Any of you want to move, but your DH doesn't?

[DaisyLynn]

I am lonely in my town, darn it!

I grew up in a town about an hour away from here, which is where my closest family and friends all live. I only have a few close friends, but they are like sisters who I have been close with since childhood. I am very close with my family - parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. An hour is not THAT far, no...however, with varying work schedules, kids schedules, weather and all that jazz it's so hard to be able to go and be social without having to make an entire planned day of it, and getting to see everyone is impossible.

Now, I won't even get into how I ended up living where I'm at now, but it was never supposed to be permanent. I met the man of my dreams as I was "on my way out" and made a choice that I was okay with at the time. We are now married g band I am so happy to have him as my husband. His parents live in the area...however we never ever see them. I see my parents more than he sees his. And this is so frustrating because I feel like he doesn't even take advantage of the fact that his loved ones are so near.

We don't have friends in our town...none. Not one. It is so hard when I want to go out shopping on a Saturday afternoon, just browsing around Target or whatever and have to do it alone. I keep my co-workers as just that...co-workers. Being good friends outside of work just makes things more complicated, in my opinion.

This is a long post...sorry! And quite rambley....

Bottom line, he doesn't want to move. We both have employment opportunities in my home town which would make us more money. We're trying to get pregnant..and we have free childcare waiting for us up there. We don't have that here. As a matter of fact, because of my low salary and the cost of childcare, I will basically be working for daycare and my car payment/insurance.

I'm not looking for answers...because I don't really have any questions. I'm just venting, because I'm sure my mom is sick of hearing about it...as much as she wants us to move, too! I'm just looking for anyone who may be going through the same thing or have been through it...

 

[DMickey28]

I can understand where you are coming from to a certain extent. Can you plan with your friends to meet 1/2 way? I do most of my shopping at least 20 minutes from my house so another few minutes to meet people isn't a big deal.

We used to live 1500 miles from family and just moved back to New England. We are now 1 hour from DH's mom and 2 hours from my parents. It's working fine for us because we also get our space and our freedom.

Good Luck. Why wouldn't your DH want to move for a better job oppurtunity and more money? Can you move even 1/2 way back? Do you have a house you would have to sell to do it? What are his reasons he doesn't want to?

 

[DaisyLynn]

I can understand where you are coming from to a certain extent. Can you plan with your friends to meet 1/2 way? I do most of my shopping at least 20 minutes from my house so another few minutes to meet people isn't a big deal.

We used to live 1500 miles from family and just moved back to New England. We are now 1 hour from DH's mom and 2 hours from my parents. It's working fine for us because we also get our space and our freedom.

Good Luck. Why wouldn't your DH want to move for a better job oppurtunity and more money? Can you move even 1/2 way back? Do you have a house you would have to sell to do it? What are his reasons he doesn't want to?

Thanks for responding! I can't imagine living 1500 miles away...which is why I feel kind of foolish about the whole thing. It's only an hour..but when you're so used to meeting up with friends for drinks after work or visiting with mom and dad for Sunday morning breakfast, it's just hard.

I think what makes it hard to meet half way is because there is nothing between us. Where we live, "cities" are few and far between. I don't even know of a restaurant halfway in between, really.

As far as reasons, DH doesn't really have any. Just from knowing him, I know that he doesn't do well with change. It's very scary for him. Where I embrace change and really give it a try (it's been 5 years that I've lived down here...I have really tried)...he tries to avoid it completely. He is very responsible, he takes his work very seriously and although he works for a large company, his business is very personal to him and he is very loyal to his employer. We do have a house that would need to be sold. It was purchased for a VERY low price and we live in a very desirable neighborhood where homes have sold recently for quite a bit higher than what we paid. It'd be lots of work to sell a house, buy a new one, change careers (for both of us)...but I look at it as an investment in our lives. This probably sounds so selfish. We don't argue about it, he doesn't give me reasons. I talk about it and he kind of blows it off.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

i'm kind of the oppsite of you lol.

DH and i both live in a city where most of our immediate family already lives. DH's entire family is really close, but mine isn't. and i HATE the winters, i really want to move south asap but he's too afraid to move because he doesn't think we'll manage well without knowing anyone.

we already have a few friends that live down in Florida, plus a few more who want to move there as well. so it's not like we wouldn't know ANYONE.

 

[doxdogy]

Are there areas that are half way between the two places? That would allow your husband not to have much of change and keep his job and you are closer to friends and family.

 

[HOGFAN]

we are just the opposite. DH would love to move back to Texas. Me, not so fast. We have lived here in Richmond for over 10 years, have family here(his) our children and grandchildren will most likely be here and I have a career(good paying) and a best friend here. I have followed DH around the country for the last 23 years and not so sure I am willing to pack up and go again.

 

[golfgal]

I can tell you that once you have kids it is a LOT easier to make friends. Also, free childcare isn't all it is cracked up to be--just scan these pages about all the problems people have with free childcare from relatives . Why doesn't your husband want to move?

 

[minniecarousel]

Thinking back (a looong time ago!) before kids, we didn't socialize with the people who lived near-by. We'd make the trek to see friends "back home" & it wasn't easy. With kids, you can get into play groups, baby-sittiing co-ops, etc.

I'm sorry that you can't get him to even consider moving an hour away. He doesn't sound like a very reasonable person.

 

[DaisyLynn]

I can tell you that once you have kids it is a LOT easier to make friends. Also, free childcare isn't all it is cracked up to be--just scan these pages about all the problems people have with free childcare from relatives . Why doesn't your husband want to move?

Oh, I've heard horror stories!! It would be my mother, who is my best friend...and I sometimes wonder if that might be a reason DH wouldn't want to move. He would never say it, but I wonder if my being so close to my family and girlfriends makes him feel like he could get "lost" in the mix.

 

[golfgal]

Oh, I've heard horror stories!! It would be my mother, who is my best friend...and I sometimes wonder if that might be a reason DH wouldn't want to move. He would never say it, but I wonder if my being so close to my family and girlfriends makes him feel like he could get "lost" in the mix.

Could be--and I don't blame him. I know a lot of women who spent more time with their family and girlfriends and not their DH's and can't understand why they are now divorced.

 

[PattnFmly]

I feel your pain! We could be twins! When I was single I moved closer to the city (grew up in the suburbs) and along the way found my wonderful DH and we got married and bought a house in the city as it was closer to our jobs and some of both of our family. Now though, 10 years later, my family has moved away and we never see his family even though they live only about 5 blocks from us! The school system isn't great and I keep trying to get him to move to a better school system for our boys. And yes, I do push for the suburb that I grew up in. But he LIKES the city. And I no longer do. Its ... city! Dirty, fewer trees, few open spaces, and the night sky is hard to see. I so want to move. And he always just dismisses it. Too much work, too expensive, too too too everything. I feel stuck sometimes. But, with the kids we do have friends, and school family friends, and we are very active in our church and a bowling league so we do have common and wonderful friends. Perhaps you should try joining something together like bowling and developing a circle of friends to carry you through where you live. It helps! Now if I could only improve the schools!

 

[Jex]

I think a pp hinted at it, but I will go further and ask. Is your dh not wanting to move due to being controlling? It's been my experience that people who have a problem with change usually have control issues. Not saying this is the case with you, just curious.

 

[disykat]

Oh, I've heard horror stories!! It would be my mother, who is my best friend...and I sometimes wonder if that might be a reason DH wouldn't want to move. He would never say it, but I wonder if my being so close to my family and girlfriends makes him feel like he could get "lost" in the mix.

Bingo! This is what I was going to say. Where you are now seems the best of both worlds to me. You are close enough to visit, but far enough that you can rely on each other as your main support system and social outlet.

It's no more "controlling" for her dh to not want to move than it is for the OP to want to.

 

[lillygator]

I didn't read the posts but YES!


I am a native Floridian...and want to move to an island!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Could be--and I don't blame him. I know a lot of women who spent more time with their family and girlfriends and not their DH's and can't understand why they are now divorced.

I was thinking that. Also, you say you see his family more than his even though his lives in town. Maybe he feels if he moves away he will really almost never get to see his family.

I can't say that I really relate well. I have always mananged to find friends and my core family support is my DH. I don't even live on the same continent as my parents anymore (we live in Germany and they live in Mexico and DHs family lives in Colorado and LA)--and we have lived in different countries for 13 years (since the year my oldest was born--they moved but we were already in different states). We are still close thanks to email and skype we talk all the time. I have also become close to DH's family-we spend a couple of hours on the phone every week and i will stay visiting with them for sometimes up to three weeks longer than the amount of time DH has to spend (with his work schedule) so that the kids can spend more time with their grandparents and cousins and I enjoy the time too. We miostly think of everyone as "our" family--not his family and my family and it works out okay.

I wish I could give you some good advice It doesn't really seem fair for either of you to have to leave his/her childhood home behind for the other's childhood home when you both really want to be in them. I am sorry, it sounds like a hard situation for you.

 

[npmommie]

I can tell you that once you have kids it is a LOT easier to make friends.

this is sooooo true, you will meet other moms and connect and you will make friends!
what part of new england are you in?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I live 45 mins from my family and it is the perfect amount of time.

That being said, if you both can get better jobs and you would be happier, it is sad that your dh doesn't care about your intense feelings to move back.

Honestly, I would expect the dh in this situation to discuss the issue more honestly with you. Bottom line that is a failure to communicate and is not good for a marriage.

My dh could NOT stand living in TX for the 3yrs we were there. He decided that he wanted to stay in MO forever. Me on the other hand, I could be like a gypsy. Anyway I respect his strong desire to stay here.

So we compromised and we moved back however I got to live somewhere else to satisfy the "gypsy" in me.

As Tim Gunn says....MAKE IT WORK!