Any "DIS"ers who have gone through divorce?

[EdiePA]

Hate to be a downer on "fluff" day, but two hugs have helped.

I'm in my 20th month of separation from my ex. He left, he had the girlfriend, and he's supposed to file for the divorce (which he hasn't done -- he says for money reasons.)

How long does the pain last? Shouldn't I be healing by now? Most days I just feel like a big, gaping wound inside and I don't know how to get the healing started. We were married for 21 years, so I know it isn't going to happen overnight, but I'm beginning to feel like it isn't going to happen at all. I don't want to be "stuck" like this forever.

Part of the problem, I know, is that DS#2 graduates from high school tonight, and I'm facing a REALLY empty nest in the Fall. I want to celebrate for DS, but it's so hard.

Any suggestions, helps, prayers, would be greatly appreciated.

Edie

 

[helenabear]

Edie, I have never been through this and truthfully I have never seen this personally affect someone I am close to, so I am about the last person to be giving out advice. Since I have none, I just wanted to give you a big {{{HUG}}} I really do hope that everything looks up for you soon. And congratulations to your DS! That is wonderful

 

[iNTeNSeBLue98]

I'm sorry he did this to you. Here's a virtual hug. {HUG}. My parents were married almost 20 years, the same year my brother graduated high school, when mom left dad. Both remarried within a few years, that was 11 years ago, ironically their new anniversary days are only days apart in July.

Anyway, keep yourself as active as possible. One day the wounds will heal. Remember that you didn't do anything wrong. Reassure your kids that both of you still care, and don't bad mouth him in front of them- I'm 30+ and hate it when my dad calls my mom names, 11 yrs later he is still quite bitter.

Hang tough and get happy about your son's exciting night at Graduation. Another plus- today is Friday and if you're in the Northeast NO RAIN TODAY!!!

 

[dianeschlicht]

After 35 years of marriage, I have no divorce advice except to say I think YOU need to do the filing here.

 

[Kitty 34]

I'ms sorry you are still feeling so bad. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you.

 

[EdiePA]

But, lawyer fees have already cost me over $1800 and to file would be another $800 to $1000 that I just don't have. DS#1 was over 18 when his dad left, so he gets no support at all. I'm his custodial parent and sole provider. DS#2 will lose his support as of graduation tonight. (I received my last support check yesterday for June 2003 -- prorated for six days. Nice dad.) Gotta love the state of Pennsylvania -- dad's aren't responsible for anything over the age of 18 or high school graduation, whichever comes last.

Edie

 

[SnowAngel]

I'm sorry to hear {{{{hugs}}}} and prayers to you. I've been lucky and dh and I have survived nine years so far but my parents divorced when I was 9.


I would file for divorce yourself rather than wait for him to file. It is not fair to leave you in limbo like that. You and your ex could split the costs

 

[cgcw]

Originally posted by EdiePA
DS#2 will lose his support as of graduation tonight. (I received my last support check yesterday for June 2003 -- prorated for six days. Nice dad.)

Here's a prayer that now that "Dad" is saving all that money from skipping out financially on his DS's life, he'll put that money towards filing for divorce. I think once the process gets going, you'll feel better. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. When I went through my divorce, my ex-DH dragged it on and on and on for whatever reason he could come up with. Even though we were moving ever so slowly towards it being finalized (ex-DH though I would change my mind and stay with him....Not!), I felt we were moving in the right direction.

Best of luck to both of your DS's. And, you too!

 

[Serena]

Hi Edie,
find a lawyer that will not charge you. They could get the money from him for all the court costs and things.

Hang in there, having people to talk to really helps.

 

[RUDisney]

Edie, if you're feeling that low, talk to your doctor. S/he can prescribe an antidepressent for you that can make you see the light that is at the end of the tunnel. It can help you put everything into a whole new prospective. This doesn't mean that you'll need it forever, but a legal "mother's little helper" can get you through this period better than doing it alone.

Then, do what Serena said and find a lawyer who will defer all of the costs of the divorce to him.

 

[dbond]

Hi Edie....I'm not sure there's any advice I could really give you, even though I have been there, done that, every situation is different. But maybe your ex is waiting for the kids to be over 18 and now that they are he'll get off the pot and do something. My ex danced for joy when our oldest graduated, now all of a sudden he swooped in and acts like she is his best friend. He neglected her for years. It kinda makes me ill. How is his relationship with your boys, how are they handling this? Are they supportive of you or him or mixed? Do you have a singles support group or a divorce recovery support group that you could join? Do you have good health insurance that would cover counseling? My counselor really helped me get through the tough times and get back on my feet. You need to get some closure before you can really get over this, counseling might help you determine whether you should wait your ex out or go ahead and file yourself. My ex was held responsible for paying my health insurance for a certain time after our divorce until I was able to obtain my own. Your ex is probably fearful of what he will have to be responsible for if he goes to court, so he's not in a hurry. Texas is not an alimony state, but when a spouse is deserted like you have been, the ex is usually responsible for interim support so the spouse left behind can get back on her feet. PA may be the same. His attorney may have advised him of this so he's dragging his feet. It sounds like you may need a better attorney if you've already paid what you have and don't have much to show for it. Two years is a long time to wait. I guess I could ramble on here forever, I'm not sure it's real advice though, PM me if you just need to vent. There is a life out there for you without him, believe it and the pain will dissipate somewhat over time. I've been divorced for 13 years and remarried for 10 and the pain still rears it's ugly head occasionally, especially when it comes to my 2 kids with my ex. You will survive, and for the better, keep believing that and know that friends & your children are your most valuable asset right now. Here's a ****HUG***! Hope that helps!

 

[MickeysMommy]

Edie...I am so sorry you are going through this. My divorce was final in November and I still have a lot of animosity towards him. We were only married 4 years (together 8) and thankfully, no kids but it still hurts. I was the one to leave but he filed and had the girlfriend living in MY home three months after I left...needless to say, I am better off.
No one can tell you how to feel. It will take time to get over this. Do you have a really supportive family? I did and they helped me tremendously but you just have to go day by day. Every one is different and some times you can get over it more quickly. I left in Oct of 2001, Divorce was final Nov 2002 but I still have my bad days. Keep your chin up and PM me if you need too....HUGS!

 

[Desiree]

Divorce isn't easy any way you look at it. Even the most amicable ones sometimes turn nasty really fast.

I pray that you will find the strength you need. Today is a celebration of your son, so go out and enjoy it.

Just talking to friends or maybe a support group would be beneficial too.

((((HUGS))))

 

[Penny12]

I'm sorry, I have no practical advice for you, but I do sincerely hope that you start to feel better soon - things <i>will</i> improve though

 

[Jingle]

I've been there. It took over two years from the time I first filed for the divorce to be finalized. It didn't need to take that long. I just put off dealing with certain issues.

My advice would be to get the divorce over as quick as possible so that you can move on with your life. Concentrate on doing things that you really enjoy. You can do these things with your kids, friends, by yourself, and then meet new friends. I took the opportunity to concentrate on doing things that I really liked, that I had put off because my ex didn't really enjoy doing them. When I was completely by myself (no husband or boyfriend), I actually had some of the best times of my life. I also learned a lot about who I am and what I like as a person, and became a lot more confident about myself in general. You can do it too. But, you need to get that divorce over with somehow so you can move on. Good luck to you. Wishing you a bright future filled with lots of enjoyment!

 

[bsnyder]

Hugs to you Edie! I will be hoping there are MUCH brighter days ahead of you!

Look forward, not backward!

 

[momsal]

So sorry for your pain!! I have been there and I know what you mean about Pa. It sucks that they don't have to pay but you are supposed to put them down on College forms!!! Just list him as whereabout unknown!!!! It feels great!!! LOL

Do you have a hobby? How about taking some classes???
You need to force yourself to go out and meet new people!!!!

Think back to things you wanted to do over the years that the ex didn't and GO DO THEM!!!

And keep in mind that what goes around comes around!!!!

 

[TigerBear]

My divorce was final in March. Much to the surprise of everyone we are still friends to this day. We were married 8 years and do not have children. Even with this ideal situation, the divorce was far from easy to cope with. I never dreamed I would be 32 years old, divorced and without children. I want to be a mom more than anything in this world.

How have I coped? I sought therapy. I journal. I read self-help books (like Crazy Time). I have strengthened friendships!!! I have traveled. I stay active - I exercise, take dance lessons, rollerblade. I talk with other divorced people. I even recently started dating again. Of all of the above, focusing energy on my friendships has made the most significant impact on my life.

He left me, but I have no doubt my life is and will be better without him. I did everything I could to make the marriage work. One person can not save a marriage. Change is always scary, but I have chosen to see it as a new beginning.

HUGS to you.

 

[cdnmickeylover]

Sending hugs your way. Been there done that. The pain does go away although it does take some time and everyone is different. If you had told me when we got divorced that we could have a civil conversation I would have said you were nuts and yet we do. It took 10 years (it's now been almost 16 years) for us to be civil and now we do actually talk when he calls to talk to our DS who's almost 17. DS was just a little over a year when I left. Not for anyone else but because I couldn't cope with his criticisms any longer -- I was 21 at the time and might have been able to cope better if I was older at the time but neither of us were and it's over and it was for the best. The marriage was only 2 years but the impact has been a lifetime. I always have to remember that he's my DS's father and nothing is going to change that.

Try not to get bitter about things is my advice. My parents divorced after 25 years (around the same time as me) and my Dad is ok but Mom is still bitter, bitter, bitter and it spoils a lot. My Dad doesn't live in the city that we do and after my nephew was born last summer he came to visit. We all went out to dinner but nobody told my Mom because of the complaints that would start. My brother and I both felt badly about it but it was easier not to tell her that we were seeing Dad and that's a shame.

My suggestion is to do something that you've always wanted to do and do it regardless of what it is. Start planning for next Fall and think of it as 'your time' to do what you want. If you want to eat the entire container of ice cream go for it.

It will get better in time. Promise.

 

[jamsmom]

My divorce was final 9/1/89...although I made it out alive and am fortunate, there are still times (can;t belive I am saying this) that I wonder what things would have been like if things had been a little different.

I was told that I divorce is the death of the marriage and that all the feelings of mouring can be acceptable. I went though many of the stages over and over. I remember getting angry when people got a divorce and were abe to move on in a year, two, or three.

It does get easier with time, sometimes anti-depressents can help......friends (online and in person) help...... I have yet to reached the point to say that I ma totally fine with it. Although I KNOW it was for the best. I and my son are alive. Most likely would not have been otherwise.

E-mail me anytime.