it isn't for everyone. I hope you can find a resolution that makes you happy.

 

[graygables]

So glad to hear everything is working out with your family. I hope I can have the courage to make this very difficult decision. If it was not about money I would quit tomorrow. I don't want my children (one of which is a 14 yr old girl who thinks she'll die if she doesn't have the best of everything) to resent me if I quit and all the sudden we have to drastically cut back spending.

First off, being the mother of 4 girls, I promise you, she will not die. You need to remind her she will not die. "Nay, nay, cupcake". Treasured words in my house as are "Oh, well" and "then save YOUR money" and "NMP (not my problem)". Love isn't about things we can buy them and I'm sure you know that. It just may be time to reinforce it a little, no matter what the decision you make.

That said, I worked full time for the first time since my youngest 2 were born last year. In addition to working, I homeschooled them and went to grad school full time. Hubby was 1,000 miles away. It was the singular hardest thing I've ever done and, like you, I was wracked with guilt over bringing home Chinese for the umpteenth time or putting a frozen pizza in the oven. My company is all about "work-life balance", so I realized I needed to go part time. I now have the best of both worlds. We have enough (barely, but enough), I have time with the kids, and I'm not stressing out about not having time to write my papers for school.

Is there a chance you could go part time somewhere and still be OK?

 

[DVCLiz]

I kinda get what your saying. Since I have been working we are able to give them nicer christmases and go on vacation more and do little things like take them shopping or to the movies more but I am miserable!!

I know a lot of woman that work full time and say they would go insane if they had to stay home full time but I wonder how they can be successful moms and wives and still work full time and not be tired and stressed like I am????

Who said only the mom who is not tired and stressed is successful? Being tired and stressed occasionally is a part of life. Even stay at home moms feel tired and stressed sometimes.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

First off, being the mother of 4 girls, I promise you, she will not die. You need to remind her she will not die. "Nay, nay, cupcake". Treasured words in my house as are "Oh, well" and "then save YOUR money" and "NMP (not my problem)". Love isn't about things we can buy them and I'm sure you know that. It just may be time to reinforce it a little, no matter what the decision you make...

In fact, good kids try not to put undue pressure on their parents to provide these things. I started working at 12 so the expenses associated with my playing a sport would not have to be assumed by my parents. I simply didn't want my parents worried about that when paying the bills was a struggle.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I know a lot of woman that work full time and say they would go insane if they had to stay home full time but I wonder how they can be successful moms and wives and still work full time and not be tired and stressed like I am????

I'm a single mom, so I have to work.

In order to be successful, you have to plan. You also need to understand that you can't (and you shouldn't have to) do it all.

How old are your children? Are they old enough to help out around the house? If so, have them pitch in - fold laundry, clean their rooms, do dishes, take out the trash...

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't work.


But let me offer some insight.

The families that are successful and "guilt-free" on this topic--everyone pitches in. The dad, the kids--everyone.

If mom is left to do all that on top of working full time, of course everythign will fall apart.

I was stuck in bed for several weeks due to my hyperemisis (morning sickness gone horribly bad). My husband came home one day and asked "what happened". I wanted to smack him. He knews I was sick, but couldn't understand how sick I was and that I wasn't choosing bed, but was stuck and he coudn't figure out why the house exploded and got trashed.

Well it's simple--noone picks up after themselves and they expect the person who always did it to continue doing it even though it is impossible.

Ask everyone to pitch in--and yes, including the kids.

Most working families I know share basic tidiness duties during the week and do major chores on the weekend as a family.

"Supermom" is a figment of everyone's imagination. And just b/c I stay home--doesn't mean I have the capacity or ability or energy to maintain a perfect home. When any family member does not pull their weight--there's too little time to be Martha Stewart mom-style. I struggle with that on a regular basis. Before DH moved up north for his new job, he was laundry dad. It was extremely helpful and I actually rejoiced that my DH was contributing to the houshold something other than a paycheck.

 

[SnowWhite607]

<raising my hand>

I am a teacher and I went back to work full time when DD was in kindergarten. I tried to be in the PTA, etc but I just couldnt. I couldnt be room mom, I couldnt go on the field trips, etc. Last year I missed a program she was in and also awards day because I couldnt get off work. I swore that would NEVER happen again. I have ONE daughter and she is only little once. I will never again make her think she is less important than my job.

I have struggled with the guilt for 4 years now. My house is a wreck, as I sit here and type this, I am waiting for the pizza man cause my fridge went out and I didnt have time to get to the store to get milk (I needed milk to make dinner), DH is working, DD is bathing and I am in my jammies, LOL! The laundry is never done, I spend my weekends cleaning and doing things that I didnt have time for during the week so then I dont have time to spend with my family. And then, its Monday morning again. I feel like I am always saying 'I cant sit down and play, I need to _______" (make dinner, iron clothes, do the laundry, grocery shop, pay the bills, clean the house, etc)

This is my last year. I have already told them I will not be returning next year. I am going to substitute teach instead so when DD has something at school, I can go to it. When she has a field trip, I can go. When I want to work in her classroom, I can. And when I dont have anything to do, I will work.

Of course, I am not delusional and I realize that it is not this way for everyone. We do not need the money to live and survive. My husband supported us for 6 years on one salary when she was little. I have been working and have saved up a nice nest egg to make up the slack in case things happen out of the ordinary (see above about refrigerator!) and I will also be working a few days a week to supplement our income. I know I am very lucky to be able to do this and believe me, I say many prayers of thanks because of it.

I wish you much luck in whatever path you decide to take. But someone once said to me, "when you are on your deathbed and your children are grown and gone, you will never say to yourself "I wish I had worked more'."

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

When I went back to work 3/4 time the house fell to pieces.

DH still is resistant to hiring a cleaning lady but if I tried to do anymore I would just end up hospitalized.